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Original poster

How do I talk to DH about an ex?

173 replies

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 12:48

Short story is this...a long long time ago (3 years before I met dh), I had an intense love affair with someone. It didn't work out due to geography, circumstance, whatever..it doesn't really matter now. It was never meant to last.

18 months ago, due to dreaded internet, we got back in touch. We had had no contact for 19 years. He's married, kids, me too. We never really forgot each other - it still feels intense. I told my dh about him and that we had been in touch. DH was very understanding but I got the feeling that he didn't want to know too much. I told him it upset me to be back in touch with ex and dh's response was 'you can't help your feelings'.

We left it at that, although dh has asked me a couple of times about how 'that situation' is going. I brushed it aside.

I have kept up contact with ex. I needed to know how his life turned out, what happened to him. It was one of those 'one that got away' situations.

Anyway..the ex is coming into town on business and I would really really like to see him. I NEED to see him. I know that sounds like I'm some dramatic teenager.

I would like to talk to my dh about this and tell him ahead of time. The idea of lying to him and making up a story is making me feel sick. I am not a good communicator. I find it very hard to talk to DH about my deep inner thoughts. Other than that, we have a great marriage..good friends, good sex etc..but I do feel we have trouble baring all - him included.

I would like to give DH the opportunity to know about this meeting and process it beforehand. However, I don't want to make it into something he perceives as a threat. It saddens me that I have no idea how DH will react. I should know that, he's my husband and we've been married for 15 years.

DH doesn't even know his name. I never spoke of him because it was one of those hurts that went right to my core. I think DH would understand but how do I word so it doesn't come out sounding like I am still pining after someone from decades ago?

The trouble is, I do still love ex and always will. That's just a fact.

OP posts:
SeeJaneKick · 08/03/2011 13:24

If it is one coffee then why are you even struggling with this? If it was one meeting you had planned then you would not be so stressed.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2011 13:25

Why not take your DH along to meet this man?.

I guess you say closure because your relationship with this man previously ended without you having proper answers from him. If this is so, you may never get a straight or honest answer from him. As said before, exs are exs often for good reason.

I feel this man is chancing his arm and sees you as an opportunity, he knows how you felt about him all too well and is pushing your buttons. I think you will only hurt yourself all over again but this time your H will cop the fallout from all this too. Its not just about you solely anymore.

Work on your own self instead: I would advocate talking this through with an impartial counsellor.

pooka · 08/03/2011 13:25

I think you're loving the melodrama here. "one day, one coffee".

Very slow drinker.... Hmm

carriedababi · 08/03/2011 13:26

oh your willing to throw your family away for an ex

niceHmm

your poor dh

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 13:26

'Why do I need to see this man? Closure maybe'

Bollocks.

You had closure 19 years ago.

Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:27

I haven't 'planned' anything...
I'm struggling because it brings up a lot of past issues for me that occurred BEFORE I met dh. Feelings that I had buried deep and thought would never come up again. But they did..what am I supposed to do, pretend I don't feel it?

OP posts:
Smum99 · 08/03/2011 13:28

I would just say to your your dh that your ex is visiting and has suggested you meet up. I would bring your dh along or at the minimum offer that he comes. He will then maybe ask questions and you can talk to him.

What concerns the posters is you are saying the feelings are still intense. That's a concern, you have also ruled out an affair or leaving partners which suggest it has been in your mind.

He's an ex for a reason - you can get an update on what he's up to from email..I suspect you want to see him and that's not a good sign.

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 13:28

Betty - don't do it. Just don't.

pooka · 08/03/2011 13:29

Yes.

You only need closure now because you got back in contact.

Concentrate on what's good now and forget about the past.

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 13:29

Maybe get some therapy then.

GnomeDePlume · 08/03/2011 13:29

Get some counselling, it will be cheaper than an affair followed by a divorce.

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 13:30

'pretend I don't feel it'?

YES.

Please, listen to yourself. Read your posts back. You are NOT over this guy. Not by a long shot.

Callisto · 08/03/2011 13:30

I think you sound very selfish and quite childish. I also think you are either naive in the extreme or lying to yourself about why you want to meet him and why he wants to meet you.

Why do you need closure when you haven't seen this bloke for 19 years? Why are you not taking your (extremely understanding) DH's feelings into account? Why are you even considering lying to him about some bloke you haven't seen for years?

You do realise that this guy who you haven't seen for so long is probably rubbing his hands together that a quick shag has landed on his plate like this? It is all very sordid and not at all the wildly romantic picture you have built up in your head. You also might like to consider that you will be fucking up two sets of children and two innocent people when your 'intense' feelings spill over and you can't stop yourself from shagging him. Yuck.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/03/2011 13:30

"The Ex and I have already discussed the fact that had we stayed together, it would never have worked out."

Isn't that closure enough? You've been chatting to him for the last year and a half. Face-to-face closure sounds like a rather unnecessary indulgence.

itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 13:31

you are supposed to have more respect for your DH and not take advantage of him.
Yes pretend you don't feel it if it means keeping your husband and kids.
Your behaviour is despicable

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/03/2011 13:32

You can work through your feelings without seeing the ex. If I were you, I think I'd tell my DH how I was feeling. Explain what the ex had meant to me, and that I was struggling. Together, you can work at your marriage and maybe come out of this happier. I'd take this temptation as a neon, fifty foot warning that something wasn't right in my relationship. I had a great lurve before DH, but there is no way I'd risk what I have now for a coffee with the charismatic, gorgeous bastard.

Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:32

yes, therapy might be a good idea.

I'm trying not to be melodramatic and I am a very normal person and no, I do not like this sort of drama.

Having read all the posts about women in turmoil over their husband's affairs, the advice is always to be open and talk about it. So that's what I'm trying to do..talk to dh about it..I guess a counsellor may help me understand why I can't open up about this.

OP posts:
fedupwithdeployment · 08/03/2011 13:32

i agree with most others - it would not be a good idea to meet this man. the thing that stands out to me is that you seems to have been having a FB relationship with him for 18 months which is "still intense".

I am likely to meet up with an ex from about 20 years ago soon (he works with DH), and I have no strong feelings about it. If I had been FBing him for 18 months, I would feel very different.

I don't think you want closure...you want culmination. Where is this going? There are a lot of threads on here written from the other perspective, and I think you are on thin ice.

pooka · 08/03/2011 13:32

Self-indulgent. That was the word I was searching for. Thanks Anniegetyourgun!

emmyloopsyloo · 08/03/2011 13:34

All this talk of leaving partners is a red herring.

If op is as entwined and infatuated with the OM as much as it comes across, that the DH knows and she'll do anything to meet this guy. The DH may well just call time himself, rather than wait for his wife to stop acting like a lovesick teenager over an OM.

The marriage ending, may not be op's decision. She may well end up single, it maybe her husband finally says enough.

caramelwaffle · 08/03/2011 13:34

You are being all so....melodramatic

And cliched mid life crisis

Could you not take up rock climbing? etc

Burn off some energy?

itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 13:35

What do you mean you are 'trying' to talk to him about it?
If your marriage is so great why is this so difficult for you? Hmm

tokenwoman · 08/03/2011 13:36

if your heart is thumping and your legs feel weak, dont do it, keep it on email, exchange family photos then stop, why bother putting yourself and your DH through all of this, and while your meeting this ex what about DH what do you think he'll be doing while you sip coffee. what would you think if it was the other way around and he was going off to meet an ex girlfriend that he hadn't quite 'got over' bet you'd be on here outraged that he was even communicating let alone thinking of meeting her sorry playing with fire bury these feelings its not worth it,

perfumedlife · 08/03/2011 13:37

Right or wrong, you have feelings connected to this man and your dh knows he can't magic them away. As you say, what can you do?

I heard from my significan ex last year after 16 years and it stirred up so much. Five minutes after he called, dh arrived home unexpectedly and I felt total guilt! The ex had called me, wouldn't tell me how he got my number/married name. I had done nothing wrong but felt guilty. Of course, I told my dh, and he was rather angry at the ex, he knew I had a major relationship and took years to recover. In some way, he was frightened that I might discover i had feelings.

Well I did. Feelings of disgust, at the way he let me down and lied and hurt me, hurt others, and was still at it. Dh needn't have worried, but the truth is, if the shoe was on the other foot, i would have worried.

I can't advise you, I don't know your dh, or how he is thinking. I know I would hate it if my dh went to meet his ex, so I wouldn't do it to him. Would you have an issue if your dh experessed a desire to see his ex?

Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:38

Itsohsoquiet...exactly..why is this so hard to talk to dh about?

No midlife crisis..just trying to work out a few things in my head.

And no my marriage is not ending..it's very good thank you very much which is why I would like to talk to my dh about this.

I do understand why everyone is being so judgemental and I am not some naive lovesick teenager. I know exactly what I'm doing and I know what I'm risking.

OP posts: