How do I talk to DH about an ex?

[bettybooty]

Short story is this...a long long time ago (3 years before I met dh), I had an intense love affair with someone. It didn't work out due to geography, circumstance, whatever..it doesn't really matter now. It was never meant to last.

18 months ago, due to dreaded internet, we got back in touch. We had had no contact for 19 years. He's married, kids, me too. We never really forgot each other - it still feels intense. I told my dh about him and that we had been in touch. DH was very understanding but I got the feeling that he didn't want to know too much. I told him it upset me to be back in touch with ex and dh's response was 'you can't help your feelings'.

We left it at that, although dh has asked me a couple of times about how 'that situation' is going. I brushed it aside.

I have kept up contact with ex. I needed to know how his life turned out, what happened to him. It was one of those 'one that got away' situations.

Anyway..the ex is coming into town on business and I would really really like to see him. I NEED to see him. I know that sounds like I'm some dramatic teenager.

I would like to talk to my dh about this and tell him ahead of time. The idea of lying to him and making up a story is making me feel sick. I am not a good communicator. I find it very hard to talk to DH about my deep inner thoughts. Other than that, we have a great marriage..good friends, good sex etc..but I do feel we have trouble baring all - him included.

I would like to give DH the opportunity to know about this meeting and process it beforehand. However, I don't want to make it into something he perceives as a threat. It saddens me that I have no idea how DH will react. I should know that, he's my husband and we've been married for 15 years.

DH doesn't even know his name. I never spoke of him because it was one of those hurts that went right to my core. I think DH would understand but how do I word so it doesn't come out sounding like I am still pining after someone from decades ago?

The trouble is, I do still love ex and always will. That's just a fact.

I would tell your husband about it, end it, and move on.

And I do thank you all for your advice by the way.

No I have not posted on here about this before but I have namechanged.

Both, in my view. End it, and tell your DH how you feel. Give him a chance to meet you half way in making your marriage a better and stronger one.

end it and move on for all your sakes, and for the sake of the children involved.

Ive only got to page 2.

You are going to cheat on your husband if you continue this-i think you know that?

You are doing the very cruel trick of making your husband complicite in your affair by wanting to tell him what you're going to do.

You know why its hard for you to know how to broach the subject? because you know its wrong

Oh and you have already lost control-continue at your peril.

Both.

Yes talk to your H about it and use it as a catalyst for more open, honest dialogue between you. Encourage him to share his own near-misses or indiscretions. Create a marriage where there are no secrets like this and actually have a discussion about fidelity, but a grown-up one, where you can both acknowledge that fidelity can be challenging and a discussion about how you will both deal with perfectly normal temptations.

Tell the OM that you have been thinking about this and have come to the decision that it would be best not to continue the correspondence or meet up. You don't have to give your reasons and you don't owe him a rationale. If he perseveres, ignore it and if this is FB, block him.

End it and move on with your husband.

Or arrange to meet as a foursome for coffee (you, your husband, your Ex and his wife)

Or take up cycling to burn off some energy...or rock climbing, etc etc

Thank you Whenwilifeelnormal for saying these are normal temptations. I knew I'd be flamed for coming on here and trying to explain what's been going on. I'm not excusing my behaviour or looking for acceptance.

But it does happen to even good people. You all won't believe me but I am one of the good ones. Have never even considered cheating. Which is why this experience has been difficult. Why have I rekindled feelings for someone from such a long time ago? I don't think it's as easy as pointing to my marriage and saying 'something must be wrong'. Yes, we could be more open and honest with each other but is everyone completely open and honest with their partners? Maybe we've just got into bad habits.

I understand your advice that it's time to talk to DH. But a big part of me thinks he would not want to know about it.

Betty

Yes, of course it's normal to still have feelings for an ex.

It's what you do about them that counts.

Talk to your DH, end this emotional affair with your ex and move on.

It really isn't worth it. I promise you x

Well, I'd be right there with your dh betty. I don't think I'd want to know if dh was hankering after an old flame and having long online chats with her and planning to meet up with her.

That would make me feel threatened and insecure. I'm pretty sure we'd row about it and I'm pretty sure I'd be asking him to consider where his loyalties lay or at least letting me meet this person and not keep his conversations with her secret.

However, if he had been doing these things and then chose our relationship/recognised the threat and made steps to end it/neutralise it, then I'd be happy to listen. I can see the value in that and we could discuss what had happened and how we both felt about it.

Your previous posts made it sound like you were quite frankly in the middle of an affair and no, I doubt your dh would be relishing going over all the details of that.

And in answer to your question about the situations being reversed - they have been in the past and dh told me about going to meet someone that he'd been keen on. That's why I feel that I should tell him about this.

How did you feel about that Op ? Is it possible that on some level this is a type of revenge ?

I think you have been having an emotional affair that now has the capacity to beome physical. You have lied by omission to your Dh and are now planning to meet this man claiming you still love him ect.

If you were my H i would boot you out and you could go and live with Mr-Teen-Romance-We-Still-Love-Each-Other . Its totally unacceptable and i wouldnt put up with it. Why would i want to be married to someone who claims undying love for someone else and has had how many secret conversations with that person over the internet for 18 months.

Youd be old news in my house im afraid , ive no time for this sort of crap. I think you need to stop all communication with this sad little married man as of today who is probably also lying to his wife about your contact and have a open conversation with your H about this , and his issues in the past .

Btw , does his wife know about this level of contact you have been having with her husband ? Is she aware that your meeting up and that you still love him ? You really have no right to shove your nose into someone else marriage op .

I never automatically assume there must be something wrong with a marriage for things like this to occur. Quite the reverse in fact. I think after being married a long time, women as well as men very often just fancy a romantic and sexual adventure with someone else. Doesn't mean their marriage is unhappy, or that they are bad people. Good people have affairs and they happen in good marriages, as well as ones that are in trouble.

Temptation is normal and couples need to be pragmatic about this and discuss the issues openly, instead of pretending that their union automatically makes them oblivious and impervious to the attentions of someone else.

Your H might not want to know about it, but he certainly needs to know about it. A marriage full of smoke and mirrors is one where it is far easier for secrets to flourish.

So how do I start the conversation with dh? What do I say?

No this isn't about revenge Dignified...it hurt me that he was going to see this woman, but he did tell me about it and I trusted that he would do the right thing.

Just say 'DH, we need to talk. The ex I've been in touch with and I have got quite close. I was even considering meeting him.' and then see where it goes. Well, that's what I would do

Look I keep asking you this. What would stop you from showing your H this thread? It's all on here isn't it?

If you really can't broach the subject, then say that you need to discuss something very sensitive with him but are feeling embarrassed and a bit afraid of it, but that ultimately, you want him to see that it is precisely because you love him and respect him so much, that you have pulled back from the precipice. Then show him this thread.

Yes, he's going to feel hurt, bruised and perhaps angry. That's normal, if he loves you. But in a few days time, he will realise that actually, you've given him a tremendous gift.

WWIFN is absolutely correct: it is all written here.
Tell him you are embarrassed and a little apprehensive, however, you love him and wish him to know you have something for him to read...

What would stop me is the hurt on his face. And the fact that our relationship may change forever, and possibly not for the better. You don't know him..he's very much of a 'don't want to know' sort of guy.

Wow, a thread where all the MNers are agreeing on what should (not) be done, and OP is still doing everything possible to pretend that somehow, someone will say, that's fine, don't tell him and go and meet your ex.

1. You know that's not going to happen
2. There are issues within your marriage
3. See a counsellor before your ex comes into the country
4. Carry on seeing the counsellor till after your ex has left the country and you haven't seen him
5. Then decide whether your marriage is so great

please

You will hurt him A LOT when you decide to leave him because " life is too short"

Again...you are being stubbornly melodramatic

Sunray..you will see that I have taken all suggestions on board and am reconsidering whether it is wise to see EX.

Yes, I do need to talk to DH but as I said, he is of the 'doesn't want to know' persuasion.

I may be melodramatic..true, but I'm not stupid. I'm trying to head this danger off at the pass therefore I came on here asking for advice about HOW TO TALK TO MY DH ABOUT MY EX. Not trying to be stubborn..just would really like some advice on how you all talk to your partners about 'the big stuff' because I find it really hard.

Well, you know what, I think it's good that you can see it will hurt him. Because your earlier posts seemed to suggest that it should be no big deal for him. That's pretty positive that you're thinking about his feelings actually.

And also why I am feeling sick about talking to him about it. Maybe it's better just to end contact with EX, don't see him and never speak of it again.

Yes and I keep questioning why he's a "don't want to know sort-of-a-man". You seem to agree that he might be keeping his own secrets. You say you were hurt when he met another woman. Did you tell him that this hurt you? If so, did he go anyway? Or did you try to pretend that you were the non-jealous, non-paranoid sort and trusted, despite all your inner voices that were screaming in your ear that actually, your H was as vulnerable to an old flame as the next person, as you would be in fact? This is what I mean about smoke and mirrors communication.

Actually, you don't have to pretend anything in a good marriage. If you feel vulnerable, you should be able to say so.

When I advise you to be honest with your H, it is implicit that he needs to be honest back. I'm also assuming that you both want a different marriage where you can be open about your vulnerabilities. I'm also assuming from what you say that your H is a good man who won't hold this against you and see it as a green light for his own mid-life adventure.

It's a risk, but it depends on the sort of marriage you want and the sort of people you both are.

Also meant to say that you should finish with the OM first and then tell your H. If it's the other way around, it will look like you are hedging your bets.