Is H having his cake and.....

[womblingfree1970]

A bit of a complicated story.H and I split several years ago.Broken trust on both sides.Both of us had caused issue in our marriage.So we seperated and were heading for divorce.

I stayed in the home with our young children and he moved out.Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew(sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.Since split I have been a single mum.So I've been the one bringing up the children(visits to dad),providing for the children financially,emotioanlly.Upkeep of home etc etc.The only thing he has provided is £5 a week child support and the odd contribution to school trips where he's paid half.

The £5 a week is a bit of an issue as he earns £40,000 a year but because of a totally legal loophole he only has to declare minimum wage and so only has to pay minimum child support.And yes its totally legal and there was nothing I could do about it.

Well a few years down the lines and we've decided to give things another go.We have been seeing each other for more than a year and a half.The arrangement has been that he comes over and sees me and kids.We go out for day trips with the occasional overnight stay during week and things have been going well.Of course the aim being that we get back together if things go well.And things have been

Well last night we had a chat about our future and what next.H drops a bombshell that although he would like to move back in eventually he doesn't see a way foreward because if he moves back in he has to give up the flat he is in now and so if things don't work out he then has no home and the place he is in now is cheap rent and he'd be very very lucky to get somewhere like that again.Also if he moves back in and he loses his job(he's self employed) and then we split he would then be in the position of no job and no home.He said he can't think of anything to sort this out.

I can understand the reasons for the latter.Its because when we split several years back he had no job and no where to go but because of the circumstances(which were his doing at the time) he was the one who left and he had to move in with a sister.This sister has now moved abroad so if this were to happen again he really would have no where to go.

So yes I understand his situation and the difficulties with it but on mine and more importantly the childrens side of things,we can't live like this forever.Where I am basically living as a single mum,bringing up the children but he pops around to see us.And he has only himself to look after and do as he pleases in his home.One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

So to sum it up I'm the one looking after the children full time(fiancially and emotionally) and maintaining the home(fiancially and general maintainance like decorating etc).And he is living in a flat where he only has himself to look after and spend the evenings watching tv or sleeping.Paying me £5 child support.

Isn't this him having his cake and eating it.

H has just had a go at me on the phone.

I told him how I feel and his response was its not fair that you've said this while I'm at work.So my response was then you shouldn't be texting me bout this then in the first place.

He says he has no intention of leaving when the kids grow up.But then I said but I'm the one bringing up the kids financially/emotionally and you're not.He said he does help emotionally as much as possible in the given situation.Meaning when he comes round he will sort bad behaviour out and help with some things like getting them ready for bed.Also that he has said I only have to ask if I want money.But thats not the point.

Yeh he offers money as in do you want me to give you the £25.When he sees me paying for something for kids but then on the other hand asks for half towards cost of holiday etc.

I told him but I pay for kids clothes,food etc.Paying for the odd trip etc does not cut it.You should be moving back in a paying for your kids.

He then got upset with me saying well thats how you see things.You don't understand I'd like to come back but what happens if it all goes wrong.I will have no place to go.I told him but you could rent again and you are living on the fear of what ifs.He said this will never be resolved because he is scared that it could all go wrong again and he would not have a home.

He said he's taking the risk by moving back and I have nothing to risk.Yes thats the situation not my doing just the way it is.

I told him I'm risking things by putting my life on hold waiting for us to be a family again where I could be trying to get on if I knew it was over.He said well do it then.Get on with your life.

And you allow him to as has been put already "Cocklodge"?

If you do not allow him to move back in, then he cannot reasonably make a claim on your house. Whoever advised you that he can was talking out of their arse.

EmmaBGoode

Are you sure?

House was brought by me before we met but few years into mortgage I met him and moved him in and we then paid mortgage from joint account and were married for 15 years.I haven't bought it since splitting from him

Whilst I can sort of understand his fear, he needs to man up and grow a fucking pair of bollocks.

You are not some GF he's met, you are his wife and you have two kids together.

He either takes the risk like a man and throws himself into this 100% or he should let you get on with your life.

Right now he has you at his beck & call. Why change? FFS, I'd love to have a woman who will raise my kids & shag me for £20 a month.

If you let him wipe his feet on you, where's his incentive to change? Right now there's no upside for him as you are handing him everything on a plate.

"He then got upset with me saying well thats how you see things.You don't understand I'd like to come back but what happens if it all goes wrong."
He's having a go at you for speaking the truth. You answered yourself in the thread title. Why are you still entertaining this 'man'?

I bet if you called his bluff and said 'Ok then, I don't deserve this limbo, the kids don't deserve this limbo, so let's forget it. I'll see a solicitor about a divorce ASAP" you can bet your bottom dollar he'd be sending flowers, apologising and the lot. You'd forgive him, things would end up like this again...the the circle turns.

He is clearly not going to move in, he's practically stated this. Yet you keep hanging on.

And as for having a council flat when earning 40k, it's a disgrace. He could afford to rent privately on that income. And only £40 per week rent? That's extremely low rent, even for council property. No doubt he's told them he's only earning minimum wage and is claiming housing benefit.

His whole attitude stinks. But what stinks even more is that you're putting up with it. Divorce him and move on. Otherwise you'll still be in this situation in another 18 months, coming on here asking for advice. Good advice has been given to you on this thread. Take it.

"I haven't bought it since splitting from him"
Of course you haven't bought it - it's already yours! It's your house, in your name. Whatever you do, don't put his name on the mortgage.

another vote for new legal advice.
No court would make you pay him 40% of the value of the house, if he has paid you nothing for years.

and yes fine the CSA can't get the money out of him ,but where is his sense of responsibility towards his children?
Any father who avoids paying for his children should have a big black mark against his name.
that's awful

and I think his recent attitude stinks.
It just screams ME, ME, ME

I'd divorce him and move on, sorry!

but where is his sense of responsibility towards his children?
Any father who avoids paying for his children should have a big black mark against his name.
Exactly. Whilst the CSA have their hands tied, you don't.

He's earning £40k a year, paying you £20 maintenance per month. Most would find that insulting if you weren't together, let alone the fact you are. He's literally screwing you twice.

what niceguy said again!

Its so nice to have a guys POV on this. Listen to him.

Ihave asked DH and he said if we split he would give all his money to our son as thats his responsability as a father. "You devioce your wife not your children".

I just could not be with a man that did not make his first prioraty his children.

That's the thing... whatever I may say about XH (and I often do) he would give his last penny and his last drop of blood for his DCs. This bloke, by the sound of it, just wants in with you to safeguard his investment (which suggests he may know something you don't).

I suspect if you asked a solicitor the same flat question now you'd probably a similar answer to what you got before, but if you went into your precise situation in more detail you might come out with a somewhat different result. I also believe strongly that getting together with a horrible money-grubbing self-centred man for the sake of what you might have to pay out for the house in ten years' time is a bad idea. He is already doing you over financially on an ongoing basis. That isn't the attitude of a man who is committed to playing a full part in his family for years to come.

probably get* (d'oh)

Sounds like a vile individual. He just wants to fuck you physically and fuck his kids financially.
How are you even considering a future with this selfish tight arse?

i would echo everything above my ex did the same legal loophole and I had an assessment for £5 a week which he has never paid anyway too stressful to fight so I just got on with life, there is NO WAY i would even contemplate getting back with him as he proved he was capable of screwing the children financially you dont know someone properly until you divorce/separate from them my advice is DON'T you are worth more than this, you've done it alone this long you dont need him

Really you should consider yourself holding all the cards but you are letting him think he does. You own a house outright, you have the children with you and you can support yourself without him. What does he add to your life? You can parent together without being in a relationship. You could divorce him freeing yourself to love your life as you want and maybe even meet a real man who wants to throw himself into your family without wondering what is in it for him.

The £5 a week setup never really bothered me because he said the reason he did this initially was because I was income support and said that even if he paid CSA more I wouldn't see it.Of course at the time this was right and we both thought that was the case now.So thats why this hasn't changed.

He said he would pay CSA £5 a week and that if I needed more then he would help I only had to ask.And that he would pay so things like schooltrips etc.But whats happened is he only ever offers half.

My issue is more that he wants to keep this setup of him living in his flat supporting himself and me being on benefits while he pops over now and again playing happy families.So I bring up kids emotionally and financially claiming benefits and he lives on his own saving when he should move in and pay for his family.

If we were to divorce I would hope to try to get some qualifications so that eventually I can have a career in the future when kids are a bit older.Whereas if we got back together I would remain a SAHM.As we could afford for me to do that and feel that would be better for the children at least til there are older and then Id probably get a part time job just to get me out of the house.

And his reason for not moving in is because of this fear we may split again.so it leaves me in limbo

But why couldn't he just pay you more directly, rather than through the CSA? As he is on £40k, why wouldn't he WANT to pay £100, £150 a week or whatever in cash to you to pay for food, bills, clothes for his own children. Am baffled.

Well yes he could and he doesn't.He has just said if you need anything like money for a trip or something then just ask.Not the same as him paying a sum every week.

But anyway don't want to get bogged down with this.The real issue is the fact that he has used this excuse so he can't move back and w3ants it to stay as it is.So me and the kids are left in limbo.

He said that when kids grow up then he could see us moving back as then if we split the house would have to be sold outright and he'd get his share to find somewhere new. whereas now if things didn't work he'd have to move out a find another place to live.

I don't feel its right for the kids to have a family like this and wondering will daddy ever move back .Something they have asked.

Moneywise I think he thinks the odd offer of money and the odd paying for a takeaway or meal counts.

Your being a mug sorry but you know its true.

What would you like to see happening?

If he earns 40k a year then he can afford to pay £400 a month on rent can't he so really its an excues and no a logical reason.

What if he found a new girlfriend would be not move in with her?

If he was to move back in is he still going to pay you a fiver?

It is time you divorced him imho.

He has said if he met someone new that have to have grown kids so that that way he could move in with them with the knowledge that if they have bought a house together then they sell up and he isn't out on a limb.

If he moved back in he'd have to support us as I'd come off benefits.But the thing is he doesn't want to move back in using fear as excuse.

((If he earns 40k a year then he can afford to pay £400 a month on rent can't he so really its an excues and no a logical reason.))

Yes he could.He's saying he'd be mad to give up his £40 week flat though to see if things work out with us and then find he has to get a £400 month flat.

He said that others in his position would feel the same.I said they wouldn't but he didn't agree.

He just said he'd be mad to give up his flat on the hope that things will be ok and then find himself having to rent an expensive place