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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

315 replies

topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:39

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

OP posts:

romneymarsh · 01/03/2011 08:01

Good luck topiary I hope it all works out for you.

fruitstick · 01/03/2011 08:02

Am pleased he has realised the seriousness of the issue.

I hope it all works out for you both.

PeterAndreForPM · 01/03/2011 08:27

I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you and your "daft" DH

pointissima · 01/03/2011 08:33

God you lot are hard. Erectile problems are really miserable for men and I think a lot of them find it difficult to be open about them with their wives because they know that the whole thing is difficult for their wives. I'd be giving him the benefit of the doubt and working on putting things right as a couple. The OP has two small children who have a happy home and this is not worth wrecking a family over (even acknowledging of course that if it were to fall to bits it would not be the OP's fault).

Even if he did have a couple of "adventures", I would still be working at things for the time being. Once one has children there are higher priorities than one's pride

clam · 01/03/2011 08:45

"But, I clarified what would happen were he to have had sex outside of our relationship. He seemed stunned(!)"

Really? He hadn't considered that him shagging someone else might be an issue for you?

Well, I'm certainly stunned by that. Good luck.

nurseblade · 01/03/2011 09:02

What was the explanation for where the rest of the condom pack went? Did he just buy the one condom?

LindenAvery · 01/03/2011 09:07

'Once one has children there are higher priorities than one's pride' - Doesn't seem that the Op's OH thought much about this then.

Clam - spot on!

Original poster

topiarygal · 01/03/2011 09:15

Nurseblade, He brought the last 2 condoms home to show me (without me asking) - who know hey ...
Clam and LindenA - absolutely - as I said, genius but daft ...

OP posts:

dignified · 01/03/2011 09:16

I once experienced something similar , it was obvious something had gone on. When backed into a corner he admitted he,d had a one night stand but it was a one off , he didnt know her and therefore it didnt mean anything .

Id known for a while so was able to be quite calm. i said " Thank fuck for that . I think we shouldve discussed this ages ago and been open about it because ive often felt really guilty about the one night stands ive had ".

He was

It wasnt true , i hadnt ever done that , but every time i think back to it i

HiBarryScottHere · 01/03/2011 09:21

Once one has children there are higher priorities than one's pride

I'm not sure I agree with this, pointissima. Being a doormat sets a terrible example to one's children.

waterrat · 01/03/2011 09:26

'higher priorties than pride' All I can say is take some time to read the endless posts on here by people who have spent years in terrible relationships because of the example set by their own parents. ie. children who watched their mothers suffer and grew up and put up with abuse/ cheating/ endless misery themselves...

happyinherts · 01/03/2011 09:31

I think now is the time for us all to step back a bit.

The OP has spoken to him and maybe, just maybe, he realises what he has to lose. He appears to be wishing to seek counselling or medical help, and OP seems to be happy with this.

We've done our bit. We've advised, given our opinions, etc. Now I think we should wish them both the best of luck and hope that they can move on and keep a happy family life.

Good Luck, topiarygirl

LadyBiscuit · 01/03/2011 09:32

Good luck to you both topiarygal - hope you manage to come through the other side of this together

clam · 01/03/2011 10:22

"Genius, but daft?"
Not sure daft is the word I'd use, but hey. Not my marriage. Could easily have bought a new pack of identical condoms and produced "the last 2" from that.

Anyway, as happyinherts says, let's step back now and wish topiarygirl the best.

Nancy66 · 01/03/2011 10:40

I also think it's likely he just bought the 'missing' condoms on his way home.

But, hey, topiarygal, regardless of what really happened - hopefully your words will be what's needed to sort things out. Good luck to you.

EmmaBGoode · 01/03/2011 12:24

I think so too Nancy66. I would check the serial numbers against the original if I was the OP.

caramelwaffle · 01/03/2011 13:40

Topiary - you (or anyone) are playing a very dangerous game when playing "sweeping it all under the carpet" "understanding the infidelity" " forgiving an unrepentant philanderer" just to "keep" your life+style/ family "together" :you may very well find yourself dumped, regardless of what You desire.
The odds on this are HIGH, as with each assignation, your philandering husband develops feelings for someone else or enjoys more and more his "bachelor" lifestyle ( rubber-stamped by you)

Negotiate a new contract with your husband - total monogamy/open relationship/separation and good co-parenting ( your choice) but make sure it does include Your choices.

caramelwaffle · 01/03/2011 13:41

Dignified -

Mumi · 01/03/2011 13:48

My thoughts exactly Nancy66.

Clam - "Really? He hadn't considered that him shagging someone else might be an issue for you?"

I don't think he's at all stunned that she doesn't like it. He's stunned to realise that she will actually do something about it.

caramelwaffle · 01/03/2011 13:48

The very first thing that sprang to my mind was that the erectile dysfunction (past 6 months) would have co-incided very neatly with the start or development of a serious extra marital affair.

carmenelectra · 01/03/2011 14:04

To be honest I think that everyone should just butt out and let the OP get on with it. She doesnt want to hear what others are saying and she is Ok with his explanation.

Personally if my DP had ED Id want him to talk to me, not go off and try and shag a random woman(which would surely be worse for him????)to se if could sort it. And thats if he is even telling the truth. A telephone call would not have me buying all the tosh.

The thing is, some people have very different relationships to the rest of us, something that I think many mumsnetters can't comprehend(me included).

Whatever, now he has got the seed in his mind, hE WILL probably follow it through at some point.

He was probably planning an escort, not a casual pick up in a bar. hence, not being so worried about toning up, improving appearance etc

nurseblade · 01/03/2011 14:17

The thing is, some people have very different relationships to the rest of us, something that I think many mumsnetters can't comprehend(me included).

Agreed. There are women who are prepared to turn a blind eye to their husband's infidelity in return for keeping their nice house and lifestyle.

carmenelectra · 01/03/2011 14:22

Lots of men DO buy prostitutes underwear!(i know topiarygal did say it had been for her), stuff especially for them to wear for them. They also give them 'tips', buy them perfume, chocolates, flowers, jewellery. Pay for meals and drinks. Whilst being supposedly happily married.

It really is quite astonishing.

carmenelectra · 01/03/2011 14:23

nurseblade, you would never belive its the 21st century would you? That women are so reliant on men that they will put up with any shit.

nurseblade · 01/03/2011 14:28

Indeed, my mum was one of those women and I always thought it was a generational thing - that our generation would have better options and not have to put up with that. I think we do have better options now, some women just choose things that I personally wouldn't!

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