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Original poster

Is H having his cake and.....

282 replies

womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 09:21

A bit of a complicated story.H and I split several years ago.Broken trust on both sides.Both of us had caused issue in our marriage.So we seperated and were heading for divorce.

I stayed in the home with our young children and he moved out.Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew(sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.Since split I have been a single mum.So I've been the one bringing up the children(visits to dad),providing for the children financially,emotioanlly.Upkeep of home etc etc.The only thing he has provided is £5 a week child support and the odd contribution to school trips where he's paid half.

The £5 a week is a bit of an issue as he earns £40,000 a year but because of a totally legal loophole he only has to declare minimum wage and so only has to pay minimum child support.And yes its totally legal and there was nothing I could do about it.

Well a few years down the lines and we've decided to give things another go.We have been seeing each other for more than a year and a half.The arrangement has been that he comes over and sees me and kids.We go out for day trips with the occasional overnight stay during week and things have been going well.Of course the aim being that we get back together if things go well.And things have been

Well last night we had a chat about our future and what next.H drops a bombshell that although he would like to move back in eventually he doesn't see a way foreward because if he moves back in he has to give up the flat he is in now and so if things don't work out he then has no home and the place he is in now is cheap rent and he'd be very very lucky to get somewhere like that again.Also if he moves back in and he loses his job(he's self employed) and then we split he would then be in the position of no job and no home.He said he can't think of anything to sort this out.

I can understand the reasons for the latter.Its because when we split several years back he had no job and no where to go but because of the circumstances(which were his doing at the time) he was the one who left and he had to move in with a sister.This sister has now moved abroad so if this were to happen again he really would have no where to go.

So yes I understand his situation and the difficulties with it but on mine and more importantly the childrens side of things,we can't live like this forever.Where I am basically living as a single mum,bringing up the children but he pops around to see us.And he has only himself to look after and do as he pleases in his home.One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

So to sum it up I'm the one looking after the children full time(fiancially and emotionally) and maintaining the home(fiancially and general maintainance like decorating etc).And he is living in a flat where he only has himself to look after and spend the evenings watching tv or sleeping.Paying me £5 child support.

Isn't this him having his cake and eating it.

OP posts:
nje3006 · 17/02/2011 09:24

Yes it is.

And you seem to know that. So I wonder why you've asked the question...

madonnawhore · 17/02/2011 09:25

Yes. Tight wanker.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2011 09:25

Can't get my head round why you want to get back together with such a cheapskate. That's his children he's been short-changing for years; just because it's legal doesn't explain why he wanted to. And if he's still on £40k why is cheap rent even an issue?

Having cake and eating it big-time IMO.

Tortington · 17/02/2011 09:29

ia the fiver on top of him paying the mortgage?

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 09:33

ia the fiver on top of him paying the mortgage?
CUSTARDO

No mortgage is paid off.That is one fiancial thing neither of us have to worry about.It was paid off before we split.

I pay all bills to the home,upkeep etc and like I said he pays £5 child support plus contributes to half of the odd school trip and I pay for everything else.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 17/02/2011 09:34

I agreew with Annie. How can you bear to be with someone who short changes his own children like that?

OK, so legally he can get away with it but morally it's so wrong.

ScaredOfCows · 17/02/2011 09:35

Do you really want to make a life with a man who would take advantage of a legal loophole to underpay his ex? Someone who cared for you and his children wouldn't do this. Just because it is legal, doesn't make it morally right.

TeeBee · 17/02/2011 09:35

Yep, with custard on top.

EightiesChick · 17/02/2011 09:36

Yes he is. Talk about the life of Riley.

However, I'll offer a 'compromise suggestion'. He moves back in with you for a trial period of 3 or 6 months, during which you both agree to keep paying the rent on his flat in case it all goes pear-shaped, on condition that you now split the household costs and costs of child support 'equally'. You should also split the effort (ie looking after the kids) equally.

I'm saying 'equally' in quote marks because IMO this ought to be proportional to your earnings - ie if he earns 40K and you earn 20k, he should contribute twice as much as you. There have been quite a few threads about this lately. But however you do the maths, the point is it's about making him be an equal partner in the household and not continuing with this £5 rubbish.

Put it to him and see what he says. But make sure you get the standing orders for his money set up asap...

oldenoughtowearpurple · 17/02/2011 09:36

Actions speak louder than words. He is currently stealing about £150 a week from his own kids. How can you bear to have him in your bed?

FetchezLaVache · 17/02/2011 09:37

Well, yes he is. But I think the real question is does the situation work for you? (I often occasionally think I would quite like DH to move into a small flat nearby and pop round to see us...) Even if it does, I can see you're peeved at the imbalance in the "responsibilities" side of things- and rightly so. Is there any way you could work out a third way, a compromise between full-on living together and the current cakey-eaty situation, such as him contributing more on the basis that he's staying over quite a lot and eating your food? Can he take charge of bathtimes and getting school uniforms ready on the nights he stays with you?

Incidentally, if he earns £40K he surely has no grounds to worry that he wouldn't be able to afford rent if you do subsequently split?

EightiesChick · 17/02/2011 09:37

PS if you add the costs of his flat to the household expenditure and split that equally, you could always suggest that each of you spends a night there alone each week for 'me time' during the transition. I'll bet that he will like this idea for himself, but will be less keen on you doing it...

fairygirl3 · 17/02/2011 09:37

so how long have you been split up ,if you have been seeing him as in dating for 18months? and why would you want him back if all he does is give you a fiver and he is rolling in it? i think he has definatly got the best of both worlds and is enjoying it to much to change.

muddleduck · 17/02/2011 09:43

£5 a week Shock

fecking hell.

Niceguy2 · 17/02/2011 09:44

Whilst you were seperated i guess things were different and whilst I don't agree, I can understand he took advantage of the system to pay you the minimum CSA he can get away with.

But now you have been back together for some time, he's still doing the same!??!

He's basically got his own bachelor pad, gets to pop round as & when he feels like it to see the kids, be "good dad" and somewhere to cock lodge. All for £20 a month. Brilliant! I guess some people are just born lucky!

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 09:45

He was advised to pay this because I was out of work at the time of split and so £5 was what he had to pay through csa and he said he would give me money(straight to me) for big things like schooltrips.

Since then the £5 has stayed the same as legally he is seen as earning minimum wage.

But he says that he will give money to me if I need it.Well fiancially I cope on my own and he offers to pay half on school trips or things like that.Everything else I pay for.We went on holiday together and he asked for half of the cost towards it.

But yes I think he's having a laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 09:52

It works with me in some ways.Yes I enjoy my space.The fact that he's not under my feet but I see this can't go on forever as its not ideal for the children.

As for the flat if he moves in with me he has to give up the flat straight away as its council.Because he wasn't working when he moved out he went on council housing list.So he would def have to give it up straight away.So he has a £40 week rent and £40k wage.

A so if we split again he would then have to rent privately.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 17/02/2011 09:54

"He's basically got his own bachelor pad, gets to pop round as & when he feels like it to see the kids, be "good dad" and somewhere to cock lodge. All for £20 a month. Brilliant! I guess some people are just born lucky!"

Niceguy has summed it up perfectly methinks.

caramelwaffle · 17/02/2011 09:55

£40 A WEEK rent ! Good grief! I wish.

Magicmayhem · 17/02/2011 10:00

how old are your children? not that that really matters. Do you really really want this man back in your life... tell us some good qualities that he has...

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 10:03

First are you still out of work? Second even if you are I happen to know the rules have changed, my best mate is on benifits since she lost her job but is allowed to keep all her CM and before that was allowed to keep £20 a week so he was at the very least doing you out of £80 a month.

My ex makes my skin crawl because he's not paid for his kids, I dont know how you can let him back into your life.

Sorry to say he's got himself a solid gold door mat there it's time to get some self respect!

madonnawhore · 17/02/2011 10:03

He is massively taking the piss.

Asked you to pay towards half a holiday when you pay for everything else to do with his kids all the time...?

I still can't believe he contributes £5 a week for his children. How can you respect a man like that?

I'm gonna stop posting in this thread because I'm so incredulous I feel like I'm just repeating myself out of disbelief.

fairygirl3 · 17/02/2011 10:05

yes its true you get to keep all your csa money and it does not effect any benefits,i am newley on income support so know this.

EightiesChick · 17/02/2011 10:10

So hang on - he is still in a council flat because he wasn't working when he got it, paying £40 a week? So shouldn't he already have moved out now he has a well paid job?

TBH while it seems immoral/illegal to keep the flat while living with you, then it already seems immoral/illegal that he keeps a flat he is not entitled to now he's working. So you might as well continue that for a couple of months more while you try an 'experiment' of him living back with you full time and sharing the true costs of running your household.

I am starting to sound like I am supporting general bludging off the state and off your ex on his part, which is not really my view - but my suggestion is about trying to offer him something that will force him one way or the other to get off the fence. If he weasels out of the offer of living with you again, even with the chance to keep his 'safety net' for a few months, then you have a clear signal that he is in fact the cheapest of cheap gits and indeed wants to have his cake and eat it in a big way.

EightiesChick · 17/02/2011 10:12

Sorry, have just read the bit where he asked you to pay half towards the holiday, and now think the case for him being a cheapskate is already proven. Tell him to make his bleeding mind up but that you'll be asking for more money either way.