Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

jeeeeee my syntax!

Fairy I wish you luck and strength for when you meet your H. I hope you get some answers to your questions - just try to keep an open mind about what he is saying. If he really cares for you he will want you to be happy, even if that is not with him.

Look after your boy :) and please keep posting, even if you decide to name change, you will always find support here.

I didn't realise this wanker had form (thanks for the compilation LadyBiscuit). I take back what I said when I thought this was the first incident. You are in danger from this pathetic excuse for a man. He will not improve, whatever he tells you, he will only get worse.

You must take any steps you can to remove him from yours and your child's daily life. My sister's ex only started to become accountable for what he was doing when I rang her local police to register my concern at what he was doing to my sister and my niece and nephew (he snatched my 3yo nephew from my sister one day and disappeared for several hours). Until then they had not taken my sister's report seriously. Every police force should have a DV unit - in our experience these units are very good once you access them.

You MUST do something, even if that thing is telling the person you know who is most likely to help you and your DS by calling the relevant authorities on your behalf. I can see how it might be hard for you do it yourself, but please please get help with this.

Eeeek thanks for that Lady. Hope you do get out for good Fairy?

I am not about to pack my bags and move back in today whatever happens. I?m going to meet him to talk things over and try to get some answers to all of these questions I have.

Even if I decide that we need to divorce I cannot move forward without seeing him, it?s just something I have to do. Sorry if I?m not explaining it very well.

I have received some really good advice on here and I am trying to take it all on board but my head is so messed up right now.

I guess I am grieving in a way for what I have lost and what could have been. I can?t seem to reconcile his actions with the man that I thought he was.

and yes you are right, it was the first time he had punched me but there were a lot of other smaller incidents as well. I need to remind myself and DH of that.

Fairycakes glad to see you are still posting. I just reread your post 'DH makes me feel like a crap mum' and it's harrowing reading. The other things cannot be passed off as 'smaller incidents', they are all horrid - him controlling how much you saw your Mum in those first few months, him forcing you into sex, him smashing a cup against a wall because you forgot something he had told you weeks ago - you have GOT to keep away from this man. Earlier on you said that if there was the tiniest chance your DS could get hurt, you wouldn't go back to him. Well, there is a significant chance your DS will get hurt - even if not directly, he will be hurt when he sees you being abused.

I know when you are on the inside of a situation it is impossible to see outside of it. I think you have accepted the way this loser treats you as the norm. Your self-esteem is seriously low fairycakes, and it's only going to get lower if you go back to this horrible man. Please don't do it - you owe it to yourself, your son, your Mum, and everyone who cares about you to get rid of him (and he does not care about you by the way).

sweetheart, nobody is judging you - i hope you realise that. god knows i think everybody on this thread has been in your shoes
i can totally understand that you want answers... How dare anybody behave like this and you want to know why. I still feel the same. but please be prepared for the fact that he will not be able to give you answers. He will probably be very sorry and promise you that he will change etc... I wouldn't blame you for wanting to give it another try just to make sure you are sure you are making the right decision. I did that too... but I remember what my fried who is a social worker told me (and I resented her for saying it), that if my kids continued to live in an abusive environment, like mine was and like yours is, that i run a very high risk of them being put on the at risk register. I'm not trying to frighten you, i found it helped to realise the seriousness of the situation and how important it was for change to happen. Unfortunately my ex h only managed to "change" for a few days before he slowly slipped back to old ways. It only took me 3 weeks to realise my original judgement was right, that i needed to get away from him.
Do what you need to do, but be aware that he will try to make you feel sorry for him.
keep posting

Fairycakesandsprinkles- what will you achieve from seeing him one more time? What do you hope will happen? That he will fall to his knees and beg your forgiveness? That he will promise to change everything and try really hard this time? Could you trust him to follow through if he did?

Please look at this before you go. It's the cycle of abuse, and it shows how abusers hook in their victims with their behaviour. There will be a honeymoon after an incident where the abuser promises things will be better, manipulates your feelings (and I think your abuser is very good at manipulating your feelings), and things really are better for a bit. But then it builds up again, and eventually violence, abuse and control will spring up again. So if you end up back with him again, and it does seem to me that this is the way you're going, just test this cycle of abuse. Observe the pleas for forgiveness and the promises, watch as the honeymoon phase disappears and the tensions build again. I hope that at this point you'll have seen enough to leave before another incident occurs, I hope that you don't have to live through any more of these cycles, but if you must, keep observing until you realise that this will not stop.

I'm sad for you and your DS, but understand that leaving an abusive relationship rarely happens on the first try, so please don't feel that anyone is judging you, we're just terribly worried for you. Please let us know how things go, and know that you can come back any time and there will always be support for you here.

Not judging you. Please just remember - what you have to guard yourself against now is not him being nasty, it's him being "nice" and pulling you back in.

If he genuinely cared about you, he wouldn't be begging you to come back right now, he would be taking himself off to get help and genuinely change because he would be so horrified at himself and so unwilling to put you in a situation where you were uncomfortable or at risk.

Of course you are grieving for the relationship that you thought you had. That's absolutely understandable.

I am worried that he will tell you things will be different now and will persuade you to go back. I really, really hope you won't, for your sake and for the sake of your son. He deserves to be in a safe and loving home and whether he gets that is entirely in your hands.

Yes, of course you are grieving and that will probably continue for a long time. Completely understandable.

He has not just abused you physically and emotionally, but has abused the trust and love you placed in him....that is a hurt that takes more than plasters or painkilelrs to heal

I am so glad you are still posting...I was really worried when you said you werent going to anymore.

I am sorry you feel "judged".....we are not judging you....we are honestly answering the question you asked in your OP.

You have been so strong...you can continue to be x

Here goes...
We had a very very long talk.
He admitted he has been a complete wanker (understatement I know)and said he does not expect me to stick around if it happens again.

I did get annoyed when I brought up the other incidents where he tried to control when I saw my mum, and his jealousy and he could not understand the link I was trying to make.

I told him if he wasn?t prepared to admit when he had been wrong and work towards changing it then there is no point in us continuing at all and we would both be wasting our time and harming DS in the process.
He told me this was the last thing in the world he wanted and he would do whatever it takes.

He said a few times that if he did screw up again then he would be the one to move out and I could keep the house.
But I don?t know that I want to move back in there so soon. I need my own space and he needs to go to counselling or some kind of dv program for a while first. He is going to start looking in to this and see what's about.

So I don?t know if he?s going to move in with a friend and I move back into the house or I might find another house nearby to rent for me and DS which he will cover the costs for - he can afford it.

We talked about the other woman briefly.
He went out with his arsehole mates the weekend after I left and got completely off his face.
Apparently this woman he works with was there. He has known for some time that she is attracted to him. She offered it to him on a plate and he took it.

I know what you will all say and I am not happy about it at all but I walked out on him. We were over at that point so I don't feel I can go on about it too much.

Er...you walked out of him because he punched you, yes? And a few days later he fucks someone else.

Jesus wept.

*on him

"But I don?t know that I want to move back in there so soon."

This is a smart instinct, there's no hurry is there?

"he needs to go to counselling or some kind of dv program for a while first."

This is a bad idea. Counselling has been shown to make dv abusers worse.

"So I don?t know if he?s going to move in with a friend and I move back into the house or I might find another house nearby to rent for me and DS which he will cover the costs for - he can afford it."

OK this bodes badly. 1) he's engineering it so that you're financially dependent on him by paying for a rented house 2) he's keeping you hanging on his decision about where you will live. He's controlling the situation. You need to take charge.

"She offered it to him on a plate and he took it."

Sorry, but if you believe this tripe I have a bridge to sell you...

Please take your time, take charge of the accomodation situation yourself, try to disengage yourself from him and get some distance from the situation so you can see it clearly. If he's serious about sorting things out he'll give you space and time. If he's not, he'll pressure you and try to make you dependent on him. Like the cycle of abuse, observe and see how things develop.

Yes winybella I left him and told him I wanted a divorce and he slept with someone else.
Like I was free to do too

You knwo what we are going to say because deep down you knwo it too.

A man who had respect for you, wanted to be with you, loved you with all his heart would not have slept with someone a few days after his wife moved out because he assaulted her.

But infidelity is often forgiven by women. It is a choice you make.

I am very glad that you have not allowed him to sweet talk you into letting him move back in. At the very least the distance between you whilst he seeks help will allow you time to rebuild your self esteem, to gain your independance and for you both to get perspective.

It is a good first step. Well done you, and very well done to brave this thread again given the fact you knew what we would say. You are a lot stronger than you think.

You were free to sleep with someone else, but did you? Would you, if it was offered on a plate? Would you want to? Why/why not? :(

dizietsma, couples counselling usually makes DV worse, individual counselling can be helpful. More so to the abused than the abuser though.

Fairy it sounds like you had a good chat today. I'm glad you were able to do that. I think you are right to say you don't want to move back in right away. Take as long as you need - longer than you think you need! :) You need to be sure. Surer than last time, as you know, because of the risk of upsetting/confusing DS.

Have you thought about using this time apart from him to have some counselling for yourself? Also it would help I think to do some reading about DV (and other relationship issues) just so you are armed with lots of information, you can spot warning signs before anything like this happens again (with your DH or with a new man at some time in the future). One which is often recommended is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I think you'd find it particularly interesting as the author runs DV programs for male abusers in the USA and he details how these kinds of programs work as well as offering support in the book for all - people in an abusive relationship, people separated whose partners who are going through the DV program (ie your situation) as well as people who have left abusive relationships for good and know they aren't ever going back. It's really non-judgemental and I think you would find it really helpful.

I do agree though you could take more charge on the house situation. Let him pay for it if you want (you could always switch to a housing benefit claim if he starts using it to control you or if at some point you decide it's not going to work) - but look yourself, don't just let him decide. You want to have a more equal relationship - this starts now! Don't stand for it :)

He wanted me to move back in with him and I said no.

It is down to me if I move back in and he moves out or if I find somewhere else to live for me and DS.

If it was the other way round and he left me and told me he wanted a divorce I would consider myself free to do whatever I want. I wouldn't expect him to be pissed if I slept with someone else so I can't do that to him.

You can't tell someone you don't want them then complain if they find someone else.
I'm sure he could have this woman easily if he wanted - he's good looking, has money, nice house, nice car.
But he didn't, he chose to try and make things work with me.

"but I walked out on him" - yes, and he was full of remorse and wanting to make a life with you again. Apart from the bit where he was fucking someone else. Funny you don't feel able to go on about that too much, I wonder who gave you that impression?

Keep strong, fairy. I hope you will find your happiness. Why does anything need to be conditional on him screwing up again? Like last time wasn't bad enough? Was that a freebie and it's the next turn of the cards that will decide things? How terribly convenient for him.

The reason he said about screwing up again was because I said that I am concerned about what will happen if it doesn't work out.

So he said I wouldn't have to leave - he would and I could have the house.

But I really couldn't give a toss about the house

I did get annoyed when I brought up the other incidents where he tried to control when I saw my mum, and his jealousy and he could not understand the link I was trying to make.

This concerns me fairycakes. He is either lying to try to downplay the fact that he knows he is generally an abusive man, or he is seriously deluded. Either way he is still not trying hard enough to prove to you that he has changed, or to take responsibility for his behaviour as a whole. Indeed it sounds to me like he is trying to make you feel that are paranoid - is this a form of gaslighting? I'm afraid I am not an expert on gaslighting.

If he had really changed he would see and accept this very clear link, and be going out of his way to redress the issue.

I am also concerned at how willing you are to overlook the fact that he has slept with someone else. For a lot of people this would be a dealbreaker in itself. What makes me sad is that for you, it seems that this pales in significance compared to everything else he has done, all of which I can see you are going to forgive

You deserve so much more than this fairycakes. So does your son.

But as others have said don't feel that you are being judged. People are just very concerned for you and your DS.

I'm sure he could have this woman easily if he wanted - he's good looking, has money, nice house, nice car.
But he didn't, he chose to try and make things work with me.

No. he didn't. He slept with this woman. All those things you listed about him...none of them make up for being an abusive husband.

You were free to sleep with who ever you chose. But the idea wouldn't have entered your head because you were so upset and distraught at losing the love of your life.
He had just beaten his wife while she was holding his son. If he was any kind of man the very last thing on his mind would have been sleeping with someone else.

At the moment this man does not deserve the title. If you can see through his abusive ways then great. Allow him the chance to prove you right. But please make sure you and your DC are safe just in case you aren;t.