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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

315 replies

topiarygal · 28/02/2011 10:39

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

OP posts:
Katiekitty · 01/03/2011 19:53

Ok,OP, topiarygirl what you do now is get hold of the other two condoms and match the serial number to the third that you have. It'll be printed on the back of each condom and if they're from the same pack, it'll be the same.

Maybe ask him where the box is? Check his bank statements/look for a receeipt for a recent 'chemist goods' purchase today or yesterday that might match him buying a pack of three to appease you here?

They should match if they came out of the same box

Go and do it now

And good luck, sorry, it seems like you've already forgiven him and are busy hoping for a nice outcome already. It won't end in your favour, trust me

Sunflower38 · 01/03/2011 19:56

I think I've missed something.. if the condom was found in the bag, was he carrying the other two around in his pocket since he got back??

FlorencesMachine · 01/03/2011 19:59

The other two had come from a shop.

If I were a man, and had bought a condom (minimum pack of three) and put one in a bag, changed my mind as the OP's DH did, I would have binned the other two condoms.

Sunflower38 · 01/03/2011 20:00

Surely the three would be together as he didnt use any of them... it doesnt make any sense at all :(

Sunflower38 · 01/03/2011 20:02

Ah, Florences, you are saying the other 2 are from a different pack? Sorry, bit slow today. I agree. There is no reason in the world to separate them. :(

FlorencesMachine · 01/03/2011 20:03

Sorry, I didn't make that clear. Yup, I think the other two are from another pack (one of which was binned).

There's no way he would have carried the other two around

sincitylover · 01/03/2011 20:05

I think that too many people get over invested in threads and think that their dogma is the right dogma.

It reminds me of my RL friend who came round on Sat - we chat about everything and anything and she's black and white - full of x should do this and y should do that.

Im more of the school of enabling someone to come to their own decision about things - with honest discussion and yes that can be more frustrating and playing the long game but is more fruitful and empowering tbh

JMHO

FuppyGish · 01/03/2011 20:05

Sunflower - exactly my thoughts, why would the one be in the bag but the other 2 be whereever op's dh 'magicked' them from? Confused Surely they would all have been together?

Sorry op, I know you want to move forwards, fair enough, but maybe you should just check the serial numbers/dates match first.

Sunflower38 · 01/03/2011 20:12

Sincity - I hear you but Iam personally not berating the woman for wanting to believe her husbadnd. I think for most people reading this thread it is a case that his story sounds riciculous.

Obviously it is the OP's marriage and her life and her choice how (and with who) she chooses to live it.

mathanxiety · 01/03/2011 20:40

Sunflower, yes he was apparently carrying them around (or that's what he told the OP he was doing) and he offered that as some sort of proof that he hadn't used them, hence my remark "Look, honey, I still have the other two I haven't used them yet-- ." Not a thorough thinker-through of his story is this genius.

So he had bought three condoms and one was found, but he still had the other two, presumably with the intent to use them if the third hadn't been discovered.

Methinks he is hoist by his own petard here...

MooMooFarm · 01/03/2011 20:42

My problem with threads like this one is the pattern it always seems to follow - OP posts about some horrible discovery she's just made re her partner & loads of really helpful, supportive posts follow, giving varied advice.

As the story unfolds, if OP decides she's not going to chuck her husband out, for whatever reason, she starts getting slated; called a 1950's housewife, a doormat, materialistic, etc etc...

Clearly most MNers believe that if a husband has stepped out of line there are no second chances. But isn't that for the OP to decide? Surely the role of a forum like MN is to offer support to other women, whatever their choices and decisions - not to slate them and demand they dump their husband?

MooMooFarm · 01/03/2011 20:43

And yes as it goes, I agree that the story is is pretty suspect. But if the OP wants to give it another go, what give us the right to slate her?

PeterAndreForPM · 01/03/2011 20:44

who has demanded she dump her husband ?

Sunflower38 · 01/03/2011 20:51

This carrying around malarchy is ridiculous. What, he had to have two ready to hand in case he met someone on the way home so made sure to separate them. Come on :(

I am finding this really upsetting because it is so blatantly unbelievable.

So much more likely he used the other two and was too damn tight to bin the third one, lest he wanted it for his next business trip :(

MooMooFarm · 01/03/2011 20:51

So you don't think she should then? You think she should stay with him?

perfumedlife · 01/03/2011 20:51

moomoo, absolutely its for the op to decide whether to buy his lines or not. It's equally for posters to feel free to offer their honest reactions to the story, ungarnished.

I don't flatter myself that any poster will do as I say, nor should the posters who say otherwise. Free speech works to allow voices of dissent.

It presents a truer record of how the thread has been viewed, if nothing else.

Sunflower38 · 01/03/2011 20:53

Moomoo - it is an internet discussion forum. No one can make the OP do anything. She doesn't even have to continue reading if she doesn't want to.

perfumedlife · 01/03/2011 20:53

And for the record, I would dump him for insulting my intelligence rather than the almost shag he never had.

mathanxiety · 01/03/2011 20:54

I don't think anyone has said dump him. Some people have pointed out that there is a strong smell of rat.

There is a lot to be gained from checking dates and serial numbers, checking phone records and financial records. It is very sensible to advise checking. It is also very sensible to advise going for std tests.

There is possibly a lot to be gained by going to counseling, but from experience I think I can say that lies and deceit sometimes hurt a lot more than the actual cheating. It's important to know that the counseling effort is going to be based on both of them focusing on the relationship and both of them being committed to it. A man who is genuinely surprised that his wife would outline consequences for future cheating does not sound to me like a good candidate for that sort of focus or that sort of commitment.

clam · 01/03/2011 20:55

There's nothing to be served by topiary checking the serial numbers of the condoms because she doesn't want to know.

She's fully aware how this all looks, but is choosing to believe her H and maintain the status quo. 1950s or not, that's her choice. It must be tempting to opt to cling to a dodgy explanation of his actions if it means she can carry on as normal. The fact that some of us couldn't do that is irrelevant really. She asked for advice, people obliged, their comments have cemented in her mind her course of action, and I suspect she's not participating in the thread anymore.

For the time being.

Sunflower38 · 01/03/2011 20:56

I don't smell a rat... I smell a rhino :(

Sunflower38 · 01/03/2011 20:57

Yes, agree clam. The situation has been discussed and resolved.

perfumedlife · 01/03/2011 20:58

The fact someone is not ready to hear does not mean it doesn't need to be said.

clam · 01/03/2011 20:59

Until the next time. Sad

MooMooFarm · 01/03/2011 20:59

Ok well then I really hope this was just a one off mistake of her H; that the counselling works and that she doesn't need to come back on this subject.

Does that make me an optimist or just naive re all those bastard men out there? (I suspect I know the answer I'll get)

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