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Original poster

For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

467 replies

poshsinglemum · 17/02/2011 22:22

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 18/02/2011 22:45

Yank- I don't recall saying that my thoughts were right or wrong- I simply stated how I saw it.

This is a complete load of bollocks and I am amazed at the sheer naivity/ sself delusion.

You are now saying it's fine to shag a married man, as long as he keeps quiet abouthis status, so you don't have to feel guilty- and it really is up to his wife/partner to catch him or try to stop him?

TobyLerone · 18/02/2011 22:49

No, so long as I am not cheating on my partner, it is the other person's responsibility to ensure that they are available.

Like has already been said, if I'm being chatted up with a clear view to something happening, I'm going to assume that the person doing the chatting is available.

TobyLerone · 18/02/2011 22:50

No, it's not up to his wife/partner to stop/catch him! It's up to him to be open and honest with everyone involved.

snowmama · 18/02/2011 22:51

Scenario 1.

Single girl goes to bar gets chatted up, 'are you single' - answer yes. They swap numbers- go on a couple of dates, start a romantic 'exclusive' relationship. Turns out he was lying he was married he was married to someone who did not think that they were in an open marriage.

Scenario 2.

Single girl goes to bar gets chatted up, 'are you single' - answer yes. They swap numbers- go on a couple of dates, they start an negotiated polyamorous relationship. Assumption is that all involved, are all aware and signed up to the arrangement. Turns out he was lying, he was married to someone who did not think that they were in an open marriage.

Which is worse?

What is the acceptable level of due diligence required to find out if someone is single or not?

cabbageroses · 18/02/2011 22:53

Toby well, you stick to that line. It's crap and you know it. You "assume they are available"???

So married men never lie or omit to tell the truth- and you would rather not know.

Nice.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/02/2011 22:54

If you actually care about NOT colluding in another woman's pain, then yes of course it's your responsibility to ask if a prospective lover is attached. If on the other hand you don't much care about that and can pretend that since he didn't tell you, you're not responsible, then you won't.

It's the people who moan and wail about men deceiving them about their wife and family, that irritate me. The clues were all there, yet they pretend that they missed them completely and tell others that they would never have actively chosen to be an OW.

If you actively don't want to collude in infidelity, then you make very sure that someone is telling the truth about being single.

TobyLerone · 18/02/2011 22:55

Many people lie or omit to tell the truth. Not just married men.

If my partner cheated on me (with anyone, single or otherwise), it would be him I would blame. Not the other person.

robberbutton · 18/02/2011 22:58

TBH, I agree with Toby and SGB on this- if someone was 'chatting me up' (bizarre thought, tries to remember 10 years ago!), my first question wouldn't be 'are you involved with anyone else'. Speaking as a monogamous person whose H had an affair, I wouldn't have thought badly re: the OW at all if she didn't know about me (except she did Hmm ). And I wouldn't feel bad if I unknowingly slept with an attached person, but I would extract myself from the relationship as soon as I found out.

PeterAndreForPM · 18/02/2011 22:59

Toby...never mind about a partner's behaviour, we are not talking about that

you are making an un-necessary twist there

we are talking about every individual's personal and moral responsibility

and not asking the right questions, or not probing enough, is not a moral stance I could ever agree with

TobyLerone · 18/02/2011 23:02

We are talking about that, in as much as it is more proof of my belief that it's the married/otherwise partnered-up person who has a responsibility to their existing relationship.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/02/2011 23:06

You don't believe in the responsibility we all have to behave decently to our fellow human beings then Toby? Not doing something that we knew, if discovered, would cause that woman and possibly her children, enormous pain? Not colluding in someone else's deceit of another person?

TobyLerone · 18/02/2011 23:07

I would absolutely not deliberately collude in someone's deceit of another person. In any situation. But I will never think that the responsibility for an existing relationship lies with anyone other than those already in it.

PeterAndreForPM · 18/02/2011 23:09

nobody is denying that, Toby

personally, I do not think hat is the point here

what some people are taking issue with is the peron (man or woman) who doesn't even boher to ask and thinks "why should I?"

we are not stupid, I think we all know when we are being lied to by omission, so to not ask that probing quesion is being disingenuous at best

I ofen say if DH and I were to split, I would never marry again and would avail myself of any opportunities I fancied

but I would make damn sure I wasn't contributing to someone else's maltreatment whilst still thinking the responsibilty lay with the cheating partner

the two are not mutually exclusive

it's not either/or

PeterAndreForPM · 18/02/2011 23:09

person

bother

snowmama · 18/02/2011 23:10

It is interesting that a discussion on non-monogomous relationships actually ends up being predominately about potentially sleeping with other women's husbands.

That is possible when you are dating full stop.

minxofmancunia · 18/02/2011 23:10

I don't think you should have to go interrogating individuals who chat you up as to whether they are attached or not, if they approach you you assume they are available. If subsequently you find out they aren't you knock it on the head. It is their responsibility not yours. surely Hmm.

If dh had an affair I'd blame him esp if the woman was unaware. However i have a very low opinion of (mostly women) individuals who chase attached people, if you know that you stay away. I've been chatted up by men who know I'd married, pretty despicable behaviour, also been chatted up unknowingly and I've TOLD THEM. because it's down to me to do that.

PeterAndreForPM · 18/02/2011 23:10

fucking keyboard Angry

snowmama · 18/02/2011 23:12

.. and beyond asking if someone is single - what are peoples expectations of what the probing questions should be?

TobyLerone · 18/02/2011 23:15

Absolutely, snowmama.

I have never asked someone if they were single. I have been asked before, but only every by weird creepy men in bars (when I usually lie and say I'm not single, even if I am).

PeterAndreForPM · 18/02/2011 23:16

snow...that would be enough for me, if I believed them

some people on this thread appear to think even that "are you single" question is a step too far wrt to their own responsibility Confused

TobyLerone · 18/02/2011 23:17

I agree, minxofmancunia. Especially re the 'women who deliberately chase attached men' (or vice versa). That is indeed despicable behaviour.

snowmama · 18/02/2011 23:19

That is very true, in fact my experience if someone starts off asking if you are single 9 times out of 10 it means they are not.

I also lie in that scenario and say I am not single!

snowmama · 18/02/2011 23:23

Peter.. I don't think anyone is saying that - they are simply pointing out that if someone chats you up in full flirt mode (as if they are single) - it is actually reasonable to expect that the image of 'available person' they are presenting is true..(and them verbalising it doesn't make it any more/less true)

also.. want to third the deliberate targetting of married/attached people is horrible behaivour...

wileycoyote · 18/02/2011 23:23

I have to agree with Toby and SGB. Why should the single woman be resposible for 'policing' a man who chats her up?

PeterAndreForPM · 18/02/2011 23:29

but a single woman is responsible for policing herself yes ?

why do we always make things all about the bloke ?

women should take personal responsibilty for their own sexual behaviour

and sleeping with someone who you are not quite sure is on the level is a bit shit, in my book. Am not saying I haven't done it, btw, but I don't think it's a good idea at all, mostly for yourself never mind anybody else

who needs to find out that skank you shagged has a downrodden missus and 3 kids he fucks over every weekend ?

beyond awful