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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I talk to DH about an ex?

173 replies

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 12:48

Short story is this...a long long time ago (3 years before I met dh), I had an intense love affair with someone. It didn't work out due to geography, circumstance, whatever..it doesn't really matter now. It was never meant to last.

18 months ago, due to dreaded internet, we got back in touch. We had had no contact for 19 years. He's married, kids, me too. We never really forgot each other - it still feels intense. I told my dh about him and that we had been in touch. DH was very understanding but I got the feeling that he didn't want to know too much. I told him it upset me to be back in touch with ex and dh's response was 'you can't help your feelings'.

We left it at that, although dh has asked me a couple of times about how 'that situation' is going. I brushed it aside.

I have kept up contact with ex. I needed to know how his life turned out, what happened to him. It was one of those 'one that got away' situations.

Anyway..the ex is coming into town on business and I would really really like to see him. I NEED to see him. I know that sounds like I'm some dramatic teenager.

I would like to talk to my dh about this and tell him ahead of time. The idea of lying to him and making up a story is making me feel sick. I am not a good communicator. I find it very hard to talk to DH about my deep inner thoughts. Other than that, we have a great marriage..good friends, good sex etc..but I do feel we have trouble baring all - him included.

I would like to give DH the opportunity to know about this meeting and process it beforehand. However, I don't want to make it into something he perceives as a threat. It saddens me that I have no idea how DH will react. I should know that, he's my husband and we've been married for 15 years.

DH doesn't even know his name. I never spoke of him because it was one of those hurts that went right to my core. I think DH would understand but how do I word so it doesn't come out sounding like I am still pining after someone from decades ago?

The trouble is, I do still love ex and always will. That's just a fact.

OP posts:
Callisto · 08/03/2011 13:54

Depressing isn't it Emmy?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/03/2011 13:54

So you're putting your head in the sand about your H's secrets too?

But have you accurately described the former relationship and your current feelings about this man, to your H? If that's a no, then you are already telling lies by omission.

And you only seem to be listening to the friends who are saying "Go for it!" I'd wager a bet that they are not friends of your H's Hmm.

Bottom line. Would you feel able to show your H this thread before you meet up with this man?

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 13:55

You didn't read WWIFN's post properly betty.

perfumedlife · 08/03/2011 13:56

What's the difference seeing him over a cafe table to talking to his pic on facebook? Why do you need to go? Is a coffee with him really worth potentially wrecking your marriage? You are not treating your marriage as the valuable, precious, life affirming thing it is/should be.

This is sad, and like watching a car crash in slow motion.

NinkyNonker · 08/03/2011 13:57

Take him with you?

It'd be different if you genuinely were looking for an innocent hello, but you're not. You say you still love him. You say 'life is too short'...which you could use as a rationale for all sorts of 'things'. Be honest, are you looking for/hoping for a reunion of sorts?

You must know some odd people, not one of my friends (nor DH's were the roles reversed) would advocate this ill fated meeting nor recommend deceiving my lovely husband (which you say he is).

He just sounds afraid to rock the boat (which is sad), not secretive.

Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:58

okay WhenWillIFeel..here's a question..

If your H had come to you BEFORE he had the affair and said 'I have feelings for someone else and it's really hurting. I don't want to hurt you and I respect you enough to know that I need to discuss this with you and let you know that I'm feeling these things for this other woman'.

Would you have turfed him out the door for having feelings? For wanting to talk to you about it?

You are right WhenwillI..I admit that. I am burying my head in the sand. And all these posters who say I shouldn't meet him are 100% correct. I'm trying to make my marriage better, not worse.

So I will consider NOT meeting him but it is going to be hard. And sad because yes, I do still love him. I am only human.

OP posts:
solo · 08/03/2011 13:58

It is possible to be friends with a person of the opposite sex ~ even an ex and not jump into bed with them, you know. I have several myself, at least one of which I know would sooo go there; I would not. He respects that and does not even attempt to broach the subject.
So I will go against the grain here and say to Betty this: Mention to your Dh that ex is coming to town, that you'd like to meet with him for a coffee and chat and would he have any objections to this. If he does, then you must not meet him. If he is Ok with it, then do meet him, but make sure that you don't look back when you've finished your coffee and chat. Close that door once and for all.

perfumedlife · 08/03/2011 14:01

Solo, I agree it's possible to be friends with the opposite sex, just not one you still love and have deep feelings for.

nbyet · 08/03/2011 14:01

OP you are seriously deluding yourself. That little voice in the back of your mind telling you it's wrong is the one to listen to, not the adrenaline rush you are feeling about arranging to meet up with this guy who 'meant a lot to you and always will'. What does that even mean? It's the kind of thing I imagine people say when they are having, or are about to embark upon an emotional affair.

It will not be just coffee, and yes you're right, if you go ahead with it you are being selfish. You risk hurting your DH and yourself, not to mention OM and his wife.

perfumedlife · 08/03/2011 14:02

Did your dh know you started chatting to him on facebook a year and a half ago Betty? Because that would frighten me, all those hours if my dh was talking away online to his ex. That's hardly being there for your parten, that's an emotional betrayal right there.

nbyet · 08/03/2011 14:03

Cross-post. Glad you are rethinking the whole thing and hope you come to the right decision.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/03/2011 14:05

In answer to your question, an absolute and bellowing "NO". Quite the reverse, I have always believed that couples should talk about crushes and discuss whether they are harmless or whether they carry some meaning. That doesn't mean that those discussions don't come with some hurt attached, because that's human. But a damned sight less than the hurt an affair causes.

I honestly think you are evading a lot of responsibility here and it's why I think that if you met this man, you would pretend that as long as he made the move, you would be less responsible. You'd be saying "Sigh, I'm only human after all" and letting yourself off the hook.

Whereas, as far as I can see, you instigated this correspondence, you've lied to your H about the context of it and you're giving yourself every excuse in the book for going ahead.

So, would you show your H this thread?

perfumedlife · 08/03/2011 14:06

Betty I'm not having a go, I am really trying to work out what it is you feel for this man, not what you think you feel iykwim? Was it a long thing, did he end it, did he hurt you, were promises broken, or did it end while you were still very in to him, leaving you heartbroken? Did you marry dh on the rebound? The three years you mentioned, is that after you split, and before you met dh?

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 08/03/2011 14:06

OP I understand your sentiments - I am happily married, 3 DCs (one just a few weeks old) but have got back in contact with my old boyfriend via the internet and he now lives back in the UK. He is also happily married, also has kids. I have told my DH I'm back in contact with him, but know that if I had the chance to meet up with him, I would want to. I was with him for years (almost as long as DH and I have been together, and it was a teenage love which seems to be more intense than a 'grown-up' love). Not sure why I'd want to meet up, certainly wouldn't want to jeopardise my relationship with DH and my family, but would still want to meet up, so I do genuinely understand your turmoil.

I think the advice an earlier poster gave of I'd just tell your DH, and don't make it out to be more than it is. Eg. "DH, X is in town on business on the 15th, so I said I'd meet up with him for a drink for old times sake. That's okay with you isn't it?". is spot on, although I'd change the question to the end of "is it okay with you? If it's not, then I won't go." He'll want to talk to you about it, and probably your true feelings will come out when forced to talk to him about it in RL.

MrsCampbellBlack · 08/03/2011 14:08

Betty - there have been some very similar posts from another poster in a similar situation to this - not sure if you're her or not. Not that it matters just that I know that these types of situations rarely end well.

But I think personally that its easy to say one day/one coffee etc but what happens if you see him in the flesh and he's even more attractive than you remembered.

I just think you're doing the whole pulling the plaster off really slowly thing and getting into a riskier and riskier situation.

I think you would be better off to stop contacting him full stop really unless you are totally and utterly sure you no longer have feelings for him.

And I wouldn't be so sure that your DH will be ok with this - he may say he understands but really - what choice are you going to give him?

I also wondered why you're still spending time thinking about someone from your past - I know its easy to fixate on something to avoid dealing with other stuff.

Anyway - just take care of yourself and think about whats really important in your life - your marriage or catching up with an old flame.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/03/2011 14:08

Don't make it out to be more than it is? Confused

It's the reverse isn't it? OP should tell her H exactly how it is, which is that this is affair territory.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/03/2011 14:10

Agree, WhenwillI. Playing it down will do no good at all.

solo · 08/03/2011 14:11

It would be difficult perfumed, but not impossible.

I do think that the OP needs to close and lock that door behind her though and the only way to do that is to have coffee, see his imperfections, burning them into her brain and leave.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/03/2011 14:15

Solo but that won't happen. This long, slow-burning correspondence has ensured that even if both parties have aged badly and wouldn't be remotely attractive to eachother if they met now, they would be seeing eachother through an entirely different lens at that meeting. Because to see eachother objectively and accurately would mean that nothing would happen, and neither wants that outcome.

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 14:17

Betty

I think you already know what you would like to happen if you were truly honest with yourself.

You still love this man.

You still miss him, you've been talking to him for 18 months (do your respective partners know this?)

You said that your own DH has grieved for the loss of his ex too.

You are playing with fire, and you know it.

What you do about the way you feel, is up to you but the fact that you are asking for advice tells me you already know how wrong this is.

HorseWhisperer · 08/03/2011 14:21

bettybooty, you have some wonderful advice by the mnetters here - please, please take it.

I would be seriously worried if I was this man's wife. Have you thought about her? And if your husband were to know the intensity of feelings between you and your ex would he really be ok with it?

Honestly, I would rather stick rusty blades in my eyes than possibly hurt my husband in this way.

YesPleaseDrChristian · 08/03/2011 14:21

OP how would you feel if your DH could see inside your head? Would he be hurt?

suzikettles · 08/03/2011 14:22

And if you tell your dh that you're going to meet this man, and if he begs you not to, says it will make him very uncomfortable if you do...will you still go?

You will, won't you? Which makes it all sound like you want your dh to give his blessing for this incipient affair tbh.

Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 14:22

Okay..I do understand all of this and yes, I know I'm playing with fire and that I am already involved in an emotional affair.

So I'll change my question now.

Do I tell my husband about it or end it and move on?

OP posts:
AintMissBeehiving · 08/03/2011 14:23

This will not end happily. The excitement of reviving something that happened 20 years ago is not worth throwing away a good relationship for.