This seems so very small......

[Esmehansard]

compared to what a lot are going though on here but it really bugs me although I am not able to find a way to express what I mean. Will try to keep this short.

My neighbour was burgled a few days ago. I was telling DP about it and what they did to her home, when he interrupted me to say in a very brisk tone "well to be honest, I am not really interested in all that, I am only interested in the safety of OUR kids" with a very serious look on his face.

Now it doesn't sound like much but he ALWAYS does this. Whenever he is talking about something that interests him work, family gossip etc I listen and respond appropriately and with interest, even when I am not that interested. Whenever I am talking he will either show no interest at all or cut me off with some kind of comment that leaves me in no doubt that I am rather shallow and actually a bit dim and not even worth responding to. Somehow I always end up with a bit of churning in my stomach and feeling like a bit of a fool. Do any of you understand what I mean? I am reading that back and still not managing to really say what I mean but I will post it anyway.

Really, somebody who knows him well outside the home thinks he has NPD? That's a bucket of cold water :(

If you're both correct, you know he can't change don't you? I'm intrigued to know how your thinking goes on this - of course you can't expose your DCs to relentless criticism as they grow up, but what to do?

So what are you going to do about it then?

Esme - where do you want to go with this? In your thread title, you said "this seems so very small" but really it's huge. It will affect every part of your life, and probably in time, your children's lives (I grew up with that type of constant drip drip criticism, and can tell you that it is very, very damaging to a child).

You also said "no happy, gentle day to day living, just keeping them in line". Do you want to live like this? For ever? Do you want your children to grow up with this in their day to day lives?

I appears that he does indeed treat other people in the same way, and they recognise that, which tells you that this is not something that he can turn off and on, it goes much deeper than that. I doubt he knows how to be any other way, and would he want to be anything different if he did or could recognise his faults?

It's amazing how many people think really major issues in their marriage are just small things isn't it?

This isn't small Esme. It sounds as though you are in a very unhappy marriage. That's not small.

I don't know. I didn't know how to explain it so I thought it wasn't a big thing even I can't even say in words how it bothers me. A much bigger picture is emerging though isn't it? The thing is I knew it all along but didnt have the confidence to let myself know it iyswim.

I thought most people were like this in their relationships to a certain extent. My parents aren't happy, my sister and her dh seem to be happy but she is definitely in charge. I do know that I would be happier single, I always am when I have been single in the past. He always manages to make me question myself and he is very clever at moving the arguement in the direction HE wants it to go. If I ever bring anything up that bothers me he always twists round to focus on me so I always end up thinking that maybe it IS me, believe me I know how pathetic that sounds.

It doesn't sound pathetic.

It does sound like it's not going to change and so you need to think about whether you intend to live like this for the rest of your life or not.

How old are you? How many years to waste?

Someone who uses your children to put you down, make you doubt yourself and make you feel inadequate does not deserve you in their life.

You need to step back and really see the situation you are in.

Oh Esme you sound so sad. It's really not normal for a good relationship to be like this, although maybe lots of people settle for just ok relationships.

I am so sorry, esme, this must be very painful for you

This is a sad thread. In your own homes, and in front of your own children, you are belittled and treated as though you are of no importance. This will chip away at your self esteem. You are all worth so much more than this.

esme by saying this is a small problem you've started to belittle yourself. This is not a small problem, this is not normal.

It can be very confusing to be with someone who behaves like this - it really plays with your mind and your interpretation of what is real or imagined. Counselling (on your own) may be really helpful and give you clarity.

I think if you know you would be happier single, that's pretty serious, tbh. I would not be happier single. We have good and less good things in our relationship but I enjoy DH's company and I think that's pretty fundamental.

You definitely are worth loving care and concern, Esme. Please hold on to your right to happiness, and your DCs. Feeling that you'd be happier single is very telling and important!

I do feel it'd be helpful for you to do some confidence-building. GertieWooster's counselling suggestion is worthwhile, too. Would I be right in guessing your H thinks you're faulty, so would agree to your getting counselling to "fix yourself"?

Funnily enough he did say that I needed some counselling to work on my issues. I asked him to come with me, the answer was catergorically NO! Doesn't "want to wash his dirty linen in public".

OP - I've been married to a man exactly like this. And with the support and advice of posters on here (and good friends in RL) I was finally able to see what it was doing to me and how life needed be like this.

You deserve much better than a narcissistic bastard, and yes, being single is much better as a starting point than living with someone who sees you as basically flawed. Like you, my exH would never let me talk about anything that mattered to me - he was too tired, too bored, basically it wasn't about him so he didn't care. Someone on here described my marriage as deeply hurtful. It was for me, and it sounds similar for you.

What do your friends think about this man? Seeing the look of horror on friend's faces when I described things he did and said was a huge wake up call.

You can't go on like this. Counseling didn't work for us because, like Grace says, men like this see you as the problem. They're not going to be the one changing. You either put up or get out. As our marriage counsellor described it - two pretty shit options. But one at least has the possibility of happiness ahead.

Sorry, life didn't need to be like this.

Go for individual counselling to help you find the strength to leave this relationship

totally agree with wondering. That was my experience too. And I got out in the end, thanks to help from loads of people on here, and RL friends and family, and am now with someone who continually astonishes me by being caring, considerate, and normal.

Life is way too short for this, he sounds foul and I know all too well how it eventually damages your self-esteem. Would highly recommend some counselling on your own. I bet the counsellor quickly comes up with a name for his behaviour - mine did and it was like a light switching on.

The counselling would be just for you.

The counselling wouldn't work for men like this (so would be pointless going as a couple) because they know that any half-skilled counsellor would see past their little games from a mile away. They also tend to be very adept at twisting words and adding more things to your list of 'faults'. I would also suggest the Lundy Bancroft book.

*passed not past (i'm a twit)

exDp was a bit this way inclined- I had nothing interesting to say, I was regularly dismissed. I never did let it convince me, I always knew it for what it was and I warned him for a long time that i would not put up with it forever. He did try to be fair, he was seeing a psychiatrist for a while (for other problems) for a while but he is what he is, and we split eventually.

OP I could have written every one of your posts word for word a year ago. Especially the 'debating' thing, OMG.

You would be so much happier out of this toxic environment. I hope you find the happiness you deserve eventually, away from this twat.

Wow! He is piece of work isn't he? I am not surprised your head is everywhere.

How do you feel right now - having had your reality verified by a bunch of strangers (because although it was buried you knew there was something very wrong otherwise you wouldn't have posted)? I mean what are your immediate thoughts about what to do about the situation?

It is very early days for you - I thought i'd never be free, in mind as much as body, from my ex. But honestly the only times I think about him now is when someone on MN is experiencing similar problems.

I'm at a point where I'm almost grateful for what I've been through. I realise that might make me sound as mad as a box of frogs but I've learnt so much about myself and other relationships have been strengthened. So many wonderful, caring and selfless people have come into my life because of him. He is just the one malign creature, and my gorgeous son means I will never have any regrets. I tried so hard to help my ex but it is an impossible task - he can't be cured. Since we split I've discovered that he was the same in previous relationships and, sadly, will undoubtedly be the same in future ones.

For what it's worth you sound much stronger, less naive and more clued up than I was. Like Acanthus, I think it's very telling that you know you would be happier single but it is also very encouraging.

:) Yes, yes, I did mean counselling for yourself, not marriage counselling! Help you sort out your perspective, learn a few tactics to strengthen yourself, and generally rebuild your confidence. It's fortunate that many overbearing, manipulative twunts consider their partners 'faulty' and therefore encourage them to seek counselling