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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

515 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 06/03/2011 21:50

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms Sad
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

OP posts:
ballstoit · 14/03/2011 22:17

Hmm, methinks it may be time for him to dangle potential other woman under your nose fairy.

He wants you to react and his 'I miss DS' card didnt get you to show your hand.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 14/03/2011 22:31

Yeh it's funny how the 'I miss DS' came right at the end of the conversation isn't it?

OP posts:
kingbeat23 · 14/03/2011 22:45

Fairy, you have been amazingly strong and I applaud you. there was a point where I was screaming at the screen NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! thinking you were going to go back to him.

It might get worse, it might not. It probably will though, dont worry we will be here holding your hand through it.

Another telling thing about your conversatons with him is that everytime you mention about HIM coming to get DS he seems to have to get back to you n that....

V proud and not soo worried...

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 14/03/2011 23:38

uh oh. He's coming round here to pick him up.
That seems like not such a good idea now. I was trying to be reasonable but didn't think he'd take me up on it

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 23:41

invite a friend or your mum round at the same time

and have you only just found that out ? by text ?

he shouldn't be communicating stuff like this at this time of night

if you haven't replied, ignore it

you are asleep

don't dance to his tune, love, throw your dancing shoes in the dustbin

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 14/03/2011 23:43

He texted me like 20 minutes ago. I haven't answered yet but I don't want him calling me names again because I don't reply.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 23:46

hen you are dancing to his tune

turn your phone off

this is too late at night to be communicating with him

if you don't re-draw the boundaries, he is not going to

let him call you names tomorrow...it's just hot air, it doesn't mean anything to you, only a way for him to attempt to exert his control

phone off (but keep close by in case of 999)

doors locked

go to bed

TheVisitor · 14/03/2011 23:47

It's late. Switch your phone off and reply tomorrow, telling him not to text so late as you refuse to wait up for him. Your mum's going to be so proud of you for getting out of there. We're proud of you for staying strong. Well done you. As was said above - you rock. Grin

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 14/03/2011 23:51

Ok I'll turn it off.
Makes me wonder if he's been drinking again because he's never usually up this late. He has to wake up really early for work

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 23:52

love, there is much, much more name-calling o come

do you think he will just disappear wihout putting up a fight

to fear name-calling from him...well, you might as well take him back right now

it's going to get worse for a while

you can ride it out though...the very worst thing you could do is let him continue to control your every thought and action

you can do it

no communication with him tonight

text him tomorrow to say his sister can pick up ds, you don't want to see him just now (you can stall for a while)...or he can pick ds up from your mums

if you are in any fear at all you may have to refuse to hand over ds at all and contact the police

don't be fightened, be strong

ring your mum first thing in the morning and get her to come over or you go to her, and the police if he turns up....ring them immediately if he arrives unannounced

he cannot keep you awake...this is mental abuse, it is not reasonable

you should be asleep ahead of a busy day with a young child

go to bed

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 14/03/2011 23:59

You're right Peter
I need to tell my mum in the morning and I'll tell him to pick DS up from there.I thought I could handle seeing him but actually I can't right now.
Im going to try and get some sleep, will post tomorrow

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 15/03/2011 00:02

please do x

I don't think you can handle seeing him either

baby steps ok ?

don't run before you can walk, and all those other cliched but true sayings

listen to your mind (not your heart) it will tell you the right thing to do

and if you are not 100% sure...ask your mum, or ask us

good night x

Mamaz0n · 15/03/2011 00:05

sterling advice from peter.

Best of luck for telling your mum. I promise it will feel so much easier when you have it all out in the open and you can get her support.

nestypirate · 15/03/2011 00:30

Fairy, you are doing brilliantly. Don't worry about telling your mum. I think / bet she already knows deep down and your telling her will just make the jigsaw fit together a bit more clearly.

I was talking to a mum whose daughter had a very unpleasant physical relationship, and she knew, but could do nothing until her daughter finally decided to call it a day. The mum was very relieved for her daughter and of course they had all pretended that life was great when they all knew it wasn't, but nobody could/ would discuss it.

Your mum may be a bit puzzled if she didn't know outright, but she will soon realise that it all adds up and be glad for you and supportive. Sounds like you have support from her.

nestypirate · 15/03/2011 00:32

A bit like when everyone except the excited bride to be knows the marriage is not going to work. No one can say it - they can only be supportive when the inevitable happens. (oh hec - this is getting as vague as the laminate flooring interlude)

mathanxiety · 15/03/2011 04:40

Good job Fairy. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other now.

Tip turn off your phone at 10 ish every night. Don't give him the chance to spoil your night's sleep. He has no business trying to get in touch with you so late he really is just testing you to see if you'll jump when he snaps his fingers. And don't turn it on first thing to check for messages from him either.

He won't like you one bit, or even give the appearance of liking you over the next while and he will try every trick in the book, including using the OW to make you feel either small or flattered, and there will be lots of angry noises and blowing off of steam from him. You don't need his approval or for him to like you or apologise in order to set your own course here.

Think of yourself as someone dealing with a large dog who could turn out to be a huge un-housebroken nuisance to you if left untrained. He needs constant reminders of the fact that your rules are to be followed. (And keep him off your bamboo floors).

merrywidow · 15/03/2011 07:26

The support on here is fantastic, had I known about this site when I went to hell and back with my H it would have really helped.

You will be fine Fairy

I was thinking this morning how well I sleep now my H is not here; its odd but I never really realised I was always in a permanent state of tension.

nbyet · 15/03/2011 08:25

fairy I am so impressed with how strong you're being. Sorry if that sounds patronising. Really glad you have decided not to see him yourself tomorrow for the handover of DS. Keep it up and do keep updating us!

PeterAndreForPM · 15/03/2011 08:27

checking in

newbeemummy · 15/03/2011 08:46

Morning Fairy, reading your posts last night has shown how far you've already come, keep being strong. Your mum will possibly be a bit shocked (if she was completely clueless about what was going on) but remember she's your mum, she loves you as much as you love your DS.

As others have said don't respond to his texts immediately, let him call you names they're just words, and all it will do is reinforce that you've done the right thing by leaving, as he will show his true colours when he gets angry. Set a time in your head for example between 10am and 8pm where you will respond within an hour to his texts, otherwise just ignore them, don't even read them. Your focus has to be on you and your DS.

You are doing amazingly well, keep taking one step at a time and things will get better.

Keep us all updated, and we're all here when you need somewhere to turn. x

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 15/03/2011 08:49

Felt a bit pathetic when I woke up because I didn't want to switch my mobile on for fear of what messages he sent last night. But there's only one message on there saying 'leaving off early. see u at 5 x' What's the kiss all about?

After I've told my mum I'll text back and tell him he can pick DS up from there. Going out about 11. Will post again later

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 15/03/2011 08:50

So he still doesn't get it obviously

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 15/03/2011 08:54

I'm so glad to read your updates on this thread Fairy, I want to shout "YEAH!" Grin. You are doing the right thing, keep strong and tell as many close friends as you can trust about it. They can help you too once they know what's going on.

PeterAndreForPM · 15/03/2011 09:05

No he doesn't get it

But he will get the message that you are not a verbal punchbag

If you had answered last night, he would have given you both barrels. This morning, there will be a small dawning realisation that you are putting a stop to the bullying. You can do it. You did it last night. You have to carry on doing it, as I expect he will keep trying for some time yet.

PeterAndreForPM · 15/03/2011 09:06

Beware the niceness too. He may change complete tack when he realises you are not intimidated by the name calling.