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Original poster

How do I talk to DH about an ex?

173 replies

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 12:48

Short story is this...a long long time ago (3 years before I met dh), I had an intense love affair with someone. It didn't work out due to geography, circumstance, whatever..it doesn't really matter now. It was never meant to last.

18 months ago, due to dreaded internet, we got back in touch. We had had no contact for 19 years. He's married, kids, me too. We never really forgot each other - it still feels intense. I told my dh about him and that we had been in touch. DH was very understanding but I got the feeling that he didn't want to know too much. I told him it upset me to be back in touch with ex and dh's response was 'you can't help your feelings'.

We left it at that, although dh has asked me a couple of times about how 'that situation' is going. I brushed it aside.

I have kept up contact with ex. I needed to know how his life turned out, what happened to him. It was one of those 'one that got away' situations.

Anyway..the ex is coming into town on business and I would really really like to see him. I NEED to see him. I know that sounds like I'm some dramatic teenager.

I would like to talk to my dh about this and tell him ahead of time. The idea of lying to him and making up a story is making me feel sick. I am not a good communicator. I find it very hard to talk to DH about my deep inner thoughts. Other than that, we have a great marriage..good friends, good sex etc..but I do feel we have trouble baring all - him included.

I would like to give DH the opportunity to know about this meeting and process it beforehand. However, I don't want to make it into something he perceives as a threat. It saddens me that I have no idea how DH will react. I should know that, he's my husband and we've been married for 15 years.

DH doesn't even know his name. I never spoke of him because it was one of those hurts that went right to my core. I think DH would understand but how do I word so it doesn't come out sounding like I am still pining after someone from decades ago?

The trouble is, I do still love ex and always will. That's just a fact.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 08/03/2011 15:13

I don't have any 'big stuff' with regards to ex's.

I actually don't think it would be a good idea to bring this ex up with your dh and I think the best way is to seek out some therapy and work through the issues you have surrounding this ex boyfriend of over 19 years ago.

lint · 08/03/2011 15:40

What you must not do is lie to your husband if you decide to go ahead and meet the ex. Tell him upfront, just say you're meeting an ex to catch up with old times, which is true.

This is unfinished business and I, unlike everyone else here, would want to know if my feelings were still strong. If you didn't meet him, would you feel 10 years in the future, that you had a chance for something better and missed it for fear of disturbing a situation that seemed okay at the time, but actually was not perfect?.....Because otherwise you would not have made contact with the ex in the first place.
I think if you meet him you will recognise it is all over and you will get closure, which is not what you have had over the last 18 months, which is uncertainty.

GlitterHo · 08/03/2011 15:45

In all honesty hes been pretty understanding so far, do you want to push your luck??

put it this way if the shoe was on the other foot would you be as understanding??

lubeybooby · 08/03/2011 15:46

It will be difficult to do OP, these things are never easy but perfectly possible.... but I think you have hit the nail on the head yourself with your last post and should just stop all contact now and move on.

Time will heal, be strong while it does.

solo · 08/03/2011 16:05

Now see, you have said that your marriage may change and not for the better if you show your Dh this thread. If that's the case, you can't go ahead with meeting up with ex. (I know I'm dipping in and out of this thread and probably missing a lot of what's been said, but I can't read it all, so apologies if missing important stuff or repeating etc).

BulletWithAName · 08/03/2011 16:14

Seriously, don't do it. I was in your position last year (tracked down ex, contacted him via Facebook) and it almost destroyed my relationship. Leave it in the past where it belongs.

perfumedlife · 08/03/2011 16:22

Lint if op feels life's too short etc, she could be free to check out the other man, if she was separated, and so was he. As it is, she would be self indulgently checking out if the grass (someone else's grass at that) was any greener than hers at home. Not really in that position though.

Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 16:26

Well I have quite a few months to decide what to do, although with all the wise words I can see that the only option is NOT to see Ex.

Believe me, I am not taking this conflict lightly. I honestly want to do the right thing but I am not totally sure that 'talking' it out with dh is the answer. It is something that happened way before him and although I understand that it affects him and our marriage now, it is about something that happened a long long time ago.

Maybe I am just looking for resolve. And while I know that this is the way life turned out and I'm happy, as you say Lint, if I don't see him I will always wonder. And I'm pretty sure it will be the end of it then.

Despite everyone screaming 'affair affair', I have kept up a very dignified contact with this man. We have not 'crossed a line' that we both know is there. We have acknowledged that there are feelings there but we both felt like we needed to talk about it in order to 'get over it'. I'm not saying that was the right thing to do but I sure as hell know a LOT more about myself now than I did 18 months ago.

It's like this is the last 'step' to get over it, not to indulge myself in something that is illicit and would wreck everything I've worked hard for.

OP posts:
Bluegrass · 08/03/2011 16:32

The problem with temptation is that it can be very...tempting.

The value and strength of a marriage doesn't come from never being tempted, it is forged by the way in which you respond. A lot of people give in, which is we tend to be both amazed and pleased that some people can still go the distance and stay faithful.

ScaredOfCows · 08/03/2011 17:06

OP I think it brave of you to ask for opinion and advice on this. Hopefully, you know for definite now that meeting this man would be a really bad idea.

This situation is obviously already on your DH mind, to a greater or lesser extent, since you say "he has asked me a couple of times about how 'that situation' is going" - that shows he is aware at least of your ongoing communications, and calling it 'that situation' indicates to me that he is uncomfortable with it.

Would you want to put your DH through the anxiety of wondering how your meeting was going, or imagining things that might or might not be happening?

You have acknowledged that you know you are playing with fire, that you know you are involved with an emotional affair. Stop it now, delete the emails, erase him from your life, and put your energies into your marriage and your husband.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/03/2011 17:12

Goodness me, what nonsense. If you see him and nothing happens, you will still be wondering, won't you? That coffee won't stop you wondering, FGS. In fact, in the unlikely event that nothing happens, it will make you even more curious, not less.

If you've talked about your feelings for eachother and you've kept the content and context of your interactions secret from your H, to the extent that you know this is not innocent and that you still love the OM, you bloody well have crossed the line, yonks ago.

It also seems pretty obvious to me that the main reason you won't tell your H any of this, is precisely because he might ask you not to meet this man. Meanwhile you can continue your correspondence, plan your future meeting, all under the delusion that this is perfectly safe and nothing to worry about.

Oh, and that you're not hurting your husband, by putting him in the picture. Hmm

nbyet · 08/03/2011 19:11

OP your last post makes me think that you are sticking your head back in the sand again.

Despite everyone screaming 'affair affair', I have kept up a very dignified contact with this man. We have not 'crossed a line' that we both know is there. We have acknowledged that there are feelings there but we both felt like we needed to talk about it in order to 'get over it'.

I think that you both convinced yourselves that you 'needed to talk about' when actually you just opened it all up. At the point you realised there were feelings, what you should have done was end the contact. There is always a moment of choice involved in infidelity, that there was yours. However you now have another choice - do you take it further by meeting up, or do you choose to end it here?

It's like this is the last 'step' to get over it, not to indulge myself in something that is illicit and would wreck everything I've worked hard for.

The second half of your sentence makes sense, the first doesn't, and I'm afraid again I think you are just convincing yourself. You are acting/thinking like this situation and your feelings are out of your hands, and that you must do what your heart is telling you that you 'need' to do. You have a choice. End this now or take it further by meeting the ex.

Saltatrix · 08/03/2011 19:37

This will not end well

I feel sorry for your husband who is a bystander watching a car crash about to happen in slow motion.

dignified · 08/03/2011 19:45

Id kick your butt if you were talking to my husband in this way.

noddyholder · 08/03/2011 19:45

Leave it in teh past.You are romanticising it because of the lack of closeness in your own relationship.Stop wasting time and energy on this other man and put it into getting to know your dh properly so that you don't feel the need to seek out other avenues to fulfil that side of yourself.Don't meet him at all if it is only 1 coffee then you aren't going to miss it!Although I think you know you are hoping for more.You are looking to this ex to brighten up your current dull life instead you should embrace your current relationship head on and make it better

Saltatrix · 08/03/2011 20:48

Also does the other mans wife know you two want to meet? he might meeting you for other intentions and you seem halfway there to going with the flow if he decides to pursue.

squeakytoy · 08/03/2011 21:44

OP, if you had any sense, and any respect for your husband and your marriage, you would end all contact with this distant memory in your past.

There is clearly something lacking in your marriage if you feel so strongly about an ex.

I have a couple of ex's on my facebook who I regularly chat with. I have no need to hide it from my husband, because I no longer have any feelings for these people other than I once knew them.

There is no need for "closure".. you have been reading too much chick lit and watching american films if you really believe that bollocks.

Its a relationship that was over years ago. You have moved on. He has moved on. And thats how it should stay.

noddyholder · 08/03/2011 21:46

I also think as salta says you should think of his wife in all this. All so sneaky

loopylou6 · 09/03/2011 10:43

You don't want closure, you want to shag him. I think you should be looking at putting your attention closer to home tbh.

madonnawhore · 09/03/2011 15:07

And after you meet this man for coffee, and it's great to see him and you get on even better in person, and it's just like when you were first together again....

After that, then what? You both go back to your marriages and resume 'dignified contact'? You think to yourself 'OK, that's a line drawn under that' and never see or speak to OM again?

Please, don't insult your or your husband's intelligence. There's no way you and OM won't want to arrange to see each other again if you discover there's chemistry once you meet.

Deep down you know this OP. You're just squirming in this thread, trying to give yourself permission.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 09/03/2011 15:34

OP I agree with what everyone else is saying. The thing that stands out to me is that you recognise that meeting him is a bad idea and yet you are having trouble resisting temptation. Let me assure you that from here on in, the temptation will just get stronger and stronger until you are involved in an affair. However it feels now, this is the moment when it is easiest to say no to this temptation. YOu need to take it because if you aren't strong enough now, then you never will be and this will end in an affair.

GlitterHo · 09/03/2011 15:37

The fact you've admitted an EA is NOT GOOD will only end in tears I feel sorry for youir husband and his partner if she has no idea.

listen to advice given end it now

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