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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

515 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 06/03/2011 21:50

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms Sad
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 07/03/2011 10:04

He punched you while you were holding your son. Do NOT go back to him.

Feeling like you can't ever be with anyone else etc is a normal part of any break up, everyone gets past it eventually you just have to hang on in there and don't fall for all the lines he is using to get you back

Wanting you back might seem great, but it isn't... he wants you back under his control

I have seen this happen a few times, Violent abhorrent man gets anger therapy blah blah but just does it again and again.

Tell him these texts are unacceptable and keep contact to ONLY about your son. You have to do this for his sake as well as yours.

Also please speak to womens aid. They are wonderful.

suburbophobe · 07/03/2011 10:26

Please don't leave your son alone with him! You never know what he might do to him "to get back at you"!

If he punched you while you were holding his son, it means he neither has respect for you or his son, what if you had dropped him from the shock?? Shock

I agree with the others, get onto Women's Aid!

All the best, I went through this too with my ex, my son and I are very happy together without him! Smile

BertieBotts · 07/03/2011 10:56

I know it's really really hard to switch off your feelings. If you could get someone else to do the contact handovers for a while that would help, and have no contact with him at all for a while. You could also look into a contact centre - as others have said as he has been violent it's best that he doesn't have unsupervised contact really - but this would also mean that you wouldn't have to be there. They can just do handovers if that is what you want.

Are you having any kind of counselling at all? Do you have any friends you can talk to who aren't being judgy etc? That will help too. This will get easier, just give it time :)

boxingHelena · 07/03/2011 11:05

suburbophobe Mon 07-Mar-11 10:26:18
Please don't leave your son alone with him! You never know what he might do to him "to get back at you"!

agree, but I think no one was suggesting unsupervised access
In fact, OP this is the first thing you should organise via the appropriate channels (social service, etc)

waterrat · 07/03/2011 11:14

Fairycakes, I remember your other post, well done on leaving. Of course it is hard - you have feelings for this man and it's really difficult to walk away from that.

But there is more to this than a single incident - I remember you talking about his controlling behaviour - suspicion/ criticism? So you are now asking about whether the violence can be forgiven - and I agree with everyone else here that it can't.

But it's not just that - you need to sit with a counsellor and talk through all the other ways in which he frightened and belittled you. It is not normal to be constantly frightened or controlled by your partner - you really need to see a professional and talk about this.

Protect yourself and your child. Anger management will not change this man's character. Intensive therapy might, but would take years and he would have to be committed to changing every aspect of his behaviour and looking deep into his own past. It absolutely will not help him be the partner you need right now or any time soon.

Please see the bigger picture here - I also wonder what your own family background is? What is it that has taught you to accept his controlling behaviour?

But - well done for leaving, it is not easy and it's great to hear your friends are looking after you. Remember, they know you very well and see this man for what he is.

Have you arranged counselling yet ? womens aid can help with that.

fairycakesandsprinkles · 07/03/2011 22:10

I texted DH this morning and told him I won't be going to the house anymore and if he wants to see DS then his sister can come and pick him up (she is fab and had already offered).
No reply yet..
Spent nearly all day looking at the women's aid website and reading how children are affected by violence and I'm so scared I might have damaged DS Sad
How could I have let it get that bad??
Why couldn't I have made DH happy then none of this would have happened.
And why he hasn't answered my message? Contemplated calling him but not sure what I'd say even if I did Confused

OP posts:
waterrat · 07/03/2011 22:14

Fairycakes, it's not that you 'didn't make him happy'. It's that he has serious problems and is a violent and controlling man. It's not your fault he is like this - and it is not because of anything you have done.

AS well as getting away from him, it's important for your child that you understand that this was not your fault and that NOTHING you could have done would have changed how he was with you.

the problem is in him. not in you. Please don't call him. YOu need to really avoid contact while you recover from this. As you get more support and distance you will see how disturbed he is.

PeterAndreForPM · 07/03/2011 22:19

love, a man like this can never be happy

there is something wrong with the wiring

whatever you did or didn't do will have made no difference

there is a lovely poster who describes the mind of someone like this as a "howling void"

that imagery is very powerful I think

bottom line, if you continue to take resposnsibilty and blame, you will end up being talked around by him and going back

this is how these mind-fuckers work

you have to get wise to it, or you remain very vulnerable (and so does your son, except he has no choice Sad )

Alambil · 07/03/2011 22:19

If you'd have done everything just perfectly, there'd have been something else. NOTHING you did or could have done would change him or stop him. Nothing.

How old is DS? He isn't irrepairably damaged - he's free of it now, as are you. That is a great bonus in repairing your relationship together and stopping the "damage".

Don't call - there's nothing to say. He hasn't answered because he sees it's the only last few things he can use to control you - to get you begging and pleading for an answer. You've told him how it will be. Let him do the running now.

LittleMissHissyFit · 07/03/2011 22:21

You have not damaged DS. Even if you were to choose to return to that situation your H would be the one damaging, your return would facilitate it.

Now you know the implications are not just about you, that they are going to impact your DS, and teach him how to treat HIS wife one day.

Now you know what you must do, and that is to fight this addiction to a very bad person.

This is not about your failure to make your H happy, you are never going to be responsible for the happiness of your partner, we are responsible for our own happiness.

FWIW, your H would never be happy with anything you did, or anything any of his victims did, it's not about what you or anyone does, it's about his anger controlling what you do, say, think and are.

This situation is bad because your H is a vile bully, he gets off inflicting pain and control on a mother and her child.

Stay strong, and stay away from this man.

LadyBiscuit · 07/03/2011 22:22

You've got out fairycakes. Your son will be fine - children are very resilient and he is young. The main thing now is that you are consistent and loving with him (which you will be) so that he feels secure.

And none of this is your fault. It's not something you did or didn't do.

pranma · 07/03/2011 22:22

dear fairy-IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
You have left before your ds could be harmed.You have shown that you are a brave strong person who does not need this wicked bully in her life.he is manipulating you even now by not replying to your message.You dont need a reply.You have told him what will happen from now on-speak to your s-i-l and arrange the next visit and ask if she can stay with your h and your ds.

Curiousmama · 08/03/2011 16:30

Yes why didn't you make him happy? Then you'd have the perfect chocolate box life and no violence or aggression Hmm I think you know that's a bit of a silly statement but let you off seen as you're feeling very down Wink Good for you on the text though. Wait it out.

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 16:56

fairy...how are things ?

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 08/03/2011 17:36

i think if he really have succeeded in being 'fixed' (a month is nowhere near long enough for this IMHO) he would see that he overstepped a mark and that you deserved to move on with your life without him.

i suspect even if he can manage to keep his fists in his pockets he will use emotional abuse / manipulation to control you and try to prevent you from being your higher self.

you deserve more.

this relationship is irretreivably damaged good.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 08/03/2011 17:38

if he was saying you deserve more /better than me - i love you but you will be better off without me in your life i'd be more convinced the therapy had had an impact.

fairycakesandsprinkles · 09/03/2011 00:08

Not a peep from DH after my text but found out through mutual friend (who thought we were over) that he has been sleeping with another woman.
I called him and he denied it but I could sense he was lying through his teeth.
Can't believe he would beg me to go back and play happy families and he's shagging someone else all along!!!
what the hell? Shock

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 09/03/2011 07:18

No big surprise.

Sorry.

I hope that is the final nail in the coffin of your relationship for you. His opinion on that is of no value

tribpot · 09/03/2011 07:32

If you can, don't get into this situation about him with another woman. He will make it all about - as you put it - how you didn't make him happy and so what's a poor boy to do? You don't need it - it's enough to know that, far from the remorse he was expressing and willingness to mend your marriage, he has continued to display his disrespect for you and your family. The fact he didn't respond to your text speaks volumes.

The fact is, you didn't know him. You don't know him. (Not a criticism of you, I married my DH after not knowing him for very long). YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR WHAT HE DOES.

It's time to move on.

waterrat · 09/03/2011 08:09

oh fairy, I'm sorry. It's awful that he has put you through this. But in some ways its good - because it will make sure you don't go back to him.

Remember - you were worrying about him/ considering how to help him and take him back - while he was shagging someone else. the guy is an absolute selfish lying cock.

please get some counselling to make sure you never end up in this situation again.

BertieBotts · 09/03/2011 08:26

How lovely of him. Well that shows how upset he really is about not having you. What a cock.

At least it confirms (along with all the other things) that you have done the right thing. Stay strong :)

fairycakesandsprinkles · 09/03/2011 08:44

And to think I almost felt sorry for him!

He makes my blood boil, in our home screwing someone else while me and DS are living in a tiny 2 bed flat with three other people and no money.

I don't want to be parted from DS right now but seriously need to think about going back to work.
Won't get help from the council with housing because my name is on the mortgage.

Oh what a mess

OP posts:
fairycakesandsprinkles · 09/03/2011 08:47

I suspect once he realises I'm definitely not going back he won't give me a penny either

OP posts:
Mobly · 09/03/2011 08:49

Fairy you really really ought to read this book www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

I have been in abusive relationships- they are soul destroying, this book opened my eyes so I could see the abuse for what it really was. Control- it's all about control. You need to understand that it's not your fault, the problem lies with your ex and there is nothing you can do to help him or change him.

You have to think of yourself and your boy and put some barriers up to protect yourself.

Are you sure your son is safe to be left alone with your ex? I would be questioning this.

Remember too, while you are doing all the running around, ensuring your boy and your ex have a relationship, your ex will keep up the pretence of wanting to change etc.

Now you have texted him with your intentions expect to see his true colours return. Ignore, ognore, ignore.

otchayaniye · 09/03/2011 08:50

As a child of a father who was violent (always using objects rather than fists, and not always at my mother, many times at furniture, windows, doors etc -- I suppose that made him feel less like he was violent TO his wife) I would say no.

My mother stayed with him, but his building tension (he had lots of affairs and caused a lot of strife in order to get a pass) and subsequent outbursts coloured my childhood and deeply affected me. I am so lucky that for whatever reason I have steered very clear of men like that and have a wonderful,
respectful and kind husband.

My mother never left ("he was a genius", "He's so mixed up about his childhood, he can't help it" blah blah) and so this pattern of behaviour went on. He was always contrite, always seeking 'help'. I grew up thinking battered doors, broken windows and a father storming off for a week at a time was
fairly normal.

The behaviour evolved, certainly. It was actual violence against my mother (I was left crying as a baby as she was hit by a chessboard and taken to hospital) in the early years, then violence more against things, then years of silence and disappearance and infidelity, then depression, money problems and suicide.

But he never addressed this anger and need to control and lack of respect for my lovely mother.

Our relationship was complicated. He loved me and gave me many gifts of time, learning (he was a genius) and love. But I can never forgive
hise vile, thuggish, bullying side.

All in all, I wouldn't wish it on my children.

I really don't think someone who would hit you with his child in your arms can do enough to change for you. In some ways, the more remorse = the more self-pity = the depth of his self absorption and the cycle will just repeat itself.

Best of luck, you'll need some strength.