For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

[poshsinglemum]

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

That's not what she's saying though is it?

She's saying, as an adult, who presumably has entered into some sort of commitment with his wife, it's not her job to make sure he sticks to it.

This is what I don't get on all the "shall I email the trollopy tart who has pinched my husband" threads. No,you should pack your husband's bags. The other woman is irrelevant.

I'm another one not remotely jealous. I spend 3 mths a year away from dp, and haven't a clue what he gets up to while I'm gone. I have friends who think I'm insane for "allowing" him out at w/es with his mates, but I see that more as a sign of their own insecurity than of the fact that my dp is shagging every woman in town.

I wouldn't want an open relationship, I'd actually be quite happy never to have sex again as long as I live I think, but that said, I don't really see (apart from it being a huge insecurity thing for some) why anybody would find open relationships between consenting adults so scary.

Biologically, as has been said, an open relationship is far more natural than the concept of "romantic love" which was a literary device invented by 19th century writers. (not that open relationship gives someone free reign just to fuck over (metaphorically) anyone they feel like doing of course.

It would also be interesting to see how many of these spurious people (because presumably some women lie too) say they aren't married when/if asked the question.

cabbage.....What a weird stance? Why should someone be responsible for someone else's relationship? SGB has chosen not to marry, she's free to be with whomever she wants.

Bloody hell this is depressing. So many women;s crap monogamist-sexist view of the world that boils down to 'Men are all bastards, sisterly solidarity means we must all band together to ration the amount of sex they might have and it's our collective female responsiblity to police them - and any woman who has lots of casual sex must be a husband-stealer because women all compete over men'.
This is just a nastier version of 'Men, bah, the poor little incompetents can't do housework so we women have to train them like dogs.'

She's saying, as an adult, who presumably has entered into some sort of commitment with his wife, it's not her job to make sure he sticks to it.

Right. But is it her job to ensure she is not the available woman with whom he commits adultery?

Given that it takes 2 to tango, then yes- it is her responsibility.

Married men can only get away with being unfaithful because there are women who are willing to have sex with them. If a woman has any moral code or regard for another woman who might be in a committed relationship, then she ought to ask.

As for SGB's claim that if a man flirts outrageously he must be free, available, whatever- OMG is all I can say.

SGB you are overeacting in a totally illogical and emotional way. No one is saying anything of the sort- and you know it.

Maybe this thread has told you a few home truths which you find uncomfortable.

It seems that some on this thread are paranoid and suspicious of their husbands behaviour but can't quite bring themselves to lay the blame squarely at their feet . There has to be some unscrupulous harlot involved who lured them. It is a sexist and mysogynistic viewpoint.

I was chatted up by a married man a few weeks ago, groped in fact, he still had his wedding ring on, so arrogant he didn't even bother concealing the fact! I had mine on too, as I always do. He was a t*t, NOT me. Also when me and dh were first together a few women deliberately set out to have sex with him and break our relationship, they were t*ts too. Dh didn't respond, he had no desire too.

If a person is going to cheat they will regardless of relationship status. If i was single and being chatted up and I fancied them I wouldn't ask "the question" it would be weird tbh. If it came out later they were attached I'd end it, but feel no guilt, no guilt at all.

Posie- are you in fact saying that a woman is not ever responsible for jointly sabotaging a committed relationship which already exists?

Yours is the weird stance, I'm afraid.

Wow.... Can people just not hear what SGB is saying really clearly.

Single women/women in open relationships are not responsible for married men's behaivour.

I was married for 5 years.. not once did I go out on the pull. When I was offered sex, I smiled politely and said 'no thanks'... it was no one's responsibility but mine to ensure that I stuck to my marriage vows...

moral code is if you are in a committed relationship - please stay away from those looking for something different.

I haven't read all the posts, but skimmed a few.

Those of you who have never, ever felt a twinge of jealousy, self doubt or insecurity and don't beleive in monogamy - have you ever been truly and deeply in love? A deep consuming feeeling that overtakes everything else?

Cabbageroses, what utter bullshit. Do you not get the fact that most men who are flirting are available and most men who are committed elsewhere are not hunting for sexual encounters in clubs and bars?
You act as though my first priority when flirting should be other people's monogamy issues. When I get talking to a man (in a social/potential pulling environment) my first priority is to ascertain whether or not I fancy him, then whether or not he's interested.
I am not the keeper of a stranger's conscience. He's an adult and it's up to him to choose what he does with his dick. It's no more my business than it is to chase people round a buffet table yelling 'There's meat in that! Are you sure you're not a vegetarian?'

My husband could spend the night at the Playboy mansion and I would expect him to remain faithful. And no a woman that sleeps with a married man is not responsible for his wife's feelings at all, she has made no commitment to that woman. I, however, wouldn't want to be that woman...but that's just me.

As far as I'm aware the benefit about being single is that you haven't made a commitment and are responsible for your own feelings alone.

Bunbaker - that comes to my earlier point about about people experiencing emotions (love) differently. I do love deeply - but it is a non possesive love...

What you describe sounds like obsession in my world - and not like a good thing, or much fun. I would not like any aspect of my life to overtake everything else.

caveat - that is not to say that everyone else should feel as I do....

I love my husband, but am not obsessed by him. I might have been when I first met him 32 years ago, but now it is a comfortable content kind of love. And yes, we have always been faithful to each other because we hold the same values. And that, surely is how it should be. If each partner in a relationship holds the same values then no-one would get hurt.

What is really so bleak about this is that a discussion about various types of relationship has been cluttered up by the nasty patriarchal myth that the most important thing in a woman's life is ownership of a man's dick and seeing off the competition. ONe function of the monogamy cult is to keep women 'busy', obsessed with policing their men and also to keep women apart, because if every other woman is a Threat To Your Monogamy then you aren't going to talk with other women and find out that (for instance) violence or verbal abuser or utter laziness round the house are not 'normal' stuff you should just put up with.

SGB Hits a nerve, eh?

Sorry but you are in total denial. You just don't get it do you- or rather you don't want to get it.

Of course what men do with their dicks is their responsibility- but if they want to be unfaithful they need a willing woman to do that with.

I am really surprised at you- I respect your life choices, but not when they involve other women's partners, when you simply feel it's not your place to find out their status- and where you live in some cloud cuckoo land where you believe that most men who flirt are single.

Bunbaker: I agree with you 100%, what is important in making a relationship last is not 'being monogamous' but in discussing your particular boundaries and agreeing them with your partner (or partners).

Cabbageroses: I think you are the one who's had a nerve hit. Have you recently got rid of a monogamy-breaching partner and yet couldn't bring yourself to blame him?

My ex cheated on me after 18yrs of marriage and 4 kids it was him who chose to do it knowing that we were monogomous and it would hurt me and the children.The ow didnt know me or my circumstances and had no emotional attachment to us like exd,although it was hard i did not really blame her and also eventally saw my part in it happening.

sgb,have you ever fallen in love?I wonder if things felt different then.I had 4 yrs as a single woman after i split with ex,i had quite a few male relationships but felt like you that i honestly couldnt care less who they shagged as long as they kept me safe.
this was hard for one guy i saw for about a yr,he treid all manner of things to make me jealous but i just didnt care.
Then i met dh and was blown away by him,we have been together since,we just get on,i love his company and am incredibly attracted to him.Two things changed.1 I dont feel attracted to anyone else-never happened with ex.2 I really do not want to share him emotionally or sexually with anyone else.I feel it woild somehow violate our closeness.I would in fact rather be without him than share him as i would fimd that less painfull.We also share children and property and when someone else comes into the equasion that becomes complicated.
I did have a point to make,i hope i made it.

Precisely - and that love and contentment between you and your husband - is because you both adhere to your negotiated agreement and values within your marriage.

So anyone else going on the pull in some random bar, has no impact on your marriage.

Similarly going back to the original point of the thread -if people with the same values set up open or polyamorous relationships - they will end up with the same level of fulfilment and contentment.

and now you are trying to deflect the argument away from your own behaviour back to the same old boring "men keep women as servants....police their dicks....blah blah"

bunbaker yes I've felt that way with my ex when I was 17, stayed with him until 21, I was completely utterly obsessed with him, I literally thought I couldn't live without him. Once when he stood me up then didn't call for days I actually thought I might die .

I was clingy, insecure possessive and although the good times felt like being on drugs the bad times were horrendous. I do miss that intensity of feeling in a way, I love my dh, he's my best friend (although we've had our rough times) but I don't own him and I never feel jealous.

i don't think it's healthy to be obsessed with someone.

Completely agree with SGB. Surely if someone is chtting you up, you assume they're unattached unless you feel otherwise? Women are not the marriage police. I agree if you know/suspect someone is involved with someone else it's bad to go any further without finding out more, but to feel the need to check first on the basis of nothing is ridiculous.
On another note, if a man is cheating and you ask the question, surely he will just lie - what then? Lie detector? References, as someone else suggests? Pinch his phone and call his mum?

I have been in love in that obsessive, mindfucky way, yes. But I was a teenager at the time. I love dp and don't ever want another man apart from him ever, (unless first teenage mindfucky love were to walk through the door, in which case, tie me to the rocks before I go off my head ) but it's different somehow.

Cabbages, you really sound very insecure, and I have to agree with SGB, you're the one who is coming across as though a nerve has been hit. Sorry.

That's how I feel Bucharest, if I were to see obsseesive headfuck first love again I would still probably be sick!