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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 09/03/2011 08:58

Really not sure why you think your sex life is relevant Heroine Hmm

Heroine · 09/03/2011 09:00

as an illustration you numpty. fantasies aren't necessarily somepointer to how your evil man wants to abuse you - unless you think all sex and the pictures in his head are some sort of voodoo.

FourFortyFour · 09/03/2011 09:18

Heroine - you are very rude. Calling people mental is not on.

LadyBiscuit · 09/03/2011 09:25

I don't think anyone is denying his right to have fantasies. But the difference is that what you are describing is a mutual shared scenario that you both enjoy. So it's entirely irrelevant given that is not what is happening here. At all

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 09:28

Eh? Did I miss the bit where he actually said anything about fantasies? Let alone verbalising what they are.

Heroine I'm really, really getting too much information about your sex life here...but if you would like to discuss it in the finer detail, you could always start another thread.

It's totally irrelevant.

And when you insult people repeatedly, it's unlikely that anyone will take you very seriously. By all means though, if you enjoy being confrontational...whatever floats your boat.

Jux · 09/03/2011 10:10

Why can't he communicate with you? Why can he not just say something like he needed a bit of extra, um, stimulation home alone and so he set up the texts. It worked so well the first time, that he did it again....

The main problem seems to be that he is simply not talking to you honestly and openly. He is obfuscating with the consequence that he looks guilty as hell of something, but no one knows what.

I don't imagine that you want to live like that for the rest of your life. He really needs to just be honest. If he can't be, then regardless of whether or not he's done anything, the communication problems that exist between you would be enough to sink the marriage anyway.

Blu · 09/03/2011 10:14

This thread is bizarre.

It's like a Faustian battle for Daisy's soul.

Or a psychological experiment in how far people will go on the internet.

Plenty of quite conservatively minded people fantasise about threesomes, what's this 'cuckolding' business?

Sharing experience is great as a source of advice.

Projection and wild speculation, less so.

I'm not saying all is well in this relationship, but I'm not sure all is well on this thread, either. 'Drama and bloodlust' is well put.

upsydaisy1974 · 09/03/2011 10:42

Does the term banging your head against a brick wall spring to mind? Because that is exactly what I am doing.

I just want to confirm that the fixation/fantasies thind is NOT what I have a problem with here.

ALL I want him to do is open up and be honest about it. It really isn't too much to ask.

In ALL other areas our relationship has been great. There is absolutely nothing I would change about it or him and I really do mean that.

Some of you say we need to have an adult discussion, open and honest with each other. That is EXACTLY what I am doing. I talk, I suggest and I listen as best I can to what he says without coming across as controlling. I am doing all the work here. He is for whatever reason behaving like a child. It maybe that he has something deeper to hide or it might be that he is too embarrassed to share it with me. The trouble is I just don't know.

With regard to leaving, at the moment their is an unborn child to think about here. It isn't just about me anymore. I have two children who adore him and I have a child on the way.

If I was sure in my decision as to what to do next I would do it. The difficulty here is that because I am so confused and unsure what the real depth of the problem is here, I don't feel able to just end it and leave. It's impossible to make a decision without all the facts.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 09/03/2011 10:51

I suggest you BOTH go to Relate.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 10:54

He knows that which is I suspect why he is not giving you them.

The thing is, that says enough, to me. You cannot start a marriage with this sort of stonewalling as a foundation.

You're exactly right in your description of the situation. You're behaving like an adult; he is not. You are doing all the work. You still have very little information to go on.

I think that indicates that a marriage would not be your best option with this man. Certainly not unless he makes a dramatic change in his behaviour, very quickly. Otherwise it is pretty much doomed I think.

Yes, you have a baby on the way but it looks very much as though you will have to make the decision about keeping the baby or not without any help or guidance from him. He's simply not going to help you with that decision. He will not step up. (and I know where you are coming from, having been in your position).

So, your options are to keep the baby and marry him (not going to work - well, very unlikely to because he's not a grown up in the crucial areas);

don't marry him, and keep the baby. Difficult and will involve him for some time to come but at least you won't be married.

Don't marry him and terminate - dreadfully hard and very sad but you will be free of all involvement with the man.

I think you may need a spreadsheet to make a decision, because I would. Fwiw I left the bloke and kept the child, and it's worked out Ok.

You would always have the option of seeing how it goes with him, if you continue with the pregnancy and he doesn't sound horrible enough to make your life hell through child contact, so that may or may not be your best option at the moment depending on how you look at it.

But please don't wait for him to help you decide because that's not going to happen.

Sorry you are where you are. x

Thingumy · 09/03/2011 10:55

'I think you may need a spreadsheet to make a decision, because I would'

wtf?

Heroine · 09/03/2011 10:55

I am glad that you are taking on board the idea of an adult conversation, but it does sound also, i'm afraid, as though you are bullying him to talk about something he is obviously uncomfortable about talking so freely about - and I think that demand for full 'ownership' of him is slightly troubling.

We are all entitled to keep bits of our personality to ourselves - even if this is just 'for a time'. With reference to you considering him 'childish' about not wanting to reveal his full fantasies in an 'adult' way (your interpretation) - have you considered that men are berated constantly about their sexuality and often feel that they should be embarrassed about what turns them on. There is also a huge risk for him here - you have already dropped the nuclear bomb - if you behave in the wrong way, its over - so no wonder he is nervous about what you will think of him, and what the consequenses are if he says something that you disapprove of - you need to move away from these power plays if you want to genuinely build trust. I hope that you will try to let your heart go out to him in understanding, and use words that heal rather than hurt when you try to resolve this - cancelling the marriage will have massively shaken this trust, made him feel alone and unsupported, as well as putting him clearly in the state of powerlessness in the relationship. You might be secretly enjoying him needing to crawl to you - but I know from experience, unless you equalise his emotional power here, you will find the climb to a good relationship a long and diffficult one.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 10:57

thingumy I mean that there are many factors involved and the OP might benefit from making a chart or a list of them...it's so complicated. I as being a bit tongue in cheek.
Using a chart or list of factors is a commonly used tool in counselling, in case you weren't aware.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 11:00

Equalise his emotional power? And what should he be doing while the OP ensures that all his childish complex emotional and psychological needs are taken care of?

Does he have any sort of role in this at all, or is the OP entirely responsible for everything he has said and done?

Heroine · 09/03/2011 11:04

I'm glad to hear that you are working through your previous relationship through the OP - well done. Funny that you see 'stonewalling' when I see obvious discomfort, and that you again adovcate 'change your behaviour (perhaps 'who you are'?) pretty sharpish or I go for the nuclear 'it all over' option. Hmm

Heroine · 09/03/2011 11:05

the lovely DV phrase 'does he feel like he is walking on eggshells' applies here. ...

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 11:08

Heroine, ignoring the rest of your post, why on earth would she continue a relationship with someone who won't discuss things with her in the way she needs things to be discussed?

Surely if they can't get on with each other it is best to cut their losses before marrying rather than add to the divorce stats?

He doesn't have to change but the OP has said that she can't cope very well with his current behaviour. So that leaves the options of staying put and having trouble communicating, or ending the relationship.

It's not about threats, it's about common sense.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 11:11

and you haven't answered my question - what is his role in all this/ What would you suggest HE does, now, to make sure Upsydaisy is feeling Ok? Considering it's her job to make sure he is comfortable - is that not a reciprocal condition?

Morloth · 09/03/2011 11:12

Dude is a creep, ditch him.

It shouldn't be this hard especially not at the beginning.

LostInTransmogrification · 09/03/2011 11:12

"it's impossible to make a decision without all the facts"

That is what he is betting on. That he never has to discuss what is going on and before you know it, it will be September and you will have another dc and a wedding and he will have kept whatever he has been doing/thinking to himself.

I don't know if he is just dreadfully shy and scared to discuss his sexual preferences with you, or he is on sex dating sites or whatever. Only he does, because he is choosing to say nothing meaningful despite the wedding being postponed and seeing you upset.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 11:14

Morloth has summed it up really well.

It shouldn't be this hard, especially not at the beginning.

wannabesybil · 09/03/2011 11:14

Heroine - what would a man have to do to you to make you think he had to make an effort to sort it out? Paint you purple and tie you to a fountain in the town square?

OP - wishing you all the luck in the world. If he makes efforts to help you feel comfortable about what is going on then perhaps you can work forward from there. Hope it all works out.

upsydaisy1974 · 09/03/2011 11:31

Whilst I have resisted the urge to wade in and either justify or argue some of the more negative comments on this thread, after all this is an open form and people can express their views freely I am so appauled by one comment on here I have to reply.

Heroine - your comment "You might be secretly enjoying him needing to crawl to you" is appauling.

How dare you suggest that I might be getting some enjoyment from this. Does the content of this thread show a woman who is in some way enjoying this situation. I suggest you read it again and re-consider your opinion. I am extremely insulted by your comments.

OP posts:
ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 09/03/2011 11:32

Wanna - no, I suspect that would be just him empowering himself Hmm

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 11:38

Daisy I think most of us would agree that the comment in question is in poor taste and unnecessary.

Heroine seems only to be able to see things from the man's point of view, and a very selfish, self absorbed and compassionless version of it, too.

I don't think anyone else thinks you are enjoying this.

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