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Original poster

For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

467 replies

poshsinglemum · 17/02/2011 22:22

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 19/02/2011 10:21

Cabbage....okay so what if every single woman wanted to sleep with married men, is it then their fault if these men tumble into bed with them?

Berelin · 19/02/2011 10:36

Speaking as someone in a monogamous (as far as I know), long marriage, I completely agree with SGB and Toby.

Being monogamous (or, if your prefer, faithful) is my choice, and that of my DH. I'm not saying that every day we need to consciously make that choice, but sometimes, when one of us is away - at a conference say - I guess it comes up (at least, very occasionally it does for me and I'm pretty sure it does for DH). Whatever we do, or don't do, is our CHOICE. Monogamy is not so ridiculously hard that I need to enlist the help of all the other women out there to keep my husband 'on the straight and narrow'. Why should anyone have to ask me or my husband if we're 'free'? We both know we're married and are certainly old enough and wise enough to have some inkling of the consequences of our actions for our marriage.
I find this idea that the rest of the world has to help my poor, weak, conflicted DH keep to his particular commitment by making very sure not to put temptation in his path totally bizarre. Only my DH is responsible for his commitment to me (and, obviously, vice versa).

StuffingGoldBrass · 19/02/2011 10:43

IN the case of the recent Undignified Incident, I don't think it's wildly unreasonable to assume that a bloke who grabs and snogs you in the middle of a very public space, is at liberty to do so. And that you wouldn't expect anyone who wasn't nuts to snog another woman in a busy public space when there are several people nearby who know him and his wife and are going to be horrified?
I take no responsibility for that man's daft behaviour at all.

Oblomov · 19/02/2011 10:50

Interesting recent posts. Like what Ledkr has written.
I love intimacy and closeness and crave that. Not just with dh but in friendships aswell. I have different kinds of freindships, but my favourites are the real intimate ones, like my best friend where I am able to admit to her all my feelings, even the ones I am not so proud of.
I suppose exposing myself in this way makes me more vunerable. But I don't feel so. I feel safe becasue I have good instincts on who to give my love\openess to.

I struggle to understand people who are not monogomous. Becasue what you get from it is a deeper emotional fulfillment. Why would you not want this ? Becasue you have been previously hurt and are trying to protect yourself ? Is this what happened to you SGB, and others ?

tadpoles · 19/02/2011 10:56

I'm in a long term relationship and I am monogamous but I would prefer not to be. In an ideal world I would like to pursue one or more other relationships, maybe emotional, maybe sexual maybe both or just close friendships with the opposite sex. But I do not want to end my long term relationship so the only alternative, apart from the affair route, which nowadays seems to be so socially unacceptable (I have my own views on that which are not shared by most MN posters) is an open relationship. My partner could probably just about get his head around that but again it seems to be such a radical idea for most people, and so socially unacceptable, that I am not sure I could be bothered with all the hassle and drama.

So I will just stay monogamous! I find it a bit constraining but there are worse situations to be in. And by the way, before the MN harridans start screetching about "being unfair to my poor partner" blah blah blah, he knows exactly how I feel. He is with me because he wants to be. I am not perfect and neither is he. We have our own thoughts, views, feelings, THANK GOD. I do not own him and he does not own me.

I can't be the only woman out there who feels like this (and judging by these threads and all those married dating sites there are most definitely a lot of men who do).

If monogamy and life-long marriage were the only natural way to be there would be no divorce, no affairs, no attached people using the sex industry etc. And pigs might fly too!

Oblomov · 19/02/2011 11:02

Tadpoles, why do yoiu have to stay in a monogomous relationship ? Seems a shame to be in something when you don't really want to be.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/02/2011 11:03

Oblomov: sorry but . If I had a quid for every clammy-handed 'empathiser' who wanted to know whether I'd been deeply hurt in the past I wouldn't be claiming tax credits. WOuld you ask someone who was gay if it was all down to them having had an unfortunate experience with a member of the opposite sex in the past?
From quite a young age I was aware that I didn't want to be owned, and that I didn;t want to get married 'for a long long time' as I wanted to do other things: write, travel, get rich&famous etc. I had partners, engaged in monogamous relationships, was In Love a few times, but found, over and over again, that I got bored, felt trapped, wanted something different, so I walked. At least I managed to realise that longterm monogamous couplehood was simply not my cup of tea before I messed anyone else's life up by, for instance, marrying him or setting up home with him before deciding I was bored and wanted to move on.

Malificence · 19/02/2011 11:20

This has taken a fascinating twist overnight, I'm absolutely in agreement with SGB and the others who say it's not a single woman's responsibility to vet men and it's not an attached woman's responsibility to police her partner's fidelity -it's completely down to the man.

That's a different thing to jealousy though, if I knew a woman was targeting my DH (she would know he was married because he wears 2 wedding rings), I would be (mildly)jealous but I wouldn't be worried/concerned because I trust my DH to handle the situation and put her straight -
She wouldn't be responsible for the destruction of my marriage if he cheated on me with her, the responsiblity would be his alone.

Oblomov · 19/02/2011 11:25

And no I wouldn't ask someone gay.
Agreed, atleast you realised before getting married and doing more harm.

Bet you have been asked thta ALOT. Yawn. Had it never occured to you why you get asked it ALOT. Because as humans we are supposed to carve intimacy. And it is actually often the case that people who close off certian emotions , is it becasue they have been previously hurt. Are yiu disagreeing with that ?
Counselling and helping those that have been abused emotionally focus's on this. So it would seemt o most logical question, not just to you, but to anyonbe who closes an emotional door and puts up defences, to question what happeend and whthwe actuallyt their defences is the best form of protection.

Oblomov · 19/02/2011 11:33

SGB didn't want to be owned. Thats funny I don't see my marriage as being owned. No one owns me. I am here becasue I want to be. And at any moment I don't want to be, I am free to leave. Married or not.
You wanted to travel, get rich ? Oh. Does a relationship prevent thta ? I didn't relaise it did. I have travelled to many many countries. Mind YOu, I haven't managed the rich bit.
You got bored ? Really ? I've never been bored in a relationship. Certainly not in my marriage. You hadn't met exciting enough men, had you ? Or hadn't examined the true core reason for your boredom, maybe ?

cabbageroses · 19/02/2011 11:42

All interesting. I wonder why none of you has asked WWIFN and PeterAndreif they were insecure? They were both saying exactly the same as I am.

Which is- if you have sex with a married man, because you consider yourself , as a single person available , and maybe you just forgot to find out if he was free, you somehow duck the responsibility of fucking up some other woman's marriage.

This is MN at its 2-faced worst. The number of women here who have been flamed for entering into a relationship with a married man ...yet now it's okay- it's all his fault that he can't keep his trousers on.

SGB I feel sad for you- the fact that you have to put In Love with upper case letters implies a certain cynicism and a sneer. I wonder why. As someone else pointed out- all the hopes and dreams you had about travel, being rich and famous, etc etc are quite possible with a long term partner. If you get bored by people easily it says as much about you as it does of them. I do wonder whether you are always doing the dumping, or if you are resolutely single because you have never met anyone who wanted you at the same time as you wanted them, on anything more than a temporary basis.

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 11:49

It is NOT OK to sleep with a married man. If you have an affair then presumably you know he's married, and apart fro m a few cases of very careful separate lives, the woman is wrong in those cases (but nowhere near as wrong as the man who promised to be faithful to someone else).
As a one off "if you have sex with a married man, because you consider yourself , as a single person available , and maybe you just forgot to find out if he was free, you somehow duck the responsibility of fucking up some other woman's marriage." - if a man is prepared to sleep with you, then I'd take that as a signal he is free to do so. Why ever wouldn't you?

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 11:50

And I think there was a thread not so long ago where someone had been with a man for a while, discovered he was married (genuinely had no idea) and told him where to go. She got nothing but sympathy iirc.

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 11:50

BTW am using "married" in a lazy way to mean committed to a faithful relationship.

snowmama · 19/02/2011 11:51

Seriously.. are people so very unimaginative that any relationship that falls outside the projection of what they would like from romantic love requires counselling or has to be 'felt sorry for'...

...and are married men such life incompetents that strange women are required to 'intervene' to protect them from themselves..

it is a big, beautiful diverse world out there - the magic is to find someone/people who suit you, and to accept that others make different choices. Those living differently to you are really not unhappy or to be pitied... it isn't rocket science...

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 11:52

and not really sure why I am in on this since I haven't slept with anyone other than DH (or considered doing so) since the last millennium :o

cabbageroses · 19/02/2011 11:58

Stealth I amnot quite sure that I fully got your drift as you seemed to cntradict yourself.

Are you saying that if a man wants to sleep with you then you assume he is free to do so?

Have you not read that 40% of men on singles dating sites are in fact married? But of course they don't say so.

There are thousands of men out there who may fel they "free to do so" but some how their partners may not quite see it that way.

Oblomov · 19/02/2011 12:00

snowmama, 'counselling', and 'sorry for ', you are refring to my post, I assume. If so, you have taken my comments completely out of context.

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 12:02

"Are you saying that if a man wants to sleep with you then you assume he is free to do so?"

Yes, in the absense of any evidence to the contrary. After all if you ask the question "are you married?" they'd be weel within their rights to say "if I was do you think I'd be doing this?"

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 12:03

cabbage, have you checked that your OH doesn't have another life that you know noting about? I think it is your duty to do so - think of that poor woman.

snowmama · 19/02/2011 12:08

Oblomov.. well it was yours and cabbage's... but would be happy to hear what context you meant it in..as your assumption appears to be.. by refusing monogomy you have closed emotional doors. Which I would dispute...

ThePosieParker · 19/02/2011 12:09

From quite a young age I was aware that I didn't want to be owned.

That's the clincher isn't it, some people in a monogamous relationship do not feel owned.

ThePosieParker · 19/02/2011 12:11

SGB.....I just want to know was he worth it!!?!!Grin

cabbageroses · 19/02/2011 12:12

Yes, in the absense of any evidence to the contrary. After all if you ask the question "are you married?" they'd be weel within their rights to say "if I was do you think I'd be doing this?"

In the absence of any evidence? Like what? A conversation about their life?

and "if I was ...."

ahem- your naivity is breathtaking.

And don't try to make it personal- I haven't asked about you and my situation is not relevant- I am arguing this as a debate, not a personal rant.

yogididabooboo · 19/02/2011 12:12

im not sure i believe in jealousy.

I think that it usually boils down to insecurity and mistrust.