This seems so very small......

[Esmehansard]

compared to what a lot are going though on here but it really bugs me although I am not able to find a way to express what I mean. Will try to keep this short.

My neighbour was burgled a few days ago. I was telling DP about it and what they did to her home, when he interrupted me to say in a very brisk tone "well to be honest, I am not really interested in all that, I am only interested in the safety of OUR kids" with a very serious look on his face.

Now it doesn't sound like much but he ALWAYS does this. Whenever he is talking about something that interests him work, family gossip etc I listen and respond appropriately and with interest, even when I am not that interested. Whenever I am talking he will either show no interest at all or cut me off with some kind of comment that leaves me in no doubt that I am rather shallow and actually a bit dim and not even worth responding to. Somehow I always end up with a bit of churning in my stomach and feeling like a bit of a fool. Do any of you understand what I mean? I am reading that back and still not managing to really say what I mean but I will post it anyway.

"I've been thinking, DH, you're right [pause for sudden full-beam attention]. I've been feeling very anxious lately. I'm not myself. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes! [try not to giggle] Perhaps I should follow your advice and find a counsellor. What do you think?"

my dh wouldnt do this but does often ignore me when reading or watching tv,i find a mahoosive "HELLO" works well. I also chunder on about shagging his brother/best mate,he still doesnt listen but does make me laugh.
OP just dont bother and dont listen to his tedious bollocky stories when he wants to speak.

Oh that would piss me off. My DH also seems to only want to 'chat' about stuff that interests him and this really pisses me off. He will also often cut me short and just out right say he is not interested in whatever it is, so I have started to do it to but I also say ' I am not interested now my love' followed by 'Jesus you are such a bore...I imagine being married to an accountant would have been more interesting'.

I'm not trying to be funny, seeminglyso and others, but can I ask why? I know there are old jokes about it and all, but why do you feel it's all right to share the rest of your life with someone who doesn't even care whether you're trying to communicate with them?
I honestly can't imagine how that can be called a relationship

Incidentally, as much as I hate the phrase "5 love languages", it's a fair point. I still don't know how you'd get someone who can't be arsed to give you "Quality Time" to change their pov though!

I don't think Love Languages is the way to go here. It's not a case of two well meaning people just missing one another's attempts to do right.

This is a case of a man who doesn't think women are people. He interrupts you and his mum to talk over the top to his father. It's very telling that this is also how their relationship operates; he'll have learned at his father's knee.

He puts you down, tells you you're not good enough, sends the message that you're not interesting and your concerns are not valid, suggests that you have issues and need to be 'fixed' and generally belittles you.

I take it that the sole responsibity for the children and the housework falls to you, if not cleaning the car is a cause for criticism - and that he feels justified in 'checking your work' and attacking you if you have not performed it well enough. He'll use the children to get to you.

This is not a nice man. He wants a subservient domestic appliance who puts out when he's had a few beers, not an equal partner with rights and desires to be respected.

OP, do you have your own income? How old are the children? Do you feel that you are dependent on this man?

It's not small, it's disrespectful and bully behaviour. My ex used to do this all the time, I'd be talking and he'd literally just cut me off and start talking about something entirely different or he'd say something similar to your DP "I'm not interested in all that to be honest" etc. It was one of the reasons I got rid. Communication is important in a relationship and this kind of thing shows an inability to do so.

My partner often doesnt listen when I talk rubbish but will always listen to the important stuff.
This has been the case in all my relationships but i havent been bothered about the other person before to try to change it.

Because my DP makes me so happy in so many ways I worked a way around it and now if I have something important to say and he's fiddling with his phone or watching TV I start to speak then stop and say 'I will tell you this later because you're not concentrating and I need your undivided attention'

usually he realises what he's doing is rude and gives me his attention. If he doesnt then i just assume what he's doing is important and I pick another time.

I talk so much that I can't blame him for not listening to everything

My last boyfriend (father o child0 just used to cut me off mid flow and start talking about something completely different. He was an arse.

There's a difference between being distracted by TV or phone (which i think a lot of men do) and deliberately disrespecting your partner by changing the subject when they speak.

There's a difference between being distracted ... and deliberately disrespecting your partner by changing the subject when they speak.
Indeed there is.

Also, this OP's husband bluntly tells her he's not interested, puts her down, uses her DCs against her and kicks off when he perceives her to be providing inadqeuate services. It's not only a communication problem: the man's a selfish bully.

if he's not a N then he certainly has very strong tendencies to NPD - calling your children 'my' children, ignoring your thoughts and putting you down to make himself look better,

unfortunately for you he is most unlikely to change without realising he has a problem since the 'problem' is actually serving him quite well in his own universe.

it sounds like you really need to get out of the relationship.

of course that is very easy for a stranger to say and so much harder to achieve in reality but i fear you won't be able to be happy unless you manage it. and your children are likely to suffer too.

my N ex seemed popular too but actually quite a few people admitted they didn't really like her after we split up.

it is also worth looking at why you are attracted to a N. is it just a fluke or did it serve you in some way too? my relationship with a N brought out some elements of borderline personality disorder in me and that is quite a common pattern i believe.

He is making the point that you are boring him.
Sorry but he sounds like a prick.

My ex always seemed to be at the centre of all his friendship groups too but after we split up I was told privately by a few of them that they thought he was a knob.

He just assumes everyone likes him because he's incapable of empathy.

MY exDH of 4 weeks used to do that.

I would begin to tell a story, my day at work for example and he would keep interrupting, with guesses of how the story would end!!

In the end I would scream ' can you just let me finish fucking speaking! No, it doesnt go like that and if you just fucking listene, I may be able to explain!'

needless to say, we are no longer together. haha.

But it used to really upset me, when it was a sensitive story, I wanted him to understand.

and his guesses of how my story would end, would be a means to an end, to just get me to shut up- as he wasnt interested!

I havnt thought about that until now. Hmph

What made you marry such a man?
He would have had me running for the hills.
And using the children against you is possibly the worse thing a husband could do

Ive just read the full post Esme, and it does seem like he is quite insensitive, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

My pointed out the same with her DP and I found it fascinating, that her DP, did the same to his mother and his father, did the same to his wife and my friend.

It used to make her really sad.
What would really kill me, is then having the children do it.

Has it always been this way or is this developing in time?
It sounds like you have tried to talk about it with him already.
Its easy for us to read about what an utter cunt he is- and say it should be a deal breaker, but it doesnt work like that in reality.
You said, your always happier, when your single- is your mind imagining that again?

Esme

So why are you still with such an unpleasant individual?. He uses the children as a further stick to beat you with.

Where is your tipping point, why are you still there with him?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. If he does have narcissistic personality disorder (and many such people never are diagnosed because they actually think there is nothing wrong with them) you are truly on a hiding to nothing with such an inherently damaged individual.

Goodness alone knows what your children are learning from the two of you. Actually that can be summarised in two words - damaging lessons.

Quite a lot of people have narcissistic characteristics but not many have full-blown personality disorders (I hope and believe). About the only hopeful thing I'd say for your H is that he told you about the negative comment from his colleague. Maybe he can take criticism. Maybe he can even learn some manners, this late in life. I think there are three main questions to ask here:

(a) Is he genuinely NPD or is it just bad habits he's learned and could (theoretically) learn to change?

(b) Would you want to be with him if he did make at least an effort to improve?

(c) If he is capable of improving, what would make him want to?

I know, if only it were that simple...

He just laughs, seriously whenever I say anything to him, or gets irritated and justifies him self with a "well excuse me for caring about MY kids, Esme, sorry but no I am NOT interested in other people and their issues, I am only interested in MY kids and how they are affected" this has the double whammy of letting me know that obviously by talking about this without relating it to the dc I am a selfish twat who doesn't care about my kids.

I think if you know you would be happier single, that's pretty serious, tbh. I would not be happier single. We have good and less good things in our relationship but I enjoy DH's company and I think that's pretty fundamental

acanthus that is a really useful motto to live by, with husbands or family or friends. It was why I finally left my DH after 28 years with him never quite pinning down why he made me feel not good enough, inadequate and boring. Ultimately it doesn't matter whether you can explain how or why he does it.

If being with him is making you feel bad OP then you need to do something about it.

Just me it seems, that is another thing he says. "Everyone else likes me so its obviously YOU".

Yes I understand this Esme. I get it too.

I do worry that I must be the most dull person in the world sometimes. :(

is your H boastful?

does he lie about/ exaggerate his achievements?

was he quite overly dramatic about how amazingly perfect and ideal you were and how great your love was early on in the relationship?

do you get the sense that it is extremely important how he appears to other people? or how he feels he appears to other people?

do his conversations generally centre around himself, or if not are they really about making him look good?

does he struggle with spending time alone?

these would all be signs of being a N. that said, even if he isn't, he is certainly demonstrating some nobbish tendencies and not making you feel good.

making you look low infront of your kids / like a bad mother is particularly low imho.

i really feel for your situation. it must be awful.

All of the above SNM . His sister thinks he has it too.

Wow I am actually amazed by how many people relate to this.

I think I have had my tipping point really but he is a hard man to get rid of.

at least you have the sense to get rid of yours. i clung to mine in a horrible desperate fashion trying to make it work. it's only recently i've begun to understand the dynamic - we're talking a good few years after the split. discovering the existence of NPD was like a light coming on. i was so elated to make sense of it. more disconcerting was the discovery of the traits of narcissist's codependents and that i had the hallmarks. it's stuff i still have work to do on to be honest. but then we're all work in progress i guess.