found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

[topiarygal]

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

MooMooFarm...now you could be accused of being very black and white here

Mine, and every dissenter's voice on this thread has been to say "do not believe that pile of horseshit, your husband is a deceiver"

nobody has said she "must leave him"

I am saying he is lying, and if not acknowledged and addressed, he is likely to do it again

at no point have I said the only option is to leave him

Fair enough PeterAndre, maybe that was just the way I read it then.

Best of luck, OP.

I don't understand why people are outraged at your assessment of the situation and what is best for you and your family.

If you prefer to see the best in a man you love and potentially overlook a dalliance you can't prove because the truth would have devastating consequences, then that is up to you.

It doesn't sound like you feel disresected or miserable.

There is clearly an issue here and I hope you can get it sorted through counselling.

Don't really wish to resurrect all this again, but it keeps preying on my mind. This underwear wrapping.... am just trying to put myself in the position of discovering some black tissue with gold logo in my DH's bag, panicking about it and jumping to the conclusion the OP did...... before remembering that it had been a gift for me?????
Surely you'd remember such wrapping, and the gift inside??

Presumably she did remember it, how else would she have known what it was?

When I see empty wrapping paper I can rarely tell what it used to contain.

Top

Lots to think about here, perhaps he is lying, maybe he isn't...

You have decided to try and mend your relationship and I really wish you the best of luck. It can work.

I know this thread must feel harsh at times but please do not hesitate to come back. I hope you come back to tell us how well (although painful ) it is going so we can all rejoice, if on the other hand you want help and support...well I know you will find that here too.

x

"ROFL at tadpoles saying that she thinks that it's not remotely helpful to post 'arrogant assumptions about the OP's husband's personality' and then going on to post about the men she knows that use an escort agency."

Not what I wrote - you wrote that - not me -

no doubt you know loads of men that use escort agencies - please provide us with the details - can't wait...!

Maybe I will be "gobsmacked" - yeah!

What i really, really hate on here in people who post that mumsnetters are bullies.

Now people choose to post their private business on a forum. They ask for advice. Advice is given in bucketloads. Then there is some smart alec who pops up and sayss 'there , there dear, don't listen to them'.

What most of the posters on here do is give the advice according to what they would do. No one is forcing anyone or bullying anyone to do anything>

When i post an opinion its exactly theway I would do it with a real life friend.

If someone I knew told me the story that the OP has given then I would say 'well if it were me, I wouldnt believe him or trust him, but you do what you like love'.

What exactly is the right thing to say in these situations. Ah poor bloke, you can work it out blah blah. Why would anyone lie when asked for an opinion or advice.

The OP, like most other people who start these threads, never really has any intention of doing anything. Perhaps some posters just get too involved and this is what gives mumsnetters the label of being a bully or 'vicious'.

To be honest if expecting fidelity and honesty and respect in a long term relationship or marriage and wanting him out if he betrays me makes me a bully then yes I m one.

Sometimes wwhe reading this stuff i struggle to believe that I am living in the 21st century.

< applauds carmen >

I would say exactly the same thing in RL too, and no-one has ever said they resented my advice

the key is, you see, is to give advice when it is asked for

I don't march around giving it out, but if someone asks for my opinion, I give a truthful one, based on my rather chequered and varied life

a bully ? so be it...

Oh I guess that tadpoles is another closet punternet member/supporter.

I am not one of those naive women who doesn't know what goes on in escort agencies.

In fact I know the score exactly. Which is the precise reason that I would not believe or put up with any shit someone souted to me.

You post was meant to be more helpful than all the other comments was it?

Thnks PeterAndre, it really pisses me off!

Are we meant to lie when giving advice on here? lol

She asked for our opinions, we gave them. She doesn't like them or chooses to ignore them then that's her prerogative.

This place has never been about telling people only what they want to hear.

Gawd, no

Alhough there does seem to be a depressing number of women who would advocate that a woman STFU where her husband's deceit and maltreatment of her is concerned

Oh I wouldn't worry, tadpoles in the past has gone out of his way to spout abuse at me in a thread they hadn't already contributed to.

I am also one of them one that can't stand twatty men, he even told me to "belt up". Don't pay them any attention. Usual shit.

But no I agree, people ask for advice then moan it's not what they wanted to hear, or just ignore it, their choice, but why bother.

PM, noone is really suggesting he STFU or accept it, and people have offered practical advice. But people are saying she shouldn't be called a fool for not throwing him out immediately.

Eh? No, I don't know any men that use escort agencies tadpole, but it seems a bit whiffy to me that you derided a lot of other posters for projecting and then immediately followed it up with a tale of your friend who works for an agency and how you wouldn't believe the clients. If you're trying to make the OP feel better, I'm pretty sure that your second post failed big time.

Ah tadpoles is a man! It's all become clear now>

Definite Punternet shite.

She's not a fool for not throwing him out immediately but I'm afraid I do think she's a fool if she's buying his highly suspicious, bullshit story.

She can stay married to him without having to swallow his lies.

emmy , to be fair, the OP isn't even moaning at the advice she has been given. She has made her choice...up to her. She hasn't listened to a word that's been said, mind, but that's her lookout

it's the "MN'ers are bullies" brigade who are trying to prove a point

it isn't working

fruitstick ...could you please find the quote that says "you are a fool if you don't throw him out immediately" ?

it must have passed by my eagle eye..

Each to their own I think.
I love my marriage because I trust and love my husband and it is reciprocated.
I love my marriage because I know that me and my DH have faced problems in the past but we have talked them through (again and again )
I love my marriage because I know that whilst both myself and DH can cock up we ultimately respect each other and don't deliberately hurt each other.
I love my marriage because we have honesty, love and mutual respect.
I love my husband because of the vows we made to each other. WE didn't take them lightly.
I love my marriage, but I love my children more. My DH knows this. I know that I would cope without him if he behaved like an arse. He knows this too. He wouldn't though. Becuase he is a decent man.
but thats just me. Thats what marriage means to me.

Came home with the other 2 condoms to show you? That is so ridiculous it makes the whole thread sound like a wind up. By the way, condoms also come in packs of 5, 10, 12 etc.!!

So if this story of testing out on someone was true, what about the woman on the other side of this random shag? Unless it was to be a prostitute or someone with an arranged meet off a casual shag site a la illicit encounters, he would need to chat up a women and presumably lie to her to get her in to bed - how is it OK for him to plan that someone's feelings are "collateral damage" for him fixing his ED?

..and how could anyone be so cool about their H considering he'd be able to get it up for someone else when he can't get it up for them?

He is cheating OP, the chances of that not being the case are so low.

However if you are willing to just accept this and pretend it isn't happening (and I can see why if you like the rest of your life) at the very least get yourself tested for STDs and I would also be insisting on protected sex only, well scratch that I wouldn't be having sex with someone I thought was cheating, but if you are going to shag him make sure you don't catch anything.

I get why you want to believe him, really I do, I can imagine myself wanting to believe my DH in the same circumstances, but you and your kids are worth more.

Basically even if he is telling you the truth, the best case scenario is that he tried to cheat on you and just couldn't pull? And he thinks this is a good story? What is he covering up that makes that sound like the better option?

Bizzare

Op I hope this turns into a lovely new chapter in your life. I've only read your comments and not the replies as after years on here I know what has been said. Do not let them change your mind. You know your dp and what you want. Whilst it cones from not wanting you to suffer, normally what they have suffered, you are quite right to try to fix this. I believe people make mistakes and it is what they do after that that makes all the difference. I can also predict that you have had some horrible thongs said to you again please ignore.