For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

[poshsinglemum]

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

That is one perception, cabbageroses, I love easily and deeply...but many kinds..maternal, platonic as well as romantically. But I am always stifled and suffocated by attempting to fulfill all the needs of someone else romantically and sexually and vice versa.

I have had bad experiences....but this feeling pre-dates them. Perhaps if I had not always attempted the monogomous route. I might have negotiated more successful and loving relationships.

SGB, do you mind me asking whether you've slept with other women's husbands, without the other women knowing, ie the men are in a polygamous relationship when the woman is in a monogamous relationship?

Why the assumption that non monogamous equals 'someone else's husband'?

I'm not assuming that. I was asking the question.

Why do you assume that's what I meant?

I guess we were discussing being monogamous relationships we would like/ have been in...I don't see where the affair scenario you describe comes into play.

Non-monogamous I mean.

I think on here SGB has always been v short with people having affairs. If you don't want to be with your partner any more, or if you do but want to see other people, that's one thing. But it's the deceit, selfishness and cruelty that go with doing that without someone else's knowledge and agreement that make it anathema to people who otherwise would not believe in monogamy.

Sorry, I don't tend to notice what any particular person says!

Blondegirl - there's a few similar names around.

Poshsinglemum is a regular and respected poster.

Having an affair (ie kept secret from the other partner) does not equal polyamory. It is cheating.

The term I have always preferred is ethical non-monogamy. There is nothing ethical about cheating on your partner. Nor is there anything ethical about sleeping with someone else's partner if that person is in a monogamous relationship. The vast majority of non-monogamists are very against that.

Also, it is very possible to feel real, romantic love for one person without the need to inflict boundaries on them, or to feel that you 'own' them. Likewise it is possible to feel real, romantic love for more than one person at the same time. A lot of people liken it to having more than one child. You don't love the first child any less just because you have another one, and you don't love the second one less because you already had one.

Also, just a tiny point -- it's not about "believing in monogamy". Monogamy exists. There are no two ways about it. It's not a 'belief'.

I prefer not to sleep with people who are deceiving someone else. It's unethical and gets messy. However it's happened once or twice because the man in question has neglected to inform me beforehand that he has an officially sanctioned partner who believes the relationship to be monogamous. I consider that bad behaviour on his part, nothing more than a mistake on mine. I don't quiz people on their official availability when they are chatting me up because it's not my job to police their monogamy boundaries, they are adults who can make their own choices. If I know that a man has a partner who believes that she is in a monogamous relationship, then I won't go there.

tobylerone what you write is very interesting, I believe you can love more than one person but have never thought of it in that way.

I know I have chosen the "traditional" path, any other would have been too controversial. I daren't even mention my thoughts to friends apart from one who thinks a bit differently and doesn't look scandalised!

Until I read about it on here I didn't know much about non monogamy, re it even being acceptable, shows how much I know . I'm always intrigued by peoples experiences when they don't do monogamy, how it works etc.

Or maybe I just want to be adored by more than one person

TobyLerone: I like the term 'ethical slut' (taken from the book of the same name, the original monogamy-refuseniks' classic).

Yes, 'ethical slut' is a good term (and a useful book). Although, of course, many people would discriminate between a polyamorist and a slut. I quite liked being both

SGB you said "I don't quiz people on their official availability when they are chatting me up because it's not my job to police their monogamy boundaries, they are adults who can make their own choices. If I know that a man has a partner who believes that she is in a monogamous relationship, then I won't go there."

You do know that in law, ignorance is no defence?

So by not asking/quizzing- and waiting to be informed of someone's status- you are actually assuming non-responsibility for your choices- unless the man decides to enlighten you.

It might not "be your job to police their monogamy boundaries" but it is your job to find out for yourself- rather than wait to be be told- if they are in a committed relationship.

Surely?

Are you quite happy to say to a married woman "oh sorry- he didn't tell me- so I just didn't think to ask."

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

I agree with SGB. It's not her job to police someone else's morals.

That is a total cop out.

So you are saying it is okay to have sex with a married man/woman- as long as they don't tell you- 'cos you are not going to ask?

Yeah, right.

Toby- it's also called burying your head in the sand - when it suits.

No it isn't. I am not responsible for what someone else does.

Someone lying (passively or actively) about their relationship status is not a monogomous/polyamorous issue - that is about someone being a straight up liar...

'Call me mundane, but even if I stretch my imagination to the limits, I cannot see how anyone who really cares for and loves another person is comfortable with them having sex with someone else.'

Just because YOU cannot imagine it, it must be wrong? If I thought the same way, I'd have a serious problem with lesbians, because I cannot imagine enjoying sex with a woman. And because I can't imagine it, it must be wrong/weird.

But I don't think that way, because what consenting adults do is their business, and I firmly believe with all things out of the 'norm' of vanilla, monogamous relationships that those people haven't made a CHOICE about what they enjoy sexually--they have just admitted what/who they like and what feels right to them! If everyone did so, the world would probably be a better place.

cabbageroses, those married women should be addressing issues of monogamy with their husbands, not getting pissed off with whomever their husbands shag. Totally agree, if someone chats you up, you are not responsible for interrogating them. It is completely reasonable to assume that by the act of chatting you up, the person is saying 'I'm free to do what I like'. Do you honestly think every time a guy chats someone up, that woman should say 'are you sure you're single? you're really not married? Don't have a girlfriend lurking somewhere?'

Toby absolutely. You are only responsible for you. so if you choose to have sex with someone, does your responsibility not extend to finding out if they are already married or committed?