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Original poster

Is H having his cake and.....

282 replies

womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 09:21

A bit of a complicated story.H and I split several years ago.Broken trust on both sides.Both of us had caused issue in our marriage.So we seperated and were heading for divorce.

I stayed in the home with our young children and he moved out.Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew(sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.Since split I have been a single mum.So I've been the one bringing up the children(visits to dad),providing for the children financially,emotioanlly.Upkeep of home etc etc.The only thing he has provided is £5 a week child support and the odd contribution to school trips where he's paid half.

The £5 a week is a bit of an issue as he earns £40,000 a year but because of a totally legal loophole he only has to declare minimum wage and so only has to pay minimum child support.And yes its totally legal and there was nothing I could do about it.

Well a few years down the lines and we've decided to give things another go.We have been seeing each other for more than a year and a half.The arrangement has been that he comes over and sees me and kids.We go out for day trips with the occasional overnight stay during week and things have been going well.Of course the aim being that we get back together if things go well.And things have been

Well last night we had a chat about our future and what next.H drops a bombshell that although he would like to move back in eventually he doesn't see a way foreward because if he moves back in he has to give up the flat he is in now and so if things don't work out he then has no home and the place he is in now is cheap rent and he'd be very very lucky to get somewhere like that again.Also if he moves back in and he loses his job(he's self employed) and then we split he would then be in the position of no job and no home.He said he can't think of anything to sort this out.

I can understand the reasons for the latter.Its because when we split several years back he had no job and no where to go but because of the circumstances(which were his doing at the time) he was the one who left and he had to move in with a sister.This sister has now moved abroad so if this were to happen again he really would have no where to go.

So yes I understand his situation and the difficulties with it but on mine and more importantly the childrens side of things,we can't live like this forever.Where I am basically living as a single mum,bringing up the children but he pops around to see us.And he has only himself to look after and do as he pleases in his home.One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

So to sum it up I'm the one looking after the children full time(fiancially and emotionally) and maintaining the home(fiancially and general maintainance like decorating etc).And he is living in a flat where he only has himself to look after and spend the evenings watching tv or sleeping.Paying me £5 child support.

Isn't this him having his cake and eating it.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 17/02/2011 10:14

Oldenough and niceguy say it all. I don't understand why you are considering getting back with this man?

LoveBeingACunt · 17/02/2011 10:17

He is only considering how a split would effect him, ever since you split up it's all been about him. I don't see how any of that would ever change.

RudeEnglishLady · 17/02/2011 10:18

"He's basically got his own bachelor pad, gets to pop round as & when he feels like it to see the kids, be "good dad" and somewhere to cock lodge. All for £20 a month. Brilliant! I guess some people are just born lucky!"

What Niceguy said.

How he can't roll over some of that vast disposable income to his children makes him revolting IMO.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 10:23

what niceguy said!

Niceguy2 · 17/02/2011 10:51

Ok, let me throw another point of view out there.

You are still married. So either you get divorced and lead separate lives. Or you don't and he's in it for the long haul. Remember the "death do us part" bit?

He's hedging his bets by saying "Eventually I'd like to move back in but what if it doesn't work"

If he's thinking like that now then you are doomed already. He's either got to commit 100% or he may as well not bother.

Had you not been married and already have kids together then I would understand his hesitation. My partner & her son moved in with me a while back and given our histories, we're both still a bit wary. BUT...come the day we get married then its 100% commitment all the way. Anything less and it simply just wont work.

waterrat · 17/02/2011 10:57

I'm absolutely baffled as to why you want to be with this man

EmmaBGoode · 17/02/2011 11:03

Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew (sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.

This is not necessarily true. Who told you this?

MyBoysHaveDogsNames · 17/02/2011 11:17

What NiceGuy said. He sounds selfish and immoral, both for living in a council flat when he has no need to, and of course for the much greater reason of not wanting to give his children all that he is able to.

What is his incentive to move in? None. He gets to see his children, have sex and have his own space. If my husband could get away with that for a fiver for a week, he would jump at the chance!

Please realise he will never move back in. Good luck.

OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 11:36

Sounds like a pile on, but why would you take the scumbag back?

Why are you even letting him back into your house, never mind your bed?

I'd be tempted to dob him into the council.

If not, and he wants back in your life...

joint account - each put in half of
Your bills + child costs + food + his bills

You'll end up paying less, he'll end up paying more, then by all means pay half the holiday.

Best advice; dump the cheapskate, uncaring mean git.

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 11:50

EIGHTIESCHICK

no he doesn't have to get out of council flat because he's now working.It doesn't work like that.There are new rules that have come in that if you get a job you have 6 months to leave but that is for council tennants from 2009/2010.We split befor this and he got his flat before this so he can stay put.

madonnawhore & fairygirl3

Yes unfortunately I'm out of work again at the moment.And he still pays £5 CSA and I didn't realise the rules had changed.But even if they have because in the eyes of the law(due to loophole) he is seen to be on minimum wage and so whether together or not he only has to pay £5 a week yet is saving £1000 of pounds a year and I can't do anything about it.

If I could walk away then I think I would but for me I am bringing up 2 children (1 of which is disabled) on my own with or without a job and would not be able to afford to pay his share of the house either now or when the youngest reaches 18.So when youngest reaches 18 I'd have to move out and sell.

OP posts:
NancyDrewHadaClue · 17/02/2011 11:57

How you can bear to be in the same room as this man let alone allow him to cock lodge is beyond comprehension.

He is stealing from your children - how are you OK with that?

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 12:00

((Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew (sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.

This is not necessarily true. Who told you this?))

EmmaBGoode

I went to a solicitor and have also been told counteless times that thats the case but everyone who has gone through divorce that a split of the home 60/40 will happen when youngest reaches 18.Do you know different?

OP posts:
waterrat · 17/02/2011 12:02

You need to womble free - a better future definitely awaits you!

madonnawhore · 17/02/2011 12:03

I don't understand this thing about the house. You're thinking of staying with this horrible, mean, selfish man in case you have to sell your home in a few years? That's not a good reason.

If you're looking after 2 DCs, one of which is disabled, and paying all bills, etc yourself WTF do you need him and his £2.50 per child per week for?

merrywidow · 17/02/2011 12:16

what worries me about this scenario is that when you do eventually divide the assets (the property) he will get 50% share and i can only assume that he has probably been saving money for the years that you have not been together and may well be hidden which you may not see a penny of. nice little future investment hes got going on there IMO

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 12:17

madonnawhore

You said you don't understand about the house.

Well this is the situation.The house is a financial asset.Its fully paid off.Because we were married for a long time he's entitled to a %.His entitlement its approx 40%.

Whether I'm working or not I have to find this money somehow.Now because I am not working at present (so can't buy him out now) then the divorce courts would say I have to either pay him when youngest reaches 18 or sell the home then to pay him.

Just to add to this one of my children has a mild disability as well so I have stayed home to take care of her.

OP posts:
merrywidow · 17/02/2011 12:17

i think you need a better solicitor

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 12:24

((what worries me about this scenario is that when you do eventually divide the assets (the property) he will get 50% share and i can only assume that he has probably been saving money for the years that you have not been together and may well be hidden which you may not see a penny of. nice little future investment hes got going on there IMO))

merrywidow

Thats one of my worries as I see it he now saving alot.I know he is came across a bank statement.So something I put to him is that he might wait til youngest is 18 and then say right I want a divorce and I then have to get out and sell up.Leaving me with no home.No job because I'm having to take of disabled child and no career prospects or future.

I actually put this to him.He said this isn't the case and would be a bizarre thing to do(stay in a relationship until kids grow up).But how do I know?

Thats why I'm now thinking although I'm afraid of future and paying his share of house on divorce maybe I'm better off out.

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 12:32

You've seen a bank statement.
You know which bank it was?

When I got divorced my exDWs solicitors saw my bank statements pretty damn quickly; Naff all in it, against the 40k she had, but they got disclosure.

If he's got a lot of savings, that is part of the marital assets. Go and see a solicitor again and say the thieving scumbag has money; here are the account details.

madonnawhore · 17/02/2011 12:35

I think you need to tell the solicitor everything you've told us about his squirreling away money and witholding it from you and the children when you desperately need it. You're not working and caring for your disabled child FFS. How can he live with himself?

I don't think you should be in a relationship with this man. Maybe you should call the CSA and the council as well and tell them what he's doing - maybe they can put the screws on him to pay what he owes you.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 17/02/2011 12:36

So why would he lose his job if he moved in with you?

Why does he feel it is acceptable to have only been paying £5 a week for his children for all this time? Surely you have asked him that question.
Why do you want to be with him? Nothing you have said would ever convince me to get back with him (or go near him with a bargepole tbh)

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 12:47

OneMoreChap

This money he has saved since we've split.And if I tried the well we were trying to get back together so I'm entitled to some of that money he can prove that we haven't lived to gther for 5 years due to council rent book.

The CSA can't touch him either.(there really is aloophole in the system).I know other women in the same situation.withouit going into everything basically he owns a business(self employed).The business earns £40k and he pays himself minimum wage.So thats what the taxman,CSA etc see.The rest is seen as business money, not his.Even tho he has no overheads,outlay and no employees.Its really his money.

The council aren't interested.He's doing nothing wrong.Morally yes but legally no.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat

He won't lose his job if he moves back.He just says hypothetically he could lose his job putting him in an insecure position.And if we were having difficulties at that time and I asked him to leave he'd be stuck.Although his job pays well its contract and could end at any time or go on for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 12:50

HandDivedScallopsrgrea

You asked why I want top be with him.Fear of future.things look bleak for me.

As I see it I'm stuck at home.Had to give up work to take care od disabled child.have no carer prospects.Tried hard to study but find that in my situation difficult to find study at appropriate times.So no career no future job prospects.So no way of saving to pay off the debt I'd have if I divorced him.Not now or when youngest is 18

OP posts:
waterrat · 17/02/2011 13:02

Womble whatever he is 'officially' earning his total income including savings is relevant. You need a good solicitor because as someone says you ate losing out on years of savings.

That should be your first step. Secondly please don't stay with him for security when he offers you none. He sounds horrible and you have done so well to bring up the children without his support.

How DARE he give you five quid a week!!

Please move forward without him you will be much happier and get some good legal advice.

EmmaBGoode · 17/02/2011 13:04

I went to a solicitor and have also been told counteless times that thats the case but everyone who has gone through divorce that a split of the home 60/40 will happen when youngest reaches 18. Do you know different?

No, this is not true. And I know a thing or two about Family Law! Who the hell is advising you?

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