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Original poster

How do I talk to DH about an ex?

173 replies

bettybooty · 08/03/2011 12:48

Short story is this...a long long time ago (3 years before I met dh), I had an intense love affair with someone. It didn't work out due to geography, circumstance, whatever..it doesn't really matter now. It was never meant to last.

18 months ago, due to dreaded internet, we got back in touch. We had had no contact for 19 years. He's married, kids, me too. We never really forgot each other - it still feels intense. I told my dh about him and that we had been in touch. DH was very understanding but I got the feeling that he didn't want to know too much. I told him it upset me to be back in touch with ex and dh's response was 'you can't help your feelings'.

We left it at that, although dh has asked me a couple of times about how 'that situation' is going. I brushed it aside.

I have kept up contact with ex. I needed to know how his life turned out, what happened to him. It was one of those 'one that got away' situations.

Anyway..the ex is coming into town on business and I would really really like to see him. I NEED to see him. I know that sounds like I'm some dramatic teenager.

I would like to talk to my dh about this and tell him ahead of time. The idea of lying to him and making up a story is making me feel sick. I am not a good communicator. I find it very hard to talk to DH about my deep inner thoughts. Other than that, we have a great marriage..good friends, good sex etc..but I do feel we have trouble baring all - him included.

I would like to give DH the opportunity to know about this meeting and process it beforehand. However, I don't want to make it into something he perceives as a threat. It saddens me that I have no idea how DH will react. I should know that, he's my husband and we've been married for 15 years.

DH doesn't even know his name. I never spoke of him because it was one of those hurts that went right to my core. I think DH would understand but how do I word so it doesn't come out sounding like I am still pining after someone from decades ago?

The trouble is, I do still love ex and always will. That's just a fact.

OP posts:
Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:15

Chicken..my dh is very understanding..he was grieving for his ex for years after we got together. He's good friends with her now. I understand they have a history together.

DH and I are friends. We should be able to talk about this. I know in my heart he will understand. I just don't know how to broach the subject without making it 'bigger' than it is. So yes, I feel guilty but only because I have contemplated keeping it a secret. I don't want to do that.

OP posts:
emmyloopsyloo · 08/03/2011 13:15

I think your husband has been very grown up about this actually, allowing for the fact people do have feelings, crushes, pasts, etc, which sometimes can't be erased. Not everyone would be quite so understanding, your DH, sounds like a keeper.......

I however feel like, from your posts, he has been understanding and accomodating, so now you are just going to take the piss out of him. Give an inch, take a mile.

Can't say I'd be too chuffed if you were my OH, and I know some will say it's cool, yadda, yadda, but most in monogamous marriages would not want the bounderies pushed this far, it's asking for trouble and you know it.

He might make the decision for you, and think after all this understanding, about your needs and love for this OM, he may not you after all. People can only be pushed too far. Your posts are after all very selfish, self indulgent and about your needs, when your oh seems to be the only one giving anything here?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/03/2011 13:16

Why? Why will you regret not seeing him? What purpose does seeing him serve? What if seeing him doesn't reinforce how lucky you are to have DH, and actually just stirs up the same old attraction? Or is that why you want to go? To see if he's 'better'?

BooyFuckingHoo · 08/03/2011 13:16

just tell your DH you are thinking of meeting with him. your DH knows he exists and knows that you have been in contact and you say he was understanding about it. God if you can't talk this out with your DH then who can you talk it out with? Confused

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 08/03/2011 13:16

You know what is kinda Hmm to me? This assumption that you have to have a penis enter your vagina for cheating to occur.

Take your DH with you, if you're not comfortable with him being there then it's not innocent.

emmyloopsyloo · 08/03/2011 13:17

he may not want* you after all.

itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 13:18

Your DH has been very good about it so far.
You are now overstepping the mark and taking advantage of that fact.

itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 13:18

In my eyes anyway

daisyj · 08/03/2011 13:18

Can I ask (and not being snarky here), but have you asked yourself how you'd feel if the positions were reversed? I think great hurt could potentially lie ahead. And I would be very surprised if this isn't already hurting your DH.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2011 13:18

Meet this man and with your H in tow.

Do not lie to your H; how would you feel if the positions were reversed?. You could hurt him very badly and get caught out on a lie too.

Why has he contacted you now after all these years?. He sounds like he is in the area and sees an opportunity; he could have done the same to other women, you don't know him now and people do change.

Ex's are ex's often for good reason. The lines are already blurred here because you two had a relationship before so self control this time around may go out of the window.

I am wondering too if this man's wife is aware of this potential meeting.

JeremyVile · 08/03/2011 13:18

How do you feel about the idea of teking dh with you to meet him?

I think your (honest) answer to that will tell you a lot.

Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:20

No it probably isn't innocent. I admit that. And yes, my dh is a keeper but he does not know much about this ex. It was a very painful part of my life and I just could never bring myself to talk about it with DH.

Why do I need to see this man? Closure maybe?

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 08/03/2011 13:20

speaking personally, i would not have a problem with my partner doing what you are suggesting OP, but i would have a problem if they kept it from me.

JessicaDrew · 08/03/2011 13:21

good point ATM does his wife know, very important
if not steer clear,

itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 13:22

You have said yourself that you have a great marriage and this meeting 'probably isn't innocent'
It's just not worth it.
Don't meet him

SeeJaneKick · 08/03/2011 13:22

God I think you're behaving dreadfully. This is wrong. Not only are you toyig with the idea of an affair...and you are...but you are letting your DH share in your indecision.

If you love DH dont do it. Have councelling.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/03/2011 13:22

I don't think you want closure. I think you want to see if the spark is still there. And that is a very bad idea. You have a choice now where you can stop this whole thing in its tracks, or take it to the next level. If this was your DH, I'm sure you'd be hoping he wouldn't meet with his ex.

caramelwaffle · 08/03/2011 13:22

You do not need to see him; you want to see him.

However, as you have convinced yourself that you will drop down dead of The Plague/a full on heart attack/obesity from too much Ben n Jerrys ( other icy desserts are available) then take your husband along to the meeting.

Original poster
bettybooty · 08/03/2011 13:22

Jeremy..honestly no, I do not want to take my dh with me. Yes, call me a vile, inhuman, cheating slag. But I'm not. I cared deeply for someone once a long time ago. I have the opportunity to see him for one day, one coffee.

I'm not good at talking to my dh about some things and this is one of them.

And in answer to your question about the situations being reversed - they have been in the past and dh told me about going to meet someone that he'd been keen on. That's why I feel that I should tell him about this.

OP posts:
Bramshott · 08/03/2011 13:23

I'd just tell your DH, and don't make it out to be more than it is. Eg. "DH, X is in town on business on the 15th, so I said I'd meet up with him for a drink for old times sake. That's okay with you isn't it?".

CheerfulMe · 08/03/2011 13:23

How long have you been with your DH? Shock surely closure would have been reached before now?!
I think you're deluding yourself. The reason why you don't feel able to talk to DH without making it 'bigger' than it really is is because it IS a big deal - to you. Inappropriately so. And far more than you can see right now.
You sound like someone having an emotional affair or about to embark on one, and as such you will get limited sympathy on here.

itsohsoquiet · 08/03/2011 13:23

You are playing with your DH and that is so wrong

emmyloopsyloo · 08/03/2011 13:23

So you say it isn't innocent, and still think it's in your marriages interest to continue with contact.

Very selfishly having your cake and eating it here. Your poor DH. The thing is, he has been understanding already, but that understanding will run out, read the threads here.

Is this man worth losing your husband and kids for? Stop thinking of the stupid, self indulgent rush that you want, and think first, do you want to lose your family, if you DH, thinks, sod this.

caramelwaffle · 08/03/2011 13:24

That is you have convinced yourself your life will come to an end because you need to see him.

JeremyVile · 08/03/2011 13:24

And also, it doesnt really add up, all this nervousness about your dh's reaction.

He is aware of the intensity of your feelings for ex, doesnt want to know too much - is clearly letting you deal with it in your own way. So he'll either continue in the same vein re a meeting or he'll feel uneasy aboutit - and possibly, probably?, with good reason.

I think he has weighed it up and seeing as you are continents apart has decided to let you do what you have to but is he likely to feel the same about a meeting between the two of you? I doubt it. And no matter how you feel about the ex, it cant be worth making your dh feel insecure.