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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
dignified · 03/03/2011 09:05

I too would be disturbed by this and im struggling to put into words why . I would worry that he is slightly out of touch with reality , and is creating some sort of alternative reality where his fiance sends him filth ( when you dont ). I would also worry how he sees me .

Is he generally consistant in what he says and does ? Does he know his own mind , his own opinions or does he absorb the opinions of those around him ? Is he prone to exagerating and telling fibs to big himself up ?

What made you look op ?

sakura · 03/03/2011 09:48

I think it's worse that he's put her name on it. It's a complete erasure of the real upsydaisy

squeakytoy · 03/03/2011 09:50

I am not understanding this.

Is he sending messages from the spare phone to his usual phone?

He would have to have the spare phone number set up as you on his usual phone for messages to show up as being from you.

robberbutton · 03/03/2011 10:05

Maybe he's got her down as upsydaisy2 or something.

Sakura, I don't see it like that at all! Something turns him on that he doesn't feel able to share with his fiancé, but he still wants to think about her in his fantasy, rather than another woman. It's weird, but I don't think it's sinister or malicious. All supposing they manage to sort their trust/communication issues, and this is the extent of what's going on, maybe the OP could start sending him dirty texts. If it's something she's uncomfortable with full stop then that's not so good, they might not be that compatible.

Gosh OP, lots to think about! Good luck.

foxy123 · 03/03/2011 10:17

It's a long shot but could he be lending out the phone to another woman? Then if you ever looked in his 'normal' phone's message inbox you'd just see messages from 'yourself' and not bother to read further?

mrsravelstein · 03/03/2011 10:20

foxy, that doesn't sound like a long shot, it sounds a whole lot more plausible than someone sitting in their house sending messages to themself...

dignified · 03/03/2011 10:23

I agree with sakura , i think it sinister , and not just because of the sexual nature of the texts , but its an attempt to make the op into something shes not .

If we left the sexual nature of the texts out of it it would still be disturbing. Why would any healthy adult send texts back and forth to themselves ?

Hes happily pretending that the op is sending these messages , What other things is he playing pretend with ?

If he has the capacity to afford attributes to people that they do not have i would be very worried , normal healthy adults do not text themselves . In fact i would be very worried if one of my teens was doing this.

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 10:46

Good point about the phone number, it doesn't make sense.

I agree with those who say it's disturbing. I cannot see a way that this behaviour can be justified or explained away - at the very best it's massively disrespectful to her.

It's horrible.

garlicbutter · 03/03/2011 10:48

Upsydaisy said he's sending and receiving the texts on his spare phone: she saw them in both the inbox and the sent box.

It looks like far more than a little foible to me. I agree with Dignified, this seems to indicate some kind of scary mental health issue - as if he's creating an alternate reality for himself, in which his fiance blasts him with obscene messages. We don't even know whether he enjoys the messages his IMAGINARY FIANCEE sends him, or considers them a cause for punishment ...

Upsydaisy, you must be in shock. I'm sorry you've found this - and glad you found it before your wedding! Dignified's questions about his other behaviours might help you to get a fix on who he really is. I suspect the man you wanted to marry is a pretence :(

Sunflower38 · 03/03/2011 10:48

very strange indeed.

I'd also be checking that the number is definitely yours, OP.

And the facr he has a spare phone is also worrying. I mean, how often does he use it? What is the point of it if not something dodgy he wants to keep hidden :(

QuelleLeJeff · 03/03/2011 10:49

Squeakytoy - I think what the OP is saying is that the spare phone's number is 1234, and he has set up a contact as "UpsyDaisy" and the phone number is 1234. You can send texts from your phone to your phone.

Tis very weirdy

IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 10:52

Just pondering this, but to the posters who think this is Ok - and 'good' that he is using the OP's name, to personalise this deluded nonsense -

What if you found your DP was watching some awful porn movie but, thoughtfully, had superimposed your face onto the person in the movie?

Would that be acceptable too? I think not.

LadyBiscuit · 03/03/2011 10:53

No I think the fiance is sending messages from his spare phone to his main phone in Upsydaisy's name.

That is seriously weird.

sakura · 03/03/2011 10:55

IMAGINARY FIANCE

Thank you garlicbutter that's what I was getting at.

sakura · 03/03/2011 10:59

I think it would be marginally better if he was receiving fantasy texts from "Penelope Cruz"
BUt disgusting ones that the OP would never send herelf? weirdy

sakura · 03/03/2011 11:01

actually scrap that, I agree with dignified. Sinister is the right word.

Malificence · 03/03/2011 11:04

Hopefully OP will have asked him what it's all about by now and will come back to explain.

The only way I can explain it is if he has some kind of weird issues surrounding women and sexuality, he sees her as pure maybe and has created this elaborate ruse because he can't actually verbalise his desires to her? Am I making any sense? A kind of screwed up version of the maddona/whore thing?

Or it's messages to his current phone from another woman and he has gone to great lengths to keep them hidden by using a spare phone as a mule, forwarding them so he can delete the originals off his current phone. Which is why it looks like he's sending them to himself Confused

Weird and needs sorting either way.

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 11:04

Thank you so much for all your responses and I am sorry that it has taken me so long to reply. My bloody internet connection has gone down at home.

I am worried sick about all this. Why would a man send his own phone pure filth posing as me. I was horrified to find them in the outbox and in box on the same phone with an entry in the address book with my name on it.

The phone in quesion is an old contract phone which is almost expired, but desperately wanting an i-phone he got one on a business contract early and is just going to wait until the other phone contract expires.

We are due to be getting married in a couple of weeks and I am 11 weeks pregnant, so this is just a dreadful situation to be in and I can't confide in anyone else yet.

I already have two children from a 17 year relationship (8 marriage). He got bored of playing family man when our youngest was 9 months old thought he had the right to have an affair. I divorced him in the end.

Really I need some advice as to how to handle this. I have forwarded all the messages to my phone so i have a record. I almost feel like forwarding one of the worst with a message saying WTF! Is this just childish?

OP posts:
Malificence · 03/03/2011 11:11

This gets weirder Upsy Sad

In the out box and inbox of the spare?

I wouldn't text him, it gives him time to think up an excuse (if he needs one) wait till he comes home and ask him directly and calmly what he is playing at.

What made you check his phone in the first place? Has he not been his normal self?

RandyRussian · 03/03/2011 11:13

First time I've heard of this happening and sounds really weird but probably no more than that.

If you were able to check his phones so easily they probably aren't locked or password protected which sounds as if he has nothing to hide.

Maybe he wants you to find them and start actually doing it yourself?

dignified · 03/03/2011 11:18

Sadly there is a type of person who constructs their own reality , they do not like who they really are , dont feel good enough ect , so go about creating a fake version. There are clues that someone is doing this.

They often talk about themselves in the third person , affording themselves talents and qualitys that they do not have .They frequently rewrite history , denying that things happened or were said , or they exagerate massiveley and enjoy dramas . Theyre often victims too.

They are keen to be seen as " nice people " and can compartalise quite easily , they often have low emotional intelligence and can be very defensive if you challenge their version of events . Their favourite word is I and they tend to be immature and selfish deep down. Their opinions can change daily and in a way they do not know what they really think .

Not only do they create a fake charecter for themselves , but they create fake charecters for their partners , affording them charecterists that they do not really have . I was married to someone who exhibited these traits and i eventually realised i was nothing more than an acter in his play . The problems began when i refused to play the part and insisted on being seen for who i really was.

Op , if you asked him to describe you do you think he would come up with an accurate description of you ? Is he able to accurateley recall an event without putting his own spin on it ?

IFishWife · 03/03/2011 11:18

The only adult thing to do given your situation is confront him in a calm way, with a suitable reason for why you felt moved to check his phone in the first place.

Anything else is just madness and can only lead to more anxiety.

legoverlil · 03/03/2011 11:18

Yeah...front him out about it. Tell him you couldn't find your phone and wanted to send a text to a mate so you looked for the old contract phone and saw the messages when you went to compose your text.

boxingHelena · 03/03/2011 11:20

maybe he lends this "spare" phone to his lover

robberbutton · 03/03/2011 11:24

Ok ok, just trying to be a bit optimistic about the situation! Of course you might all be right and it's very serious indeed.

I'm just coming at it from the angle of, recently, in the spirit of complete and utter honesty, my H told me about something that turned him on, that he'd never told anyone. It's a little off the wall, not something everyone would find attractive, but completely harmless and I'm happy to be a part of it (not that I completely get it!).

Sorry OP, I want it to be relatively innocent for you, but not in a bury-your-head-in-the-sand type way. Sorry if I'm not being helpful.