found a condom and underwear wrapping paper

[topiarygal]

in his overnight bag when he stops over in london for work. Married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 6,just rebuilt our home. Thought it was all good. Maybe it's not. I've called him to ask - he sounded mortified and said it must have been ours from ages ago (condom runs out of date June '15 - we've not used one for over 6 years). Our sex has been crap for the last 6 months; he's gone from being a randy beast to not getting it up. I now think this is guilt when he's with me. So I'm pretty sure something's been going on. What would you do, keep stum or force a conversation? I don't know if I want to know; or if I can bear not knowing and always suspecting. Ugh, help!

I disagree

I don't think OP knows her husband at all

OP, I can see that you want to normalise this situation - but do remember that you caught this man out - he didn't come to you and admit he was having these thoughts/ desires. He didn't give you the chance to work through these issues with him.

He has been living a lie - and I agree with WWIFN earlier, who pointed out that you have chosen deliberately to confront him by text because you may not have actually wanted the truth - did you want to ensure you didn't catch him out?

Look at it this way - it isn't good for either of you if you allow him to be dishonest - the relationship will be built on shifting sands. You DO care about his behaviour or you wouldn't have been posting on here.

He was aimlessly hoping for a random shag? It just sounds so unlikely - and what makes me sad about your post was where you said that one of your options was 'nag and disbelieve him'..as though you are the one in the wrong, for doubting a man who has been discovered lying to you.

It's not needling away at someone to want to get to the truth. Maybe you don't want to rock the boat, but if you ignore this situation, the boat might sink anyway, at a later date...

I don't think it's him that needs counselling, I think it's both of you - together and individually.

topiary, believe me when I say I think I know how much you want everything to be ok with the man and the family you love. I am going through something similar, with a man I would never ever in a million years have suspected until it all blew up in my face.
But to have any chance at all of this working out, if that's what you want, he has to be completely honest with you, or you are doomed. You might have to go through shitty dark times in order to come out the other side, or whatever the issue is will never go away. You cannot paper over this. You both need to have the courage to face up to the truth. And like everyone else, I'm sorry, I don't think that's happening yet.

Just wanted to know how OP feels she would cope in the future should it materialise that her H had cheated.

I know from my experience that when I suspected my ex of cheating but had no proof I lived for maybe 18 months in a state of turmoil. Checking pockets, his car, bills etc. asking him over again and he denied everything.

My state of mind was shot at.

So if OP has proof and he admits it, how will she deal with the suspicion, fear, doubts that he may do it again despite his promises to the contrary should they be forthcoming.

How can you trust again?

Usually when men's libido changes dramatically, it is because they are ill, tired, or having an affair - they either want loads of sex with you as well as the OW (often out of guilt with you) or they don't want sex at all with their wives/partners -out of guilt or because they are getting it elsewhere.

You have to be honest and ask what has been going onfor 6 months.

How far are you from London? Near enough for a regular meeting with another woman, or the odd one-night stand?

I can see that you might have texted and phoned as you wanted an answer NOW- but was it to avoid seeing his face? Only you know.

I hear everything others have said about how can you feel sorry for him- but I can also see how a guy who is impotent or has ED might stupidly want to prove he is still man enough by taking a chance away from home. It's not mature or sensible behaviour- but not all men are mature and sensible! if he is utterly depressed about his performance and afraid to see a dr or talk about it, this could be his way of coping.

You need to talk to him.

Sorry but it is extremely rare for a man who is married or in a longterm relationship to try to resolve issues of ED by looking for a sexual relationship with another woman. His 'story' does not add up and I agree with other posters who think he is spinning a tale here - one that it appears he is getting away with because of what YOU have posted about not wanting to rock the boat.

Linden- just out of interest- how do you know that?

Leave the OP alone- she's happy to believe her Dh so leave it. All this man bashing will do nothing.

She's happy with her life, his explanation, the way he treats her.

OP if I were you I'd carry on as you were but I'd seriously advise you if you were a friend of mine to not have sex with him unless you have a condom on.

The Nile's very nice this time of year too.

Bon chance.

lol at this thread

by post 10 poor sod was hung drawn and quartered without uttering a word

then when OP says she has spoken to him and understands why he did it the disappointment that there wont be a lynching today is palpable, it jumps off the page lol

then the usual suspects try and whip up the OP into a frenzy, getting more and more desperate for her to "chuck im aht, cos he's a barstard innit"

lol

'Lighthearted, no-issue sex'.

Allowing him this because the pair of you have a child who causes stress and because you have been derelict in your wifely duties -- you might as well tell him playing away is ok, Topiarygal.

Only you can decide if it is or not, but you need to find out the truth before you can decide. It is not right for him to tell you any sort of lie here, because he takes away your power and your right to decide if he lies. I don't think anyone can live for long wondering if a decision they have made, even a decision through inertia, was the right one. Suspicion is corrosive and it rears its ugly head even if you think you have successfully swept it under the rug. It may be a lot to take in right now but there will come a time when you will want to know what exactly is going on; there may come a time when the trust between you becomes a huge issue.

Is sex such a chore to you that you feel relieved when he isn't so hot and heavy?

Go through every single financial record you can lay your hands on for the last 6 to 12 months. Go through any laptop he has or the family computer if he ever uses it. Go through his phone.

It is most unlikely that this happened out of the blue given the last six months.

janiesmum so if it was your DH behaving this way, you wouldn't be bothered?

Oh no, janiesmum. He's a real love. We would all love a man who loved us enough to buy condoms and pack them because he had decided he would like to have sex with someone else. He didn't know who, he wasn't sure how, maybe not when, but by god he was keeping those condoms handy because he had already decided and planned to screw someone behind my back.

Where oh where oh where can we all find such a man.

Do me a favour.

If the OP is happy, then fair enough. Good luck to her. But don't try to suggest there is something wrong with the posters who think the husband is not very nice.

Well said Hecate

After all, the OP asked for advice, she has been given it in bucket loads.

What she does with that is up to her, no-one is challenging that.

This is her life, not ours. Posters are just saying how they'd feel in her shoes.

No need for the man hating remark either, janiesmum

Most people are just trying to share their own experiences with topiary.

Exactly, he's either a. mentally challenged, or b. a completely selfish tosser.

If the OP is intent on keeping the family together at all costs , then surely it's better to adopt a don't ask/don't tell stance and just keep her head firmly in the sand?

The point everyone is making Topiary (of course there are some exceptions) is that this man was prepared to risk a lot that presumably he holds as dearly as you do in order to cure his ED.

(What is the point of curing your ED if you eventually come home to a house from which your wife and children have departed? Or if 'home' means a bedsit because your wife occupies the house with the children until it can be sold? Ironic to say the least.)

He was willing to risk a lot in order to get a few minutes of lighthearted, issue-free sex.

Was it so important to him that he was willing to risk his marriage, his children's happy family, his home and lifestyle and the home and lifestyle of his children and that of the woman who bore him those children?

If so, why? And yes, it was apparently, so why?

What does your relationship mean to him, is what it boils down to. What are his priorities?

CR - from previous HCP/counselling role. However am willing to modify post in that it is extremely rare in my experience for a man who is married or in a longterm relationship who has been monogamous to try to resolve ED by seeking a sexual relationship elsewhere - will that do?

Horrible to raise i know , but please think about getting yourself tested op .

Second that advice.

ok Linden- rare, but not impossible.

dignified...good advice...it was also raised near the beginning of the thread

we all know that condoms are not 100% protection against all STI's

You said:

I have to believe in 'good' to believe that my son will survive his allergies. If I get cynical I struggle.

OP this is the crux. However good you are (or how fervently you believe in the abstract power of good) it will NOT mean that fate/God/the Universe will reward and protect you. Bad stuff happens, however good you are.

I can udnerstand with a sick child - and I'm sorry to read that you have this to deal with too - you may get into the bargaining thing.

But really, it will get you nowhere in dealing with your disrespectful, cowardly husband, however genius, thoughtful,lovely and rich he is.

My husband had a terrible labido in the last 6 months of our marriage, and had erectile problems - so it seemed. He was actually having an affair and also fairly convincingly fooled me too that he wasn't Gaslighted me so much in the last few months of our marriage. So for me this thread rings alarm bells. I hope the talk goes well and he's honest with you.

I know how you feel, as I was in a similar situation once.

My husband lost his wedding ring on a stag weekend about 10 months after we were married .

It had been a rough start to our marriage as we found out my Mum's cancer was terminal when we got back fro honeymoon. She died a few months later (I was only 28) and obviously it affected me a good deal.

DH was on a stag weekend and they had gone to a nightclub. Some of the men took their rings off and DH went along with it - and it got lost.

He was mortifed, obviously, but I never doubted his story. He is not the cheating type (terrible with women ). He said that he had found dealing with me after my mother's death really stressful and just needed a release from it and to feel 'free' for a while.

I was heartbroken. Heartbroken that the person I thought I could rely on wanted to escape from me, even hypothetically for a few hours. I felt like all my faith in him had been shaken. I felt sure he couldn't cheat on me but, until then, I had also felt sure he would never remove his ring in a nightclub.

We had a rough couple of weeks and did a lot of talking. He knew exactly the damage he had done and exactly what he had risked losing. But we are still married 10 years later.

You know your husband, and if you believe him, then you believe him and we are in no position to comment.
However, this does not let him off the hook, nor the fact that he didn't cheat, or that he wouldn't cheat.
You don't want to feel that the only reason your husband isn't cheating is because he was unsuccessful.

It reflects a problem in your marriage which you do need to sort out and talk through. It's not going to get better by sweeping it under the carpet.

Good luck.

This thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1126829-condom-in-pocket-Were-here-again may have useful advice.

So we talked. He knows that he has done a terrible thing. His story is, in my daft DH way, plausible. But, I clarified what would happen were he to have had sex outside of our relationship. He seemed stunned(!)He's agreed he is rubbish at talking and that thinking that a quick shag would sort our sex life out was insane. He's booking us into counselling and we'll just have to take it from there.

Thanks for the home truths, it really helped me ask the right questions last night. Now pls keep your fingers crossed for us
tx