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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:23

Sorry, I thought I saw a thread about him deleting his iphone messages. That would be a bit suspect imo. But if he isn't that's irrelevant.

SlightlyJaded · 03/03/2011 13:26

daisy I too believe he is just playing out a fantasy that he is too embarrased to ask you to get involved in.

The question really is, are you comfortable with that?

Personally, I wouldn't be that bothered. Whilst I take the point that many people here would not want to be unknowingly made the subject of pornographic material, if it were my DH pretending to get naughty messages from me, I would find it odd but not sinister.

Having said that. This would be on the basis that this was an isolated issue. His secrecy with porn in the past does imo shed a slightly different light on things in as much as I think you may have quite 'different' sexual drives.

To me, this is the issue.

Personally, I wouldn't hesitate to ask about the texts and certainly before you get married. You are clearly very anxious about it and you must resolve it. I think the most important thing is to understand any 'dark side' he has, and without judging, decide if you can live with it.

sakura · 03/03/2011 13:27

THingummy If someone has used the word filth it means what they have read is not acceptable on a deep level. Whether it's filth or not is subjective, and varies from person to person, but one person doesn't "forget" that they've written what they term "filth"

miniwedge · 03/03/2011 13:27

you can pay to have naughty text messages sent, a bit like a normal phone sex line.

He could be paying for the service but has saved them in your name to avoid suspicion, ie you would hopefully come across the messages but assume there was nothing to see.

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 13:33

Op-you have the evidence,you know you were out on the days on the days the texts were received to the spare mobile.

So just show him the evidence and ask for a full and honest answer.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:35

He might get very angry, so make sure you feel safe if/ when you confront him.

I know it is tempting to tease him with it, and make him sweat or whatever but I would really advise against playing these sorts of games. It makes you look bad too. Keep the moral highground, or he will throw your behaviour back at you and you don't need that when it's such an important issue.

It could blow the whole thing. Just ask him.

BlooferLady · 03/03/2011 13:36

If you genuinely believe him to be essentially a good kind decent man, of which heaven knows there are precious few, I don't see why you can't just ASK him about it. It will be awkward and embarrassing, certainly: but all this talk of confrontation is needlessly aggressive IMO. Do him the justice of having a frank conversation. ANy subterfuge or sneakiness on your part would hardly elevate you above him, would it?

It's also worth remembering that he shortly to become a father. Is it for the first time? The transition of seeing one's partner change into almost a mother must be challenging. He may feel that it would in some way be 'wrong' to impose on you any fantasties that you might be having - he might not, at the moment, want to associate you with anything he feels is a bit 'dirty'.

I am constantly at a loss to understand why the MN 'rule' tends to be to confront, to spy, to try and wrong-foot or trap. An honest conversation, possibly assisted by a glass of wine or two, is simply the only way forward.

Human sexuality is very complex & hidden, and Lord knows there are a thousand sexual proclivities more strange and more deceitful, that would not threaten a relationship. THis is not an insurmountable problem. It's odd, I grant you - which is why you need to counter it with something as straightforward and open as you can. Best of luck!

BlooferLady · 03/03/2011 13:36

Oh for Christ's sake Ingrid. Hmm. Suggesting that she needs to be 'safe' when she confronts him is absurd. Not all men are potential abusers you know. And it's hardly helpful to put that idea into her head.

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 13:37

I agree bloofer.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:38

I did suggest she talk to him, near the start of the thread. But I agree with you, anyway.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:39

Excuse me Bloofer? Hmm right back at you.

If you look at my posts from the start you'll see I have tried to give balanced advice about talking to him.

I suggested she make sure she feels safe when she confronts him because with the evidence she has, he might feel backed into a corner and become angry. I did not suggest he would be violent or abusive.

All I'm saying is I would feel anxious about asking someone about something like this. But then I don't like arguments at all - violent or not.

Please don't patronise me.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/03/2011 13:40

If you're going to marry someone, it's important that you are aware of and understand and acceptthat person's sexuality. By this I don't mean 'put up and shut up' with a partner's fetish if it disgusts you and you can't accept the partner indulging in that particular activity elsewhere. I mean if you can't accept the fetish/sexuality/sex drive/lack of sex drive in the other person don't get married to him/her because it will all go horribly wrong.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:41

and we don't know him. She does, and if she feels safe in the knowledge that he will not be angry or violent or anything else, well then that's fine.

For Christs sake indeed.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/03/2011 13:42

I've seen the argument that secretly using porn, connecting with real people on sex sites and even using escorts, points to the user having "different sexual drives" than his partner.

However, given that he has shared some of his fantasies with the OP (threesomes) and it is evident that Daisy is only too willing to be open-minded and explore her sexuality in this relationship, I think there is another "driver" that is so often overlooked in these situations.

The need to control a partner by having secrets.

Malificence · 03/03/2011 13:44

The Op definitely posted about him deleting all his iphone history, but she never went back to the thread after the OP. Confused

BlooferLady · 03/03/2011 13:46

Whenwill I am not convinced that the need to have a private internal life, sexual or othewise, demonstrates a need to control, does it? Confused.

Ultimately, he had a private fantasy that would have done no harm at all if she had not encountered it. I have plenty of similar and strongly suspect my DH does too (I would be slightly peturbed if he didn't!). I don't see the problem - it's his mind, not mine, and mine is not his.

Perhaps I am just a boss-eyed optimist in these matters (more than likely).

Rhinestone · 03/03/2011 13:48

I think WWIFN has it spot on actually. And the fake text messages are blackmail fodder.

HUGE alarm bells ringing here.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:49

That's really frightening. I really hope it isn't true. Why would he need to blackmail her though?

BlooferLady · 03/03/2011 13:50

Oh my God! This is so irresponsible! Someone came on here for advice and support, not to be presented with an entire Hollyoaks script of potential ghastly outcomes!

sakura · 03/03/2011 13:51

"The need to control a partner by having secrets"

is one type of controlling behaviour
Another is not "seeing" someone for who they really are but rather superimposing another person onto them then feeling annoyed or even angry when that person tries to assert their authentic self

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 13:51

Odd that the OP never came back to her iphone thread.

Confused
dignified · 03/03/2011 13:52

Op , you are not even married yet and there have already been several issues , it really shouldnt be like this . When someone shows you who they are its wise to listen.

blinks · 03/03/2011 13:52

hahaha at 'hollyoaks script'

Baggypussy · 03/03/2011 13:52

Sakura I use the term filth quite regularly for stuff which I do find acceptable on every level. Therefore it is your interpretation of the word which is subjective.

OP. FWIW- to me it does sound like he's using it as wank fodder, and I agree with the others in that:

a) Just ask him what it's all about.

b) It all depends on whether or not you're comfortable about him indulging in his fantasies in this way.

Personally, although I would find the phone thing slightly odd, part of me would be a little bit flattered he thought of me in such a horny way.

awaits flaming from the man haters

Malificence · 03/03/2011 13:52

Bloofer, you are speculating on his motives, as we all are to a point. You don't know that he is having private fantasies, the OP won't know anything until she asks him.
If it's as you say and he wants a private fantasy life, then he has to be honest about it and give her the choice as to whether she can accept that or not. You may see it as harmless, she may not.
He could be completely dysfunctional and have horribly fucked up ideas about women and sex, he may not. She deserves the truth whichever way.