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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn: Would you consider this as being unfaithful?

167 replies

BlueRuby · 08/03/2011 23:23

Apologises for the language in advance but I'm hugely fucked off and drinking wine.

Have had issues with DH's porn use before. I have tonight found out (he has admitted it) that he has been on a website where you pay woman to do sexual things on the web cam whilst he watches and wanks. basically he has been having internet sex with a fucking prostitute!!!

I am so fucking mad that I swear I'm going to smash something in a minute.

I think he has been unfaithful, he has had a sexual interaction with another woman. He doesn't see it like that.

OP posts:
joanne34 · 09/03/2011 14:07

Deal Breaker ! Ciao !

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 14:08

Why would seeing a prostitute not be cheating? How can having sex with another person not be cheating?

OP posts:
EmmaBGoode · 09/03/2011 14:20

What an absolute fucking wanker. Sorry, but I am bloody livid on your behalf. It is cheating. Given the fact this is the 6th time you have caught him looking at porn, I am afraid it unlikely that he will give it up. Are you prepared to tolerate it, or not? I have to say, I wouldn't be. But people are different.

PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 14:34

Yes, I would class that as cheating

and also financial abuse...the money he has spent on his own selfish pleasure whilst insisting you "economise" has literally taken food and clothes off his children

I would be so beyond angry

the repeated nature of this, and the escalation would tell me that, no matter how many crocodile tears he cries and how much self-pity he wallows in, my relationship would be over, full stop

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 14:43

I don't think I can tolerate it. The sad thing is that i really do love him. But I will not be treated like this.

Last night I went all Mn on him and said "you can fuck right off and when you get there you can fuck off some more!" I actually nearly laughed when I said it!

OP posts:
EmmaBGoode · 09/03/2011 15:03

Last night I went all Mn on him and said "you can fuck right off and when you get there you can fuck off some more!" I actually nearly laughed when I said it!

Ah, bless you Grin

You deserve so much better than this, you know that, don't you?

StreetWiseHotMum · 09/03/2011 15:17

Its a tricky one alright. Its not classic skin to skin cheating but it is cheating and it is disrespectful knowing you dissaprove.

I'd start by putting him on the spot and asking him why. What does he get from doing this that he can't get from you? Before I get jumped on I'm not excusing it or trying to justify it, but it might help BlueRuby deal with it if he is forced to think and say to her why he does it.

It could be he's just a prick and not worth persevering with, but it might be that he's unhappy about something and didn't have the balls to say so. BlueRuby might not like what he has to say but surely its better to know.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 15:20

I do know that Grin told him last night that if he wants to behave like a bastard then I'm going to throw it right back at him 10 times worse. He has pushed me over the edge, but he's under estimating me. I'm going to make sure he really regrets trying to treat me like this!

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 09/03/2011 15:21

If the reverse had happened (you on-line with other men), how would he react?

Sorry you're having to go through this, BlueRuby.

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 15:21

Streetwise, he says it's like a king of escapism, living out a fantasy.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 15:22

kind of fantasy.

OP posts:
StreetWiseHotMum · 09/03/2011 15:39

Oh dear, sorry to hear that because its crap. If he had a 'real' fantasy he'd tell you about it hoping you might run with it. This is just cheap nasty sexual act.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 09/03/2011 15:40

It's definitely cheating. It's also disrespectful behaviour especially seeing as he knows your views on porn.

As for spending all that money while telling you that you need to economise Angry Agree with PA that's financial abuse.

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 15:44

agree with SWHM loving couples explore each others fantasties!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/03/2011 16:16

THe spending money on it that the family budget can't afford is very selfish. The repeated broken promises not to do it again are spineless.
He should at least have the guts to say to you 'I don't agree with your view of porn and I am not going to stop using it just because you say so'.
Constantly going behind a partner's back is always going to doom a relationship because no one likes being decieved repeatedly.
Sorry OP but your options are going to be a choice between accepting his use of porn & webcams, or ending the relationship, because there is no Option C of a magic button to press that will make him lost interest in such things.

holyShmoley · 09/03/2011 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boxingHelena · 09/03/2011 16:33

I like you Ruby !
Hope you carry thru your plan, shopping, spa, relax.....whatever Grin

Gingefringe · 09/03/2011 17:09

There was a thread here recently from a woman who did the internet interactive sex thing while her kids slept upstairs and she was considering going into 'escort' work. I was surprised at how many people said that what she was doing online was ok but that they thought the escort work was going too far.
Hope that she and those people who condoned what she was doing are reading this now and seeing what the 'fall-out' from her work is on a family where a man thinks its ok to have a wank in this way.
It's cheating in my books and spending so much money when finances are tight is really selfish.
I don't have any answers I'm afraid but think that relate would be a good start if you feel you want to save the relationship.
Good luck

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 17:15

I would disagree there Ginge, the woman cant vet all the men to see if they are single or not. The onus is on the man, and if the man chooses to indulge in this behaviour, all the blame is on him. He knows he is married, and he knows HIS behaviour will hurt someone when he gets caught out.

Mouseface · 09/03/2011 17:28

Oh I am howling at the 'fuck off' line being wheeled out.

Good girl Ruby Grin

And yes, to me this would be cheating. And spending our money on it would folow with him hearing the sound of the bedroom door hitting him on the arse after being thrown out of it.

Well done for not losing it in front of the DCs Smile

Mishapen · 09/03/2011 17:36

It would count as cheating for me. Coupled with the fact he's spent so much and you are made to economise, outrageous, I would be fuming.

lisapenn · 09/03/2011 18:12

The problem of defining cheating in a relationship is very common. Many times you consider something to be cheating and your partner is totally shocked and doesn't agree to that at all. You have to sit down and define cheating in your relationship. Here's an article about it, hope it helps:

"Are you arguing with your partner about what cheating actually is? Not sure what's considered to be infidelity? Having trouble defining infidelity with your spouse?

Here you will infidelity definition and how to define cheating in your relationship - so you don't have to doubt yourself about your partner's actions and behavior.

Why is Infidelity Definition so Blurry Sometimes?

Is talking on the phone with a coworker after working hours considered cheating?

Is going out clubbing with "the guys" while the spouse stays at home considered cheating?

Is fanaticizing about another woman cheating?

You can quickly see that different people will give you different answers to these questions. But mostly, the spouse that is contemplating or even already cheating will be more denying - denying that receiving attention from out side the marriage poses a real threat to the relationship. He or she is busy with the rush of feeling good. He or she is thinking: "I never even touched Jim/Jessica, so therefore I am not cheating!"

Infidelity Definition

Having a personal relationship with some intensity - It's probably at least the beginning of infidelity. It doesn't have to be physical - an emotional affair can even be more destructive to a relationship than a one night stand.

These are the questions you need to ask in order to define infidelity:

  1. Is your spouse getting angry defensive when you ask him questions? Is he not acting like himself? This means he is looking for logical reasons for cheating.
  1. Is the relationship with the other man/woman completely transparent? Is he always open and honest about his communication with the other person? If he or she is hiding information from you, it's probably because he or she is feeling guilty and know that they are doing something wrong. That can be defined as cheating. Besides, intentionally hiding information is lying - and lying is cheating.
  1. Is your partner "defending" the "other" relationship and not willing to give it up for your peaceof mind? It's a different matter if your spouse has no choice and this is his or her boss. But if it's any other kind of relationship and he won't give it up for you - it is cheating or heading for cheating."

Source: www.ezinearticles.com/?Infidelity-Definition---What-Is-Infidelity-and-How-to-Define-Cheating-In-Your-Relationship&id=5936720

hairylights · 09/03/2011 18:41

Cheating or not it's a deal breaker as you've already told him it's unacceptable. Are you going to leave him?

Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 19:36

I wouldn't leave him, I would kick him. There is no way I am leaving my home.

The truth is that I don't know what I'm going to do. I think if I just bide my time and see how I feel. At the moment I am swinging back and to between being really upset and really angry. I am keeping up my cheery face for the dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueRuby · 09/03/2011 19:38

I mean I would kick him out! Although I may also just kick him repeatedly in the bollocks

OP posts:
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