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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
GelflinGirl · 09/03/2011 18:03

Daisy, ive been lurking since the beggining and i want to say i think you can get over this. What hes done is very odd and you know you have to deal with that but you say yourself that in every other way your life with him is perfect. Personally i think its all been blown out of perportion by alot of people on here.

I wish you every luck and truly dont feel there is need to break up etc over this.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 18:16

Nice tank, Math Smile

Ooid, I really don't understand why you are ashamed to be part of this thread. Your earlier post made it very clear that you thought lying to someone you're marrying is perfectly normal and justified and it wouldn't, or doesn't, bother you.

You haven't said anything much that could really be construed as supportive of an extreme standpoint, (not that I consider I have, either) so really, there's no need to worry.

Besides which if you don't post very persistently about your own take on the subject, perhaps no one else will and the thread will be taken over by us lot.

So I think you should be proud to be here.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 18:20

And I thought stonewalling was refusing to discuss something that the other party was concerned about, in the hope that it will go away, and to the detriment of the relationship. That's how I was using it anyway...I didn't intend it to carry any particular drama with it. It's just a descriptive word that conveniently represents what Daisy was talking about - that she is trying to approach him reasonably and he is acting like a child.

I'm not ignoring what she says. But perhaps you were not addressing me with your tank comment. I don't know.

Heroine · 09/03/2011 19:31

when did being open about everything regardless of politeness, self censorship or consequences become an adult trait? Sounds like a 4 year old to me

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 09/03/2011 19:35

Daisy how did your scan go?

I am really sorry that your so called best friend was such a prat yesterday - no matter why you have postponed it, her response was unsupportive and childish. I hope she is embarrassed & apologises to you :(

I don't know if you have anyone in your life who could be objective about the situation. Often those closest to us aren't the best ones to discuss things like this with because they (in the nicest possible way) have their own agenda and it clouds the actual facts. I think maybe someone independant would be best. I think your MW or GP recommended someone didn't they? I'd try to find someone x

welshbyrd · 09/03/2011 19:36

Hope things have gone well with the scan Daisy

The more you type about DH, the more I get a sense of immaturity. You have made sure, he knows if he does not discuss this with you, he is basically waving bye-bye to you,and this relationship.

He knows this, but still will not discuss it, then sends you negotiating texts?

I really feel for you here, seems he does not want to split from you, but is not prepared to sit down and discuss it with you.

Ultimately though, 1 person can not fix a relationship, its got to be 2 way traffic.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2011 19:40

Heroine you may wish to reconsider your last post in light of the TMI post earlier...

lovenamechange100 · 09/03/2011 22:44

I havnt posted for a day or two but have been following: Hi daisy gosh this threads mental - hope your ok and only reading constructive bits you do seem very together all things considered.

I would like to restate, if you are able to have a honest conversation from your DP re whatever you feel the need to talk to him about you are able to rebuild trust, it can be done this is step beyond what you are trying to do at moment, which I know is what you are trying to do (for the benefit of others and has been for days without hiding from it or losing the plot)

You are doing great daisy - I am so pleased I am not a partner living with some of the posters on this thread it seems some are perfect and wouldnt tolerate anyhting less than this and seemingly forgivness and rebuilding trust are alien concepts.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2011 01:15

It takes two to dance that tango.

lovenamechange100 · 10/03/2011 01:25

Yes indeed math

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/03/2011 01:31

I really feel for you, Daisy. As you say, it's not what he is or isn't fantasising about, it's the fact that he's pushing you to move on and forgive him but is at the same time denying doing anything that needs forgiving, and deliberately lying to you (about 'trails') in order to cover his back.

I'm so sorry that the timing of this has come up around the pregnancy issue. But of course you know that he's not giving you all the facts precisely becacse then you'll make a decision?

mathanxiety · 10/03/2011 01:48

Does he understand that not having all the facts (i.e. left dangling) is likely to provoke a decision just the same?

ScarlettWalking · 10/03/2011 07:46

Just read the whole of this thread. My god what a mess. I dint know what on earth you should do, but he sounds a bit weird with all the texts and trails and traps. Is this really what you want?

Casserole · 10/03/2011 09:56

This thread is so out of control it's unbelievable.

Daisy my very best advice to you would be to take this out of the domain of internet strangers and for the two of you, quickly, to get yourselves to some counselling. TOGETHER. We can't possibly know what's going on in his head and you're not getting anywhere with this. Get yourselves to someone who is trained and facilitated to help in these issues, and take your partner with you. Ring someone today, make an appointment.

Honestly, there is too much at stake here to keep going back and forth like this on an anonymous internet board. I think people are trying to help but honestly, I think it's beyond the realm of forum advice now.

I wish you the very very best of luck.

kezabel · 10/03/2011 10:04

I 've just read the whole of this thread and I really feel for you and the situation you are in. I think you need to find out what these other trails and traps are that he claims to have set. I'd find that worrying to be honest.
Please take care of yourself.

Heroine · 10/03/2011 15:28

So let's get this straight, the 1% of him you think is blemishing what would otherwise be a perfect bloke - yet now that 1% has been weighted as more important than the 99% of him that meets your criteria. If 99% perfect isn't good enough...then no wonder you have problems.. Try to see this in perspective, please.

CalamityKate · 10/03/2011 15:44

Yeah but sometimes life's like that, Heroine. It depends on what that 1% is.

You can write a "pros" and "cons" list and the "pro" list could be as long as your arm, but if the only thing on the "cons" list is "Worships Satan And Slaughters Puppies", most people would say that would be enough to finish the relationship, even if he only does it twice a year.

Sounds flippant I know, but you get the gist; if that 1% is important/unacceptable to YOU, it negates the other 99%.

ZombiePlan · 10/03/2011 15:48

I don't think it's helpful to think in terms of percentages. Either you are basically happy in a relationship or you are not. Doesn't matter whether the guy in question is a saint, devil worshipper or just an ordinary guy somewhere in between. Being happy is what counts. It's perfectly possible to be a great guy and Mr Wrong at the same time.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 10/03/2011 17:43

Daisy, I hope your scan went ok. I have been lurking, but not posted as a lot has been said and it's got a bit out of control, as Casserole said. If you are still here, I hope you are able to ignore all the unhelpful bits.

You sound like a very strong, intelligent and sensible person, I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you are now getting some support in RL, it's not good to isolate yourself. If your dp isn't amenable to counselling or you can't start it immediately, is it worth reconsidering telling your best friend?

I think the advice to follow your gut instinct is sound, however hard that might be. I hope that your gut instinct is clear to you through the stress and you're able to follow it and find some peace soon.

PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 18:27

daisy hasn't posted for a while...where are you ?

Original poster
upsydaisy1974 · 10/03/2011 19:58

Hello everyone. I am here still and am hanging on. I can't really go into everything now, but will pop back a bit later to update. Thanks for all your concern x

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 10/03/2011 20:12

x

LilllyLovesLife · 10/03/2011 20:40

Good to hear from you Smile

Stac2011 · 10/03/2011 21:12

hope your ok upsydaisy x

majorydoors · 10/03/2011 22:10

bless you ups x