I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

[upsydaisy1974]

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

As opposed to the allegations and suppositions that have been made about the man in question.

IngridB, you seem to be very heavily invested and competitive in this.

Daisy has said how it made her feel, why the gang dynamics?

Rhetorical q, I'm hiding this thread now as the thread itself seems so unhealthy.

Daisy - I haven't posted in a couple of days, even though I've been reading as I felt quite strongly about what you should do, but didn't want to say so. However, nothing he has said or done over the past couple of days has made me think any differently.

I agree with those saying he isn't being open & honest with you. Not about whatever his 'fantasy' is, but about what he has been doing to meet that need.

He is saying he wants to get married, have this baby, move forward etc - but he just wants the 'ideal' set up - he doesn't want the reality of it with a real person. He wants the make believe, the 'show'.

IF he really loved you and valued you he would not be putting you through this shit. He would not be talking about 'trails' and 'suspicions' - he would be doing everything he could to show you 'him' - not just wanting to 'move forward'.

A decent bloke would want you to feel secure, safe & loved - not insecure and 'baited'.

He is trying to head you off at the pass and make you move past this - he is not trying to get to the bottom of it and reconcile it - thereby laying a stable ground for your relationship. He's merely trying to paper over the cracks and 'move forward'.

I know you have a lot to risk here and I know it's far easier to say than do, but I honestly believe that if you continue with this relationship your life will be one long thread like this :(

About your pregnancy. I think that you have to make your mind up about it. IMO you can't terminate (or maintain) the pregnancy based on the state of your relationship with him. Between now and when the baby would be due is not long enough to establish whether this relationship is going to work or not. You have to make your decision based on what you would do if this relationship was to break down. It hurts me to say that, because I think if you do that you will have the termination and it's not something I would want to head you towards, it's not something I myself could or would do. However, it's not my pregnancy and not my decision and I feel that in this situation you really must consider that you may end up bringing this child up (with your other two) on your own irrespective of what happens in the next few days.

What would he say & want to do if you had a termination?

Its ok Heroine sweetie, you can stop now. We have all definitely noticed you.

I sometime wish that posters who have already made their views very clear over and over and over again, refrained from doing so
It doesn't read like helping OP

ok, it is only my wish and I know its a free country

I only have a couple of hours now until my scan. I am dreading it and feel like I am at tipping point now.

I think I am going to speak to my doctor about some time off work and seek some sort of help to clear my head, give me some perspective and allow me to make a decision before it is all too late.

I was about to confide in my best friend yesterday but when I told her about the wedding being postponed she threw her toys out of the pram, said that she has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange time of work, time of work and time of school for her children, time taken choosing her dtrs bridesmaid dress etc. So I kept my mouth shut!

'IngridB, you seem to be very heavily invested and competitive in this.'

Blu, could you explain what you mean by this - that is if you can still see the thread? I'm not sure why you have singled me out - lots of people are saying the same things as I am. I don't understand the 'competitive' thing at all. I'm arguing, yes, with someone else who has a different viewpoint - are you trying to make me stop doing that?
Why?

Sorry your best friend wasn't more receptive Daisy. People usually react better once you have made a definite decision.

Hello daisy. I have been follwoing your thread for a couple of days now but I've not had anything to contribute until now. I think you should go ahead and talk to your best friend about all that is going on this afternoon. She will probably be really really embarassed that she had a mini tantrum yesterday when you needed her but don't let that get in the way of talking to her. If not her, then is there anyone else who can help you out in real life? I can see from the last few of your posts that you are getting more and more upset and I am sorry that you are not getting the answers that you need from your partner. I don't really have any suggestions about what to do but I would say that you should trust your gut instincts absolutley. Deep down what do you think about spending the rest of your life with (or without) this man. Your gut instinct will be right. Trust yourself. You are going to make the right choices over this. Give yourself some time. I hope your best friend can be a bit more grown up for you today.

Take care.

I agree, I think you should talk to somebody - in real life. Maybe your best friend.

Daisy. Have posted my views but just wanted to say good luck with the scan and yes, do try to get some time off/head space.

I will be thinking of you

Daisy, you have mentioned a couple of times of wanting to be 'absolutely certain' of who this man is before you make decisions.

I orginally interpreted that to mean to be certain of his guilt. But that is not necessarily the entire intention, is it?

If so, then, forgive me, but a quote from Jane Austen comes to mind:

"There is one thing a man can always do if he chooses, and that is his duty." -Mr. Knightly in Emma

Is there a duty to honesty in your relationship? Of course there is. Imho, your dp is choosing to not do his duty towards honesty, this relationship, or to you. His choice. Imho, that is who this man is.

And I will add that I believe that is the seed that grows into the specific circumstances, here trust challenges manifested through sex issues.

Mathanxiety touched on this earlier yesterday, I believe, pointing out the core of the problem boils down to where his priorities lie. (Sorry for bad paraphrase.) That it is about sex is rather periphery, imho. It could just as easily be about finance/gambling, chemical dependency, or some other behavior that would, normally, end a relationship.

Daisy

Only YOU can decide what happens now.

You need to start by deciding what you will do if he refuses to 'open up' to you and share his thoughts/fantasies etc......

Yes, go and see your GP or even your MW. You need to talk openly about this to someone who can sit and listen and more importantly, support you.

Whatever you dedide x

'decide'

Ingrid - hello - had a message to tell me to come back.

I haven't much time..sorry, didn't want you to feel 'singled out' re the advice, but when the dynamic of the thread is that posters who are one opinion start being personally not v nice to posters of a differnt person then the OP becomes a piggy in the middle being fought over. Hence the competitiveness. You - and others - most recently mpontmorency - hav been v challenging to posters who put another perspective. Daisy had already given her response to Heroine, and when you came in afterwards with
"
Daisy I think most of us would agree that the comment in question is in poor taste and unnecessary.

Heroine seems only to be able to see things from the man's point of view, and a very selfish, self absorbed and compassionless version of it, too.

I don't think anyone else thinks you are enjoying this."

It sounds to me like a version of including Daisy in your own pov, speaking on behalf of other posters, going beyond what Heroine actually said (H seems...) and being v quick to make sure that Daisy stays on your side of the fence.

I imagne that Daisy doesn't need anyone to speak on her behalf, and can make up her own mind.

I don't agree with everything any one person has said, ditto re disagreeing - but think that when so much is at stake it's best to offer observations and experience, ask questions, maybe, but not press the point.

Upsy - I just read the 38 pages ( bored at work )

Are you sure you dont have any subconcious insecurities, re what happened with your previous marriage ?

I cant help but feel, you are trying to find something wrong with this man....

Joanne34 - why don't you just read the thread as one single page? Surely that's easier than 38 pages?

Sorry for the hijack, OP. I've already said how bad I feel for you, and I do hope you find a way to make your decisions.

Thankyou, Blu, for coming back (not sure who messaged you so I can't thank them!)

and for explaining what you took issue with. Yes, I understand very well your point about the post you have C&Pd.

I thought that as I was writing it - that it may come across as my trying to gather Daisy unto my bosom, using her as a pawn to make my own agenda stronger.

The intention was not thus, though - my thought as I was reading her previous post was to try to reassure her, because she was clearly fed up about what the other poster had written, and I didn't want her to feel that she was on her own. However I expect she could have surmised that from the already copious posts speaking out against Heroine's point of view.

So I spologise if it seemed I was trying too hard. I meant to be kind.

As for speaking for other posters, that too was silly - I was indeed pressing the point. It's obvious many people agree, I didn't need to say it again.

nd with reference to 'Heroine seems'...well it's a darn sight nicer than saying 'God, some of you are mental', isn't it so I won't give you that.

Sorry about the rest.

Just catching up with this after a couple of days.
I'm quite honestly ashamed to be part of this thread.
This is Mn at its worst: a few articulate people who brook NO dissent and trundle on like a Soviet tank, regardless of what the OP actually says.

Sharing experiences often helps. Repeatedly telling someone who admits she is sick, tired, in a mess, hormonal that her partner is a devilishly and cruelly clever abuser does not make it so.

I have lived with psychological abuse. It comes in many forms and I'm no more an expert than anyone here (ie one or two extended experiences which leave their mark.) I'm no more convinced that he is gaslighting her or stonewalling her than I am that he feels the best way to get over this is to shut up and say as little to fan the flames of her anger as possible. Who knows? We don't, for sure. A few of you need to locate your dignity here and measure your words.

Daisy, I know I've given my point of view but have decided to restate it because of all the weirdly blaming posts to your thread. Don't know why you've attracted quite so many :(

You have got your head screwed on, though you must be feeling like a tanlgled-up knitting basket at the moment! I am not sure why you're so determined to force a sensible level of equality and honesty with this man. Well, I am - as you say, the relationship seemed 99% perfect before this cropped up - but it's become ridiculous. You have done everything right. But he's still holding back, playing games with your head and your feelings. Do you want to marry a game-player? Or even, being charitable, a man with secretly shameful feelings?

I think you deserve a grown-up who respects you.

I'm so sorry your friend put herself first! That's the last thing you need ... The scan must be upsetting for you, too. Please remember that you're the most important person in all this. Take care of yourself, for yourself and for your kids.

Daisy I've just read your thread and I have to say I cannot see any way that your marriage to this man can work.

You don't trust him. End of.

It doesn't matter that much whehter you don't trust him because he's a lying creep, or whether he won't own up to some daft but not sinister stuff.

It doesn't really matter whether he's the bets bloke on earth and these are all your issues.

The fundemenatl thing here is that you don't trust him. The situation is making you unhappy. Frankly that is no way to live.

Cold feet, and with good reason.

Heroine your pov is so wide of the mark and your logic is so topsy turvy that I wonder if you are able to function in the real world at all.

There are worse things than being single you know.

And there really are men who can behave themselves and do the right thing -- because they have a moral compass and a sense of empathy. Making excuses for this DP's shabby treatment of Daisy on the basis that she is some kind of big, bad she-wolf trying to emasculate him is ridiculous. Just because the DP may have a castration complex (and this is the picture you are painting of this man here) doesn't mean Daisy is after him with the garden shears.

Hope your OK daisy

And yes, you are now on the hot seat about the wedding . Daisy, you need to get your side of the story out here so that you no longer have to deal with the toys/prams and get some support from your RL friends.

It was callous in the extreme for this man to have spread misinformation about the wedding. It will isolate you, Daisy, and have people who love you annoyed with you. Take a deep breath and tell people what is really going on. Save yourself a lot of ruffled friends' feathers.

'I'm no more convinced that he is gaslighting her or stonewalling her than I am that he feels the best way to get over this is to shut up and say as little to fan the flames of her anger as possible. Who knows? We don't, for sure. A few of you need to locate your dignity here and measure your words.'
Yes, quite. But the thing is Daisy doesn't know either. That is the heart of her pov. She may or may not be living with a stranger.

T-34 tank, fyi; the reason you are not now speaking German and working in a salt mine

Regardless of whatever he might have done or what games he may be playing, are YOU happy in this relationship? Because you actually don't need a Big Reason, like adultery or serious lying, to call it off. Even if someone is an A* bloke, if you are not happy in the relationship then that is enough of a reason to call things off.

Frankly, you don't sound very happy right now. And I have to say, I don't see him trying overly hard to make you (his pregnant fiancee) happy (what was all that shit about trails and not telling you about them anyway??).

In your posts you essentially seem to be saying that he's great most of the time... but there's a little niggle. IMO people need to pay attention to niggles, they are there for a reason. If you're not sure how you feel, why not take a break? A weekend away by yourself out of this pressurised situation might help to clarify things.