Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Google emotional vampires aswell DEE,these are people that spot a vulnerable person but one full of POSITIVITY ,they suck the life out of you,by dumping all their crap onto u , leaving you with all their NEGATIVITY.Meanwhile they skip off whistlin dixie with not a care in the world HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY and we are like WTF happened there,I was doin alright till i spoke to them now i feel all DOOM !!!!!You just raise ur assertiveness and suddenly u have a laser beam of self esteem that no fecker dare cross,u give out a vibe that makes these people swerve u and pick on someone else.Of course he doesnt want to discuss RL with GF,easier to still have you to chat to if he needs to .Dont let him manipulate visits inside ur house with DS ,u wont get rid !!!Mine used to pull out jigsaws sit for an hour ,eh NO you chose to leave ,go and do jigsaws in ur own house .Overstepped the mark continuously and would always say But the kids want me to stay.Course they do you twat ,its called love.But not it my interest so now he doesnt get past the door.Having said that i ent seen him since july .Sad for the kids but i dont care .I did care ,I cared loads ,I dont anymore but its 2yrs down the road for me Dee and I suit myself now and everyone else just has to get on with it .Only way i could have survived it tbh and the best lesson I learned out of this was believing my own self worth.

I don't believe this blip is because you left the house. I believe it is because you were taking a huge step off his radar and he reeled you in just to be sure he could. It was a grotesque thing for him to do and you are imo feeling the effects of it now. he pulled the rug from under your feet. Read back to how you were leading up to your move - you were in a good place, resolute, strong, even peaceful. If you feel like a shell now it's because, as patience says, he sucked the joy and peace out of you.

You are so right that he is brewing something, the niceness is the giveaway. They often do things that don't even make any sense which adds to the immense confusion.

I do so hope you are carving out rigid contact times with your solicitor - please, get a court order to enforce it. He will not be able to muck about with a court order. it is not an aggressive thing to do btw. YOu have to protect yourself from his constant manipulations.

Hope you're enjoying the mags. Sleep well sweetie xxxx

Hi Darling Dee

Gosh you've had a bit of a week haven't you - am fervently hoping that it ends up a little calmer and that you are in a better place. Sweetie, I want to give you a massive hug, a killer caprioska and an armful of trashy mags as I so understand how you have been feeling and the sweeping emotions - I could have written some of your posts myself.

I think that with the move - although of course a positive thing - it is of course a definitive change, the closing of one chapter which whilst it has enormous positive possibilities it also closes the door more finally than before on the life that you thought you would have and that you, at the time, wanted to keep. Not to mention the actual logistical stress of moving ontop of the usual stresses of a single working parent dealing with a break-up. Please do understand that you have done amazingly well and a blip here and there is only to be expected. You ex's behaviour is also very selfish and very self centred and shows that he only thinks of you in the context of him and not in your own right IYSWIM. I am fuming for you on the email about the call. I would have felt like reaching down the phone and ripping his fucking throat out. Part of the issue (and I have this with mine) is that they have no clue whatsoever about being a single parent and the demands that has as they only have to do one thing when they have their children and - in my case anyway - are usually out with friends/family/OW and so never really get what it is to do it all on their own. Why should they when if nothing else they chose extraordinarily competent strong woman as the mother of their children before moving onto newer shiny things. But you know newer shiny things tarnish in time and once things settle down they will - if they are together - face the same challenges of any long term relationship. All of the other advice on here is excellent as usual so I won't add to it (will just try and heed it). Patience's comments about negative communication with her ex being better than no communication when she was in the thick of it also very much resonated with me. I recognise that with me (not recently) and will be very mindful of it.

So. Been a bit quiet as catching up from hols and not in a brilliant place. Not awful, just not as good as I wish. DS having a few issues re ex not being with us - I think meeting the OW and our holiday where all other kids had a dad there - took its toll. I had texted ex a few times about a few specific things on holiday but he dismissed them. Left it, then as DS has been having nightmares and one of his kindy teachers asked me if anything had changed/happened as DS as quite prone to tears/anger much more than usual I emailed ex TOTALLY dispassionately and said DS is having nightmares, this is what happens, this is how I deal with it and DS has had these types of behaviours, this is what happens, this is how I deal with it, let me know if you want to discuss or try a different approach but otherwise be great if you could do similar.

Inevitably (as has been the case in every interaction over impact on DS) he replied saying 'feedback i get is contrary to this...err he had not seen him for 2 weeks at this point and the other kindy he picks up from was on holiday for the previous 2 weeks so its a month later)...but very weirdly got totally fixated on a throw away line I had written in relation to nightmares. I had said 'DS asks me what I would do if there were bad people/shark/dinosaur in the house' and I say 'xyz to him...blah blah...' He emailed and said what did he mean by bad people in the house?. Then again after I responded he emailed to say that he was very concerned that I had not raised these issues before (errr yes I have and its all documented and provable) and he was PARTICULARLY concerned as to why he would think there were bad people in the house and who had been to the house and had I had a man in the house etc etc etc....Brownie points as I just ignored him having answered his point on it once but I found it almost breathtaking in his hypocracy and just general missing the fucking point once again. Anyway, have an number for a family counselling service so will go along and try and pick up some tips - will pass along if its good!!

Anyway onwards and upwards...off to the circus tonight with DS which will either be fabulous or a nightmare as will be a late night after a busy week - also ended things with the property developer/ballet dancer as decided on holiday that it was pointless to see someone that I didn't really fundamentally like on many levels (dya think??)....tried to do tactfully but he was a bit thickskinned so had to spell it out but he took it well so no drama there thankfully....hopefully somone diverting will come along soon...until then its me and my trashy mags too!

Lots of love
Dolly xxxx

I think I gave my X too much credit at the start ie thought he was actually interested in his kids emotional wellbeing ,turned out he can quite easily detatch from that too.Now I parent as I see fit .

Have u started the book yet Doll ,ru all having a meet up?

I agree with patience. I wouldn't be sharing parenting details with him iiwy Dolly.

What he has to say is bizarre to say the least - incomprehensible. My ex wanted me in a nun's cell, didn't want me to have a life (like a dog in a kennel, only allowed out when master says so). My kids wanted to buy me a mobile - back in the day when mobiles were a New Thing (yes! I go back that far!) and ex insisted they buy me the crappiest Dom Jolly brick of a thing, when they wanted to get me something nice, funky, bells-and-whistles. He was also incensed that I took them on an expensive holiday - that was his remit, I was only supposed to be able to afford to take them camping in the local park being as he fought tooth and nail in the courts to make sure I didn't have a penny to my name

I hope you're coming to the meet up patience! yes?

I think I gave my X too much credit at the start ie thought he was actually interested in his kids emotional wellbeing ,turned out he can quite easily detatch from that too.Now I parent as I see fit .

very true Patience - I did the same, very hard for the dcs :(

So, today is the day that ex first met then OW, now girlfriend/partner.....DS and I rang in the 'occasion' by having some friends round for an afternoon tea party. It was a coincidence as opposed to arranging something for the day iyswim! Had to stay in all afternoon for a Sky appointment, so thought it would be good to invite some friends round to see the house! We had a lovely afternoon .

Been trying to keep up the whole distance and try and regain the level footing I had before ex burrowed his way in in the last two weeks. Keep repeating the mantra of 'its none of my business' etc. I have also been starting to think that actually, as everyone has been telling me, I have had a lucky escape! Ex is no prize catch (esp now) and the only thing he has going for him is his large salary and I am not that shallow to mourn that as a serious loss. Funnily enough, I told a few RL friends about ex and the whole regrets/crying/OTT emotional behaviour and him being excessively nice and they have all asked me at some point, would you take him back. Answer is most definitely no - not even if you paid me a million pounds (I personally think the niceness and stuff is for another reason like a negotiating tool for xmas or his parents visit and not him priming the way for a request to come back, but just made me think that, in terms of the relationship we had, it was not all sparkly and gleaming (or new), but was not as bad as he made it out to be, but I could never, ever go back to that. I feel like I am working on a new me now and full of hope that in x years time I will be one of those people saying that I am so thankful that ex left as have a much, much better life now). I am back to being in a hurry in terms of handover on the doorstep, very much as if I have somewhere else I would rather be or something else to do (and I DO still have a lot of boxes to unpack..... ).

springy - yes, I was in a total different space before the move and was so much more up. I think I still am (well, okay at work and in social life), but ex did get into my head a bit and I went from not caring what he did or with whom (much) to suddenly having to hear warts and all about his emotional turmoil (which, as said, he does a good job of hiding to everyone else). This in turn bought up all the old thoughts like 'how could he have done this to me/us?' 'all this for someone he barely knew?', 'what did I do/didn't do?'...all questions that I have pretty much worked through and got to a good point with until the crocodile tears (agree on this well - crying on the doorstep of my new house one night and then the next day he is off wherever and being demanding, ignorant and again treating me like some second-class citizen-slash-free-counsellor). I am striving (or should that be striding) back to the Dee34 who would receive an email or text from the ex saying 'hi, how is DS today? I miss him' or a photo from ex when I have asked him to stop and I could just toss my phone aside or delete the message and not respond in any way until he finally got the message that he was no longer in control of me and my responses to him (ohhh, lightbulb moment!).

dolly - as always, hugs to you. What you have written - I have had the same conversations (email/text etc) with ex in the past and gotten the same response. It is especially galling to contact them with an issue about the DCs and not get a response or get a delayed response, so best not to, for now, in my opinion. Now, I just dont bother unless its essential, as springy also advises (and esp dont do it when you are on holiday - understand your concern for you and DS, but I wouldn't contact him as it may be an opening for ruining your holiday! Ditto for if we are on a day out etc). I make a note of anything essential I need to tell ex in a notebook and then try and remember to tell him when I see him (or even better, I could leave the notebook in DS nursery bag, but that would rely on ex reading it and filling it in also). I also get the 'well, I feel differently/contrary etc' and also the 'I am very concerned' or 'I am very worried' vibe - last time I got this was when he was sniffing around to see if I had the door unlocked in the early morning for any particular reason (i.e. did I have a bloke there). Now, I just ignore him. I think its just a control thing at the end of the day, as springy has said - how dare you have a life, or if you have a life, I have a right to know about it. I agree with patience about ability to detach. My ex can come round to drop off DS and carry on like he is choking back tears and then swan off to wherever or forget to call on the days he can call - with him it is extremes. He is either all over DS or not overly bothered (because he has other plans), though this then triggers a period of excessive behaviour....so, yes, up to us to set the playing field I think and lay out expectations.

patience - thanks again! Great pep talk and will google emotional vampires. Yes, I felt so drained....I still do. No way is he coming in the house!! Even if it something I have to explain to DS over and over again.

Mcnaughty - hi there! Yep, its all a bit of a soap opera and one that I dont want to be part of, so need to step up the distancing big-time now and getting more strict as advised by all. I am starting to see a bit more clearly now in terms of what has been happening in the last couple of weeks and yes, its all a big drama. Will heed the excellent advice to detach and keep myself away from him. Totally agree - our interaction should start and end with DS now and nothing more. Spot on about creating his life plan so simply - though he carved out his on the whiteboard in his home office. The idiot had actually written in the corner 'Plan + Backup' underlined. On the lefthand side was 'goals, aims, ambitions' and 'personal' and on the other side was 3 numbered bullet points. Number 1 was 'a happy healthy DS', number 2 was 'a happy healthy family' and number 3 was 'a happy healthy me' (as in the ex). And I know which option he plumped for...I only noticed this at the end of January - a couple of days after he had moved out....he hadn't even bothered to rub it out, despite being in the house for most of January. Again, I feel a bit chilled to think about how I was back in those days - how I was so terrified of what he would do wrt house and finances as I was frantically looking for a job. So terrified that I didn't even confront him when I found that. I just took a photo. But I think I was probably beaten down and weary before then. I didn't stand my ground about Xmas in Scotland when the old(er) me of a few year previously would have done. I definitely dont want to be that person anymore - I am not that person anymore.

Tomorrow is the NCT NNS round these parts. Off to volunteer so hope to snap up loads of bargains. Just thinking back to the March sale, I was in such a different head space. I was about to start working and had given up my role as Newsletter Editor back in the January as couldn't eat or sleep let alone pull together a newsletter. I remember feeling very sad and I would go off to have a cry every now and then as I thought about all sorts of things..how I looked around at all the other women and thought, how come you're the one with the partner who is faithful? Why did I end up with the cheat? Etc, etc. All very woe is me. Today, I feel much stronger, even with the recent ups and downs (well, mainly the downs). I have no intention of even mentioning the ex should anyone ask, whereas back then I was mad keen to let all and sundry know that he had had an affair as he pleaded with me to keep our private life private....

Thanks again - coming on here has again saved my sanity and set my head (and heart) back on the straight and narrow.........

sorry - massive, long post! have x-factor on in the background so tapping away without a care in the world!

Can someone pm me re meet up when u are organised ,is it a xmas thing ?

does anyone know how to register a website with a search engine ?

So meet up seems popular - hurrah!!! Am sure we will take a while to work out best date and location but here is a starter for ten.

Thinking that a lunchtime meeting may work best (then people can get train home?)

Thinking that therefore a weekend would work best in terms of childcare etc.

Completely no clue where everyone is....I will be near Birmingham/London......I know Dee is East (ish). No idea where Springy/Patience are - and of course everyone else very very very welcome. So. On basis of Dee would London be best?? I'm a bit easy as will be staying at parents so have built in childcare and compared to Australia everywhere seems near!!

Lovely day today actually for the first time in a while....went on ferry ride for fish and chips and play with pelicans at a place called Pattonga, glorious sunshine, DS on good form. Only fleeting sadness. Also a flirt with the rugged owner of the ferry company who is a friend of a friend and I know to be single which doesn't hurt...he is never married no kids though so am sure is just that (a flirt)....yesterday different story. Stupidly, texted ex as DS had to be removed from swim class due to bad behaviour and then kicked and hit me (totally unlike him - he is lovely really) saying I hate you mummy because daddy doesn't live with us and I want you both to take me to swimming....anyway, not interested, SO annoyed with myself for thinking he cares properly. New leaf - as I told him via text - I no longer believe you have DS emotional well being at heart and if you want to know who is doing and what I am doing re counselling then happy .to share but you have to ask me I am not going to be proactive anymore....we will see if he bothers. i doubt it....

Dee, glad you are feeling a little more yo sister go sister...proper post this week xxx

Just think these fathers are so detatched atm they may never take an interest,i know with my X he is going to parties with 20 somethings with his gf(he is 40 something)apparantley seen on fb ,LMFAO,if he ever realises what he is doing he will be mortified .Ditching his kids for that lifestyle but a 5 and 6yo would just slow him down atm,just get in the way ,so easier to detatch from his kids and stay over in the DARKSIDE ,RL he would have to admit he was an immature arsehole and he ent goin to do that.

Stuff like that Doll my X would have said "No wonder he's acting up with a mother like you"So be prepared for hurtful comments .I stopped discussing the kids and he didnt ever ask ,not about their school,hobbies ,even when dd changed nursery last year i used to think WOW he doesnt even know which nursery she goes to .All a million miles away from the life we had ,he just flipped out and wanted the lifestyle of a teenager ,all i could do was take care of myself and my kids and wait for the pain to pass x

I asked ex what year the kids were in at school, what their GCSE choices were. We were in mediation (lasted ooo about half an hour..). he didn't have a clue. He of the twenty million photos scattered around his house, dragging sad stories around the country about how he was separated from his kids because of their awful mother (all untrue, I did all that begging him to be involved with his kids stuff). He couldn't care less about his kids. I could go on but I'd bore you. Ok, I will bore you (I may have told you this story before but hey): when ds was taken down for heart surgery, ex lay on ds's hospital bed, stretched out, sighed a deep and contented sigh like he was on a sunbed, flirted with the nurses, laughing, joking. he was having a whale of a time, centre of attention, see. psychopath [don't anybody say that was his way of dealing with his fear - he had no fear, he didn't care]

Meet-up sounds great! I could do London....

Quick post as off to the hairdressers....so braved it out and no contact with ex. Cue yesterday and I get an email from him, with no text, just subject line which is DS' name and then a photo of DS himself taken at the beach (was a bit hot here at the weekend). Am I overthinking things to think that he is just trying to worm his way back into my head as in 'look, see, I am DS' dad and I do care about him'? or was he just sending a photo? I had asked him to stop sending photos on several instances and he stopped for a bit and then started up again. He has not sent a photo for around 1 or 2 months (cant remember - didn't reply to it and just ignored). I feel like I should tell him to stop (again) but think this is just giving him a let-in for a flood of emails and contact (again, still think he is up to something!).

My gut is saying not to reply and that he will hopefully get the message......

Sorry for a very quick post... re the photo and the email?

DETATCH. You' asked him to stop, he obviously thinks he knows better. He is also trying to reclaim some of the relationship you had before where sending you a photo would be completely normal.

And now he's missing that contact - too bad. Not your problem.

I don't think he's tring to worm his way back in, I think its more to do with the fact that he misses the comfort of being in a relationship for 11 years. His new life doesn't have that level of history.He thinks he has a right to invde your space, its his ridiculous sense of entitlement.

Yes, he's trying to show you how happy he is and what a great life he's having, but he fact that he is still ignoring you request tells you all you need to know.

Yur instinct is right. xx

I agree,ignore him,take back control,he will feel this indifference,it will rock him,u were like his remote control car ,now u have found ur own steering and acceleration.Its like the batteries r running down on his remote control,soon he will push the levers and u wont respond at all ,woo hoo,INDEPENDENCE!!!!

Millions of women are controlled because they are,"in love" its a fecking disease.Self confident women would change society.

Nothing wrong with being in love,everything wrong with being in love with a controlling abusive self entitled bastard xxxx

I love you lot. You talk so openly about all that you've been through and it is so helpful. You also make me laugh. Yes I too was with a self entitled arse.

Hi,

McNaughty - thanks! Ignored him in the end, though have since realized a shitty thing ? the photo of DS was taken on her iphone (ex doesn?t have one ? thought he had ? but all the Apple gear in his car is hers, not his, this is something stemming back months, I have not been poking around his car ? honest!). She is not in the photo, but I am cheesed off that he has the cheek to forward on a photo from her to me of our DS!!! He really does live in never-neverland where we are all friends or something? Either that, or his is just incredibly stupid/insensitive (guessing it is the latter as he isn?t too smart to be honest).

Patience - agreed! And am keeping up the detachment.

Have another slight problem and wondering if anyone has been through the same?..? Basically, whenever DS gets upset or I tell him ?no? (as in ?no, you cant have a whole packet of chocolate buttons? or ?no, time for bed now?, he starts crying for ?daddy?. This is sometimes accompanied by tears and everything. I feel absolutely terrible. I try and explain that Daddy lives in his house, that he loves DS very much and that DS will see his Daddy on x day, but it takes a good few minutes of repeating this over and over before it sinks in. I offer to call his Dad (as a last resort) but he usually says ?no, want daddy?. I wonder if it is to do with fact that we have moved? Or that he has not seen ex much in last two weeks with him being all over the place? Ex has at last suggested that he take a day off to spend with DS (at friggin last ? only took him 10 months to come up with that gem), so may suggest he hurry it up and do this sooner rather than later. DS is also doing a lot of linking of us all together, so I will say ?lets go to the park? and he will say ?yes, mummy, daddy, DS??.this happens a lot?.is this normal? And as said, feel awful ? as if I am failing him, and I feel terrible guilt that he is having to go through this which of course triggers anger at ex???!!

Hi Dee, long-time lurker here. Think you're doing brilliantly, and haven't felt the need to post before as you've been getting such great advice.

However, just seen your post on the "Daddy" comments from your DS and wanted to say that both my kids do this, and it's always when they're tired/grumpy/not getting their own way/all of the above (& my DH is still very much a part of this family).

Rest assured though, they will also cry "muuuuuuummmmy, I want my muuuuummy" when they're with their Dad and he has denied them chocolate/is washing their hair/evilly torturing them in some other way! So your ex will be experiencing this too.

This is no way a reflection of your situation so please don't feel bad, kids just like to tug at your heart strings some times and they find a myriad ways to do it.

I find a brief explanation of why their wish won't be fulfilled "daddy can't come, he's a work", a bit of distraction "shall we have the grufflo at bedtime?" and an early night seems to sort it (repeating steps 1&2 until the crying stops!)

Hope that helps in some small way, and keep up the good work, I'm sure there's lots of us lurkers out here as impressed with you as I am.

Hi Dee (and all the other lovely ladies on here!)

Been a long time lurker on this thread, hope you don't mind [hblush]

Just wanted to echo what PP said about your DC crying for daddy when upset. My DD does this too and I live with her father so it is a common thing for kids to go through.

Keep your chins up ladies and thank the lord you're rid of such douche bag husbands [hsmile]

Yep mine cry for daddy too,course they do ,i felt the same myself once.they are heartbroken he doesnt see them,but this ent my guilt trip.i tell them its ok to cry and then we geton with things .its tough but just another tick in the divorce taskbook x

As long as u dont bitch and snipe about ur X ur cool x