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Original poster

Is H having his cake and.....

282 replies

womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 09:21

A bit of a complicated story.H and I split several years ago.Broken trust on both sides.Both of us had caused issue in our marriage.So we seperated and were heading for divorce.

I stayed in the home with our young children and he moved out.Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew(sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.Since split I have been a single mum.So I've been the one bringing up the children(visits to dad),providing for the children financially,emotioanlly.Upkeep of home etc etc.The only thing he has provided is £5 a week child support and the odd contribution to school trips where he's paid half.

The £5 a week is a bit of an issue as he earns £40,000 a year but because of a totally legal loophole he only has to declare minimum wage and so only has to pay minimum child support.And yes its totally legal and there was nothing I could do about it.

Well a few years down the lines and we've decided to give things another go.We have been seeing each other for more than a year and a half.The arrangement has been that he comes over and sees me and kids.We go out for day trips with the occasional overnight stay during week and things have been going well.Of course the aim being that we get back together if things go well.And things have been

Well last night we had a chat about our future and what next.H drops a bombshell that although he would like to move back in eventually he doesn't see a way foreward because if he moves back in he has to give up the flat he is in now and so if things don't work out he then has no home and the place he is in now is cheap rent and he'd be very very lucky to get somewhere like that again.Also if he moves back in and he loses his job(he's self employed) and then we split he would then be in the position of no job and no home.He said he can't think of anything to sort this out.

I can understand the reasons for the latter.Its because when we split several years back he had no job and no where to go but because of the circumstances(which were his doing at the time) he was the one who left and he had to move in with a sister.This sister has now moved abroad so if this were to happen again he really would have no where to go.

So yes I understand his situation and the difficulties with it but on mine and more importantly the childrens side of things,we can't live like this forever.Where I am basically living as a single mum,bringing up the children but he pops around to see us.And he has only himself to look after and do as he pleases in his home.One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

So to sum it up I'm the one looking after the children full time(fiancially and emotionally) and maintaining the home(fiancially and general maintainance like decorating etc).And he is living in a flat where he only has himself to look after and spend the evenings watching tv or sleeping.Paying me £5 child support.

Isn't this him having his cake and eating it.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 17/02/2011 13:07

if your disabeld child will always be dependent on you then the age 18 thing wont necessarily apply. depends on nature of her disability and whether she will be able to leave home and be independent. if not, then you can ask for clause to say you need to keep house for her long beyond she turns 18.

how old are dc now?

at the end of the day - he wants to keep his bachelor pad and keep paying £5 per week.

no point you wasting emotional time on him.

divorce him now

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 13:08

EmmaBGoode

I wnet to see a solicitor.Although it was couple of years ago now and thats the advice I got.Didn't think it had changed perhaps I need to go back?

Could you tell me more about what you kn ow may help me.Send me a private message if you don't want to put it on here.

OP posts:
EmmaBGoode · 17/02/2011 13:10

He might wait til youngest is 18 and then say right I want a divorce and I then have to get out and sell up .Leaving me with no home. No job because I'm having to take of disabled child and no career prospects or future.

Exactly. Which is why you must divorce him now and ask for the house to be put into your name only. A good solicitor should be able to negotiate this for you.

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 13:11

cestlavielife

No disabled child won't always be dependant and will be able to leave home.Although now with all the physio and appointments etc she is and needs me around.That may and probably will change as she gets older.

Youngest is nearly 8 so got 10 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 13:13

EmmaBGoode

Property is in my sole name.Always has been as I got a mortgage on it before I met him.But we've now been married 15 years ,although lived apart for 5.So he's entitled to his %

OP posts:
camerondiazepam · 17/02/2011 13:18

Oh this has made me so Sad. Wombling I don't mean to be harsh but he really doesn't sound like a very nice person. £5 a week in 2011 is insulting. And you sound a bit too nice (in the nicest possible way, like a bit of a pushover). And you sound like you somehow think you will never be able to get a situation better than this.

That's just not true. Tell me if this is 2+2=5 but I think you are feeling a bit isolated with not being able to work and having to run around sorting out your DC. You have gone all "any port in a storm". You need to do something about your self esteem, get out more and do more for yourself. And listen to what niceguy said, cos although unpalatable, it's a pretty good synopsis.

He's not a kind man and he's taking the piss out fo you and your children. You deserve better, even if you think you don't.

Hope you can emerge from the fog soon, keep posting here for support until you do. Good luck. Smile

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 13:22

camerondiazepam

isolated definately.started to get friends,have some sort of life then we got back together so to speak.find it hard tho.No family.So no help.

So have no one to have kids apart from H.Thats rare.

OP posts:
Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 13:25

H texted this morning saying he's worried about things since conversation last night.Wants to know whatI'm thinking and if we are ok.

I said can't answer through text and that I'm upset about the situation.

Wrote that as I don't want to say anything(for now anyway) that I may regret later.

OP posts:
merrywidow · 17/02/2011 13:32

having read more you really need a good solicitor, maybe someone can help here to keep some costs down.

he has been living off you and will attempt to squeeze every penny out later i'd put money on it myself

awful

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/02/2011 13:36

Wombling, please get some good advice, if you would like someone here who specialises in Family Law to help, please say so and I would hope that someone could PM you.

The house was yours, in name, mortgage and payment. Does he have proof he ever paid anything towards it, DIY etc?

You were together 10 years. He has deliberately used a loophole to stiff you and your DC out of thousands, while amassing thousands in savings himself.

I heard that the CSA have seen it all before in terms of attempts by people to evade payment, you really do need to stop taking NO for an answer and start to look for loopholes yourself to get round the injustice of this situation.

He wanted half the holiday money when he's only giving you £5/week? Why the hell did you not tell him to pay you a decent amount and you would be able to go halfs.

Seriously, you need to start invoicing the fucker with half of the child care costs.

FGS stop this behaviour, he is playing you like a grand piano.

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/02/2011 13:37

I meant to say that any % he thinks he is entitled to - with proof of his savings - can be offset against the amount of cash he ought to have paid you...surely...

caramelwaffle · 17/02/2011 13:37

Your solicitor is shit. Change them now.

Niceguy2 · 17/02/2011 13:39

I think you should reply to his text along the lines of "No, i'm not ok. I need to know if you are 100% committed to making this work or not. There's no point carrying on if you keep a parachute packed in case things go wrong."

caramelwaffle · 17/02/2011 13:41

You seem to have a belief that he definitely entitled to X% of the house.
That is simply not true.

Family Law works loosely on Case Law and not on Codex Law- that is, your Case will be dealt with on it's own merits.

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 13:46

Yes I would like someone here who specialises in family law to pm me if thats possible.The more advice the better.

Yes the CSA has seen all the loopholes and are aware of this loophole and have said their hands are tied.

My H pays himself minimum wage and thats what they see so they can't touch him.Everyone he works with who is in his position are doing the same and getting away with it.woemn have taken their exes to court on this and lose.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 17/02/2011 13:48

It might be advisable to link this thread on to the Legal section of MN

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 13:50

ok will try to do that.now sure how.useless with computers

OP posts:
ImFab · 17/02/2011 13:52

I think you need to get yourself some self respect and confidence. He is getting all the best bits. You are getting a fiver a week for shagging him Sad.

findingthepath · 17/02/2011 13:55

Wow i think he is a scumbag.

The devioice law changed about 8 months ago. As you are not working right now you are intitled to legal aid and you have grounds for devoice if you have been split for 5 years.

Please please go see a laywer today.

The longer you stay married the more he may be entitled to.

The house is yours you paid for it. If the money came out of your bank and you can show statements then it might be ring fenced?

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/02/2011 13:55

Here is the link to Legal Matters

Then open up a new thread and copy and paste your OP into it.

Link the OP to this thread by doing 2x square brackets [ then the address copied from this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1152427-Is-H-having-his-cake-and/AllOnOnePage#23867351 MY OTHER THREAD

(Include the MY OTHER THREAD text as it will help make the link show up)

then close the square brackets by typing ] twice

OK?

Give it a go...

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 14:05

findingthepath

house is in my name.I initially paid mortgaged.we got together and then we paid mortgaged off from a joint account.

Don't think i'm entitled to legal aid as property counts as financial assets unless that has changed as well.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 17/02/2011 14:11

Legal Aid is stopping soon for Divorce Cases- get in there now, if this is how you want to proceed.

findingthepath · 17/02/2011 14:14

I think it has changed i think it is based on current income as they do not expect you to sell your house to pay for a few hundrad fees but i could be wrong.

You need to talk to the people how know.

Search lagel aid and then give them a call and they will talk you throu it and if you are elegilable they will give you a list of people in your area and then you just make an appointment with them.

They will take in to account how much the morage was, how much you paid off and the lentgh of time and amount paid off when you were together. So it might not be that much. If he was out of work at the time you were together and paying the morage they will take this in to account too.

findingthepath · 17/02/2011 14:17

Really you need to talk to the people who can help.

madonnawhore · 17/02/2011 14:20

OP this is going to sound harsh but it really is coming from a good place I promise: you are sounding very helpless at the moment and I think you need to strap on a pair.

Every suggestion of help has been met with a "But I/it/he can't/won't/they said no" from you.

You are acting (or omitting to act) based on out of date and possibly wrong legal advice. This is happening to you and your children now so stop being so passive and go and get informed of your rights so he can't continue to abuse them.