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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This seems so very small......

129 replies

Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 16:30

compared to what a lot are going though on here but it really bugs me although I am not able to find a way to express what I mean. Will try to keep this short.

My neighbour was burgled a few days ago. I was telling DP about it and what they did to her home, when he interrupted me to say in a very brisk tone "well to be honest, I am not really interested in all that, I am only interested in the safety of OUR kids" with a very serious look on his face.

Now it doesn't sound like much but he ALWAYS does this. Whenever he is talking about something that interests him work, family gossip etc I listen and respond appropriately and with interest, even when I am not that interested. Whenever I am talking he will either show no interest at all or cut me off with some kind of comment that leaves me in no doubt that I am rather shallow and actually a bit dim and not even worth responding to. Somehow I always end up with a bit of churning in my stomach and feeling like a bit of a fool. Do any of you understand what I mean? I am reading that back and still not managing to really say what I mean but I will post it anyway.

OP posts:
victoriascrumptious · 16/02/2011 17:27

My Dh used to do this. He's a bit aspie and that's where it comes from in his case. I talked to him and he doesn't do it anymore. He's even learnt to bring me juicy bits of gossip home, however it goes something like this:
Him:"I heard today that Fiona's husband is having it off with the receptionist" me "noooooo????-who's Fiona?"
Him: Yes and did you know that Fiona's husband has a keen interest in Russian history 1914-18 blah blah blah Russia, blah blah uprising blah blah
Me: yes anyway so what does Fiona look like
Him: short, anyway about Russia blah blah

It's progress

WriterofDreams · 16/02/2011 17:29

Honestly what you're saying is very clear Esme. My DS is only six weeks but DH did that talking to him thing for the first time a couple of weeks ago - he said "Oh isn't mummy very slow" when I was taking a while to get my stuff together. I immediately jumped down his throat and told him in no uncertain terms never to do it again as I think it is so rude and passive aggressive. There is something so mean and distasteful about using children to get a nasty point across like this.

Unfortunately Esme it sounds like your DH doesn't have much respect for you. Is there ever a time when you just sit and chat or is it always hard to talk to him?

Acanthus · 16/02/2011 17:31

Yes I'm sure your DS really gives a shit whether the car is clean or not. I think the only way to chance him is to pick him up on this stuff. A lot. Which will be very wearing.

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 17:32

The only time he will ever sit and chat to me without trying to be over bearing, get one over on me, take the piss out of me, try and get me to do something he wants is when he has had a drink, seriously the only time he seems to like my company is about two cans in. Just realised that.

OP posts:
Speedbump · 16/02/2011 17:35

My husband used to do things like that. He still does occasionally.

We heard about 'Love Languages' which are basically the way that you communicate love. We googled it and found an online test which we did snuggled up in bed (when we were in a good mood!). My husband learnt that my 'Love Language' was Time and Words. So I need him to tell me he loves me and pay me compliments and to also need him to spend quality time with me. I also learnt about his love languages and our relationship has completely changed.

We've been together for 4 years and even though we thought we knew each other reasonably well, we're both glad that we did the quiz because we now understand each other a little more.

I'm hoping that your DP just doesn't understand that he's hurting you and that you can work it out and feel valued by your DP.

Psammead · 16/02/2011 17:35

I would be tempted, next time he is telling you something, to interrupt him with 'oh darling, how dull' and then waft away. If he asks, tell him he had it coming.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 17:37

I understand completely what you mean, OP

your husband's behaviour is disrespectful, arrogant and manipulative in the way he involves the kids in his not-very-subtle putdowns

he sounds most unpleasant

I hope your children don't start to copy his attitude towards you, I can imagine he would get a great deal of satisfaction from that

I would also watch out for him turning his supercilious and cutting "wit" on them...that kind of treatment damages children who are very vulnerable to having their self-esteem squashed by someone who is supposed to do everything they can to bolster it

is he an arrogant twat with everyone else, or just people he considers to be beneath him ?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/02/2011 17:38

Confused speedbump

pass the smelling salts

PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 17:39

esme, your husband sounds exactly like my father (he is/was a narcissistic, arrogant twat too)

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 17:39

Just me it seems, that is another thing he says. "Everyone else likes me so its obviously YOU".

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 16/02/2011 17:40

'I sat my DP down and showered him in petticoat nettles from a far away fairy. I talked to him and he listened.

Head not leg cocked.

He suddenly by a miracle understood that together we could could communicate like faeries and be happy forever.

Thus it was.'

HTH op

tiredmumof3 · 16/02/2011 17:41

Oh mine does that thing with my DDs too. A few weekends ago he said to 8 year old DD "we can't go out this morning as I have to do the hoovering as mummy obviously had more important things to do this week" but said in a patronising, isn't mummy crap way. Way of life here tbh but again nip in bud if you can. I now have a 14 year old and 8 year old who speak to me the same way :(

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 17:42

PMSL UA.

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PeterAndreForPM · 16/02/2011 17:42

yuk

and no, everyone doesn't "like" him, many of them will think he is a nob, behind his back

my father thinks he is a "all hail, well met" type of bloke with his "buddies" down the pub

truth is, they drift away when they've known him for a little while....

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 17:43

tiredmumof3 Sad thats awful. Just been thinking actually him and his siblings all sort of look down on their Mum as well, his Dad is even worse than he is. I am not going to be his Mum Angry.

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AgeingGrace · 16/02/2011 17:44

Tells you he doesn't care about your feelings enough to make a conversational adjustment? Tells you to like it or lump it? USES THE KIDS against you, passive-aggressively, no less?!
Shock

What an arse.

I'm jumping to two conclusions here, OP:
1] You won't think this is enough cause for an ultimatum. I think it is, but:
2] Years of this will have undermined your confidence.

Seriously, this stupid power imbalance won't be addressed without one of you prompting a change. And it won't be him. Could you start by getting yourself on an assertiveness course? (I know - just give it a try.) Also do whatever else will boost your self-esteem: new exercise class, new book club, new bingo night, new haircut ... anything that works!

Once you've started getting your oomph back, you can offer him a choice between Relate and a divorce.

Go on, you can do it :)

tiredmumof3 · 16/02/2011 17:46

Like I said try and sort it now while your kids are still young (presuming they are?) It's not nice and it chips away at you. It's taken a bit of realisation on my part to see that I'm not the problem and stand up to him a bit! You don't deserve this and he may never be able to change but try and do something about it, you deserve to be listened to and respected :)

kalo12 · 16/02/2011 17:48

my fil does this, has done it to his wife for years. she has put up with it and as a consequence still acts like a little girl which is just awful now - think felicity kendal without any charisma.

say ' oh you are so unpleasant' in a disdainful tone and walk off. do not be belittled.

QuickLookBusy · 16/02/2011 17:52

My DH will do the "not interested" look sometimes, but then I do it to him too. Being together 21 years, we are bound to find each other boring sometimes.

However, the other things you have posted about him, make him sound a tosspot-not interested in neighbours who have been burgled, or you telling him you are upset, or having a go at you via the DC, all quite horrible. I thing you need a to have a serious chat.

ScaredOfCows · 16/02/2011 17:54

Esme what a horrible, horrible way to live. A constant drip, drip, drip of put-down, disinterest, lack of respect and passive aggressiveness will, and it sounds like it already has, erode your self-esteem and self worth to nothing.

Somehow, you have to get him to understand this (he sounds very emotionally immature, actually). If he only does this to you, then he either really has no respect or genuine feeling for you and is doing this very deliberately, or perhaps has some type of personality disorder? Does he have good relationships with other people, close friends? Or are his other relationships very superficial?

I think that you should look into some counselling and self-assertiveness training for yourself, and let him know why you are doing this ie it is because of the damage he is inflicting on you. He needs to understand that you don't feel this way because you are weak, but that your feelings are a direct and understandable result of his treament of you.

You need to find a way to knock this on the head, both for your sake, and for the sake of your children - he will almost certainly, in time, treat them in this way too.

catsmother · 16/02/2011 18:00

Agree with everyone else about his nasty dismissive arrogance, and on this particular occasion, he's also shown a lack of normal decent compassion for your poor neighbour who must be very shaken and upset. Not nice. Why the heck does he think he's better than everyone else ?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 16/02/2011 18:05

I would argue that he does not, in fact, care about the kids but rather he uses them as a stick to beat you with.

What you describe is not him loving and caring about his kids. He wouldn't make snide digs at you to them if he did. He is just using them, talking about how much he cares about them, as another way to put you down and trample your self esteem into the ground.

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 18:07

And anyway its not even true that everyone likes him, his work colleague told him "your missus is right" after I said I thought he possibly had NPD and he repeated it in disbelief to said work colleague.

Yes it has been a drip, drip for years actually. He says it is because I am unapproachable and he can't discuss issues that he has with me normally without me flying off the handle. Strangely I used to be able to until the helpful criticism became an onslaught. He seems to believe that life as a partnership mainly consists of telling the other one what your problems are with them and getting them to conform. No happy, gentle day to day living, just keeping them in line.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 16/02/2011 18:10

so how do you keep him in line then? In this 'partnership'?

I bet I know what the answer is.

Original poster
Esmehansard · 16/02/2011 18:13

Well I don't, quelle surprise, I tend to go on quite happily being responsible for mine and the kids happiness and then all of a sudden get a side swipe from him. He says he likes to debate but what he really likes is to harangue me until I agree with him about where I have gone wrong and then I should actually like being put right as well or I am behaving like a spoilt teenager.

Wow there is a lot of stuff coming out here.

OP posts: