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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can a marriage ever survive dv ??

515 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 06/03/2011 21:50

Have posted on here before about DH.
We hadn't been together very long before getting married and me falling pregnant and since we had DS I noticed a change in him which I didn't like very much.
He starting becoming aggressive and it escalated within a very short period of time, coming to a head when he punched me when I had our baby son in my arms Sad
This was the first time he had done anything like that and it shocked me to the core.
I moved out of our house the same night and everyone has told me not to look back but I can't help thinking about him all the time.
I know it might sound crazy but he knows that he made a huge mistake and is very remorseful.
He has been to see his GP and been referred for anger management.
He sends me texts telling me he loves me and he hopes that one day I can forgive him and we can be a family again.
I go round there several times a week to take DS and I can feel us getting closer.
I am wondering if a marriage can ever survive something like this?
Can someone really change or am I a complete fool for still believing in him?

OP posts:
fairycakesandsprinkles · 15/03/2011 21:56

No more drama for today thank god.
He picked DS up on time and dropped him off on time. Apparently was very pleasant but didn't say much to my mum at all and I haven't heard a peep from him which makes me a bit Hmm

OP posts:
humptydidit · 15/03/2011 22:06

fairy have you thought about speaking to somebody about benefits etc to check what you would be entitled to? I had no idea and thought I would have to go straight back to work etc and find childcare etc but i was lucky to get income suppport and give myself some breathing space and healing time, think cab might be best place to ask?

PeterAndreForPM · 15/03/2011 22:10

never mind Hmm

he has either

  1. decided you are game-playing so is trying to smoke you out (do not fall for it)

  2. made himself busy shagging his new girlfriend

nothing has changed, carry on with your plans

fairycakesandsprinkles · 15/03/2011 22:22

I'm sure I will find out soon enough one way or another. Just think it's odd because apart from the first week after I moved out, he has been in contact everyday I think.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 15/03/2011 22:30

a change in tactics

designed to wrong foot you

or he quite simply is moving on

like you say, you will find out

just don't go seeking him out

newbeemummy · 16/03/2011 09:21

Morning Fairy, I'm so glad to see that yesterday went well, I can only echo what everyone else has already said.

Of course you can still love him after everything you've been through, if you didn't love him you would have left years ago, love justifies putting up with so much, especially when you're in the situtaion yourself, the saying "not seeing the wood for the trees" is so true when it comes to matters of the heart.

You will have wobbles, there will be days that seem like the darkest days you have ever faced, and if he's anything like my exH he will try every trick in the book to make you feel even worse, but stick with it, be strong (as you have already shown you can be) and I promise it does get better.

Your mum sounds like she's a great source of support for you, use it, and by all means use us on here, so many of us have been through similar things, as you can see, and we're all happy to help and offer what advise we can.

You are an amazing, wonderful person, you'll have days when you don't feel like it, so look back here and remember how much you've been through, how strong you've been and draw on that to push yourself onwards.

NicknameTaken · 16/03/2011 10:10

Sometimes you've got to fake it till you make it - keep doing the actions and wait till your feelings catch up. Keep moving on with the new life even when you all you want is to go back to the old life and this time somehow magically make it work.

Plod on through. Your feelings will catch up with you.

Him not contacting you - I'd put money on it that he's testing to see if you'll chase after him.

Mouseface · 16/03/2011 11:01

Hmm, I'm with you on that Nickname - I bet he's waiting for you to chase him.

The whole 'are you okay H? I haven't heard from you in a while'

Don't go there fairy. You've come too far to let him undo all of your hard work.

And it is hard work..... detatching yourslef from the life that you knew, and even liked most of the time.

Just keep going, keep breathing, keep moving. You are doing so well, even when you think that you can't go on, when you are scared and feel sick.

You ARE doing this and you WILL survive. xx

Mouseface · 16/03/2011 11:06

'you' as in fairy to chase him, not you Nickname Grin

squeakytoy · 16/03/2011 11:12

So pleased to read your updates Fairy. :)

Your mum sounds brilliant, and I think moving back in with her, even if just temporary is the best possible solution. You will feel safe, you can avoid coming face to face with him, and he will know he cant bully you.

You are doing ok, and you will be fine. :)

NicknameTaken · 16/03/2011 11:21

Grin mouse!

HanBanan · 16/03/2011 11:33

No. he will do it again.

And it's not just the physical violence you will have to live with, eventually he won't be saying 'sorry' he'll be laughing in your face and telling you your mental and it's your fault. I can guarantee it. He will strip you down mentally and destroy your life.

Get away, stay away. You need to understand his mind works differently and the tears are crocodile tears designed to get you back and under control.

If he thought like a good man he would never ever ever have punched you in the face. Fact.

TheVisitor · 16/03/2011 11:38

Han, she has got away and she's doing really, really well. x

nbyet · 17/03/2011 08:02

How you getting on fairy?

ChristinedePizan · 17/03/2011 17:07

Hello fairycakes. How are you doing today?

CeliaFate · 17/03/2011 17:32

Hi Fairycakes, can you check in and say you're ok?

shouldnotbehere · 17/03/2011 17:53

My dad punched my mum once. He'd been out with his friends and drank far too much, mum criticised him about something he was particularly sensitve about, and he lost it. It is over 20 years ago now, it was before my younger brother was born and he's 21. They worked through it, and are very happily married today.

I'm not saying you should forgive him, but it does occassionally work.

Dad still has a temper, but it takes a lot to push him. Probably ever couple of years he smashes a glass or bangs a door, to let of steam in an argument.

I'm not saying my mum is in the wrong over this, but she has a habit of not letting things drop, and knows how to push my dad to the limit, when they do occasionally argue. She still brings up the punching incident.

CeliaFate · 17/03/2011 18:01

If it's a one-off and there are extenuating circumstances, some women can forgive and work it through. This situation is totally different. Fairy's dh's behaviour escalated quickly to dv. Before that there were several worrying incidents.

shouldnotbehere · 17/03/2011 18:01

I would like to add that my Dad loves my mum and his family, and would never have an affair. He is supportive of my mum - not emotionally abusive.

He is sensitive about certain subjects, and has a temper when pushed.

It was just the one incident.

squeakytoy · 17/03/2011 18:12

I'm not saying you should forgive him, but it does occassionally work

A one off, with instant and genuine apology for it, and when it is completely heat of the moment, and out of character, can be worked on, I agree. But unless you skipped a lot of this thread, there is a lot more to it sadly :(

PeterAndreForPM · 17/03/2011 18:16

shouldnotbehere

your post should not be here, I agree, not on this thread

have you not read it all ?

do you realise that your story reads like you think your mum "asked for it" ? Hmm

Mouseface · 17/03/2011 18:24

Here here Peter - I agree, not a story for this thread. Sad

fairycakesandsprinkles · 17/03/2011 21:12

Not a lot to report on really.
I have filled in the application for the council waiting list and they will write to let me know what band I am in. Likely to be the second highest priority but it could still take months to find me anywhere so may start looking at private houses next week.

I've been a bit down today and yesterday - I think it is now becoming real. DH is having DS tomorrow night and my friends are making me go out to try and cheer me up. It will be the first time I have been out since I had DS and the first night I haven't had him Sad but I'm glad his dad wants to spend time with him.

We spoke on the phone today but it was only about DS and he seemed quite distant. I suppose you would say that's a good thing but I feel so lonely without him.

OP posts:
nestypirate · 17/03/2011 21:19

Fairy, it is very hard and I can imagine that you'llfeel very sad. Maybe you could sleep at your friend's place for the night so if you do feel a bit down there will be someone to talk to, and you won't be alone thinking about things.

merrywidow · 17/03/2011 21:20

When things were really bad with my H, I used to repeat to myself over and over; nothing stays the same for ever.

You will not feel like this forever.

Its going to be short term pain for long term gain