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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This seems so very small......

129 replies

Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 16:30

compared to what a lot are going though on here but it really bugs me although I am not able to find a way to express what I mean. Will try to keep this short.

My neighbour was burgled a few days ago. I was telling DP about it and what they did to her home, when he interrupted me to say in a very brisk tone "well to be honest, I am not really interested in all that, I am only interested in the safety of OUR kids" with a very serious look on his face.

Now it doesn't sound like much but he ALWAYS does this. Whenever he is talking about something that interests him work, family gossip etc I listen and respond appropriately and with interest, even when I am not that interested. Whenever I am talking he will either show no interest at all or cut me off with some kind of comment that leaves me in no doubt that I am rather shallow and actually a bit dim and not even worth responding to. Somehow I always end up with a bit of churning in my stomach and feeling like a bit of a fool. Do any of you understand what I mean? I am reading that back and still not managing to really say what I mean but I will post it anyway.

OP posts:
SecondMrsS · 16/02/2011 16:33

Bless you. He is suffering from an incurable condition called 'conceitedbastard syndrom' There is no known cause for this but research suggests that this occurs in 4 out of every 5 men.

vicbar · 16/02/2011 16:35

Poor you, my DH does this to a point but I must admit I talk a lot on inane shite so fair play. Your DH sounds a bit bullying to me. Maybe try doing it to him a few times see if he likes it.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/02/2011 16:36

I know exactly what you mean.
I suggest this as an experiment:
go against your natural conversational and empathetic instintcs:

say something like 'Hey dp, xx was burgled today. Stupid cow. She had it coming. I laughed my arse off with my friends today about it. I hope they took her for all she had'

then turn to the cooker/book/newspaper/telly and continue chuckling demonically to yourself.

See what his reaction is.

If he engages you with 'that's a bit unfair' stare at him with non comprehension then announbce your mobile/teapot/hairnet has broken and you would like a takeaway for tea.

madonnawhore · 16/02/2011 16:37

That doesn't sound small, that sounds horrible; and he sounds like a bully. I've lived with someone like this and I know wxactly the churning feeling in your stomach and feeling of being dim-witted that you're describing.

In my case the man I was living with was an emotional abuser and I left him. Is your H kind to you in other ways? Do you feel like you're constantly treading on eggshells around him?

madonnawhore · 16/02/2011 16:37

*exactly

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/02/2011 16:37

And next time he has a problem, tell him you would like a whistling kettle then poo on the floor

this usually flushes these aresholes out

Threelittleducks · 16/02/2011 16:40

My DH used to do this to me allll the time. To the point where I would just start feeling like I had nothing of interest to say to anyone.

We had a chat about it and I told him how it makes me feel. I was pretty upset about it actually!

He notices now and is very careful - if he interrupts me when I'm talking he stops and even apologises.

Maybe he doesn't even know he's doing it? My DH wasn't being bad, just too quick with his own thoughts.
But then I notice that my FIL does it too, so maybe it's just a learned thing?

I dunno, all I know is it was pretty rude and made me feel like shit!

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 16:53

Well thats good, you all seem to understand and managed to make me laugh as well!

He is a bit of an interrupter as well, eg if his family is here and one of us is talking if something occurs to him he will just talk straight over them, usually to his dad and it is usually over me or or his Mum.

I have tried to talk to him about it and I explained how it made me feel and that I thought he was doing it purposely to make me feel a bit silly and put me down, I used an example where I had seen his Dad do the same to his Mum and he laughed in a way that I could tell he knew what I meant and had caught him out. Do you get what I mean?

OP posts:
Geistesabwesenheit · 16/02/2011 16:55

Esme, the part where you wrote about having a churning stomach and feeling like a fool resonated, as my DH does the same. I wish I could offer some constructive advice, but will watch this thread with interest.

Has he always been like this?

CameronCook · 16/02/2011 16:55

Grin at UnlikelyAmazonian

Geistesabwesenheit · 16/02/2011 16:56

What did he say when you said how it had made you feel? What I mean is, did he show any concern for your feelings?

CameronCook · 16/02/2011 16:56

Actually OP maybe tell him how you feel and what you would like him to do and if that fails then do it to him and ask him how it makes him feel?

But then I am very petty

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 16/02/2011 16:57

Try aversion tactics. As soon as he interrupts, give him a chinese burn. He seems to think that men are people who have opinions, and women are a bit fick and need not be listened to. Teach him that being an arsehole gets him a sore wrist

BelleBelicious · 16/02/2011 17:01

Why does it seem 'small' that your DH shows you no respect and makes you feel stupid?

I would say that's incredibly important.

You need to tell him that you hate it and point it out everytime he does it. See what his answer is.

AgeingGrace · 16/02/2011 17:01

I'd LOVE you to follow all of UA's advice and report back ... Grin

... but I think you'd benefit from giving him the chance to not be a pompous bully. When he does it, reply with "It's interesting to me, DH, and I'd welcome conversation!" Much as I hate the concept of 'training' one's husband, it has to be tackled sometimes.

If you have tried this repeatedly, then you're married to a self-important twat who's more interested in his dictatorial rights than his wife. I recommend hiring a handsome young man to "help in the garden" and gossip with.

tiredmumof3 · 16/02/2011 17:01

I have one like this too :(
Actually my DH will sometimes make a circling kind of hurry up motion with his hand if he thinks I need to get on with telling him whatever I'm saying quicker. I now find I don't tell him stuff like this because he couldn't give a monkeys. But he also now gets short shrift with his work stories tbh. So can't recommend anything here except to try and nip it in the bud. Maybe he doesn't realise he's being an inconsiderate git?

Threelittleducks · 16/02/2011 17:07

I would just start talking louder.

Talk back over him until he backs down.

Or just stop mid-sentence and say "stop being a dick!"

He may soon get the message.

It really really annoyed me when dh did it.

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 17:09

"then you're married to a self-important twat who's more interested in his dictatorial rights than his wife" sadly I think this is true. Yes he has always been like this, only this morning when I mentioned something that he had done to upset me at the beginning of the relationship that he was still doing now he said "well I haven't changed then have I, it is not like I put on a false front to you, I didn't hide anything" and sadly that is true also and it seems to be a bit of a get out of jail free card.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 16/02/2011 17:10

Sad tiredmum xh was a serial hand circling , interrupter . Dont miss all that at all.

I stopped listening to him too with his dull work stories.

We are now divorced Grin

stubbornhubby · 16/02/2011 17:12

It's not only a male thing...if I am telling Mrs Stubborn something boring she leaves the room. I don't think she is quite aware she is doing it, her mind will drift off, and she will remember that it's tuesday and the bin men come tomorrow and the kitchen bin could probabaly do with emptying and.... next thinhg... she's gone.

'where are you going', say I, 'I was in the middle of telling you about'
(from the kitchen, now) 'go on dear I'm listening'

gettingeasier · 16/02/2011 17:16

You know I feel for you ladies and it so is complete self importance and arrogance "What I have to say is more important /interesting so I dont need to wait until you have finished speaking"

Even now when we have stuff to discuss on the phone I let him start and have uninterrupted airspace. When my turn finally comes I can 100% guarantee I will get no more than 10 words out before he starts talking straoght over me and yes like someone above sometimes I just carry on slightly louder and he will get the message other times I stop speaking and get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars he left.Seriously. You dont realise how this knid of thing chips away at your esteem

gettingeasier · 16/02/2011 17:17

Ok gents too stubborn Smile

WriterofDreams · 16/02/2011 17:17

That sounds incredibly annoying OP. My DH does something similar - sometimes, especially when he's on the computer, I'll say something, just a comment about DS or something, and he won't respond. In my view it's polite to just say "Oh really" or to offer a similar story in response and that fact that DH is silent makes me feel like he isn't interested and makes me feel like shit. I explained this to him and it turned out he didn't realise. He still does it from time to time but a lot less. Now I get a grunt or a hmmm but at least it's something. The way your DH interrupts would drive me nuts. Have you told him how it makes you feel? What was his response?

WriterofDreams · 16/02/2011 17:20

I just read what he said about not changing, what a shitty response :( So basically his view is that you knew what he was like and so now you have to put up with it? Does he not understand the idea of give and take and compromise? Not a good sign.

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 17:24

He just laughs, seriously whenever I say anything to him, or gets irritated and justifies him self with a "well excuse me for caring about MY kids, Esme, sorry but no I am NOT interested in other people and their issues, I am only interested in MY kids and how they are affected" this has the double whammy of letting me know that obviously by talking about this without relating it to the dc I am a selfish twat who doesn't care about my kids.

It was my ds's birthday a few weeks ago. In between the getting presents, cakes, arrangments I somehow forgot to clean the car. The whole day was spent moaning about the "embarassingly dirty car" and when we got into it in the morning he said to ds "lets go and get the car cleaned for you ds, today on YOUR special day" the implication being that I didn't care about it being ds's birthday because I had not got the car washed. He does THAT fairly often to, talks to the kids about things he is pissed off with me about but aiming it at them if you see what I mean? I honestly didn't think any of you would understand what I meant about this kind of thing.

OP posts: