I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

Take care x

How are you doing Daisy?

xxx

Upsy, sorry, I'm a long time lurker and have read the whole thread. I can see you're in a difficult situation, but I hope not insurmountable.

It's been a while since you posted and I hope you are o.k.

You've had a range of opinions on here, but I agree with many posters that you need to find someone in RL to talk to about this outside your relationship. You are talking about making huge decisions (I'm sure you are excruciatingly more aware of this than me...) and much as MN is a handy sounding board, we don't know you or your partner.

Please find someone to talk to in real life, be it a friend, relative, Relate worker, GP, HV, samaritans....

I can understand your confusion and worries for you and your young children but this is too big to work out online. This could all be salvagable, or not, but we are not in the position to judge.

I wish you all the best for you and your family and hope and pray that you've found someone helpful and supportive to talk to .......

I still say that the OH doesn't want to get married. Now the pressure's been taken off,he may begin to breathe,and behave in a different way. It doesn't mean that he loves you less,just prefers not to be married,yet.

I hope she is Ok.

I don't think it's something we couldn't have helped with on here, but we really needed more information and there wasn't enough - literally zero from his side. I hope the OP has got more out of him now, enough to help her decide what to do.

We are here if you need us, Daisy, and if you prefer to start a new thread then go for it.

Otherwise best of luck with your situation.

Hi daisy. I really hope you are at least sort of ok. Start a new thread honey (I know but at least I did not type Hun ). This one is nearly full and contains lots of crap. Start one that just focused on you, how you are and what kind of support you would like. There are people here for you. X

Just read the whole thread - hope you're ok. x

bump

Blimey, have just read this thread and it reads like some kind of random worst case scenario idea generator. The truth is probably in here somewhere!!

I'm wondering if it has all gone particularly weird because they have both been being so indirect with each other.

Anyway, Daisy, hope you are OK whatever is going on....

Hope you are ok Ups been thinking about you. x

Hi upsydaisy1974,

Just wanted to add my support, you're in such an extremely difficult and emotionally draining situation. I've read the whole thread and my "gut feeling" (from the perspective of someone who is in a happy 5 year relationship - not a miserable person in a miserable relationship, trying to break people up, as one person suggested of the people here trying to help you!) is that this guy is untrustworthy - not someone I would be with. I think I have pretty good "red flag/ bullshit detection skills" that have protected me from potentially damaging "types", and I feel very uneasy about this guy, especially in the context of how many threads you have created on Mumsnet in a pretty short period seeking advice because you are feeling uncertain about some aspect of the relationship. Unlike some here, I would not be "playing down" the severity of his behaviour - e.g., "most likely contacting women on a no strings sex site" = "looking at a porn site", etc.

You're coming across all these little clues now and then that suggest that something's not right. I've never come across such a "clue" or had any reason to feel suspicious/ snoop in my relationship. I am only referencing my own relationship because I wonder how much your sense of what is happy/ loving may be skewed. Your partner is not being loving in his reaction to how things have progressed. He is acting really weird, like it is more important to him to protect his "image" than it is to be honest with you and save the relationship.

I once had a thread here that became really big and emotionally draining (not about my partner!) and I ended up hating coming back to it and having to continue writing about the issue. I just wanted to say that you have so much going on, I wouldn't be surprised if you feel the same way about having to justify yourself, re-state things you've already said, argue that you're not a troll, etc. Don't feel obliged to waste your time or emotional energy on that kind of thing, that's something I learnt. The people who matter and who want to support you will believe you, not try to nitpick everything you say and attempt to tear down your credibility/ position. Look after yourself and trust your instincts, don't try to rationalise things away/ delude yourself.

That's a wonderful post, Pigglesworth. The people who helped me to see some of the realities about my relationships were those who, like you, take certain levels of comfort and security for granted. By telling me what a normal relationship is like, they showed me how I'd come to think of that as an impossible ideal.

It takes a while to get over the shock! I, too, remember feeling oddly flat after it had all ended. You know how you feel the ground's moving after you've stepped off a rollercoaster or a boat? It's only a re-adjustment, you soon start walking safely on solid ground.

I imagine I'm like most of your other readers, Daisy, in wishing you well and feeling glad of the occasional update. You've got a lot of real life going on just now, I don't expect you to be spending hours on a forum