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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

315 replies

topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:39

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

OP posts:
SpawnChorus · 01/03/2011 14:40

I wonder if the expiry dates on the new missing condoms match the one in the bag?

OP - I think it's good that you've both booked into relationship counselling. Even if there's more to it than your DH is letting on, this is surely a good starting point. Wish you both the best.

CrossHotBun · 01/03/2011 14:56

Topiarygirl namedchanged for a quick post.I could have written your post four years ago.

Found condoms in suitcase, unopened pack, eventually came out that DH had been thinking about having a random fling but swore he chickened out etc. In DH'S case it was fantasy, midlife crisis, utter selfishness. It was also a major kick up the arse for him, if you'll excuse my language. He accepted total responsibilty for what happened.

I always assumed that I would have kicked DH out the door and I was shocked that I did not want to do this. That I was willing to forgive this very stupid mistake. The matter wasn't brushed under the carpet, it was dealt with.

It made both of us realise that our marriage and family were important and needed to be nutured. Four years on we have a very good relationship and I trust DH.

Everyone's marriage is different, I hope things work out for you one way or another.

EmmaBGoode · 01/03/2011 15:00

*"Lots of men DO buy prostitutes underwear... They also give them 'tips', buy them perfume, chocolates, flowers, jewellery. Pay for meals and drinks. Whilst being supposedly happily married.

It really is quite astonishing."*

Wow, Carmenelctra, it seems some men treat prostitutes better than they treat their wives!

Shirleywhirly · 01/03/2011 15:03

I think he bought those condoms on the way home.

Why were they not with the other one?

I'm joining everyone else on the gobsmacked bench.

My husband is supposedly a " genius " too. Still manages to keep his dick where it belongs however.

Did you pat him on the head and say, " Good boy!" when he told you he hadn't actually shagged anyone?

RitaLynn · 01/03/2011 15:07

As a complete total aside (but related to nurseblade's comments), many women need men (and vice versa) for completely financial reasons. Just try for example to buy a house and have a few children on one salary these days.

carmenelectra · 01/03/2011 15:11

Emma, yes you are right!!

Its only my new founded obsession interest in the postings of the deluded members of Punternet that have made me realise it is quite possible for men to lead totally double lives. And not feel the least bit guilty of it.

Mumi · 01/03/2011 15:17

caramelwaffle, I thought that was pretty obvious too.

As there is even a hint that you may be at risk, whether you believe him or not, you should get tested OP.

wantbabyNOW · 01/03/2011 15:19

OP, I hope you are not put off by some of these messages. People just don't want to see you make a mug of yourself. They genuinely do care.

mathanxiety · 01/03/2011 15:22

To echo what others have said:

'Once one has children there are higher priorities than one's pride' Pointissima, do you mean there are higher priorities than the H's pride or Topiary's pride here? Surely it is pure pride that keeps a man from dealing with ED in the context of his marriage? Surely (even if the curing the ED story is to be believed) it is pride that drove this H to plan his little fling or whatever it is that is going on here?

Topiary, you have your work cut out for you if he really was stunned. That is a shocking response. Your H's mind and heart are not where they should be. What kind of moron is stunned to hear his wife outline the potential consequences of adultery?

And he apparently still had the other two condoms? What was he planning to do with them if you hadn't found the third? The condom thing is too silly for words. He clearly hasn't thought out his story. "Look, honey, I still have the other two I haven't used them yet-- ." I mean really...

chippy47 · 01/03/2011 15:27

If he has got genuine erectile problems he would not be able to actually carry out the fantasy -but if it is just at home then there are emotional issues to factor in rather than just medical ones.
On the gobsmacked bench as well -if I did this to my DW I would be toast. Without actually doing anything the trust would have gone and that is essential in any partnership/marriage (conventional ones at least). I do not actually subscribe to the mid-life crisis theory - blokes like that just need to get a grip and accept the reality they have created for themselves and if they really need to change it without trashing the family dynamic and leaving a trail of devestation. As for being a wonderful genius - IQ is not a barometer of fidelity so should not be used as an excuse.

tadpoles · 01/03/2011 15:48

Why are these comments helpful to the OP?

I am not even slightly "gobsmacked".

Ignore the amateur dramatics brigade OP who just love to rub salt in the wound and whip up a fever of self-righteous indignation.

Also, very arrogant assumptions about the OP's partner's personality based on a few words written on the internet?

tadpoles · 01/03/2011 15:52

I happened to be talking to someone the other day who yeas ago worked as a receptionist in an escort agency in the city. The men who used the service were mainly city types - some very interesting stories indeed! Honestly, some of you lot need to get a bit of a reality check about what really goes on!

RitaLynn · 01/03/2011 15:57

I'm not saying it's good, but I remember someone talking about the office my father worked at, and was told "everyone's shagging everyone up there". I'm pretty sure my Dad never cheated on my Mum, but who knows (I'd bet he didn't because he's a great man, but it was going on where he worked)

Malificence · 01/03/2011 15:59

What, so we should all just be good, quiet little wifeys and accept that men are creatures led soley by their genitals and are not capable of fidelity, so we should stfu and stop moaning about it? Hmm

I think it's you who needs the reality check.

chippy47 · 01/03/2011 16:55

Agree with Malificence. I've done my time in London ,boys weekends and stag do's and a lot of what really goes on 'stays on tour'. Does not make it right -usually 2 camps -the drinkers and the RLD boys (red light district -beyond strippers and pole dancers etc). I am firmly in the former and so are my 'good' friends. The others can do what they like as I do not want to know about it nor care. Their lives their issues.

Mumi · 01/03/2011 18:05

tadpoles - "based on a few words written on the internet?".... plus decades of personal experience of partners with similar form, of course.

LadyBiscuit · 01/03/2011 18:07

And ROFL at tadpoles saying that she thinks that it's not remotely helpful to post 'arrogant assumptions about the OP's husband's personality' and then going on to post about the men she knows that use an escort agency.

And that is comforting to the OP how exactly??

PeterAndreForPM · 01/03/2011 18:21

this thread has outlived it's usefulness, IMO

in actual fact, it has all been a complete waste of time

because OP had already decided to value her nice home and material possessions over her self-respect and allow her "daft genius" of a deceitful husband to lie and make a complete mug of her < shrug >

fruitstick · 01/03/2011 18:37

I find these threads depressing. It's the equivalent if gathering in the playground shouting 'scrap, scrap, scrap'

Everyone is always so disappointed when the OP doesn't immediately file for divorce. Yes you may all have been married to shits who went on to behave much worse, but some people make mistakes and learn from them.

She is not valuing her possessions over her sf-respect, she I'd valuing her LIFE with her DH which may not be worth throwing away corvina mistake.

Surely everyone shouldn't abuse her for going to counselling before calling it a day Hmm

fruitstick · 01/03/2011 18:38

Please excuse shocking typing.

Chuffing iPhone corrective text!

PeterAndreForPM · 01/03/2011 18:46

Abuse her ?

get a grip, fruitstick.

the abuser here is her husband, if anyone

I consider infidelity (in an agreed monogamous relationship) to be a form of abuse

others may not, or consider turning a blind eye to it to be in their best interests

good luck to them, I say

personally, I measure my self respect much more highly than to let myself swallow utter bullshit like this bloke is spouting < shrug >

deburca · 01/03/2011 19:27

guys the op asked for advice, she doesnt have to take it but the holier than thous spouting about how much they would and wouldnt put up with need to catch themselves on. Its easy for you to say that, you arent in her boat, and even if you once were every person is different and handles things in a different way

honestly I know some of you are trying to help but some of you sound like absolute bully's

perfumedlife · 01/03/2011 19:28

Dear god, wake me up when we leave the 1950s Sad

What a sad state of affairs. If that's a genius, give me thick anyday.

deburca · 01/03/2011 19:36

how are some of these comments helpful? if she wants to believe him let her, she knows him, we dont.

running her down is helping her how? and please dont anyway try and tell me that they are saying these things hoping that she will suddenly have a light bulb moment. She is happy with her decision why try and make her feel shit about it?

PeterAndreForPM · 01/03/2011 19:45

bullies, eh ?

< yawn >

deburca, you are on the wrong thread...the one where everyone was complaining about bullies is still active somewhere,,,perhaps you could bump it ?