Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

Hello fairycakes - how are you doing?

I'm doing ok thanks.
I went to see a couple of houses today, one of which I have fallen in love with. It's only small but plenty big enough for two of us. It's in a nice area and has a lovely little garden for DS with patio doors opening on to it. My mum came with me and said she will pay the deposit and everything for me if it's what I want so may just go for it even though she would prefer me to move back in with her.

It got back to 'D'H that I was talking to this guy I told you about on friday night. He has now got it into his head that the reason I have changed my mind about getting back together is because of him and he is was initially really pissed off but says he will forgive me if I go back That was yesterday but I haven't responded to the text at all.

I don't think this guy was the one to tell DH, I think it got back to him through his other dickhead friends who blanked me then spent nearly all evening staring at me.
He is really sweet but I don't know how to approach it, whether to cut ties with him so DH has no excuse to keep contacting me with all this crap or not. I don't want to because I do really like him and I feel like I need all the support I can get but I wonder if it's all worth it?

So glad to hear about the house, it sounds great :)

Re the other bloke, well I wouldn't jump into a relationship with anyone else if that's what you're asking. Fine to stay friends but I'd keep your distance and try and find your own circle of friends that your husband doesn't know if that's possible.

He'll forgive you, for what? Hurting his fist on your face? Or is you talking to a man, in a crowd of friends, somehow in need of forgiveness whilst him sleeping with a woman is not?

No, I wouldn't go there with the friend, as he's a friend of H's (he is not a DH!) and it's all too close to home. Besides H has already started to use it as an excuse to behave badly. It's just nice to know that other men do find you attractive and you don't have to expect you'll be alone for ever. Treat it as a little ego boost, and meanwhile lean on your mum and friends who don't have anything to gain from supporting you other than your happiness.

He'll forgive you?! Wow, that's big of him! (huge sarcastic emoticon!) If I were you I'd let this other bloke know that dh is likely to take everything out of context so you'll have to cool the friendship for a while. Take time to set yourself up in your new home, enjoy your freedom and see how you feel in a month or so.

Fairy, I would really avoid this new guy - you are very vulnerable right now and don't need more hassle. You are very very recently out of an incredibly traumatic situation - I worry that you say you need all the support you can get - a new man is not the kind of support you need, even a new male friend who you don't really know. Stick with your old mates and your mum for now, dont complicate things.

You are young and have so much of your life yet to live, get that lovely house, sort things out and a little way down the line, perhaps by the summer time you can start looking around for new friends etc...

have you looked into counselling at all? I have had it myself, its so helpful to talk over relationships and the lessons learned from them, and make sure your head is clear for the next one.

House sounds lovely! Hope you get it.

Agree with staying away from this other guy, at least for a while. I'd give yourself at least six months to a year to get over this relationship and to figure out who you are and what you want.

He isn?t pressuring me at all. He was with me when H sent me the text and I showed it to him so he knows what it is I have to deal with.He felt bad for putting me in that situation and said it might be a good idea to not see him for a while. I agreed.

I?m just angry that H thinks he can still control who I can and can?t see but it?s alright for him to sleep with another woman the minute I am out of the door because she 'gave it to him on a plate'. I haven?t so much as kissed this other man and I?m called a whore. oh but he?ll ?forgive me? if I say sorry. wtf?! I?m so angry.

I?m not sure how counselling would help ? I just need my twat of a husband to behave like a normal person and I?ll be fine.
Sorry about the language I?m just fuming right now

Fairycakes, you need at least a year without men. The new man may be an ordinary nice guy but there is a fairly strong possibility that he's a predator, I'm afraid. Abusive predatory men can smell a vulnerable woman, particularly one who is just out of an abusive relationship. They are aware that it won't take much to reduce you to snivelling obedience, and they will need to expend far less effort on 'training' you. Your boundaries and your arsehole-radar are in terrible shape, right now you need to concentrate on you, not dating, not trying to please a man, not couple-relationships. Being single is good. It's allowed. A good stretch of time being single is the only way to give yourself strong boundaries and rebuild your self-esteem.
Best of luck.

That's what he did when we were together. He never told me I couldn't see anyone but made me feel so bad if I did that I stopped seeing who I wanted to.
Now we're not even together and he's still doing the same thing. Surely that's not right? He has destroyed any small chance we may have had of working things out. I have never been so angry with him before

Hooray - I'm glad you're angry with him. Now you can see the kind of man he really is. A controlling bullying abuser

I do understand what you are saying, and Im really glad you are angry! You are right - its absolutely bloody outrageous that he destroys your relationship, he hits you, he acts like a total twat, he sleeps with someone else -then has the nerve to accuse you of being with someone new. He is a cock.

but its not because of him that you should avoid dating anyone new - absolutely not. It's because you personally are vulnerable and also because

re. the counselling - perhaps you are right, but it might be worth looking back over your relationship and some of the controlling behaviour that you accepted as normal - ie. before he hit you, he was treating you badly and controlling you - and you weren't sure what to do about it.

Counselling would be a chance to look at your thoughts about relationships/ your boundaries, the way you have learn about relationships from your own childhood - and make sure you dont make another mistake in choosing another controlling man.

so - of course dont let this man control your life, nobody wants you to do that- but I think that a month out of a domestic violence situation you need to concentrate on yourself, and sort your head out and make sure that if you start another relationship its really with someone good.

Fairy - YAYAYAYAYAYAY!! For the house. It sounds ideal. Exactly what DD and I moved into after the hostel.

I really hope you do go for it.

Please listen to those who say that it's too soon to start any kind of relationship with someone else.

Be on your own for a while, with your DS. And your mum. Just enjoy feeling safe and happy in your own skin for a while.

Let yourself heal. Let yourself grow again.

He doesn?t know about any of the abuse and I doubt H has told him, so there is no sinister motive there. He has not tried anything on at all, not even a kiss, so he?s not trying to rush me. We have known each other for 2 ½ years and he has always had a lot of time for me, it?s not like he has suddenly shown an interest in the last few weeks. I would be very suspicious of that. I suppose if he cares about me as much as he says then he won?t mind giving me time and space, which he seems to understand so that?s a positive.

But I know people are not always what they seem and I am also wary of being with someone a lot older again (same age as H). I guess it has been a nice distraction from all the crap I have been through lately.

I know you are all right I need to immerse myself in sorting out my new house and spending time with DS.
So I?m going to try and do that and forget about it at least for a little while.

I think that's sensible, fairy. Even if this other guy is great, there can be an unequal power dynamic when there's a relationship between people of very different ages. Which is not to say that these relationshops are inherently bad, but the younger party does need to be very sure of their own identity going in. And I know from experience that just after leaving an abusive relationship, nobody is at their strongest.