Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

I would expect him to oscillate between wheedling and being aggressive for some time yet. He's not sure how to play things now - he's always been in control and I'm sure thought you were going to come back pretty soon so now he's a bit wrong-footed.

Think you're handling him coming to see your DS exactly right. Hope you got some sleep last night too x

I expect the kiss is supposed to "show" you that he "still cares" - it's meaningless and effortless compared to what he could do if he really cared.

I remember the feeling of being frightened to switch the phone on or check my emails, it's horrible. Remember you don't have to be a slave to his whims any more - if the messages are seriously bothering you, get a new phone for a while - you can get a cheap pay as you go one - and only switch the old one on when you have a friend round. Then you can laugh together at his patheticness rather than being scared or upset (or if you don't feel ready to laugh yet, you could get your friend to read through the messages and just see if there are any you need to see ie relating to DS.) If he gets abusive about you not replying just ignore it or answer with a breezy "Been busy. So are you going to pick DS up at X time?" Once he realises he's getting no response the messages will stop. Toddler tactics, ignore the tantrum, don't take it personally :)

Yes i suspect this is a period of niceness.
He will be sucking up this morning and if you are there at handover he would play the charm offensive.

When he realises you have protected yourself from that he will be surprised.

he will either text you expressing his sadness that you can't look at him, that he has scared you so much you cant even talk to him blah blah blah, Or he will become agressive that you are treating him so badly etc.

either way, just let it wash over you. It is a shame you havn't experienced the toddler stage yet because that is precisely how you deal with it, like a toddler tantrum.
When you view him as such his silly threats and abusive name calling just seem silly. they don't hurt anymore because you know it is just him being angry in a way he has yet to learn how to communicate properly.

But yuo know what? You are already stronger than him. You have already reached a stage where you can see him for what he is.
He no longer has the power, you have.

well done you.

Remember Fairy, men like this are predictable. Expect him to swing from nice to nasty repeatedly for a while. If you know what to expect you are one step ahead.

Think you are doing brilliantly. Thank god for Mumsnet.

Hi Fairy, you're doing so well!

If you can, I think it's worth keeping a record of any abusive texts. You never know, it might be useful if you're talking to a lawyer down the line. Even for yourself, though, it's helpful as you start to see how he cycles through Mr Nice and Mr Nasty. Mr Nice can be the more dangerous one to deal with, because he's the one you want to yield to.

Hoping it went ok with your mum and with the handover today.

Well my mum wasn't as shocked as I thought she'd be, she must have had an inkling of what he was like. She saw how possessive he was and how he used to make excuses for her not to speak to me on the phone or come round. We did both cry though and I had to come home or I wouldn't have stopped.
She was a little bit hurt that it took me so long to tell her but she understood.

I told her I'm going to see the council about housing for me and ds but she said it's not a very good idea to be on my own so soon and asked if I'll move back in with her. I agreed but I'm still going on thursday because chances are it will take ages for them to find us somewhere anyway. By then I might feel strong enough.

Now got to text DH and tell him to pick DS up from my mums and drop him back there. Got a feeling he's not going to be pleasant when I tell him so I'm not looking forward to it.

I do feel a bit of a bitch when I think about it. I know it's his own fault but I can't remember if I told you I basically agreed on friday I would give him another chance but we would just be living apart for a while and I haven't really told him otherwise. Do you think I need to spell it out?

mathanxiety he's not coming to pick DS up until 5.00 because he's working which means he will only have him for a couple of hours.

Sorry, sorry -- a bit behind here...

Well done your mum . Your plan about the council is very smart.

I would be inclined to think he knows deep down that he has blown it. I would say get a few ducks in order wrt somewhere to live, some legal advice, some counselling with Women's Aid to help you feel less like a bitch when you try to communicate how you want things before you tell him. Take a little breather in other words, with some good habits set in place (like only looking at his texts and answering them between certain hours, having someone else hand over the DS for visits, etc) in the meantime. Don't respond to any pressure from him to give a definite reply to any relationship questions. You are allowed to do these things at your own pace, to take the initiative at a time when you are comfortable, and not feel obliged to say something just because he decides he wants some sort of answer -- which he probably knows anyway.

But I wouldn't let the grass grow under your feet. Go to your CAB and try to talk to a solicitor. You can get a free half hour with some. Maybe in a week or so you might feel less stressed and might have a few wheels set in motion?

Really glad about your mother, fairy.

About you being a "bitch" for not telling him you were moving out, your duty now is to act in your own best interests and those of your child. If telling him will leave you open to increased emotional pressure from him, then you need to protect yourself from that. You don't owe him: you owe yourself and your ds.

You could tell him there's no chance of you getting back together, or you could leave it for a bit if he's being relatively settled at the moment. If I were you I would wait until you know you are safe because he probably will kick off - so when you're settled with your mum or have your own place. By the way, if you don't want to tell him your new address, you don't have to, especially if that would help you feel safer.

Definitely go and see the council and ask their advice. When I went the housing officer was lovely, I made her cry :( and my story wasn't that shocking compared to some you hear on mumsnet. I advise that you don't mention your mum has offered you a place to live with her to the council. Or if you do, frame it as that you can stay there for a while, but not permanently. The definitions for 'overcrowding' are really outdated so if you live with your mum you might have trouble moving out again and getting support with that as they might deem you to have made yourself "intentionally homeless". TBH depending on how many housing association properties there are in the area, they may well suggest that you find somewhere to rent privately and claim housing benefit to cover the cost. This might be a good option if you can stay with your mum while you save up the deposit etc. Are you working at the moment?

So glad you've told your mum - must feel like a relief not keeping it a secret from her. I agree re not telling the council that you can stay with your mum as long as you want, emphasise that it's only temporary.

I also agree that you shouldn't tell him you're not coming back until you've got yourself some safe accommodation. If he asks, just say you don't know. Stall him basically.

Yay!

Fairy - thank God for your mum.

Bertie is right re the council, you need to tell them that your mum can only accomodate you for a short while, if at all, and that you have left a very abusive relationship for fear of your own and DS's safety.

Tell them everything and they can help you, you'll be higher on the re housing list. Accept the support that they offer.

You can do this. One day at a time. Just keep going fairy

I second everyone that has said to turn your phone off at 10pm.

You're not a bitch for telling him that. I should imagine that you said that so he'd back off? I know I did. Sometimes it was easier to agree to his terms and conditions than fight.

You are doing so well fairy. I bet you never thought you could do this. Read back over your first few threads and posts.

Not now, but keep them. Your threads.

You won't recognise the person who you were. You are a whole new lady today. And will be tomorrow, and the next day.

Keep going xx

I don?t feel very strong. I?m still wearing my wedding ring fgs!
I completely crumbled today and the only reason I?m not going to be there to hand over DS is because I know my feelings for him are too strong ? I love him. Is it normal for someone to put you through that and your feelings are still the same?
I feel like I?m just going through the motions and doing what I?m supposed to do but it?s not really me doing it.
Does that make sense?

I am on maternity leave and not due back for a while but luckily my mum could help me with a deposit to rent privately if I asked her and then I could get housing benefit. It?s another option I hadn?t thought of anyway thanks. Going to call her in a minute and see how she got on..

You are being strong precisely because you still have feelings for him, and yet are staying away.

Yes it is normal for someone to put you through hell but for you to think you still love them.

But I would dispute that it is love you feel. Perhaps it's more of a need, or an infatuation. I don't mean to belittle how you are feeling, but I do think that when you meet someone who treats you well, you will think to yourself 'now this is love'. Love is not control, fear, jealousy, or abuse. It is warmth, safety, mutual support and respect.

keep going, fairy

stick to your plan, it is a good one, and take the practical advice re. housing on this thread

I presume he has been now to pick up ds

make yourself scarce when he drops him off too

if h asks to see you, tell him you need time to think (whilst furiously getting all your financial and social ducks lined up)

once he has left, turn off your phone, do not speak to him this evening

you are going to have an almighty "crash" in the next day or two, now the wheels are in motion, and you will be very vulnerable to his mealy-mouthed lies and false promises

tell him nothing...give yourself some breathing space

fairy - you can't just switch your feelings off. Well, I know I didn't.

No matter what he did, I said that I still loved him. My sister asked me why I was still with him. I told her I loved him.

But I didn't, I just wanted him to love me so would say I loved him, hoping that if that was enough, it would all go away, he'd be nice to me, stop hurting me etc...

Men like that NEVER change.

I found out once I'd left, a few years down the line that he's moved on to a single mum with disabled children.

He told people that he'd saved her. FFS.

Just keep going fairy, you are going to wobble for a while.

It's normal to still have feelings for him, no matter what you think you should or shouldn't feel.

Lean on your mum, on your friends. Let people know what is going on. It will make it real.

No-one will judge you for saving yourself and your son. I'm sure your mum had an idea too, mine did.

But you had to get to this point for yourself, no matter how hard it was for your mum/friends to watch, YOU had to do this xx

X posted with Peter - yep, the almighty 'crash' will come as well as many wobbles.

Your emotions are going to be all over the place so be gentle with yourself for feeling guilty/scared/shocked/worried/relieved/happy or suddenly bursting into tears.

Just take your time. xx

if you hang on, hoping to "make him love you like you know that he can" then it could normalise all the hurt, the violence, the emotional abuse and all that had gone before could be washed away

couldn't it ?

no

if you stick it out, until it's "normal" again, then your love will be justified, and the time you spent on trying to change him, hoping he would be the nice person that you know is in there somewhere will come back

won't he ?

no

fairy, stay strong

Peter - I could have done with knowing you 7 years ago.

you got there, mousey, just like I did

the hard way

I hope fairy (and others like her) can learn to undo years of societal pressure that men like this just "need loving", need "appeasing and all will be well" but most of all that it is not a woman's role to have to tolerate it, any of it, from subtle putdowns to a punch in the face

for the pedants (and mymblesson ) the same goes for all genders

I suppose, Peter, that the 'hard way' has made me the person that I am today, but for all of the right reasons.

And I'd bet that you feel like that too.

yup

but I would rather have bypassed much of the shit

there is some shit that really has no place in my life, at all

Well done Fairy. Didn't we tell you she may well have had an idea? see, we are like mystic meg arent we.

It is a ok to still love him. You can't just switch your emotions off. It is even better that you acknowledge that and are able to deal with those feelings. Don't try to stifle them, just do your very best not to act upon them.

Your plan for housing sounds very wise. Be warned that the housing people are trained to try and make you go elsewhere. they are likely to advise you to return to your husband
But let them know that you left following an assault. and make sure they are in no way going to return.
they will have to investigate to make sure you really are homeless.
If you could rent privately you will be housed a lot quicker. But obiously if you would not be able to afford that then don't over stretch.

You are doing so very well. It is amazing how quickly we adapt huh?