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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 21:35

...preferably her husband-to-be

mathanxiety · 08/03/2011 21:38

'I know that there is more to this than what he's told me.'

Your gut feelings have served you well up to now, Daisy...

I am inclined to read that comment "If this is the only issue I will only do things with you there then. I do have fun with you when we are naughty if I promise that and prove the case to you can we move on?" as an attempt to minimise Daisy's misery ('If this is the only issue') and brush the whole thing under the rug with the minimum of honesty and openness possible from him ('if I promise that and prove the case to you can we move on?').

It is also a partial admission that he has been 'doing things' and an assertion that he doesn't intend to stop.

textualhealing · 08/03/2011 21:42

and I agree with PeterAndrewforPM - Daisy needs to lay her cards on the table, talk this over (not text) with her partner and I think she needs to withdraw from this post and concentrate on real life relations and use her own judgement to base her future on. No one else can help her even though all the respondants are here to support her!

blinder · 08/03/2011 21:59

I often find myself thinking 'leave him!' on relationship threads (rarely say it though).

But here I think an element of drama and bloodlust has gripped the thread. I want to second everything GoldenBeagle has said. And I think Notalways has been talking sense too.

You really need to discuss this fully and properly with your partner! His text implies that it's all a very minor issue for him. (btw I am extremely anti-porn with an axe to grind). For goodness sake I hope you two can sit down and you can stop attempting to mind read him.

Whatever happens with the relationship and pregnancy I hope you find some peace from all this turmoil.

FuppyGish · 08/03/2011 22:05

actually id dump him just for the 'when we are naughty'

sorry, probably not helping Blush

but, anyway Daisy, you must remember, as GoldenBeagle says:

"he has bought a new cooker"

so don't you even think about dumping him! Hmm Grin

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 22:11

Guppy-Remember that was a personal text,I doubt very much that daisy's partner thought about the wording and 'naughty' is probably a term they use together, privately.

And Golden was referring to all of daisy's previous threads where she has given a glowing reference in regards to her partners attitude and their relationship.

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 22:11

Sorry Fuppy

FuppyGish · 08/03/2011 22:14

I know, I'm only joking (probably in bad taste).

Grin
Thingumy · 08/03/2011 22:16

Doesn't float my boat either but each to their own Wink

Portofino · 08/03/2011 22:25

So maybe what this all comes down to in the end, is that the dp has some sexual "needs" which he hasn't been open about. It's up to Daisy now as to whether she is happy about "sharing" this stuff with him.

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 22:34

he "needs" to tell her what they are though

ffs, this is a frustrating thread

SlightlyJaded · 08/03/2011 22:41

Portofino exactly what I think though you have said it more succinctly. And yes as Peter says, they can't move forward until he opens up, otherwise their physical and emotional harmony is going to be in trouble from the get go.

OP might be perfectly happy with it all once it's in the open.

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 22:43

I don't even read it as a "need", more like a fantasy that's been vocalised between them and now is a issue.

I agree PA,it's been frustrating from the very start.

Portofino · 08/03/2011 22:47

And then again, she might not as threesomes etc were involved.

Portofino · 08/03/2011 22:48

Why is frustrating? This isn't OUR problem.

Heroine · 08/03/2011 22:49

I know no-one has ever fantasied about threesomes before ever how hideous Hmm

Portofino · 08/03/2011 22:51

Heroine, the point is that this might be a big thing of his, and yet might leave OP torally cold.

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 22:53

If I were to put my finger on this fantasy he may or may not have (since others seem to be doing it all the way through this thread...why the hell not Smile)

I wouldn't say threeseomes

I would say "cuckold"

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 22:55

I find it frustrating as they could quite easily talk about it.

It seems one talks and the other doesn't and visa versa.

CalamityKate · 08/03/2011 23:49

Yep. Me too.

sakura · 09/03/2011 00:48

what's definitely been frustrating about this thread is people thinking that because XYZ wouldn't be a problem for them then it shouldn't be for the OP. If somebody explicitly states that they are bothered by something then that feeling has to be taken on face value. I personally cannot stand it when I see women's feelings and perceptions being minimized on a thread or IRL.
Daisy, I hope he manages to do the right thing. Nobody wants to have to call off their wedding, and nobody wants this to a cancellation to be the inevitable result of your parter's goings on, so if it can be worked out, then all the best and good luck.

But don't let anyone minimize how you personally feel, especially not your partner.
He has been annoyingly secretive to the point where I think that this does come accross as a control thing as opposed to anything else. Maybe he enjoys having secrets, maybe he enjoys you finding out about them and not telling you the whole truth, maybe he enjoys going on about "traps and trails" and not bothering to protest when you call of the wedding, or calling your "snooping" to attention by way of diverting attention away from the fact that you have solid reasons to suspect dodgy behaviour.

Or (hopefully) he's just immature and he loves you deep down. In fact I'm pretty sure he does love you, but the question is, can you be arsed to marry him.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/03/2011 02:07

Oh, I'm sure he loves you too, Daisy, and that he really wants marriage and children and rainbows and unicorns.

But he also wants a fantasy life with naughty girls and threesomes and cuckolding fantasies. Which isn't wrong or right, it's just him. What is wrong is that he is clearly doing more than you know about, and he is prepared to lie to you and minimise your concerns time after time.

He is definitely doing more than you know about, from what you've said.

He noticed you were 'off' but didn't know why. So what does he do? He sends you a bizarre text about how you'd obviously 'fallen into a trail' but then refuses to talk more about this. There is no possible explanation for that except arse-covering. Let's pretend there's a real 'trail' here. There are two possible sorts of trap. The first takes the form of him creating an imaginary set of suspicious behaviours, to see if you'll pick him up on them, like sending himself filthy emails or texts to see if you'll read them. If he was doing that, he would a) be a really sick individual, but also b) set them up to look like they came from another woman, not you AND IMPORTANTLY c) wouldn't have disclosed that it was a trap until you'd confronted him. Which you didn't. The second option is that he set something up which alerts him to the fact that you're reading his texts/emails/internet history - read receipts, keyloggers, etc. In which case a) still a sick individual, b) it could be done with completely innocent texts/emails, no need for them to come from you or be filth, AND IMPORTANTLY c) would have confronted you about the 'snooping' before he noticed your behaviour was off - because he would already have known.

Neither of those things happened. He knew something was up but not what, told you about this 'trail' and has repeatedly refused to tell you what that is, or why. And is still refusing.

Added to which - he told you the texts were a 'gift' to you. So they can't have been 'the trail'. So what is 'the trail', and if it doesn't exist, why did he feel the need to claim it did?

Added to which again - he's now promising to 'only do things with you there' - so is he admitting that the texts were not for you, then? Or is he admitting to other activities? Is he admitting to having lied about any of this yet, because until he does, there's nothing. The above is just not, and cannot be, logically coherent unless he's covering something up.

I'm so sorry you're in this position, OP. I hope you find a way out of it. You sound like an incredible woman.

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 06:58

Yes anything from this geezer that vaguely approached 'logically coherent' would be a bloody gift!

I think Tortoise has summed it up very well in terms of the possibilities. The 'trail' probably doesn't exist, imo, so he's talking bollocks. This man is possibly great, possibly a shit; he possibly loves you and possibly doesn't.

however your peace of mind is NOT your priority. He is using tactics to derail your need for information, not giving you anything to go on, hiding SOMEthing, confuscating and prevaricating and really putting you very low down on his list of 'who knows stuff'.

I could NOT live with that. And I'm not speculating - this is all very clearly happening, whatever the 'fantasies' or any of that (which none of us knows, and I don't really get)

The fact is he isn't being straight with you and if you want to marry a man who isn't straightforward with you and puts you through this sort of guff every time, then that's fine, but I don't think many of us would want that for ourselves.

He's not sharing. He doesn't consider you on the same level as him. You're not ENTITLED to know his little secrets, and to me that is massive disrespect and no trust from the off.

Is it worth it?

IngridBergmann · 09/03/2011 06:59

Sorry, peace of mind is not HIS priority.

Heroine · 09/03/2011 08:55

god some of you are mental. no-one seems interested as to why he has any fantasies and some of you are determined to label those fantasies in the most negative way possible - there could be love and a need to understand his future wife's fantasies all intertwined. dh and i say some really rude things during sex eg my fave is that he is diong things to me in a mutually known public place it doesn't mean we are going to do them or that it would be enjoyable if we did its just an idea that turns me and him on... personally if a man is practicing being comfortable at verbalising and telling his fantasies it is a vey positive thing.

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