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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is H having his cake and.....

282 replies

womblingfree1970 · 17/02/2011 09:21

A bit of a complicated story.H and I split several years ago.Broken trust on both sides.Both of us had caused issue in our marriage.So we seperated and were heading for divorce.

I stayed in the home with our young children and he moved out.Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew(sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.Since split I have been a single mum.So I've been the one bringing up the children(visits to dad),providing for the children financially,emotioanlly.Upkeep of home etc etc.The only thing he has provided is £5 a week child support and the odd contribution to school trips where he's paid half.

The £5 a week is a bit of an issue as he earns £40,000 a year but because of a totally legal loophole he only has to declare minimum wage and so only has to pay minimum child support.And yes its totally legal and there was nothing I could do about it.

Well a few years down the lines and we've decided to give things another go.We have been seeing each other for more than a year and a half.The arrangement has been that he comes over and sees me and kids.We go out for day trips with the occasional overnight stay during week and things have been going well.Of course the aim being that we get back together if things go well.And things have been

Well last night we had a chat about our future and what next.H drops a bombshell that although he would like to move back in eventually he doesn't see a way foreward because if he moves back in he has to give up the flat he is in now and so if things don't work out he then has no home and the place he is in now is cheap rent and he'd be very very lucky to get somewhere like that again.Also if he moves back in and he loses his job(he's self employed) and then we split he would then be in the position of no job and no home.He said he can't think of anything to sort this out.

I can understand the reasons for the latter.Its because when we split several years back he had no job and no where to go but because of the circumstances(which were his doing at the time) he was the one who left and he had to move in with a sister.This sister has now moved abroad so if this were to happen again he really would have no where to go.

So yes I understand his situation and the difficulties with it but on mine and more importantly the childrens side of things,we can't live like this forever.Where I am basically living as a single mum,bringing up the children but he pops around to see us.And he has only himself to look after and do as he pleases in his home.One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

So to sum it up I'm the one looking after the children full time(fiancially and emotionally) and maintaining the home(fiancially and general maintainance like decorating etc).And he is living in a flat where he only has himself to look after and spend the evenings watching tv or sleeping.Paying me £5 child support.

Isn't this him having his cake and eating it.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 19/02/2011 17:26

He's the kids father - errr he'll still be their father if you divorce and lo and behold he have to be more involved with them when it's his contact time and do the hands on nitty gritty parenting!!!!

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 17:26

sweetheart, you can live without this man

is this right ?

he has your head fucked up so badly you can't see a future without him ?

a poxy flat is more important than making you and dc's feel safe and secure ?

you have to ask him for money for his own dc's welfare ?

you can do better than this

he is just one man

nobody should have the power to control and manipulate you this way

your thread is pretty unanimous that his priorities are at the very best, skewed

others have picked up on the more chilling aspects of his attitude towards your relationship

i wouldn't feel safe with a man like this

I would feel safer on my own, where at least if I fucked up it would be on my own head, and not at the mercy of someone who seems to want to cover his own back so effectively, at the expense of you and dc

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 19/02/2011 17:27

((Please go to a good solicitor and tell them EVERYTHING))

I am going to definately go and see one.I know when he finds he'll get nasty about things(verbally anyway).

He's a very manipulative man.

OP posts:
ImFab · 19/02/2011 17:28

So why do you still want to be with him?!

GettinganIcyGrip · 19/02/2011 17:30

Good well done you.

If he gets nasty DO NOT TALK TO HIM.

DO not let him in the house.

HE WILL get nasty as that is the sort of person he is.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

Keep posting and we will ALL support you.

YOU CAN DO THIS

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 17:30

take yourself out of the manipulation

call time on the "reconciliation" before it goes any further

watch his actions when he realises you are not rolling over and dancing to his tune

they will tell you all you need to know

you don't have to listen to any nastiness, you know

GettinganIcyGrip · 19/02/2011 17:31

And call Women's Aid. Tell them everything and just have a chat with them. They are very knowledgeable.

CarGirl · 19/02/2011 17:33

He will get nasty - so why on earth do you want to be with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't tell him about going to the solicitor etc tell him you're exhausted and upset and you could do with a weekend off and he'd be happy to come and look after the dc whilst you have one wouldn't he??????

You can do it, you will be so much happier without him.

BoffinMum · 19/02/2011 17:38

You need a clean break agreement, not least so you can find a new husband who's a lot more supportive and reasonable.

IMO.

Not that a woman can't stand on her own two feet and all that, but because the OP deserves a fresh start without all this anguish.

GettinganIcyGrip · 19/02/2011 17:39

And wombling, one of the reasons you are confused is that if you are sleeping with him, the bonding hormone oxytocin will be coursing round your veins, as this is released when you have sex.

This will make you feel as though you are 'with him', but his actions are contrary to what this hormone is telling you.

This will not help how you are feeling.

Please keep posting, we are all on your side.

xxxx

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 17:41

yes, I advise hat you sop sleeping with him

when he kicks off about that tell him to go find another place to lodge his cock

or he can lodge it in his beloved council flat, on the mantlepiece

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 17:42

add some T 's to that last post and it might make sense

NettleTea · 19/02/2011 17:51

so you are going along with him because he is (no more than a part time) dad and you are scared he will get angry and abusive if you say something he doesnt like.
Is this how you see the rest of you life - walking around on eggshells afraid to say something that upsets him.
You found the strength to chuck him out, remember that?
You are worried about him knowing you are getting legal advice (please dont tell him, it will give him a chance to asset strip) yet you think it was OK to immediately put a legal claim on your house (for which he contributed towards the mortgage for a period of time)

I thought you were going to see a solicitor yesterday?

PLEASE PLEASE DO.

waterrat · 19/02/2011 17:58

Yes as above you must not tell him you are seeing a solicitor he will start hiding his money.

FetchezLaVache · 19/02/2011 17:59

Wombling, the only reason you should even be contemplating making a go with your husband is because you love him. Not for a quiet life, not to prevent him getting nasty, not to protect your investment in the house, not so the kids can have their parents back together. It really isn't sounding that way, so I do hope you find a good solicitor and get it all sorted out. All the very best of luck to you.

FortunateHamster · 19/02/2011 18:41

If he is on 40k then he can afford to lose the flat and pay regular price for one if things 'don't work out'.

Have you asked him what he has done with all the money he has saved up over the years?

If you stay together at what stage will he consider that it 'has worked out' and stop the council flat?

If 'it has worked out' will he then share the money that he must've been saving (or recklessly spending) all this time?

Given what we know on here, which I understand can't be the full picture, but hopefully near enough, I would think it best to get away from this man as soon as possible. He is putting himself first above and beyond you and his children.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 18:47

wombling...have you ever asked him where all his disposable income (which is considerable since he pays no maintenance and a paltry rent) has gone ?

dittany · 19/02/2011 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 19/02/2011 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 19/02/2011 22:27

I agree 100% with what Dittany says. Wombling, there is loads of support on here. There will be people to help you every step of the way. See the solicitor, ring Women's Aid. Tell them the full truth. Please.

elizadoestoomuch · 19/02/2011 22:41

To pick up on just one point. No decent man would give you £5 a week child support and then make you ask for the rest.
You deserve so much more. So do your DC.

elizadoestoomuch · 19/02/2011 22:44

Posted too soon.
Phone Womens Aid. They are great. I have called them a number of times on behalf of friends and they are so helpful.
It might to remember: nothing will happen, you are just phoning them. You don't have to make any decisions straight away. By phoning them, all you are doing is getting advice.
I have found that thinking about it in babysteps is sometimes easier so that you don't feel overwhelmed. Just one phonecall. Just one step at a time.

BoffinMum · 20/02/2011 09:51

If he is earning so much and not paying the right amount of tax and NI, and claiming benefits, shop him to the authorities.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/02/2011 11:13

So in essence wombling, if he was renting privately and paid an astronomical rent, he would be back to you and live like a family for free, in your house.
But because he does not want to risk losing his dirty cheap council flat, he stays put.

And you even consider that this man wants to be a family?! He wants a cheaper rent than what he has now! And somebody to pay half his utilities for him. He will only want to live with you if it saves him money....

I really wish you could see the light.

tomatoplantproject · 21/02/2011 15:09

If he was a decent man who loved you and your DC he would move heaven on earth to be with you. He would not be hedging his bets.

If he was a decent man he would have made sure you had more than £5 a week to care for the children with.

If he was a decent man he would feel guilty about taking a council flat away from a family more needy.

If he was a decent man he would have divorced you when you split up previously and allowed you to move on.

He is not. He is not looking after you. He has only his own interests at heart. What a scumbag.