Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

Yes, please think of the life lesson you are giving your DC if you return to a man who assaults you.

He is not a good person who made a mistake. He is a nasty shit who chose to control and abuse you, and is now trying to reel you back in for more of the same.

Hi Fairy,
A friend of mine got back with her H after having cut contact following abuse. He promised he'd changed, was really nice, she needed the money, he moved down to be with her, they moved in together. Within 4 months she'd moved out again covered in bruises and back to square one.
Don't go back, please. (((hugs)))

Mamazon, we will never get bored of you recounting what happened to you if it helps just one person to understand that violent men will never change

they act nice for a while to suck you back in and get you to STFU, but before long the cycle starts all over again

fairy...please listen to Mamazon

Fairy, you need to look back at the rest of the relationship as well. I'm sure I remember your previous post being about his controlling unpleasant behaviour. It is not 'a good man who did something once in two years'. Is it? Sit down and really think about that relationship. Preferably with a counsellor. You really need professional help being talked through this.

It makes me so sad that you say that if you hadn't had your child in your arms you would give him another chance. He punched you in the face! Please please give yourself space to reflect properly on this relationship and every single aspect of the way he treated you.

I understand the feeling of being unable to reconcile the idea of the man you love with the descriptions that people are saying here. "Abuser", "monster", "enjoys hurting you" etc - they all seem too extreme and it's hard, impossible sometimes, to see how this relates to someone who you have been so close to and seen another side to.

It sounds like a really one-sided view of someone. And it probably is - it's easy to forget the nice points of your ex, when you're completely over them and left only with the bad memories. But please let me tell you one thing. No matter how nice someone is, it doesn't make up for their bad points if their bad points include any kind of abuse. He might have "only" hit you once, but did he do any of the things on this list (scroll down) or this list? ALL of the listed behaviours are abusive. If he does even a few of them, it's enough to cancel out any good points. I know that sounds awful, I know it sounds heartless, but good people do not do these things. Men who will love you for who you are without placing ridiculous conditions on it or making you feel afraid DO exist. Look for some of the threads about people who have lovely husbands and partners, read them, see what you can, what you should expect from a relationship. And then see if you can ever imagine your ex being like that with you. I know he seems like everything right now, but I promise you that there is someone out there who is all of his good points (and better) and none of his bad. Maybe you feel you don't deserve this? Can I just say that you DO. I've never even met you and I know that you, and your son, deserve better.

I can find you some nice husband threads to link if you can't find any.

Be kind to yourself - it does take time to work these things out. Take as much time as you need. :)

BB, you are so compassionate x

Too soft, more like. I STILL have a soft spot for an ex (not the one I post about most often) who did things that would horrify even the most hardened mumsnetters. Honestly, if I'd have been here and posted about him then I would have been torn apart. Difference is I'm not emotionally drawn to him any more. It's possible to detach yourself and still have fond memories of someone.

BB, we have all done things/accepted treatment that would make the most hardened MN'ers toes curl !

"Walking away from him completely is so much harder than walking out the door that night"

You are right. It is. ON thenight you left you were scared and angry and in shock and your natural fight or flight instinct kicked in.

It is perfectly normal to wonder whether you did the right thing. Very few of us leave and never look back. Even those who do hold out and never return still have those days where they wonder what if.

I have been free of him for 6 years now. and yet even now when there are periods where he is calm and happy, i can see why i stayed for so long. I can see the man that i loved so very very much.

there are loads of leaflets telling you not to put up with abuse. loads of information about leaving, about why you should not stay. But you know what? no one tells you how totally fucked up your head i when you do.

You know that you cant go back but your heart is screaming at you that you want him. What you are experiencing is greif. You are grieving for the marriage you had every faith in, the love that you believed wholeheartedly was reciprocated, For the life that you wanted more than anything, for the father you chose for your children.
It is ok to feel lonely, to want the man you fell in love with back. It is more than ok, it is totally and utterly understandable.

But what you need to do is allow your head to tell your heart that is remembering through rose tinted lenses. Because in your mind the good times outweight the bad you want to beleive this was just a blip, just a momentary loss of sense.

Unfortunatly it is the opposite. It was the moment he let the facad slip and showed his true self.
Allow yourself time to grieve. accept and acknowledge your feelings of lonelyness
But please, don't give in to false memories.

Oh yes, mamazon is so right about the rose tinted glasses memories!

It reminds me of this song (I first heard it on Love Actually - I'm not technically old enough to like Joni Mitchell...) this verse though ALWAYS makes me cry.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

fairy please take some time out to breathe and for yourself. I know that it is hard. I got out on xmas eve last year. My ex only hit me twice actually. I left him in novemeber and he convinced me to go back and i went back thinking i would give it one last chance.
The last chance lasted for less than 4 weeks and he was back up to his old tricks and worse. the day I left, he slapped my 5 year old dd around the head and called her a "stupid fucking bitch" for not spooning cake mixture into the little paper cupcake case in the "right" way. He also picked up my 4 year old ds and physically shook him and threw him on his bed before getting right on top of him and shouting in his face for having an argument with his sister.

I am not trying to shock you but help you to see that this was the behaviour of a man who only 3 weeks earlier had promised me the moon and stars and that he would do anything possible to fix things between us.
Have you read this article? here. It says that if you can identify 3 or more behaviours on that list that your relationshiop is at a very high risk of causing damage to you. I read it before I left the first time and it frightened me to see that ex was abusive and I was the victim. You need to be honest with yourself and see his behaviour for what it is.
I also understand you feeling so sad that it's over and that you still love him. I am still struggling with this 3 months on, although i am now adament that i won't go back. But it doesn't stop you from grieving for the marriage and life you should have had.
Please speak to somebody, a health visitor, relative, or ideally womens aid. I cannot recommend them highly enough. Remember they are not there to judge you but to support you through this process however it turns out.

Im going to meet him tomorrow on my own.
Life is not always so black and white and I feel I need to see him at least.
Sorry if I disappoint anyone, you have been brilliant and Im sure your intentions are good but I think I need to do this on my own now.

You don't disappoint us

We are concerned for you, and it is clear you are making a mistake

but you are a grown woman, and this is your own choice

good luck x

fairycakes I am so sorry about the situation you are in. But I am really concerned about your last post. It suggests you are going to stop posting on here - is that because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear - that a marriage can survive DV? I know it's tough to listen to and take advice that is not what you want to hear, but in this case it's so important that you listen to what people are telling you! For the safety of both you and your son.

I am worried about you - concerned for your physical safety meeting your ex alone, and concerned that he will manage to weasel his way back into your affections.

Please remember he hasn't just made a mistake. He made a MONUMENTOUS, irreversible mistake punching you, not just that but punching you when you were holding your child. Then he slept with someone else. And to top it all off, he was suspicious and controlling of you.

You can and should be with someone who wouldn't dream of doing any of those things to you, who instead would make it his aim in life to keep you and your child safe, warm and happy.

Please, please don't go back to him. And if it's not too late, please don't meet him alone!

fairy don't stop posting.

If you do meet him can you take a friend?

If not can you at least let someone know where you are going and when you will be back?

We are not judging you. we are just concerned for your safety.

Sigh.

Can I ask you to imagine something fairy???

Imagine in 10 years time explaining to your tearful and crying ds when he is trying to comfort you after anothr beating why you stayed with this person.

Perhaps that will give you some perspective.

He has physically attacked you

He could have seriously hurt you and/or your child

He has cheated on you

And you still love him?

Then you deserve everything you get but your son doesnt

Fairycakes - I am not going to pull my punches here.

I posted on your first thread and didn't realise you were the same poster. It's simply not true that this sort of thing has never happened before, is it? In the three months since your son was born, your husband has:

• not allowed you to speak to or see your mum
• told you he's angry because you're not having sex as much
• that you're a failure for stopping breastfeeding
• told you not to pick up your crying baby
• physically held you down so you cannot go to your crying baby
• raped you
• smashed a cup against the wall because you forgot he was going out drinking
• punched you while you hold your baby in your arms.

Things have gone downhill very, very rapidly.

If you go back to him, you are putting yourself and your DS at huge risk. If I were your friend, I would call social services. Your son does not deserve to be in that environment and you are not a fit mother if you prioritise your 'love' for this violent thug over and above your son's wellbeing.

I agree completely with lady

lady, glad you brought up the details, I remembered fairy had posted before and the violence came later - but couldn't find the original post.

Fairy - this is not about him hitting you once - it's about sustained controlling and bullying behaviour. He didn't want you picking up the baby did he? And didn't want you calling your mum?

You are not safe with this man. please don't leave this thread.

And on your first thread you said that you hadn't posted the half of it (or words to that effect).

Oh and I forgot to mention that he's fucking another woman.

Fairy

Please, please do not go and see him. With the way you feel now, that's the worst thing you can do.

I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for 15 years. God what an idiot I feel now!! But it's so hard to leave, and you've done that now. Take comfort from the fact that you've had the strength to leave now, because I didn't and look what happened to me.

After 15 years of mental and physical abuse, I was a shell, I had no self confidence, I couldn't stand up for myself to anyone, no self respect and huge guilt that I'd let down my two beautiful boys. Dv has a huge effect of dc's. My xh even managed to turn my ds's against me and get residency for a while. Why?? Because I never had the guts to call the police on him so no records, and both dc's swore blind nothing had ever happened. It's very different now, but they have both been damaged by it, particularly ds2 who is in abusive relationship himself. That's his gf abusing him.........

I'd split up with xh several times. He always slept with someone else and then blamed me, and then I took him back because I "loved him". It's not love, it's fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of seeing him with someone else, fear of having to do everything yourself. It is scary, but you've done the hardest part.

Please don't go back, don't see him. They don't change, ever. Anger management doesn't work, counselling doesn't work.....got the t-shirts.

I left in the back of an ambulance, please don't let that be you.

I know this post sounds a bit OTT, but please listen to my experiences. It's taken years of counselling to get to where I am now.

I haven't seen your previous thread but i am sure that Lady hasn't made that list up.

As i have told you, i went back and took my ex back many times. I don't think you weak or gullable or deserving of all you get (actually very very angry about that comment but will let it pass as i am sure it was said with good intention)

You do need some space to sit and think about how things are. If you want to make things work with him then of course, go and see hima nd speak to him. But don't make any decisions today. Speak to him about seeking anger management and getting himself booked on to a DV perpetrators course. One of the specifications for acceptance onto these courses is that you no longer reside with the person you have abused. This is for numerous reasons, not least because it removes the temptation to abuse further but also because the course will explore the reasons for their anger and it can be very stressfull. It needs a lot of reflectioon and self exploration.

He needs to accept that his behaviour has ben abusive, that it wasn't just a one off and that this was more than one blip in an otherwise perfect marriage.

I described earlier in teh thread the system of abuse. That was before i was aware of the other details LAdyBiscuit gave. If you look at my earlier post and then marry it up to the list ladybiscuit gave you will see that your husband has followed the exact same pattern i already gave.

Does that not resonate with you? because it made my heart sink.

As others have said, If you go back to him without him first seeking help, the cycle of abuse will continue.
You WILL be abused further. whether physcially or just emotionally.
Your child will see this and will either grow up resenting you for putting up with his abuse or he will learn that this is the way you treat women. this i what a man does.

Also one of two things will happen. Either the abuse will remain behind closed doors and your child will witness all sorts of vile behaviours and become so desensetised to it he will act it out himself ( my own son did this) or people will become aware and call the police. They in turn will contact SS and your son will be assessed. IF they find that DV is still happening he could be removed from you unless you take steps to keep he and yourself safe.

If you want to go back then of course you can. I will not judge you for it. But you need to know what the facts are for that decision.

Please don't stop posting here. IF you don't want to talk about it publically then by all means contact me via PM.

No it can't.

It starts slow, silly things, comments, you won't even realise until you have later left and detatched.

Then blocking your path, then pushing shoving. Then pull Of the hair, grabbing, and holding tight where, no one will see, then a slap, then a full on kick in, which gets worse every time.

You know what, I always thought once, once it's ok, a mistake. It slowly gets worse though, it may not be every day, but it gets worse. The apology time becomes less, it takes, less and less time for the real colours to show through.

Then one day you leave after having a broken nose, two black eyes, a bruised body and attempts at suffocation.

Don't go back EVER. EVER. EVER.

I am happy other posters have realised Fairy had posted before.
I remember the night she left, everybody was ''shouting out'' call the Police. It was such a relief that even if she did not call / report the Police, but that night her friend turned up and she could leave. It was very scary as Fairy had mentioned he had just gone out for a bit and could come back.
Now Fairy, you have been very brave to leave that night, something I must admit I was not sure you were capable too because from what you had posted earlier on (what Lady has summed up) showed how much bulling he had put you through.
Your feelings are totally misplaced. Look at your little one he is so tiny and helpless you must pull yourself together for him. You must!