Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

And the only view to take regarding his new woman is to pity her. I feel sorry for any woman that enters a relationship with an abusive man. Your ex is abusive in the extreme.

Did you report it to police when he punched you?

Have you seen a solicitor or CAB yet?

Oh, he won't give you a penny if he has the choice, you may be certain of that. But if your name's on the mortgage then you have at least a stake in the house - and if you're married you are entitled to a good bit more (theoretically half, depending on circumstances), regardless of whose name it's in. Put the emotional side into a box somewhere for now and make sure you get the best legal advice you can afford, or the best free legal advice you can rustle up (Women's Aid may be able to help as may Citizens Advice). There's a lot of good advice on the 'net. The important thing, which you've done already, is to get out and get safe, and that's worth more than all the bricks and mortar in the world; but if you don't have to walk away with nothing, you owe it to yourself and your child to fight for what is yours. And that's a share of the house you've lived in and contributed to.

Just seen the stuff about the affair. Lovely man.

Glad it's given you the filip you need to break off. All the best to you and glad for you this didn't drag on for years.

Definitely speak to the CAB about housing too. Good luck.

Poor you, this man just keeps pulling them out the bag don't he?

FWIW I think this will open your eyes, past the pity etc you had for him,hopefully it will make you stronger, and more aware that he did not just lose control and regret it, he cheated on you also. he is no good Daisy

You're doing really well, fairy. You've done well by your son to leave. It's not at all unusual to want to go back - that's why it takes women an average of 7 or 8 times to leave an abuser. They keep hoping and hoping that things will be different. All that wasted hope! But here you are, helping to lower the average by refusing to go back after the first time - well done!

It takes longer than a month or two to get over him, but of course you will. Nearly two years down the line, I still get twinges of nostalgia for my ex, who was often vile but sometimes very nice too. I'm delighted to hear he was sleeping with someone else, because it makes your decision-making a lot easier. You can see him for exactly who he is. You're making a whole better future for yourself and your son by being away from him.

Never planned to be a divorced single mum aged 23.
Sounds awful doesn't it? Im such a failure

No it doesn't sound awful. Why do you think that?

It wasn't your fault your ex was abusive. You should be proud of yourself for getting out.

Don't let him knock your confidence, or if he has already, work on getting it back.

You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. So much to look forward to.

Please read the book I mentioned.

what would be more awful if you turned around in 25 years time to find yourself still married to an abuser who shags other women

now that is awful

you should be congratulating yourself on having the good sense to get out before he destroyed you completely

marriage guidance eminem style....
abuser:
Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

abused
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I hate that "song" so much

Fairy - did you say your name is on the mortgage? And that H is in that house, with your name on the mortgage?

Is it joint? Or just your name?

Have a look at THIS

If you are not living there but paying for the mortgage or bills, I'd be taking steps to change that ASAP.

You got out. You are surviving, you are moving forward and getting stronger every day that you do.

Your DS will be fine. Absolutely fine. In fact, the stronger you get, the happier both of you will be.

Have a look on the DWP (tax credits) website too.

Get an appointment at CAB to deal with any creditors, cards, bills etc.......

You are an inspiration to many. It's never easy to leave.

I feel sorry for the other woman. Chances are, she'll end up in your shoes one day.

Men like your H can't be fixed.

Horrible song.

Yes both our names are on the mortgage, we bought it together

I can't remember who asked but no I didn't call the police when he punched me.

Stupidly I wasn't sure that our split was permanent then so I didn't want to get them involved.

I knew that if I called them there would be no going back and I wasn't ready for that.

I haven't seen a solicitor yet but will see if I can make an appointment for next week to speak about the house and his contact with DS.

He has been bombarding me with messages today, but what can I do?
We need to be in touch because of DS.

He has now decided to admit sleeping with this woman but says it was a one-off, it was sex and nothing more and he still loves me.

you only need to be in touch about ds, and in the most basic terms

anything else is just emotional blackmail, by him, of you

you would be very foolish to listen to his mealy-mouthed excuses

sex and nothing more ? Nice bloke to use another woman as a fucktoy

Oh God fairy

Don't go back to him. Just don't. It's never a one off. Ever. Even if in your entire marriage he only ever hit YOU once, the chances are that he's lost it with past GFs.

He is scared of losing the control over you, not you.

You need to get your head into gear and get a Non-Molestation Order and an Occupation Order so that YOU can live in the house with your child.

Not him.

You don't have a penny to your name so how on earth can you live elsewhere?

You other option is to contact Shelter for emergency housing.

I have a horrible feeling that you still don't believe that you have a reason to leave H for good.

He's very good at sob stories it would appear.

The police need to be involved.

You are putting yourself and in turn your son at risk.

For what? A man who hit you, more than once I'll bet too, with a baby, HIS baby in your arms?

What a coward. As others have said he doesn't hit anyone else does he? His boss, mother, friends.

Pathetic.

You have as much right to be in the house as him. If that's what you want.

If not, you need a Non Molestation Order -

"A non-molestation order is aimed at preventing your partner or ex-partner from using or threatening violence against you or your child, or intimidating, harassing or pestering you, in order to ensure the health, safety and well-being of yourself and your children."

Go and look at WA's website again.

The best thing to do is just tell him in very clear, cold language that you will only be in contact to sort access out, anything else you will ignore. The problem is at this early stage it's really hard just to ignore those other texts.

Is there any chance you can get someone else to have your phone for a while and have all contact screened through them? His sister perhaps? He won't harrass someone else because there is nothing to gain from it.

Either that, or get a cheap pay as you go mobile. Tell him your old number is no longer in use, and get the network to block it (or just swap the sim cards over, tell everyone your new number, but not him)

Then switch the spare phone off except for an allotted time each week where he has to ring, or you will ring him, to discuss arrangements to see DS. If he tries to talk about anything else just say "I am not willing to talk about this" and put the phone down. And switch it off. Until the next allotted time. I know this sounds cruel, but he still has a hold on you while he's doing this, and you can't let him. It's like dealing with a toddler - sometimes you have to ignore and be really strict and just let them tantrum away to themselves about it. Don't allow him to upset you any more. This is in your power now :)

After a while he will give up on the messages etc. XP gave up for a while, I got my phone back, and things were fine. Then he started texting me daily asking about DS. I didn't know what to do at first as I thought it was mean not to text back when it did concern DS, but then I realised that it was still making me feel intimidated and fearful of looking at my phone - he was still getting to me even though he wasn't there. So I texted back saying "You are seeing DS on X day. Please don't text again unless it is urgent." and then I shat myself waiting for his reply. Which was a bit "poor-me, I miss my son" type thing, but I thought, no, it's entirely his fault he misses DS, funny that he only misses him now when he didn't care enough to treat us better before. He didn't text again, and it was a massive weight off my mind. Until he broke up with his girlfriend, (of 6 weeks ) anyway, (why he thought I would care I don't know) which I ignored, and got a text in the morning saying sorry about that one. They learn

get the network to block him sorry.

OP

You are not a failure. Do not ever consider going back to him though. All contact now should be about your son and access only, not emotional stuff. Who gives a toss if he has another woman? Feel sorry for the poor cow and be glad... rejoice even that you are not her, and that you are free to find a kind and gentle man when you are ready. Even if you hear things like that in future and are angry don't contact him about it.

Please keep in contact with womens aid and please be proud of yourself for what you have achieved so far, and be proud that you are now protecting your son from being abused via witnessing this

I think you should view getting out of a violent relationship as an achievement. I know I do.

And I can relate to what you're saying about "if only I had made him happy". Because he's managed to make you feel like the temper's your fault, hasn't he? If only you'd been perfect, 100% of the time, and sidestepped every emotional landmine, it would have been fine.

Only it wouldn't. Because not only are you not a robot, you should not be in charge of his tempers, he should be. Indeed, you have the right to have a relationship where you are both occasionally a bit shitty to the other and it doesn't matter a damn. And by "a bit shitty", I mean making a snarky comment. I don't mean shouting at the other person until they hit the foetal position

I know this is going to sound mad but I think I need to see him again.
Until he knows for sure that it's over he isn't going to leave me alone and I have a lot of questions I need answers to.

fairy, please dont see him now. write down the questions you have and know that you can ask them in a few months. and by then you won't care.

You don't need to know anything - he is an arsehole. Have you arranged any counselling yet?

He will know it's over because you stop responding to his calls or texts. Get a friend to call and explain you don't want to speak to him. Arrange contact for the baby through someone else.

This man is HORRIBLE. He is a seriously abusive controlling man who wants you back so he can treat you like shit again. You were in love with him a few weeks ago - it's not going to be easy to resist his pressure if you see him.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, can't stop crying.
How can I be any use to DS like this?