How do I talk to DH about an ex?

[bettybooty]

Short story is this...a long long time ago (3 years before I met dh), I had an intense love affair with someone. It didn't work out due to geography, circumstance, whatever..it doesn't really matter now. It was never meant to last.

18 months ago, due to dreaded internet, we got back in touch. We had had no contact for 19 years. He's married, kids, me too. We never really forgot each other - it still feels intense. I told my dh about him and that we had been in touch. DH was very understanding but I got the feeling that he didn't want to know too much. I told him it upset me to be back in touch with ex and dh's response was 'you can't help your feelings'.

We left it at that, although dh has asked me a couple of times about how 'that situation' is going. I brushed it aside.

I have kept up contact with ex. I needed to know how his life turned out, what happened to him. It was one of those 'one that got away' situations.

Anyway..the ex is coming into town on business and I would really really like to see him. I NEED to see him. I know that sounds like I'm some dramatic teenager.

I would like to talk to my dh about this and tell him ahead of time. The idea of lying to him and making up a story is making me feel sick. I am not a good communicator. I find it very hard to talk to DH about my deep inner thoughts. Other than that, we have a great marriage..good friends, good sex etc..but I do feel we have trouble baring all - him included.

I would like to give DH the opportunity to know about this meeting and process it beforehand. However, I don't want to make it into something he perceives as a threat. It saddens me that I have no idea how DH will react. I should know that, he's my husband and we've been married for 15 years.

DH doesn't even know his name. I never spoke of him because it was one of those hurts that went right to my core. I think DH would understand but how do I word so it doesn't come out sounding like I am still pining after someone from decades ago?

The trouble is, I do still love ex and always will. That's just a fact.

... oh god, just seen that you said "What am I supposed to do..." That phrase makes me so . It's totally passive-aggressive. Frankly you do know what you're supposed to do (close the chapter once and for all now curiosity is satisfied) but it appears you're determined not to do it.

No of course you can't deny your feelings. You can't help what you feel. But that's exactly my point. This is only potentially dangerous (and I don't just mean that you may be unable to stop yourself from shagging him, though it's depressing how often people use that as an excuse) because you have feelings. So say to yourself "Yes! I do have feelings for him, and bittersweet longings for the past". And then don't meet up. Feel as wistful about it as you like. And feel good because you gave up something for your nice DH, who deserves that sacrifice.

perfumed

Honestly? Don't do it. From the sounds of your OP you have already decided you ARE going to meet him, and now you just have to decide what/whether to tell your DH.

Take it back a step and make the decision not to meet him. You are obviously convincing yourself nothing will happen, nothing would ever happen, you just want to see someone you used to care about, you just want closure....it's all rubbish, and you know it deep down. At the same time as convincing yourself it's all innocent, you are overromanticising the whole situation 'an intense love affair'...'I NEED to see him'. How could it be simultanously innocent and yet so romantic at the same time?

It's like holiday romance syndrome, the knowledge that you only have this small amount of precious time together before you both have to go your separate ways, onto the paths your lives have laid out for you...yadda yadda yadda.

Your DH sounds lovely and very understanding. Please don't take advantage of that, or risk losing something so good for the sake of a bit of imaginary passion.

Betty - what are you risking?

Bettybooty - it is sooo classic cliched mid life crisis.

"I know what I am risking..." Cut contact. Eliminate Risk.

Don't do it. Show some restraint, it will only get more complicated.

You say your husband once met someone he had once been keen on, you say you still love this man, can you not see the difference? I really wouldn't want to do this, it just makes me feel slightly queasy, DH is such a good man.

But, it sounds like you have decided you're going and just want some way of telling your DH without arousing his suspicions as to your not-so-innocent thoughts/intentions. To alleviate your guilt. Can't help you there I'm afraid.

once you meet and he slips in he has hotel room
temptation maybe too much

So, basically, you're set on this going further. In which case tell your DH or don't tell him. It'll make little difference to the outcome. Because it's not about him, is it? It's about you and the ex. FWIW, I think you'll regret this.

You specifically didn't mention who got back in touch with whom, on the Internet. Was it you?

You say the relationship is intense and that a meeting would not be innocent. That you regard him as the one that got away and that you loved him. That your H doesn't know the extent of this past relationship or the feelings you had and still have for this man.

Your H is therefore sighted about the contact, but not the context.

I'd go right back to the start and ask yourself what made you contact this old flame, assuming it was you?

Now it might be that your H is reacting like he is because he doesn't know the context of this relationship and because you have glossed over the real importance of this man and the danger he presents, packaging him to your H as no more than a casual boyfriend, but if that's not the case, I think your H is putting his head in the sand and I'd question why?

At a rational level, your H will know like all of us do, that meetings with old flames after a lengthy correspondence in mid-life, have warning signs all over them and that people in your position have a habit of deluding themselves that nothing can happen. So I wonder why he isn't concerned, or if he is, why he cannot express that? Does he have his own secrets to keep and would therefore prefer not to have a conversation about this issue?

How have you described your marriage to this man and how has he described his? Any lies of omission? Any reluctance even to mention your partners? Any impressions being given that your relationships are basically fine, but a bit staid and boring? Any complaints about eachother's lives and by inference, spouses?

You can insist till you're blue in the face that nothing will happen at this meeting, even if he wants it to, but it screams out from the page that in fact is is highly likely that something will happen, if he makes the first move and you can therefore absolve yourself of the responsibility for it.

If I lie and make up some story then I am risking more than if I just talk it out with DH. And yes, I am going to see EX. Life is too short. Sorry, I know you are all going to tell me I'm a selfish bitch who doesn't deserve such a great dh and you may be right.

But having a coffee (yes! Just a coffee) with someone who meant a lot to me a long time ago, who will ALWAYS mean a lot to me is NOT going to ruin my marriage. Lying to my husband COULD ruin my marriage so that's why I am on here asking for advice.

if it's just that cut and dry,just tell your dh that you are meeting your ex for a coffee.

I somehow don't think it's just that cut and dry.

Best of luck with it.

You know what you are risking and you are determined to go ahead with meeting him.
Obviously your marriage is not as great as you make out or you are very very foolish

Betty, when two people are deeply inlove and feel destined to be together, they overcome all obstacles, geography, circumstance, whatever. The fact you and the ex didn't speaks volumes. It wasn't ever a long term thing, it never will be. Why drag yourself back there, to the past, a failed relationship?

Facebook

but you don't seem to accept the advise you don't like!

Yes I agree perfumed.

Then just tell him. Say 'DH, I'm going to meet the ex who I still love for a coffee. We've been chatting for 18 months online and it's all very intense. Put the bins out before tea, eh?' and then swan out the door. Because if you feel that you can't say that, you are doing something wrong

You really do have a whopping pair of blinkers on if you believe the bullshit in your post of 13:44:21 OP.

Here is advise.

TAKE. YOUR. HUSBAND. TO. THE. COFFEE. SHOP. AS. THE. MEETING. HAS TO. GO. AHEAD.

NOT having a coffee with an ex won't ruin your marriage either, or... will it?

... nah, it definitely won't.

I wonder if the ex is informing his wife that he's meeting up with you...

WhenwillIfeelnormal..I was hoping you would come on here...I have read your threads and you always have sound advice.

I have told him my marriage is good. I have told him all the good things. I have not glossed over anything.

And yes, it was me that made contact. It's too late now to question why, I just did.

Yes, I think my DH may have been concerned and yes, maybe he does have his own secrets. And putting his head in the sand - maybe he's letting me figure this out on my own because he trusts me. I have asked a few male friends about this and they all unanimously said to go and meet EX but do not tell DH. Maybe it's a guy thing.

Oooo
I very rarely do shouties.

If ever there were a sterotype of the mindset of the selfishness and child like attitude of someone having or about to have an affair op is it.

This should be stickied, to show wronged spouses, there really is nothing they can do to prevent infidelity, once the person has detatched and made their mind up.

I just tried to 'like' your post emmy

Yes emmyloopseyloo. ^