Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Phew! I am a bit more of a worrier now and for the life of me just could not remember back when ex was in the house and if/how DS would cry for him (I am at a complete blank - very strange..).

Thanks for the reassurance and confirming that this is very normal - again, think everything is a bit heightened with the whole separation thing. And it seemed to be happening more frequently of late. Yes, it usually is when he is tired/grumpy/in a strop, so need to look out for and anticipate this and DS' requests.

Patience - agree, its not my guilt trip, so need to ditch that thinking and I will. I just feel bad for DS as, like most folk, never ever wanted this for DS, but we are getting there. Yep, tell DS its okay to be sad/upset and then we try and do something.....Never bitch about ex to DS - save that for here or over a glass of vino in the evening with friends. I think I remember reading here and on other threads how some now-adults remember their mum or dad slagging off the other parent and how this affected them. Ex is a knob, but, hey, DS doesn't need to know that (now*).

MajorBOO, HairyBeaver - hi and thanks again for the reassurance (and for taking the time to post - means a lot). Glad to hear that this happens in homes where there hasn't been a separation. Can breathe a sigh of relief and up the distraction after a bit of an explaination.

• Again, with my worry wart hat on, I have wondered how I will approach this when DS is an adult and asks questions. But dont worry too much just now - more of a fleeting thing that has come up once or twice since January and was probably triggered at the time by my feelings of mourning for the loss of old life and life that DS would not be having. See things a lot differently now and think that DS and I have a fantastic time ahead and am feeling increasingly at peace.....

What everyone else is saying is so true - just a normal reaction when they don't get their own way. Most of its frustration but I don't think you should beat yourself up about it at all.

Trust in yourself as a Mother. You are your DS's world. You are the one stable person who is there for him all the time. Your ex is his DF, but he chose to move away from his DS and you cannot spend all your time making up for that. You don't need to. You are more than your DS needs and from all the posts you have written, there is not one moment where I would say you are failing him.

Put your time into settling into your new home, keeping your social/work life going and getting all the support you need. You'll soon find that you won't have time for your Ex's histrionics and you will be batting him away like a fly.

Dee when your DS gets to that age of asking questions, answer them as truthfully as you can (age related obviously). Once he is an adult you can then tell him the exact truth of what happened without bitching.

Then he can judge if he wishes too. That's what I would do

Dee--keep a print out of this thread and if appropriate give to your DS to read. There is nothing in it for you to be ashamed about. It will show him the journey you travelled throughout his young life,
He is lucky to have a mum like you

except some of us have been less than flattering about his DF on this thread. haven't held back type of thing . However, Dee, you haven't put a foot wrong

With my kids it was often when they hurt themselves or felt unwell rather than a manipulative thing.They felt rubbish and then remembered daddy wasnt there either just pants when u r 3yo.Kids grieve too and can detatch much easier but when they do talk about things it was so difficult in the early days not to let my ego get in the way ,when all you want to shout is "WHERE ARE YOU NOW YOU SELFISH FUCKER !!!!"
Instead I had to say ,daddys a bit mixed up just now but he loves you very much
Yoda trained I am ladies and the kids will see for themselves that the DF went over to the darkside ,you just let go and they work it out ,actions speak louder than words and if DF steps up to the plate and is consistently DAD OF THE YEAR ,then RESULT for DS .Whatever happens this bloke doesnt need to be in your life very much now at all and you will start to work towards your new NORMAL now xxxxx
ps your reactions are all normal ,not even a year in yet ,do u ever have days when for a split second you still dont believe this is ur life ?

Sorry for delay in coming back - had day off on Fri and so was choka with work and house stuff on Thursday during the day and evening (and got another freelance gig, so been frantically trying to finish that off - nowhere near enough for me to up and leave current day job and have a more flexible career and time to spend with DS, but, still plugging away at the dream)....

Patience - sounds familiar! In those early days, I would think the exact same, but, back in those heady days of confusion, I typically then poured out my frustrations to ex before I decided to delete him from BB messenger...Agree with the sentiments about ex stepping up to the plate and jogged my memory about something my counsellor said when I voiced my concerns about how ex would parent DS. It was not my problem (unless DS was in danger of course) and all I could do was manage my own parenting and make sure that DS got the parenting from me that I wanted him to have, so to speak about his feelings, to acknowledge them, which, ex has been quick to avoid when dealing with DS by trying to change the subject or distract him. E.g. DS will say 'mummy, daddy, DS' or 'mummy, daddy, DS go shopping/swimming/house etc'. I try and explain whereas I have heard ex deliberately change the subject or pretend he hasn't heard what DS has said. He may well act differently in his own house/when they are just alone, but its one of those things that does/did jar a bit....

Doha, Springy - yes, excellent idea. I have done a copy of thread a few times (esp during those dark times when it has been good to have the words of strength from people that have been so kind to even reply, post and help me in my angst....and thanks for the wonderfully kind words. I feel lucky to have DS and lucky to have come back to this forum when I did back in March. I honestly cant imagine where I would be without it. Everyone on this thread (and others) has been a real inspiration and I can honestly start to see more and more clearly every day....

HairyBeaver - yes, agreed! Some of the things he comes out with though are challenging - think I mentioned that latest thing is for DS to say his full name (first name and surname) and then say that I am 'mummy_

I would do what suits ds Dee,when is his bedtime,say 9pm bedtime too late so needs to def be home by whenever,just stick to your boundries,say ds is overtired .You would say that to anyone else,

or would he just take the piss

er yes, he would take the piss.

You probably think I'm always presenting the worse case scenario but imo he dallies with the bring-back time because he's sending the patheticmessage "I'm in control here". yes, really - he has to flex his muscles about something as teeny as this. Though not teeny is it re ds's bedtime.

I've probably posted this before but with my ex, if i wanted the kids back early I'd say "can you bring them back later, I've got something on". Or if I wanted them back late I'd say "can you bring them back early, i've got something on". Worked every time!!

If you want ds back at 7.30, tell him bring-back time is 7. Or, if your ex was my ex, 6.30

Hi Darling

God, we are on the same wavelegnth at the moment as having similar issues. DEFINATELY be firm on this one. Your son is small and even a 30 minute variance in bed time makes a huge difference at this age. I woudn't give the 30 minute window personally. I would say 30 minutes before the absolute last time you want him home which will give allowances for traffic/life getting in the way. That way you will be able to stick to your routine the most.

We are having a few issues with DS - largely due to routine/sleep times and the consequences of being parachuted into Dad's new happy family without any build up. To the extend both his kindy's have had a word and to the extent that I thought I had had a good chat with ex about what needs to happens sleep, eat, play, tv wise etc. Thought he had taken on board and had long chat about his swimming lessons on Sat (last week I chose to remove him from his class because of his behaviour - asked x to do xyz to which he said OK). So text (never normally do when he is with ex but wanted to know how it had gone) to see if he had been OK this week to get the response 'we are in Canberra'. So another weekend for DS TEN hours in a car total - after Kindy they wouldn't have got there till post 9pm on Friday....5 hours in car again today (no doubt DS will have slept and played on his fucking Iphone) which means he will be so overtired and out of whack to land on my doorstep. Am furious as within our parenting agreement his is making me stay in Sydney when he is dragging son off to Canberra every other weekend. At this point the OW and her son element of it is a given but as I have said to ex why can't they come to Sydney - why is it OUR son that has to be pushed from pillar to post (most likely as OW doesn't want to subject her son to 10 hours in a car in 48 hours I would assume). Anyway, that is my bug bear currently so I do feel for you on the being out of routine thing...and breathe!!

Huge love to one and all
downcast dolly who will have one feral 3 year old delivered back for dinner soon (god knows ex couldn't go to the effort of actually providing dinner for him at the end of the weekend.....)

@ Patience - Yes I totally get the split second 'elevator plunge' of is this really my life. Happened today when in Aldi deciding whether to buy the cheap peaches or the cheap bananas as can't afford them both.....I was suddenly 'really, is this where we are right now, how the fark did this happen???.....I didn't actually know Aldi existed until necessity forced me although now I am strangely addicted (and can heartily recommend their premium chocolate - yum yum)

love it dolly,
I agree with springy dee,its disrespect for u that means he is late.at least now u r aware of his pathetic controlling behaviour ,i felt it easier to deal with once i gained some awareness.

HI Dee, I've been following your thread from the beginning but haven't felt the need to post before as everyone else seems to be giving such great advice.

Re the bedtime, I would say don't make it into an issue. I think Ex is trying to keep control here so why not let him think he's in control on this one? If you want him back by 7.30pm, tell him 7pm and just reinforce that without making a big deal, saying you think DS needs more sleep and a later bedtime is making him grouchy. We all know Ex isn't going to comply, but he probably will have DS back by 7.30pm in any case, which is what you want. If you say 7pm, I doubt he'll keep him much later than 7.30pm as he will want to be seen to be doing the right thing, though without actually being "dictated to" which is how he will see it.

I would also suggest that he only text you if there is a problem, it seems like he still thinks he can text you when and how he likes. If he's bringing DS back around the time you expect there shouldn't be any need for him to text you to tell you he's leaving. Maybe you can explain to Ex that as DS is his son, you trust him entirely to do what is in his best interest so don't need any extra texts if he is following your agreement.

Every time I read your posts I get so cross with your Ex and just wish I could meet him and tell him what a total jerk he's being.

great post cienta. I agree totally with this. it's good to limit the arguments if you can (though at the beginning that#s nigh imossible!). Trying not to lock horns has got to be the best way to go - let him think he has won his pathetic little victory.

re your last sentiment - it brought to mind that the other day when I was cooking the supper I was actually thinking of what I'd do if I met Dee's ex in a dark alley and... well, I didn'#t know what I was going to do smack him one, probably. I was actually forming phrases I would spit at him say. Ridiculous! i didn't realise I'd done it until I read your post (reminds me of SATC Charlotte who planned what she was going to say to Big. not that I identify with them SATC girls mind - oooh no).

as for your snivelling shit of an ex Dolly - words fail me. I feel so angry with him it makes my arms go weak. Back off Springy.

These men eh, they defy belief. I think that's one of the hardest things about it, not knowing where to put it all in your head - because it doesn't make any sense and is just plain horrible. I haven't read the LUndy Bancroft book yet - Why Does He Do That? (or something like that) - but it's on my reading list.

Ok. So for anyone worried that my DS got to Canberra way past his bedtime - relax. Ex just took him out of Kindy and went earlier. Am furious that he did not notify me. Snivelling shit indeed.

OMG Dolly what a complete arsehole,he was going to do it anyway ,knew u would get cross ,so skipped that bit and did what he wanted anyway.At least u know where u stand now withthis bloke.Why cant these guys email a fortnight ahead and let us know their plans.Just out of respect ,they are so self entitled they cant respect the job we do ,IME now the people that co parent best,are the ones that still respect each other,my X has not seen or paid a penny to his kids for 3 mths.

So - have worked out why ex was piling on the regrets/sympathy etc. Today, he has asked for DS to go on holiday with him - first for a week with him and new gf, which I said no to and now come back with a long weekend to CP, which is more reasonable (I resisted throwing in the fact that DS has not seen his cousins since last Dec and maybe ex should take him there if anywhere...). I said no to week away as short notice - he wants to do this mid-Nov and DS and I have a show to go to on one of the Sundays. Plus, it seems like a big jump from an overnight here and there to suddenly going on a (new) family holiday. Esp when last comms we had was agreement on how it would be best to divvy up xmas and new year week by say 3-4 day sprints as a week could be too long for DS...feel like I am dealing with a child. Good thing was that I had in the back of my mind, all the wonderful points made on here, so did the metaphorical batting away of ex as he trundled on via email (I.e. Ignored the idiot).

Dolly - sorry to hear about what your ex did....totally out of order. It has prompted me to make sure I remind ex to let me know the days he plans to take DS out of nursery for their 2 days off together...horrible situation. Huge hugs...

Sorry - on BB so can't type too much. Will be back this evening.

What a despicable creature he is Dee. Am glad you have the measure of him though - forewarned is forearmed.

Sorry to hear about your ex's recent bout of selfishness too dolly.

They're all ghastly ghastly specimens aren't they.

Talking of ghastly specimens, I have had a look at the Lundy Bancroft book on amazon and it looks good ! At last, a book which lays the blame at the appropriate door, instead of endless books about what's wrong with us to have ended up with knobs of the highest order. NOt that that isn't a necessary evil somewhere along the line. But it#s like the scottish rape poster someone posted on here re aimed at rapists instead of a rapist's potential victims; so, instead of warnings like 'don't get too pissed, you may get raped', this poster says 'don't assume a woman who is pissed wants to have sex with you'.

Dire Warning Alert: I think your ex, Dee, is seriously up to no good and iiwy I would be as obtuse as possible about extended contact, for as long as possible forever if you can get away with it. Don't be lulled into thinking that buried under there somewhere is a reasonable and decent person. I know that's hard, because all along we were blithely swimming along thinking we were in a relationship with a human being. We may have been, once (??) but we certainly aren't now. Dark side, remember.

Dolly, there is no way my ex would have been able to do this re contravene the court order that demanded prior written notice of any changes to contact times. Do you have a court order in place? I would strongly recommend you do. Please don't think it is an aggressive thing to do, it is essential. YOu too Dee.

Sorry - said I would come back and then didn't.....work to do in the evening.

So, ex was pushing for DS to go on 'holiday' with him in November as mentioned. Thing he didn't mention was that this holiday was in Nevada and, oh, he will be slipping in a wedding whilst out there. And he is going in 3 weeks! Am half-fuming and half-upset. Fuming that he could even have thought that was a good idea (for DS to be dragged out to the US desert to witness his nuptials - is he barmy?! Or me?! What was he planning on doing with DS after the high of their wedding?) and upset that that sort of news can still affect me. I did know it was on the cards as he announced their intentions back at the end of June before she even arrived here......I am also worried about what this will mean for DS. They have only been together for 1 year by the time they get hitched, of which 'only' 4.5 months will have been spent living together... I have reminded him to please check his paperwork is in order as know that with a wife on the scene, things could get messy should anything happen to ex.

Also angry as I literally had to drag the info out of him - am pretty sure if I had handed DS' passport over in November, he would have flown off to get married and not bothered to tell me anything beforehand.

Apparently his parents are happy for him, but 'obviously' concerned about DS (the DGS they haven't seen since April). His sister thinks its a bit soon and the few Scots friends he has told are happy for him. He says he has not told anyone here (I casually asked if he was planning on making an announcement on FB as is his m.o). Which is strange.....

Am also sure that he has this booked (surely have to get bits of paperwork in place etc?) for a while, so his ruse of an email enquiring about dates in November could have been an empty gesture iyswim? As in, he had it booked anyway and half-hoping those dates would be okay.....

I am half tempted to ask him why the rush, but it is of course not my business. On a people level, I find it baffling that someone in his life has not actually questioned the rush (unless it is for visa issues), though love can do funny things to people I guess.....

Okay - deep breath...am feeling like I am going to explode (and a little bit sick)

Springy - yes, he was clearly up to something. I suspect as before it was 'come on, lets be friends. I am getting married now, I have moved on, my new wife is amazing. You will like her and I want DS to come to the wedding in Nov' sort of thing)......am beginning to be more aware of that dark side now.

cenicienta - thanks for the kind words and support. Good point about telling him that as/if he is following agreement then he shouldn't need to text etc. Though need to take up Xales advice from a while back and get a cheapo sim as soon as, so I can just switch phone off when DS is with me (he sent me a text last night asking how DS' day was and if he had asked for him or if I had asked him (DS) if he wanted his Daddy! FFS...did not answer it). Monday night I collected DS from ex's as was at an exercise class on the way (and he still managed to not bring him out until 15mins after agreed time) and tonight, DS is staying over so will try and implement the new way of working at the weekend...or next week....

Sweetheart - am lying in bed late here with poorly ds - on iPhone so not v eloquent but just wanted to give you a big hug and send lots of love your way. Irrespective of how you may have known this was on the cards it's still a shock - you would not be human if it didn't touch you.

In relation to your ds - 3 weeks notice is crazy let alone the distance and logistics for a 3 year old and the length of travel for one week. As the previous poster said it shows you do need to formalize access//holiday/wills asap as things like this aren't acceptable to be just requested at such short notice. Are his parents going over? Does he think they will look after him wedding night (assume the 'amazingness' of little miss USA doesn't extend to her accepting sharing honeymoon suite with 3 year old???

I'm a bit speechless on your behalf lovey - will post properly tomorrow though no doubt you will get good advice in meantime on here from the less sleepy and flabbergasted xxxx

What a wanker. I think that has been my opening line many times on your thread

He must have been organising this for weeks if not months, unless Nevada, would that be the lovely plastic elvis chapel in Las Vegas?

I am wondering if he only gave you 3 weeks notice in the hopes that you would say no (unsurprisingly) so he can play the upset devoted father who's wicked ex didn't let his son come to his wedding.

Who is going to look after his son during the wedding, during the wedding day, when he gets sleepy and tetchy from the heat and boredom from meals etc, the wedding night!?!?!?! The hungover morning after the night before......

Stop giving a shit or reading what his family say/think. They have proven more by actions than words in anyway, shape or form their real feelings for your DS. Another waste of your time and life.

I echo ristretto PLEASE get residency sorted as soon as possible. I have no idea about the rules but if he is married to a US citizen then would he have some rights to stay in the country? Don't run the risk that you have to fight to get your son back if he decides to take him! I maybe just scare mongering but never say never, your ex has proven himself a deceitful liar and manipulator on many occasions. Protect yourself and your son. Keep that passport safe!

Send him a nice, polite, congratulatory email on his wedding day return and ask him that any wills he has with regards to his son are updated as they will now be invalid. Then wish them a long long LONG life together and count your blessings that you are free to find a decent bloke one day.

Can we lay odds on pregnancy and half siblings yet?