For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

[poshsinglemum]

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

I see poshsinglemum hasn't replied to blondegirl. I'm suspicious of people who start a thread and then don't participate in it. Being busy isn't an excuse as this is a vague thread she could have started when she had time to participate.

The only person responsible for a man cheating in his partner is the man. If he's married/attached in an allegedly monogamous situation, he shouldn't be chatting me up in the first place. If I do actually ask him, what's to stop him lying to me and how far am I supposed to go in 'proving' to myself that he's not married?Never mind the fact that an unmarried man chatting me up might quite reasonably be insulted that my immediate reaction is to consider that he is a potential adulterer when he's given me no reason to think he is - because he's chatting me up therefore presumably single.

psm does this quite a bit

it doesn't mean it isn't an interesting discussion though

I had an embarrassing and undignified incident the other week, as it happens - attractive man chatting me up, flirting all afternoon, gives me a kiss which I have no objection to, I am then informed by irate associate of his that he is married. Well FFS he wasn't acting like a married man and wore no wedding ring so how was i supposed to know?

I always think people who "presume" are a bit naive, tbh

ask the question

if you believe the answer, go for it if you want to

if you don't like or believe the answer, don't

but don't excuse yourself by saying "well, it's not myyyyyyyy responsibility, is it ?"

Peter - but that to me says your issue is not with polyamory, but with casual sex,because there is a chance you could shag a married person.

Which in effect is saying that single women cannot engage in flings, because there are liars outthere. Which to me is wrong.

As SGB says - it is actually pretty insulting to all the unmarried people out there who are perfectly reasonbly looking to chat people up and have sex in whatever timescale they choose(i.e. before they actually know each other that well...)

it takes two to have a shag

why would women just blindly believe that because he isn't acting like a married man, that he isn't a married man ??

that is naivety, sgb, and I am surprised at you

I didn't say that single women cannot engage in flings

I say turn on your radar, don't ignore it

and asking questions like "are you single?" and watching the reaction (if you can read body language) is actually pretty illuminating

ignoring those kinds of signals because "it's not your responsibility" is actually pretty shitty

But no-one has said their 'radar' is off (see jokes above about lying about being single..).

However, as in SGB's example- man approaches giving all 'single radar signals' - and it transpires they are lying, not much can be done about that.

PeterAndreForPM is your physic abilities able to be shared?

But it isn't my responsibility. A married man who tries to chat me up has already decided he's going to cheat on his wife with someone. He's the one who made promises he's busy trying to break. Believe me, I am not so breathtakingly fabulous that an ordinarily monogamous bloke is going to take one look at me and throw caution and his underwear to the winds.

Actually Telepathic

perhaps sgb could come back and tell us if she actually asked if he was single

because I reckon she is pretty savvy and would have sussed he was lying

if she asked

PeterAndreForPM - what kind of bars/ pubs/ clubs do you hang out in then, that are always full of married men looking to cheat?

And why does someone who who takes such moral highground idolise Peter Andre?

BB, I can agree to disagree with people on this thread

could you give that a try ?

I didn't say for one minute that I know lots of married men who are out to cheat, nor hang out in those places

I don't think it is a "moral high ground" to take some personal responsibilty for my sexual choices, either

Could I give that a try?

Yes, certainly. I disagree with you, but only in a 'raising of one eyebrow sort of way', and most certainly not in a 'I feel the need to type the same thing in 16 posts just to make sure I've made my point' kind of way.

And I most definitely agree with you that people should take personal responsibility for their sexual choices. Just puzzled as to how far you think the interrogation should go. Maybe prospective partners should be asked to provide references.

I really have to go to bed.. but...

I guess for me though "personal responsibility for my sexual choices" is far wider than interrogating an apparently single man as to whether he is in fact lying to me (which is a little bit negative as a starting point..)

... it does though include honesty about my situation, sexual needs, safe sex and lots of other things etc etc

I have to agree with the others though,it is not my responsibility to police someone else's actions and ensure that they are not misrespresenting their situation - that is is their issue.

PA: If a man says or does something that suggests he might not actually be available, then I would probably ask.
I actually find this obsession with Married Men a bit sexist as well as tediously monogamy-centric. It is not women's job to control and police men's access to sex. Men can and should take responsibility for their own actions and their own dicks.

So, SGB, you are saying you would wait for a cue from him (or her...let's not make this all about the men) instead of finding out the situation for yourself, for your own reasons ?

I would prefer not to rely on someone else's version of "need to know basis"

I wouldn't want to sleep with someone unless I knew a little bit about them, and that would certainly involve asking them if they were involved with someone.

PA: Most of the people who chat other people up in clubs/bars/at parties are single or in open relationships. Treating every passing flirt as Evil Cheating Married Man WAAAAH! makes you look like a nutter. The moral responsibility remains with the married person not to stray.

"I actually find this obsession with Married Men a bit sexist as well as tediously monogamy-centric. It is not women's job to control and police men's access to sex. Men can and should take responsibility for their own actions and their own dicks."

^ this. Also, it smacks a little to me of "Waaaah, my husband cheated on me and now I'm suspicious of every woman's motives". I don't know any of your personal circumstances, and I don't know if this is close to home or if it couldn't be further from the truth, but that's how it sounds.

Why should SGB have to 'card' every man that chats her up, check his fingers for tan lines around his fingers?

If my DH chats up another woman it's his morality in question noone elses.

Am I the only one who struggled with the OP because I keep reading it as 'mahogany'?

Personally, I prefer a lighter wood from a more sustainable source....

Or I need to double check my dyslexic tendancies

SGB- said"But it isn't my responsibility. A married man who tries to chat me up has already decided he's going to cheat on his wife with someone."

SGB I used to have some respect for your position- I didn't agree with a lot of it but I did respect your right to remain single and be a swinger.

Now I don't.

To use the excuse of "oh, well he might be/is married, but if it's not me he is going to shag it will be someone else" is pathetic.

It is pathetic to say he isn't telling, so therefore I won't ask.

It also shows how little you know of someone before you are prepared to sleep with them. And yes, they could lie anyway- but that doesn't let you off the hook to at least ask the question.