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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I talk to DH about an ex?

173 replies

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 12:48

Short story is this...a long long time ago (3 years before I met dh), I had an intense love affair with someone. It didn't work out due to geography, circumstance, whatever..it doesn't really matter now. It was never meant to last.

18 months ago, due to dreaded internet, we got back in touch. We had had no contact for 19 years. He's married, kids, me too. We never really forgot each other - it still feels intense. I told my dh about him and that we had been in touch. DH was very understanding but I got the feeling that he didn't want to know too much. I told him it upset me to be back in touch with ex and dh's response was 'you can't help your feelings'.

We left it at that, although dh has asked me a couple of times about how 'that situation' is going. I brushed it aside.

I have kept up contact with ex. I needed to know how his life turned out, what happened to him. It was one of those 'one that got away' situations.

Anyway..the ex is coming into town on business and I would really really like to see him. I NEED to see him. I know that sounds like I'm some dramatic teenager.

I would like to talk to my dh about this and tell him ahead of time. The idea of lying to him and making up a story is making me feel sick. I am not a good communicator. I find it very hard to talk to DH about my deep inner thoughts. Other than that, we have a great marriage..good friends, good sex etc..but I do feel we have trouble baring all - him included.

I would like to give DH the opportunity to know about this meeting and process it beforehand. However, I don't want to make it into something he perceives as a threat. It saddens me that I have no idea how DH will react. I should know that, he's my husband and we've been married for 15 years.

DH doesn't even know his name. I never spoke of him because it was one of those hurts that went right to my core. I think DH would understand but how do I word so it doesn't come out sounding like I am still pining after someone from decades ago?

The trouble is, I do still love ex and always will. That's just a fact.

OP posts:

BooyFuckingHoo · 08/03/2011 12:52

it sounds like your DH is being really understanding about this so unless i am missing something, surely he will want you to talk to him about it? i dont know why you even consider lying to him.

how about just telling him you need to talk and that you aren't quite sure what you want to say but you would appreciate if he just let you talk and then asked any questions?

ginnyjeans · 08/03/2011 12:53

But are you willing to throw your marriage away for someone that you last saw 19 years ago?

You said yourself you have a great marriage, good friends, good sex - is there more to life than that? Think really carefully before you risk it all. You have rosey coloured glasses on over someone who may not even be the same person you remember - and it didn't work out back then.

JessicaDrew · 08/03/2011 12:55

i think we all have ex's we would love to meet again
i know i do, and they only live about 60 miles away
but i have not made FB contact, and not although i would really like to i stop the temptation

lubeybooby · 08/03/2011 12:55

Sounds like playing with fire to me. I don't think you should meet him, you KNOW whats going to happen. Come on now.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 08/03/2011 12:58

you don't NEED to see him, you WANT to see him. Stop kidding yourself. Obviously it's a big issue as you wouldn't be posting on here otherwise. Don't see him, or arrange to meet him with your respective DPs.

BooyFuckingHoo · 08/03/2011 12:58

i dont think OP is suggesting having an affair or ending her marriage. my understanding is taht she wants to meet this man for old times' sake.

lubeybooby · 08/03/2011 13:00

What oldenoughtowearpurple said.

If you have only innocent intentions then don't meet him on your own.

JessicaDrew · 08/03/2011 13:00

aye that may be
but passion will run high and "things" could happen

BooyFuckingHoo · 08/03/2011 13:02

because of course neither of them have an ounce of self control

Original poster

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:04

Yes, I WANT to see him. Not for old time's sake. Just to see him and talk to him and say hello. I loved him, he loved me.

I am definitely NOT contemplating an affair or ending my marriage. That is not the right thing to do. And the ex is not thinking of ending his marriage or having an affair with me either. He lives in another country. This could be the only time in our lives that we will be on the same continent.

I'm not looking at it with rosey glasses, although I did think wonder at first if I was.

No. I cared deeply for someone, it didn't work out and now I have an opportunity to see him.

Yes it IS a big issue, but I am trying NOT to make it a big issue, which is why I know I need to talk to my DH about it so that it doesn't become 'bigger' than it is.

OP posts:

pink4ever · 08/03/2011 13:05

Saty away from this ex!! You are playing with fire and you know that. You dont "need" to see this man. Is it really worth risking what you have now?(dh,dcs?).Really?.Please dont kid yourself that this is innocent-you are yearning after a lost love(we all do it) but the reality is you are playing with peoples lives. I think your dh has been remarkably tolerant.Please dont abuse this.

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 13:06

Don't lie. You will be found out, eventually.

And I really would question your motives for wanting to get back in touch.

Original poster

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:06

Thank you BooFH...we do have self control..we are grown ups, we both know what we are risking if we lose that self control.

OP posts:

lint · 08/03/2011 13:08

If I were you I'd come straight out and tell my husband I'm meeting an old friend to talk about past times and our new families, etc.
Be upfront and honest about it. Don't lie to your husband - he doesn't deserve that.
If you don't meet the ex you'll always wonder about 'what might have been.' The likelihood is you won't even fancy him now he's so much older (without rose-tinted glasses) and then you can forget him and get on with your life.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/03/2011 13:08

Yes lubey, there's a clue in the poster's name I think.

Just... don't go there. I think you've built this up to something massive in your head and you need to talk yourself down again gradually. You do not "need" to see him. You had some great times, great memories which no-one can take away, but it's long over and you're with a good man. The fact that you still feel for the ex is the strongest reason not to meet him again, don't you see? If you were motivated by mild curiosity there wouldn't be a problem, but the more important you feel it is that you meet, the more likely it is that you will do something thoroughly silly and end up despising yourself. And it won't be the same if you do - it never is. What you had was part of who you were, who you both were, then. This is now and neither of you are that person. Why spoil the good old memories with bad recent ones? (That's without even going down the obvious route of what you stand to lose in practical terms; I'm sure you've thought about that quite enough already.)

Original poster

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:09

But my question wasn't should I go and see him. It is 'how do I talk to my dh about it'. Mouse, you're right..if I lie I will be found out and that makes it into something completely different, which it's not.

OP posts:

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 13:09

Take your dh along with you.

You sound very dramatic over a ex from 19 years ago.

Original poster

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:11

Annie..if you saw my booty you'd understand..no rude intentions in the name..really.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/03/2011 13:11

I think you need to think about this logically. Basically what you're seeking is for your DH to say it's ok for you to go off to meet a man who you say you're still in love with. You want permission to not feel guilty. Because you know deep down that you do feel guilty. Because you are not being fair or kind to your DH. The ex is an ex for a reason, and he is in the past. Don't insult your DH and his DW by meeting up like love struck teenagers and staring in to each others eyes over a coffee. If you love your husband and want your marriage to stay healthy, do not meet this man. In fact, don't talk to him any more at all.

BooyFuckingHoo · 08/03/2011 13:11

I'm with lint. i think this is an itch you need to scratch and will regret not doing it. meet him see that he has lost his looks, become boring and unfunny and quite hard to maintain a conversation with and go home being so glad that you met your DH and married him.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/03/2011 13:12

But if you don't go and see him you won't need to talk to your DH about it.

Original poster

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:14

But I AM glad I married my DH. We are good together. The Ex and I have already discussed the fact that had we stayed together, it would never have worked out.

I will regret not seeing him. Definitely.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 08/03/2011 13:14

TBH I think you are losing self control already. What you are describing isnt idle curiosity, you are setting your foot on a very slippery slope.

My view would be that you need to talk to someone about this, possibly a counsellor to get your feelings about this person into the open if only for yourself. I'm not sure that this feeling should be talked about with your DH unless or until you get some perspective.

lubeybooby · 08/03/2011 13:15

I know that wasn't your question OP but it sounds like you've been having an emotional affair already, you state that you love ex and always will... umm...

VERY dangerous territory. Tell yourself it isn't all you like but this is honestly 'don't go there if you want to stay married' territory

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 13:15

Why will you regret not seeing him?

Why do you NEED to see this man?

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