Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Yes, Dee, take what you can - possession is nine tenets of the law. As others have said, you are operating on the assumption that he is on a the same wavelength as you - a reasonable person. If he ever was, he's certainly not now. Although you might not feel strong enough you are going to HAVE to help yourself, and by association your ds, because your delightful ex is certainly not going to. That's a given. Dolly's earlier post about the ex using the psychology of 'if you give in to me on this point we might get back together' so struck a chord with me. It's such a head fuck I know - and its worth repeating what you and others said upthread about the person who once had your back not only no longer does, but is in fact now your enemy, and it's personal.

Can I share a quote with you ladies? I've had ashit few weeks and i really feel like giving up (I am not in anyway over my ex which is hard enough without him being a complete cunt towards me). His cuntery is just so relentless and I feel utterly utterly beat, really, on the edge of the abyss. Since ex and I split in June ive taken up rowing (to distract myself). I came across the most wonderful rowing quote last night that seemed so apt to my current situation:

"The rower needs to know technique and has to be in shape. He won't go wrong by using strategy. Yet what it takes to win races is the ability to reach inside and pull out something to keep you going no, to go faster when you have nothing left to give. There's a word for what that takes and the word is not magic, the word is guts." -- Barry Strauss from Rowing Against the Current

I think that's what we're all having to do at the moment isn't it - reach inside even though it's empty and find something not only to just keep going, but to
increase the pace.

I usually just lurk, but wanted to comment on who gets what re household goods.

I'm in Scotland, so may be different, but my lawyer was clear that XH couldn't reasonably take what was needed for DCS. Not just their furniture but chairs/tables/washing machine/tv/dvd etc, anything in fact that they were likely to use!

It is worth clarifying this, as it all adds up financially plus it might help challenge his staggering sense of entitlement!

FWIW, a much older friend of my mum/myself left his wife after 40 or so years of marriage. No OW, other difficulties I can't disclose. He took not one thing from the house, left her it all, on the basis that it was his (reluctant) decision to go.

Sorry I've not posted - huge PC problems. I'll post later but in the meantime, you are so nearly there Dee. Hang on in there and you will soon be free of this excuse for a human being.

The advice from others about goods in the home is excellent and don't for a moment feel sorry for him.

I read briefly about your Christmas experience at his parents. It kind of says it all. He's small minded and unfortunately sounds terminally... dull. If he was leading this great life and truly happy, he wouldn't give a fig about furniture etc. I think he has the imagination of a flea and you are well rid of him. You run rings round him and I think he knows it - he hasn't worked out what he has thrown away.

You need to perfect the look of DILATIGAF... Do I look as though I give a fuck?. Keep giving him that message and it will soon get through.

See you later. x

I would take everything Dee.Re keys u don't have to explain anything to him.When I was going thru all the abusive voicemail nonsense with my X in the summer a friend made a good point to me,he had to learn I am nothing to him now ,no connection,he chose this,he walked ,he has no right to talk to a stranger in the street like that and he has no right to talk to me in anyway that is unacceptable.You owe him nothing .Cry when you have to,the life u had with him is over ,house move moved me further out of denial but the immense disbelief of what our lives had become still rocked me to my core.But just another tick in the taskbook of life and when your done and you close the door of your new home you can say I bloody did it how fecking good am I !look after yourself Dee ur a star xxx

I'd stop contacting him were I you, its a great ego trip to have women being needy around you.

I left my ex under fairer circumstances and when she decided she wanted me back, the ensuing messages were a great ego boost. Sorry if that upsets anyone but I'm trying to offer perspective.

I got over my ex very quickly,2 or 3 months later I was all ok, it's not the same for everyone though :D

I think these men use any remaining emotions we have for them til we stop loving them.At the end of the day we loved and trusted them completely,rightly or wrongly.Everyday that love lessens and eventually fades.My head knew the truth but my heart took 18mths to catch up ,but then he lied and lied and lied.They don't like it when they lose control ,these men like being in control.That's why they try and manipulate and keep u hooked in just enough to still get their own way.If you made a clean break with no fucking about ur to be commended ,the ones that draw it out and manipulate a woman that is emotionally vulnerable are the real bastards.

I agree with that patience - my ex killed any love I had for him stone dead.

Trust is an essential part of love - without it you can't love. So, what do we do about a legacy like this, that our love and trust have been crushed? it is bad enough that it happened in the first place but it can stretch to the future, blighting any future relationships, any future opportunities to be loved (and love back).

I suppose I believe that, in my situation, I had already been abused (by my father) re I had the template in place. I didn't accept my dad's abuse either at the time, kicked very hard against it, but primary abuse leaves a mark - complete tragedy that I went on to invite exactly the same abuse in my adult relationships. Hence, buckets of therapy. You've got to unpick it I think, which is the long way round but imo there is no other way to erase that template, to wave off that shit. You've got to re-write that deeply buried script, erase the shit script and write a healthy script. It was in therapy that I saw, with unbearable clarity, that my husband had 'trouble' written all over him. (he was charm itself mind so I wasn't the only one to be taken in attempts to cover for self )

Agree completely and yes the more awareness you have through counseling and reading the better ur radar for noticing dysfunction and swerving people that aren't good for you to be around ,I had huge problems with co dependency.Working on that helped me see how easy it was for me to stay in a bad relationship too long.

Dee just to say i watched Star Wars at the weekend and it turns out that the last 2yrs of my life were just basic Jedi training .Our exes went over to the dark side but we will not follow them as anger leads to hate and aggression,we keep our minds focussed and stay in the moment (in the words of Yoda)
We will prevail.
May the force be with you my fellow Jedis xxxxx

Moving day today - well, actually, I am sitting in a near empty house now as removal van is at new place with my mum (hopefully - sucessfully) directing relocation of a million cardboard boxes....

Lots of emotions and incidents - will mull over these later. At times I feel elated and then I feel such sadness and anger that I feel like I could just punch ex (I wont though). I am angry that he is blithely going about his merry way, spooning out the odd, 'so sorry' and 'wish I could go back in time' crap (latest last night was how he has thought over and over that he is making a mistake 'dee34, you dont know how many times I have thought that I am making a mistake' in response to my query (I should quit wondering why the hell, but sometimes it just creeps up on me.....) as to why he was and is being a shit to me and why he didn't have enough respect for me to leave with all our dignities intact - that is what will forever bug me, regardless of any answer he or anyone else gives......the sheer fuckery that he met this woman in Oct and after a kiss and a cuddle at the end of his trip, elevated her in his list of feelings and priorities - esp over DS - and all for a virtual relationship that wasn't properly physical until early Dec....and then the humilation of walking around with all and sundry knowing that he left us for someone he had been with for a handful of nights and who lived on the other side of the world!! Utter, utter, madness....and if he contacts me again today, I dont think I can contol myself......

Anyway, must dash - trip to the dump and then back to new house to deliver the kettle....

Will try and log back on soon....

Sending u strength x

Wow congratulations Dee! Don't let him ruin this new start for you.

Does he need to contact you for anything else today? Don't bother reading his text if he doesn't or answering the phone to him.

In fact get a new (cheapy) SIM card tell him that is your new number and only put it in when he or you need to contact each other re your son.

Then you can not check it for a day if you don't need etc.........

I hope everything went off well yesterday Dee, and that you and DS had a great first night in your new place. Congratulations on getting over this big hurdle. Wishing you and DS happiness and peace in your new home XXX

Thanks for the lovely messages - a nice boost and reminder for when those low moments winded me yesterday.

House move went well - moved yesterday (was supposed to be today, but took the advice on here to move out a day before ex moves his stuff. He was originally suppose to be moving his stuff today, but he now has a meeting in London ? convenient having all these London meetings I would imagine ? so he is now moving his stuff tomorrow). Definitely good advice as it would not have been good to have bumped into him yesterday. I did see him on a roundabout as I was driving between the houses ? he waved and I just could not bring myself to do the same, which has been pretty much standard whenever I have seen him (have always thought it would be super weird to wave at him once when he is alone and then what would happen if ng was in the car with him one days when our cars passed each other?.? Besides, it?s a bit too soon for being friendly, friendly (esp when DS isn?t there/cant see the missed interaction etc).

DS seems to have adapted well, which has been fantastic and set my mind at rest (a lot). Am sure there will be times when he asks about ?our house?, but I guess at the moment it?s all a bit of an adventure. I even managed to get a freeview box up and running last night, so he had his usual Cbebbies in the morning!

Dolly - would defo be up for meeting up at Xmas. I am in the East of England but could do a night somewhere (not too far to get into London)?

Xales - yes, been meaning to do that sim thing for a while but got distracted with the sudden mad rush on the house move. Need to go and get a mobile BB dongle thing at lunchtime as no phone line until week after next ? again, due to sudden rush to move ? great that the move has happened so quickly, but I do feel a bit out of sorts in terms of things that still need to be done or should have been done !! I did get another email yesterday ? I had to forward him some info about the fridge in old house which is now not working and how buyers want us to pay for it to be fixed. All very blah, blah. He replies but his last para was a bit disturbing ? won?t repeat the whole thing here but it was all about how he was ?feeling very down again? in context of what has happened/is happening. I actually felt very strange when reading it ? very uncomfortable as is ?I am not sure I want to be reading/hearing this?, which of course then made me feel a bit guilty(blimmin catholic high school education has this ingrained in me now) in terms of him still being DS? dad at the end of the day. I think that he is maybe starting to realize the true extent of his dramatic choice, but this could very much be about how he is feeling and his current lot, as opposed to feeling greatly about what his choices have meant for DS and I. But??..I think with the house move, I really feel that I don?t want to have to deal with that side of things anymore (so no reply sent back from me).

Patience - how are things? Yes, definitely feel like I have been training for something with all that has gone on! I also agree with what you and Springy have said about counseling and self-reading as part of the journey towards re-building. I am (hopefully!) working on the replacement of anger??but can see that this is a fraught time at the moment?..

McNaughty - ah a look! Yes, will try that. Usual mode of operation is to just stare blankly or ignore what he has said or change the subject??..And, yep, thank goodness I don?t have to spend another Xmas there (will have to deal with DS not being here every other year though), but, its remembering points like this that make me think that actually, I am better rid. Ex never queried anything his Dad said and of course there is the huge, glaring fact that his Dad knew about his affair, encouraged ex to go off and be happy and who has now admitted that he didn?t like me! Something I sensed a long, long time ago at the outset of relationship and whenever I would raise this, ex would just poo-poo it away, with ?oh my parents love you?. Not once did he try and work out what the problem was/is and so I still don?t have a clue.??.definitely need to avoid men with communication issues in the future?.

Wellthatsdoneit - sorry that your ex is being such an idiot. Rowing sounds great ? need to get myself back out running again. Love the rowing quote ? especially as this path that we are on can seem so relentless I guess and then suddenly we are there. We can wake up and go about our day and life without interference from annoying or useless ex?s or to even give them any thought of mind?.

Right must dash ? got to sneakily use ?tinteret as no service at home (new house) until I can get a dongle think??may be a bit silent unless I have patience to tap out info on mobile phone?.. .

Dee Darling

So glad the move went well and that you even managed to figure out the TV - I am rubbish at that type of thing so will have to take a leaf out of your book (tire blew out on car the other day in the rain with DS and had to flag down tradie who was super obliging even though 6pm raining/turned out he lived locally so took him thankyou and bottle of wine!). Darling, I don't envy you having to deal with your ex's comments about questioning his decision. Irrespective of whether or not they are true/genuine it is massively disrespectful of your feelings to voice them outloud to you and no matter how well you may be doing at distancing it must be very confusing for you - not sure what he is seeking to gain from it unless he is so deluded that he is using you as a kind of fucking therapist. Selfish in the extreme but then I guess he has already shown that. Hard though as feelings are so complex (honestly I still believe I would have ex back if push came to shove - maybe easy to say as it would never in a million years happen so is a 'safe' thought - reality is it would be nigh on impossible probably to get over his behaviours) so good luck with all that my dear and hope that you continue to feel the excitement at your new home and that DS continues to be settled.

So. Rock bottom here (god I hope - keep thinking I am and then plunge some more). Ex came around on Friday morning to do some gardening (second time since he left) as house inspections. Kept out of his way. He was late so had to cancel beauty appointment (had wedding in pm). An hour in when he had finished mowing so could hear DS (cleaners were here for said house inspections) said will leave you to it - thanks. Descent into horrid awful awful mental fight (DS inside/couldn't hear as playing with cleaners daughter and big house so at least oblivious) - started him saying I should be staying to help but am burying head in sand re house sale (not true) - from there to shouting about advertised price of house, me, our son, everything - both as bad as each other to be fair - him saying that I am pathetic that I am not moving on (literally can't till house sells) he is divorcing me that tells me he has moved on, he is with OW now, 'everyone' thinks I am self absorbed/obsessed/awful as I am still moping around, get over the fact I have to stay in Australia, our marriage was always awful how could I say that we were happy when I threatened to leave him twice (eer yes when I suspected he was having an affair with aforementioned OW) blah blah. Me being shrill and awful too. Him saying go on hit me, hit me in my face, I know you want to...me grabbing his t-shirt telling him to leave house, him twisting arm, pushing me, him actually - I shit you not -FROTHING at the mouth like a frickin' lunatic. Anyway. That bought me to my senses we both calmed down - I was late for wedding (did actually have a nice time miraculously and have to say ladies looked pretty foxy for an old bird - found two obliging gay men to nana dance with and didn't talk about ex at all - obv wouldn't have done anyway at a wedding!!) but really actually awful and made me realise that I dont' want to be that kind of a person. Seriously, put us on a Jeremy Kyle show and aside from the home counties accents we would have been fabulous ratings. God trying to laugh but it was just so so so so awful and I've said it before but I guess the realisation that I have no idea who he is anymore and I am certainly nothing to him. Oh well. Off on hols tomorrow ('the fact you are going on holiday when you should be focusing on future and not spending money shows we have and always will have different values - err coming from person who renting 3.5K pounds penthouse on beach when he left, took is OW on a three week tropical holiday and is stiffing us financially when my holiday is free accomodation from a kind friend and cheap flights) to live through the divorce (Tuesday) and learning to breathe again. I will keep the rowing quote in mind - thanks Well - a great quote to take away with me.

Hope you all have a good week ladies - lets plan for meet up when I return (hurrah!) xxxx

Dolly I'm so sorry for your awful day (apart from the wedding). I think you need to make sure you are out if you ex comes around. Just keep away from him.
Enjoy your holiday, and don't let him spoil it.

He obviously has zero respect for your as a separate human being, and really wants you just to be some kind of servant who deals with stuff.
I really hope you get rid of that house soon and can move on. Do celebrate the divorce, if he can act as he is now he really wasn't the person you thought you were married to.

I keep thinking about patience's idea that they have gone over to the dark side. It just fits perfectly - these men have literally become different people, gone over to the dark side.

Dolly my darling girl I am so sorry you had such an awful time. I have done similar I'm afraid and no it doesn't make you feel very proud of yourself. I may not be helping things here but it helped me to actually say (spit) my piece. I agree with mummy though that it is better you aren't there when he comes round - pay for a gardener so he doesn't come round at all. or leave the back gate unlocked and keep the house locked - leave him a glass of water so the poor love doesn't become dehydrated and die on your lawn (wouldn't that be a shame) - and go out.

Glad to hear you had a fab time at the wedding though. I hope you get to sell that house and I am definitely on for meeting up when you get to blighty. I haven't lost any weight yet but I have got some fab new boots

Keep going darling, this too shall pass. It really does - the shittiest times pass in the end

God, Dolly, that sounds awful. I'm so sorry, it must have been very traumatic and left you badly shaken.

As others have said, there is nothing left of the man you married. He's long gone. OW is welcome to him. You had the best of him and he's not worth much to anyone now. You know he'll do the same to her (or she to him).

Someone told me once that a British naval tactic is to expose yourself to enemy fire as little as possible. You need to employ that now.

Enjoy your holiday - take the time out to rest and recover and pamper yourself. It WILL pass, you know it will, time marches on whatever the circumstances.

Dolly ? so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can only echo what everyone else has said and keep away from him, esp if it?s turning physical. You need to protect yourself and your DS (esp be wary of him goading you to react and the whole ?go on hit me? thing. I had the same and I had to literally ball my fists up and will then down to not oblige. Only thing that stopped me was that ex is petty enough to turn it around on me and claim that it would be a risk to DS or something ? something I would never have thought him capable of before all this happened). I did both the suggestions Springy mentioned. Initially I asked ex to come round and do the garden and would not let him in the house or even give him a glass of water (he didn?t ask though) and then in latter months when I got a bit more sussed, I paid for a gardener and drew money from the joint account to pay him.

With the divorce finalizing tomorrow, I know that this will be a hard time for you, but keep thinking of the positives (even the small things) and this is yet another step on your journey towards a more fulfilling chapter of your life in terms of personal relationships. Keep going girl ? you are doing fantastic, esp with your circumstances. I am willing for your house to sell and for you to get to move back to the UK permanently?.Have a fab break and hopefully don?t give the idiot a moment?s thought whilst you are away?.

Here, I am settling in a bit more. Had my first night alone in new house with DS and we (or rather, I) survived! DS loves the new house to the point where when I had to back and get some bits and bobs he was ?no, don?t want old house, want new house?, so I am very thankful that the old adage ?home is where the heart is? appears to be true (though possibly aided by the large corridor he can career down at speed ).

On the ex front?..things are going slightly crazy. Following the whole regret type talk last week, on Sun he came round to pick up DS and had a sneer or two for me, admittedly prompted by me??he came round to new house and as he took DS out, our new neighbours came over to introduce themselves. I was already outside as was heading back to old house and was of course upset and fuming (inside of course) that ex walked up to man as he approached us. Fair enough, wasn?t neighbours fault and probably not ex?s to an extent, but I just thought ? WTF, I have moved away from old housing estate to get away from this man, so I don?t want him being friendly and pally with the neighbours, but possibly unavoidable to a point??humpf!

Sunday evening he dropped DS back (he is off to Milan today, back late tomorrow, then off again somewhere on Thursday, back on Friday, then off again to San Fran on Sunday, back on Wednesday, then off somewhere on Friday!! Allegedly all business trips ? I only queried in case he was talking the pee in terms of his access with DS and fitting him in around holidays/personal stuff). He was crying - said that as he was walking round all house he was crying (he was doing a final check there) and said he was sorry again. So, I am veering between on the one hand thinking ?hmmmm ? so maybe the dazzling life you left us for wasn?t such the crack you thought it was. Oh well. Tough? to ?what a fucking waste then? to just sheer disbelief. I am trying to shield myself from him and this mourning he seems to be going through now (should I be a cow and tell him he should hurry up and work his way through his loss like he did to me back in May/June when he was still living on the fumes on the high of new girlfriend coming here, before reality set in?!). I don?t think that they spend much time together from what I can gather with his lads weekends away, her in London, his nights out, her at the gym (bloody hell!) and him now out for all these trips?..and yet he thinks it is perfectly sane and reasonable to get married to someone he has only lived with for three months and now buy a house with him on the basis of 50/50 as joint owners when he has a huge deposit to throw at it and earns 3 times her salary??!! Sorry for the rant, but I am fuming?.it?s like he has no one else to pour all this out to, so I get lumbered with it. He cant tell his mates or family that he has regrets and sure as hell won?t tell ng??so I get it. I am also triggering as I remember little things like how I was given 30mins in the morning to get ready when I had DS (so ex would look after DS then) and if I dared to take 35mins he would be on my case telling me to hurry up and now he can get up at all hours and spend who knows how long taking his ng back and forth to the train station, twice a day. And then he ferries them around for shopping and for the gym?.and yet, he never once offered to do bedtime with DS so I could go out to an exercise class, so I had to look for classes starting at 8pm or later so DS would be in bed and of course would be too tired or would be too late if it took a bit longer to get DS off to bed. And the superficial things, like how I would spend evenings and countless days and nights here alone with DS whilst ex went off on his endless business trips and yet all he wanted to give me was a duff TV and the main bedset (nicer than the spare one, admittedly) ? which I got by default as he was in the spare bedroom by the time he left??Sorry, rant over. Am just peed off with the whole situation ? esp as this was all his choosing from day 1 (he wanted to put the house on the market the same day he came back from his NYE trip?.again, such crazy nonsense, he must have been high on the fumes of ng knickers??esp as it has just dawned on me that at the time, he didn?t give a toss about DS and I or even attempt to figure out what would be the best situation for us ? god, its crap when those moments just dawn on you?. .

Today I had a missed call from him ? asked him what he wanted (via text) as was guessing he wanted to know about the house (completion is today), but no news yet. Instead I get ?Sorry, was just wondering how you are??..Lord.

But, will try and keep smiling and aiming for the better place that is down the path (I hope) with the new house.

Take care Dolly,
Dx

bastard, bastard, fucking BASTARD. bastard, bastard, bastard. BASTARD.

What's with the texting him when you got a missed call Dee? Is his vile softening up working?? Dear God, dear Lord in Heaven - please do not be taken in by this shit. PLEASE.

imo he is softening you up to see if he still has a way back. I don't think he necessarily wants to take it, just to see if it's possible, if the ol' girl is still on the back burner.

As for pissing on your patch, buddying up to your neighbours - he literally turns my stomach. My ex did all this shit. It is a way of undermining you, violating your boundaries - literally.

I'm not a hater, rarely hate people, but I can honestly say I hate him as this is the lowest of the low. Please don't be taken in.

hi springy - text was only due to fact that we were completing on the house yesterday and was worried that solicitors or estate agents had contacted him on something (has happened in the past).* hence my query as to what he was texting me about - did not expect the response he gave at all and was slightly un-nerved by it, but I do have my 'see through the shit' goggles on. I also dont think he wants to take any route back as he knows what my response would be on this and besides, he has gone too far down his new path to back out now.

will be off to tescos to see about PAYG sims this afternoon as cant be doing with this for the next who knows how long. i think him voicing these regrets now is actually making me very angry (cue mini-rant yesterday) and dragging me back a bit into the whole mess of questioning 'why?' and 'what the heck is going on?'.

• having a sligt nightmare with this! house has completed and new owners in the old house, but money is still sitting in the ether somewhere. useless solicitors. i have had to phone up again and was told money not gone through as they dont know the bank account and some rubbish about how the bank wouldn't give them the details....nonsense of course, but I have spent the bulk of the morning on the phone (not same firm as my family lawyer one and was recommended by the estate agents....never again!).

** ps: post was written yesterday, but I only posted it today as no internet at home.....so house completed yesterday, money still awol today if that makes sense.....

Where is the money going when it does come through? Which account? This is making me nervous tbh. Are your lawyers onto it?

Dee just remember his tears are for himself not for u and not for ds ,if he was a decent bloke he wouldn't have treated u like this.Have u read this thread from the start recently?You won't have much to discuss after house move ,u don't have to let him thru the door of ur new home ,u can always be in a hurry at handovers. The more u disconnect from him the more he will feel he is losing control of you.He will try and manipulate u then get angry with ur disinterest.Neighbours will laugh at his arrogance when they know the truth .What a self obsessed idiot xxxxxxx

Hi Dee,

I hope the money was not "lost" in his bank account!

/spanks

Detach detach detach.

It is not about you and regrets for the end of your relationship. It is to keep you hanging on to hope that he may change his mind again. Never forget he is the important one and you have to be wanting and missing him!!!

You have moved out, are even further separated from him and your old relationship. He has to reel you back in a little bit, make you think things are not all hunky dory and happy with his new partner and there maybe just a slim teeny tiny chance that it is you he really wants and deep down he does regret it.

If things were not good with his new partner he wouldn't stay there. He didn't think twice about ditching you, he has even less connection and reason to stay with her (apart from saving face).

Wait a few days for the bitchy comments/texts.

Stay strong!