This seems so very small......

[Esmehansard]

compared to what a lot are going though on here but it really bugs me although I am not able to find a way to express what I mean. Will try to keep this short.

My neighbour was burgled a few days ago. I was telling DP about it and what they did to her home, when he interrupted me to say in a very brisk tone "well to be honest, I am not really interested in all that, I am only interested in the safety of OUR kids" with a very serious look on his face.

Now it doesn't sound like much but he ALWAYS does this. Whenever he is talking about something that interests him work, family gossip etc I listen and respond appropriately and with interest, even when I am not that interested. Whenever I am talking he will either show no interest at all or cut me off with some kind of comment that leaves me in no doubt that I am rather shallow and actually a bit dim and not even worth responding to. Somehow I always end up with a bit of churning in my stomach and feeling like a bit of a fool. Do any of you understand what I mean? I am reading that back and still not managing to really say what I mean but I will post it anyway.

thanks AgeingGrace, will check it out.

without wanting to be dismissive of the self help books though i do think they often spin a couple of insightful (if important) points out to fill an entire book and justify the pricetag. it would be quite nice just to get the crammer version sometimes!

Gilbert invites you to skip straight to the exercises (second half) but I'm one of those people who won't engage unless I understand the theory behind it.

• which is evolutionary brain science. I love that stuff! [geek emoticon]

Esme, you said "Oh I can get him out alright, I have no concerns about that, it is the keeping him out I am trying to deal with", and you also said you worried that as he twists things he will be able to sway you and make you feel guilty.

I think that if you can get him out to start with, then the only way to keep him out is to engage with him as little as possible from that point onwards. Give him as little information as you can, remember that any knowledge he has about you or your new lifestyle, he will use to his advantage and to beat you with.

That will probably mean that access arrangements with your children will need some careful planning, although he may just 'wash his hands' of all of you once he realises he can't worm his way back in. That sounds distressing, but would probably not be such a bad thing - in time, if not already, he will start to do the same to the children as he has been doing to you.