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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:

legoverlil · 03/03/2011 12:41

Front him out about it. Tell him you couldn't find your phone and wanted to send him a text so you looked for the old contract phone and saw the messages when you went to compose your text.

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 12:43

sakura-OP also went on to say 'We do send texts of this nature, although not quite so explicit'

LittleMissHissyFit · 03/03/2011 12:44

How many texts are we talking here and was it only on these two occasions?

You mentioned in your OP that you have "had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately". Can you tell us what else is going on, it may help to shed some light.

If it's just two dates, and there are in box and out box messages, a few, a couple no more, then he is testing the messages being sent between the phones, swapping sims over???

Malificence · 03/03/2011 12:44

I had no idea you could text your own phone from that phone, why would you even want to?

I had assumed that he was bouncing texts from his other phone.

This makes less and less sense, I hope she (and we) get to the bottom of this.

At least it's highly unlikely that there is someone else involved.

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 12:48

garlic, no i was with the little girl who is going to be my bridesmaid. It was her dress that was being fitted.

I can guarantee that this texts haven't been some show to his mates. He really isn't that way and doesn't go out drinking with the lads these days. He's done all that in the past. We're in our late thirties by the way.

It is almost as if there are two sides to him. 99% of the time he is the kindest, nicest, considerate guy I have ever met. He is fantastic with my children, close to his family who are all very decent. He works hard, has his own company with his father. He is loving, affectionate and totally into me!

There is just this other thing lurking and I don't know that the hell I am going to do about it.

OP posts:

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 12:49

What is the 1% 'thing'?

Do you have other suspicions or have witnessed some behaviour that you are not comfortable with?

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 12:49

Hi Upsy,

forgive me but is this the same man who you thought had logged into a sex site and was receiving rude messages from there, a while ago?

Do you think it's possible this is still happening? Even if not, perhaps he has a bit of an addiction to this sort of thing.

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 12:51

Malifence, yes thankfully I don't believe it to be anyone else or anyone else involved.

When you have an intimate relationship with someone you have a good idea what gets them going. I believe he has some fixation about this and it's gives him a thrill. I'm in no way justifying it and am appauled by his behaviour.

It's just not a clear cut problem. If someone else was involved and he was cheating in many respects it would be easier to deal with because there would be only one conclusion - to end the relationship immediately.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/03/2011 12:53

THis does all sound very odd but the only person who knows what this man is actually doing and why is him. So you;ll have to talk to him Upsydaisy. Put the phone in your pocket before you do so, though, so he can't erase all the texts/'lose' the phone.
BTW, it's not that odd to have more than one phone. I have two because I got a free sim card with a handset upgrade ages ago so I kind of have 'one for work, one for social' though as I am always running out of credit on one or the other the boundaries are a bit blurred...

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 12:54

Are you saying he's becoming obsessed with fantasy of threesomes?

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 12:55

The 1% is this issue that has now arisen, nothing else at all I can fault him for. I didn't word that properly really.

Yes Ingrid was me a while ago, but I had no evidence. He gave me no reason to suspect. I have know for a long time all his passwords to everything, mobile phones not locked, I use his when mine is flat or mislaid!

Maybe there is an underlying addiction, fixation whatever you wish to call it.

OP posts:

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 12:56

The 1% is this issue that has now arisen, nothing else at all I can fault him for. I didn't word that properly really.

Maybe there is an underlying addiction, fixation whatever you wish to call it.

OP posts:

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 12:57

Thingumy - yes he does like the idea of a three some. But it's never been more that just a bit of banter at the right time.

OP posts:

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 12:58

Sorry

You found these messages on his laptop though, yes? And he denied having received or sent them, and he then said why would he allow you access to his laptop if he had anything to hide?

What happened with all that - did you just drop it as he was so upset that you didn't trust him?

KazBarTFG · 03/03/2011 13:00

upsydaisy - confront him about it.

It's his fantasy, and he is pretending you are sending the texts because he wouldn't dream of asking you in RL. IYSWIM. (in a kind of I respect my future wife and I'd never ask her to lower herself to say such filth in RL, but in my fantasy she can be as filthy as I like )

Harmless IMO. It's all fantasy.

Sakura we'll never agree, we're both on very opposite ends of the scale here so lets just agree to disagree hey? ta

And FWIW OP, don't let anyone on here tell you that your future husband is a weirdo, or that there is something sinister going on, but I do agree that you need to confront him, only then will you know the truth.

Let me know how it goes, I bet it's not as bad as you think :)

Thingumy · 03/03/2011 13:00

If he's texting himself explicit message about threesomes and you have had suspicions of him using sex sites, I'd say it was more serious than a bit of banter at the right time.

You need to talk to him and ask him to open and honest.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:05

Kazbar it all depends on what OP is comfortable with. I would not be comfortable with my partner using me in these kinds of fantasies without my knowledge or consent. It crosses a line I think.

It's basically pornography with the OP's name on it.

Pornography by its nature is impersonal and degrading.
The OP might be OK with it but if he is keeping things secret that's totally different and wouldbew an issue for many of us, whether or not we consider pornography to be 'harmless'.

FourFortyFour · 03/03/2011 13:05

I often send myself texts on my phone as my memory is rubbish at the moment. If I put things in memo I don't always remember to look there whereas a text it tells me there is a message.

OP - talk to him. Calmly but firmly and don't rush to make a decision what to do. Don't be afraid to postpone or cancel the wedding if you need to.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/03/2011 13:06

If you found him interacting with people on sex sites before, it explains why you were checking phones.

There is clearly a side to him that he would like to remain hidden and that's going to be a big issue in your marriage if you cannot resolve this once and for all.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:10

That's my feeling, WWIFN. I have seen the OP going through a lot of worries and concerns during this relationship and for her to end up married to this man without those issues resolved, well, it scares me that she might feel she's on a sort of no-stopping route and can't get off.

I know exactly how that feels.

Please OP, step back and put yourself first - really think about protecting yourself from any further hurt or insecurity or anxiety.

I know you will feel like you desperately want to rationalise this so you can take the easiest path and stay with him, marry him and so on, but I doubt things will get easier once you are married.

Be careful x

StealthPolarBear · 03/03/2011 13:12

No chance he's building up some sort of case against you?
Don't know why, but that was my 1st thought

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 13:16

a case against me. How come? For what purpose. Just to update you I have taken the phone and it will remain safely in my possession.

OP posts:

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 13:19

Is he still deleting all his messages? I mean generally?

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 13:22

Ingrid, he uses his i-phone and no he doesn't delete messages. And he hasn't been using the spare phone for anything other than texting from and to the spare phone. I think the affair aspect is highly unlikely given that if he was having a fling I would have expected to see a lot more than I have on the spare phone and indeed his behaviour would have changed, ie not being at home as much, keeping his phone with him at all times etc.

OP posts:

dignified · 03/03/2011 13:23

Sorry op , ive read your other threads and i dont think this guy is who he says he is . Hes already lied to you .

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