For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

[poshsinglemum]

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

Nope, jealousy is not natural. Some people are really not bothered about monogamy - often people who are simply interested, passionately interested, in something other than romantic/sexual relationships. TO make an open relationship work, though, you have to have good communication and goodwill towards each other - it won't last if one partner is mainly interested in shagging lots of other people as a way of winding up the other partner. Or indeed if one or both are point-scoring.
PSM if you yourself are prone to jealousy and insecurity then don't enter into an open relationship - it will make you miserable, just the same as trying to have a straight relationship when you are gay, or vice versa, will make you (and anyone else involved) miserable. But the thing is with jealousy and insecurity: you have to fix them yourself. Obsessive controlling of a partner's behaviour will not cure a jealous person; being indulged makes the jealous person worse.

poshsinglemum: didnt you have a thread on here last week which after lots of people giving time/advise etc got removed as hoax thread ??? Opologies if I have the wrong person but I dont think I do.

I think that the people who don't think jealousy is natural are the unnatural ones.

I think I would say jealousy (not insecurity) is a pretty natural condition for most people, as evidenced by the way people behave and have behaved for centuries.

Insecurity, curiosity and possessiveness can often be disguised as jealousy. Or mistaken for jealousy. But they are not the same thing, and can often be dealt with. Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, but especially non-monogamous ones.

I used to be in a non-monogamous relationship. I gave it a good go (a year) and eventually cracks on both sides started to show and I ended it. It was definitely hard to deal with sometimes. But my partner at the time was very good about telling me whatever I wanted to know, at the level I was comfortable with, and getting me to do the same.

The single most prevalent emotion that drives jealousy is fear; and mostly that fear is deep-seated, based on the fear of the infant of losing the parent. If, in these circumstances, you deal with that primal fear, then the jealousy is dealt with. Doesn't mean that you'll automatically embrace polyamory though - some people are built for it, and some aren't imo.

Monogamy isn't natural in the least. If it was natural, it wouldn't need to be evangelised so much or so brutally enforced (yes, I said brutally - some people honestly think that a breach of monogamy justifies violence and even murder).
That doesn;t mean monogamy is bad if you enjoy it and have found a partner to enjoy it with - just that, along with football, religion or vindaloo, not everyone is going to be as keen on it as you are, and not liking monogamy doesn't make you a bad person.

Monogamy is natural to me.

But would say i'm not a naturally jealous person.
I'm quite comfortable with DP having female friends of his own.

I do trust him.

SGB, just out of interest - do you and your partner have other partners who are also in polyamorous relationships or are they sometimes single? What I'm trying to find out is if these other people at first don't understand where you are coming from and think that you and your partner are being deliberately "unfaithful" to your primary other half? Does that make sense? It must take a lot of explaining.
I too think that monogamy is not necessarily natural for everyone but that society does not support another way of being. In my case rather than being non-monogamous, I would like to easily separate from dh and be able to co-parent amicably without any of the attendant trauma and pain of divorce which seems to be par for the course. A whole lifetime with the same person unless you are exceptionally in love and compatible seems too much to ask for.

Sorry, deviating from original question to do with jealousy. I would be very jealous and could not share a partner. Also not sure what it would be like sleeping with your partner when you knew they had slept with someone else say that week? Would feel a little strange but maybe truly developed people realise that they can love / care for, more than one person. And that in fact nobody "belongs" to anybody else.

Out of interest - I'm not remotely jealous of my dh - we have a crap relationship - I'd be happy if he met someone who he actually liked/respected. I am also not jealous of poeple who are richer/better job ect I have no idea if it's my character of a product of my very bad relationship with dh. But I don't ever remember being jealous of others.

I personally would love an open relationship.

I also have not really felt jealousy..of, lovers or friends.

Liars and manipulations upset and annoy me and I have been inspired to aspire higher when friends get promotions etc because I realised they had done something I wanted to do.

I too would love an open relationship, not for all ...but it is for some...

How is jealousy not natural?
Children get jealous, even animals get jealous.
Jealousy is a natural emotion, just like love and hate, it's how you deal with those feelings that count.
I for one understand perfectly what drives someone to kill out of jealousy.

Jealousy may be natural for some, but not to all. We also experience emotions differently....

I can never understand how anyone could kill for jealousy. That seems unbelievably tragic and unnecessary.

I think I joke about jealousy, i.e she's young very pretty and a nice person....hate her! :)

I have been hurt by loved ones behaivour with other people but that's different and it's not jealousy it's disgust, disapointment and heart break (talking about affairs obviously).

I've coveted friends "stuff" really nice house, car or something but i'm pleased for them having it so I don't think thats jealousy either.

It's a negative emotion,I don't think i've ever wished I was anyone but me, perhaps me 10lbs lighter

Tangled, aren't those emotions you describe actually envy (ie covetousness, wanting what others have).

Jealousy is when you want to protect your partner from the attentions of other (think of a dog jealously guarding it's owner).

I suppose if you are not into monogomy then that itself means you are not jealous if someone you are with is with other people too.

because you don't believe in monogomy, it would be impossible to be jealous, surely?

• I'm just guessing. I DO believe in monogomy. Purely because I'm an ego-maniac and I have to be the centre of all things and I have no confidence (yes, an ego maniac with low self esteem. Beat that! ) and I would torture myself with thoughts that he thought I was hideous, compared.

I am single and have been for years, however my last two or three relationships were monogamy-free. I have always (well for a good 20 years) been upfront with anyone I shag about the fact that monogamy isn't on offer, nor is it expected. Sometimes people in open relationships feel a bit of jealousy, but you just acknowledge the feeling and let it go (sorry for what sounds like utter hippywank there but can't think of a better way to put it). Sometimes someone is behaving selfishly or spitefully and you need to talk about it. I do know plenty of people who make monogamy-free living work just fine. My own personal position is that mostly I am simply not bothered who is shagging who. I've got better things to think about (my life simply doesn;t revolve around romantic/sexual relationships). THe only things in that area that upset me or annoy me is when someone is either being really thoughtless or actively trying to cause hurt.

I was very jealous. Last year wehn we went to a wedding and a very beautiful woman that dh had known when he was very young was telling him how she had always found him very attractive and had often wondered .....
I said to dh the next day that although I hadn't said anything at the time, I had felt very threatened by her.
I THINK, this relates to realrabbits last post, on feelings of possession. He is MY husband and I love him very much.

I get jealous about some things, well mainly one when friends have loads of support from family with their dcs and get to go away on weekends etc. I feel so bitter and resentful about our lack of support (although it's improving slowly) that I almost get eaten up inside. This is partly fuelled by the fact I had horrendous PND following the birth of dd (4) who had horrendous colic and my Mum did sweet FA to help. The hurt and abandonment when she point blank refused to take dd out even for an hour or so changed the way I felt about her forever.

I'm not jealous remotely of DH, some friends even think I'm abnormally so, too cool about things. But i genuinely don't care. We are monogomous because I feel we've been forced into it by society. I've come to realise it's not a natural state of being for me, however DH wouldn't consider an open relationship and I have to accept that. If we were to split up I'd not be monogomous again, ever. Also i don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates" it's unrealistic to expect one person can meet all your needs.

Open relationships and polyamory are not for everyone. I find both things interesting, but know they aren't for me.

If you are really interested in learning more just for curiosity's sake, I recommend the sex advice podcast/column Savage Love. The writer is quite well known in the U.S. and syndicated in alternative newspapers all over the states. I've been reading Dan Savage's stuff for most of my adult life and I have to say it has really helped me to be very non-judgy about other people's sex lives/relationships. He usually has a lot to say about jealously/insecurity in relationships too.

smallnotfaraway you of course are right, I think i've ever felt jealous really but i was talking about envy (not that i've ever really felt that).

Possibly jealous of the time spent with kids or loved ones but I think thats a positive emmotion

I really don't think that anyone can rationalise emotions like jealousy- you either feel them or you don't.

I don't really get this "my life revolves around other things.." attitude of SGB- because the two are not mutually exclusive are they? it's a bit of a weak argument to say you are never jealous or possessive becasue well, frankly, I have my mind on other more important/interesting things.

Like what?

It reminds me of the autobiography of Diana Athill- who was highly promiscuous by most people's standards and never married. (She is now 90), though she spent most of her life sleeping with other people's husbands with no qualms. At one point her most permanent partner took a young lover and they all lived togther in one house- very happily.

The criticism levelled against her - by those who read her book- is that she has never really loved. Anyone.

Call me mundane, but even if I stretch my imagination to the limits, I cannot see how anyone who really cares for and loves another person is comfortable with them having sex with someone else.

I suspect that people who say they are very happy to have "opne" relationships simply are not capable of romantic love - or have never experienced it, or build up a barrier so they don't allow themselves to love and possibly be hurt.