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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:
Portofino · 08/03/2011 20:04

Notalways, my DH is also a "good'un" who can be an arse at times.

What he doesn't do is join sex dating sites and lie about it. What he doesn't do is send pervy messages to his mobile phone. What he doesn;t do is lay traps for me and then refuse to explain what he is talking about.

He in the past used to hang about with unsuitable people and take drugs. But he is a grown up now. We argue. I am not perfect either. He has never,ever given me the feeling that I need to check his phone/internet history/bank statement. All of that info is open to me. There are no lies, and no silly games.

To me that is the LEAST you can ask of a decent relationship.

upsydaisy1974 · 08/03/2011 20:22

Just a quick update but I will be back a bit later.

I saw my midwife today, spent two and a half hours with her and explained everything. It felt good to get everything off my chest.

Additionally I got a text from him earlier that goes..

If this is the only issue I will only do things with you there then. I do have fun with you when we are naughty if I promise that and prove the case to you can we move on?

So there goes. I am so tired tonight that I don't want to talk to him. I am having a hot bath and will be back.

I did reply that if he is totally homest about all that has happened there can be some peace of mind and i see no reason why we cant try to move on together. I added that in the time we have been together because we have developed an intimate relationship and that I know what he likes and what gets hime going. That's why I know that there is more to this than what he's told me. I'vev suggested if he is too embarrassed to say to write it down for me to read then he can destroy it
I said that to save a relationship which he says is everything to him and to ensure a happy future with the family he has always wanted surely it is worth it.

I am not going into it with him tonight.

I told my mw that I had been smoking and she seemed more concerned that I don't have any alcohol. I always thought the odd glass, one or two small ones a wekk was harmless. It appears not.

OP posts:
upsydaisy1974 · 08/03/2011 20:23

Just read this back - so much for quick update, sorry if i am rambling!

OP posts:
Mouseface · 08/03/2011 20:28

Glad you are still posting daisy

Do what you feel is right. YOU knwo him, we don't.

BUT - if you think that he is lying when you talk more, chances are, he is.

Just take your time, ask what you want to and take it from there.

I'm so glad you told your MW. She can and will help you all that she can, if you continue to be honest with her. x

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 20:29

'I will only do things with you there'-what does that mean? Wanking? Porn videos? Sexchat sites?

I presume this all relates to the bi curious fantasies?

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 20:29

'know' Blush

LadyBiscuit · 08/03/2011 20:36

"If this is the only issue I will only do things with you there then"

What 'things' is he talking about??

How are you feeling about that text?

I really would not stress about a couple of small glasses of wine a week - the HVs need to tread the government line which is no alcohol at all but the odd glass won't do you any harm.

upsydaisy1974 · 08/03/2011 20:38

Hi Thingumy. Can I just clarify that he is most definitely not bi. He loves the idea of other men finding me attractive and wanting to have sex with me. It is purely a fantasy, that I know because I'm not a bad looking girl, and can still attract a fair bit of attention from men when we go out. He finds that flattering (ego boost I imagine) but nothing has ever been said in seriousness and when a man has tried to get a bit too friendly he makes his presecence know iyswim.

Bi he isn't!! Some unusual fantasies maybe. Idiot definitely.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 08/03/2011 20:40

Do you know something - as an aside - my mother and MIL both drank with their children. Not a bottle of wine a night but a few stouts or glass of wine a night with dinner.

And they ate liver, all fishes, eggs, nuts etc.....

I'm amazed how any of us are here TBH.

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 20:41

is this man trying to edge OP into accepting some aspects of his sexuality he has previously kept secret ?

"only when she is there" ie. involving her in them

why is this man coming across as so weird ? I have certainly never come across someone like this Confused

Mouseface · 08/03/2011 20:43

It's certainly an odd thing to declare isn't it?

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 20:43

'If this is the only issue I will only do things with you there then'-What did this mean?

upsydaisy1974 · 08/03/2011 20:44

OMG just noticed my spelling - apologies.

MN is there any chance of a spell checker on this site??? Grin

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 08/03/2011 20:50

It's like watching a slow car crash.

SlightlyJaded · 08/03/2011 20:51

Hi Daisy
Thanks for coming back to us with an update - really impressive given how exhausted you must be (hopefully you are now neck deep in a lovely bubble bath).

So if I understand his text, he is offering to limit any sexual erm behaviour, to just occasions when you are both there. In other words as opposed to locking himself in the loo with his self-penned- wank-texts?

But you don't believe that is all there is to it?

I haven't really changed my opinion. He loves you, he has some dark and possibly deep rooted sexual deviance that he has not yet fully shared/revealled and is terrified of what the revelation might do to your opinion of him.

However, he must at last now realise that secrecy is not an option.

I have read all the posts on this thread and understand why some posters have suggested that there has been 'underhand' behaviour on both sides. However the difference is that your hand has been forced. Having said that, I truly believe that the only way forward is absolute transparancy from now on. I am glad you suggested him 'writing it down'. I am a big fan of the "I'll leave the room, you write it down when you're ready, we'll talk about it and then we'll burn it" technique.

Also glad that you've shared with your MW, and am surprised that she was more concerned about the alcohol than the fags. I'm no medic of any description but can't believe the odd glass of red wine is worse than the alternative anxiety and stress. I drank the odd bottle glass of red in both by pgs. Don't beat yourself up.

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 20:55

'he has some dark and possibly deep rooted sexual deviance that he has not yet fully shared/revealled and is terrified of what the revelation might do to your opinion of him'

Come on...Deviance is a strong word.

All we know is that he likes the thought of daisy shagging another man,now that could be just a fantasy and just that.

I'm confused if it's all about a fantasy.

I'm finding his recent text weird though.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/03/2011 20:55

You seem to communicate by text rather a lot and of course, because it is a terrible medium for discussing personal issues, there is a significant chance of miscommunication. I'm assuming you must have some idea about what he's referring to Daisy but if you're not going to talk to him tonight, you can't verify it can you?

This really does seem like a game of cat and mouse, not an adult relationship where so much is at stake, not least a baby. Sad

Thingumy · 08/03/2011 20:57

I agree wwifn.

I could not let this drag on for days.

I'm sure there is more behind this from both sides.

GoldenBeagle · 08/03/2011 21:02

He presumably means he will only indulge in sex exploration - sending texts, looking at websites, with Daisy present.

Daisy, I have read this whole thread over again (I have been reading since the beginning), and I have now looked at your other threads.

I think there is a completely innocent explanation for this and you are unpicking your life on the basis of the advice of people you don't know and who don't know you or your DP.

When you found the messages fom the porn sites, could you see that he had actively and recently added his details? Because any man who has ever dabbbled in looking at porn sites (and that's most of them) can tell you that once you have looked or joined up to one, you will be plagued for ages afterwards by extremely dodgy emails from woen advertising themselves, and that your details get shunted fom one site ot another - Data Protection isn't a feature of these small seedy, highly mobile sites. He could EASILY have been receiving this kind of spam from his former adventures.

Perfectly ordinary men also look at these sites out of curiosity.

The phone thing - well he was clearly fantasising about you, hardly the most awful crime, and sent the texts from his phone to his phone.

He stopped seeing his dodgy mates, he has bought a new cooker, you talk again and again about how good he is with your kids.

I just don't recognise this abusive, scheming, lying, gaslighting, blackmailing, deviant emotionally abusive pervert that has been purported on this thread.

Just tell him everything you found, how it made you feel, and talk to him, instead of talking about him with people who know neither of you.

I don't know how he can 'prove his innocence' of a crime you don't even know exists. He wants to talk about it but again you are declining to talk openly and fully with him.

I really hope it all works out.

GoldenBeagle · 08/03/2011 21:06

" he has some dark and possibly deep rooted sexual deviance that he has not yet fully shared/revealled and is terrified of what the revelation might do to your opinion of him."

Have I failed to notice that this thread is actually on the 'write a novel' board?

There is absolutely no evidence for ANY of that.

IngridBergmann · 08/03/2011 21:08

Bizarre text message and totally confusing however you look at it.

It still reminds me of that ex who didnt really want me back (or the baby) despite his protests to the contrary.

He garbled everything so it was ambiguous, because basically he was lying or at least operating on two conflicting levels, so like the liar who covers their mouth or makes a freudian slip, his brain won't let him speak clearly.

Just my experience.
He so doesn't know what he wants, and more importantly, neither do you, and he is nowhere near explaining ANY of it. I'm getting bored with him now and I wish one of you would just DO something.

But it's not my life or my thread so I'd better not say that Grin

Good luck, Daisy. You will certainly need it. How can you marry someone you don't even really know?

FuppyGish · 08/03/2011 21:09

I'm totally lost now Confused So is he saying he's been doing 'stuff' without you there then, if he's now saying he'll only do it with you there in future?

And if so, what 'stuff'??

Hope you find some peace and sleep tonight x

notalways · 08/03/2011 21:09

So glad you've shared with your midwife.

Looking positively at this, it has brought out just how important honesty within your relationship is. It might just bring your closer in the end.

Did you ask your midwife if there was any talking therapies available at your practice? It wouldn't do any harm for you to talk through your fears and worries about this pregnancy. It could also help combat stress.

Its such hard work being a working mum of two young kids never mind being pregnant with number 3. It can be stressful on its own without the addition of arse of an ex in the background causing problems never mind a wedding to plan. Your doing great.

Good luck

SlightlyJaded · 08/03/2011 21:16

Thingumy & Golden I don't think the sending yourself sex texts is that weird or 'dark'. I don't even think the looking at the websites thing is dark. Wrong, if you are in a committed relationship, but not dark.

BUT OP has stated that she thinks that there is more to it, and his reluctance to speak suggests that there might be also. Therefore I am speculating that the reason their converstaion is at statemate, is that there is 'other' stuff he is just not able to tell her.

IYSWIM

Probably terribly worded. Sorry.

coveredinyoghurt · 08/03/2011 21:32

I think notalways make some excellent points.

Daisy - I really think you should try and talk to someone in real life.

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