condom in pocket. We're here again.

[worriedbee]

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

• the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.
  

• there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.
  

• he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess
  

• he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)
  

• he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way
  

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger.

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

[worriedbee]

Do think I am being naive to think anything but the worst?

[TheVisitor]

I think you are going to have to ask him exactly why there's a condom in his pocket. There's no need for him to have one there. You can either stew and seethe silently or bring it into the open. The former isn't healthy.

[LemonDifficult]

Oh dear

Sorry, but I think your instinct is probably right. And I think you should challenge him. You must, for your own self respect.

[worriedbee]

The problem is we've been here before. I've accused him of cheating - or said I'm worried about it - 3 times before.

The first time I was right (basically he had considered it but not acted on it, if he's to be believed) and the other two times I was off the mark (again if he's to be believed).

I just don't feel I can accuse him again without more evidence, without looking like a paranoid jealous idiot. And I went out with one of them, and it really wasn't fun.

[Catsmamma]

I'd probably keep schtuum and gather more evidence tbh....I don't think it looks good as it is now.

[compo]

Well you've got loads of reasons for it being innocent so I'd wait and see
although you clearly don't trust him so maybe the relationship is over anyway

[worriedbee]

Thanks for your replies, people, it really helps to talk it over.

[bronze]

Sadly I suspect your instincts are right. I would have to go evidence searching in your position

[FanjolinaJolie]

I'd be looking for more evidence.

Was the text from someone you know? Name saved in the phonebook or just a number?

If you have accused him before and been wrong better to address the issues in your relationship as it sounds like you don't trust him at all.

[worriedbee]

The first time I was right. He took a condom from our supply on a work do. He didn't actually use it but the intent was there. That destroyed my trust, and I've accused him (apparently wrongly) a couple of times since.

I don't know the person - a work colleague.

[poshsinglemum]

How much more eveidence do you need? Just say; ''look a found a condom and this message. Now convince me you aren't cheating'' It's quite incriminating. he needs to explain it. Mind you; he's probably got some half baked explanation at the ready and will berate you for snooping. sorry.

[poshsinglemum]

He took a condom on a work do. hmmmm. i would suspect the worst too I'm afraid. What an idiot he is.

[lottiejenkins]

You say "again" are you the poster who found a condom wrapper behind the bedside cabinet and couldnt remember your husband and you using it???

[SudalivefromHMP]

He took a condom on a work do predicting he might have sex with someone else and the only thing that stopped him using it was the lack of opportunity.


Tell him to re-arrange this well known phrase



you off fuck twat

[sungirltan]

write the number down the text came from. just in case you need more evidence.

confront him

[FanjolinaJolie]

I'd put the condom back were you found it and wait it out.

Mark it with a tiny pen dot or similar and see if it disappears or goes back into your home supply.

You say you have been getting on well but TBH it reads like your relationship is on very shakey ground.

Have you thought about counselling?

[WingDad]

I end my texts to all my male friends (I'm male) with an x, as do all of my friends. I dunno why, it's just the done thing! Doesn't mean I want to kiss them haha.

It's quite common apparently.

[worriedbee]

That's not me lottie, if you search this name you'll find the last sorry saga.

[worriedbee]

Unfortunately I found it in the washing, so if I leave it there, there it will stay!

[lottiejenkins]

Sorry.............

[worriedbee]

"I end my texts to all my male friends (I'm male) with an x, as do all of my friends. I dunno why, it's just the done thing! Doesn't mean I want to kiss them haha."

I agree. I put kisses on the end of most of my texts, and I don't want to kiss all my mates either!

It was more the content of the text - i.e. thanks for a great time, kind of thing.

[worriedbee]

No worries. Like I said it's good to talk it over. It's helping me get my thoughts straight.

[worriedbee]

"you off fuck twat"

if we were in our 20s, footloose and fancy free, then that would be much more likely my response. But we've got a young DC, a house together, and he's (mystery condoms aside) a lovely, lovely man and a great dad. I'm not going to chuck it away without concrete proof.

[Hassled]

The thing is whether you find evidence or not, this isn't boding well for a long and happy future together, is it? You don't trust him, quite reasonably, and it looks like you're finding it bloody hard to regain the trust (again, quite reasonably). Maybe you'll get through this episode, but there will be a next time and a next time and you'll get more and more unhappy.

I don't know what the solution is - Relate, maybe? But you have to ask yourself if you want to still be feeling like this in 20 years' time.

[LemonDifficult]

Bee, do you feel able to get someone to call the number? Maybe another bloke?

They could something like - hello, is that Alice?

No

Who's that? You called my phone, I've got a missed call. Is that Alice? Who is this?

(And then at this point she hopefully says her name).

Or even better, it rings out and you get her name off the answer message. Once you have a name you can find out who it is and start your evidence gathering there if you wanted. Or google the number, that sometimes works (apparently!)